Why do relationships change after a baby?

[BaggyBagsy]

NC for this as DH knows my username (I sometimes show him threads on MN).

I often see on here that having a baby can cause difficulties in a marriage / relationship, and that many relationships fail after a baby arrives. Now DH and I are no where near ending things, but I’m just trying to understand what’s going on.

We have a baby, who is 11 months old. I go back to work in a few weeks and for the past 11 months, I have done the vast majority of the childcare. DS is also a really poor sleeper, and wakes up on average 6 to 8 times a night (we have tried everything, including sleep training - the Ferber Method - but nothing has worked) so I have been functioning on broken sleep since he was born.

We’ve always been very happy. We fall out every now and then when we debate political matters (we both feel very strongly about things) but we always make up quickly. However, over the past few weeks, we’ve suddenly become short with each. There’s this tension in the air, and neither of us understand it (we have talked about it). It’s like we’ve suddenly stopped liking each other so we annoy each other.

One issue of mine is that I feel DH doesn’t do enough for DS. The extent of his care is one morning every weekend to give me a lie in, and on top of that no more than 1 or 2 nappies a week. I do absolutely everything else. We have talked about this and as I go back to work soon, this does need to change and he agrees.

So I do wonder if that has built up on my side and led to the current tension in the air.

But other than that, I don’t understand why we are where we are. Why the loving and kind side of our relationship has suddenly disappeared? Hence why I’m wondering what it is about having a baby that causes relationships to struggle.

Before anyone suggests it, there is 100% no chance of another woman. DH is also upset at the current tension between us and keeps asking me what’s wrong and what he can do to resolve it, but I don’t know what’s wrong.

As PPs have said, this is justifiable resentment from you, because your sexist DH is nowhere near pulling his weight as a parent.
In answer to your original question- relationships don’t change after a baby if they were good and equitable, and the husband is not a selfish shit.
My own DH took two weeks off work when DD arrived (in the days before paternity leave) and changed every single nappy. He said that, as I had to do all the feeds at the top end, he would deal with the other end! Once he was back at work, he still did the whole bath and bed routine every night, to relieve me from having been with DD all day. He was also an excellent cook.
DH was a lovely man, and I adored him both before and after our two DC. Sadly he died when they were both still babies, and I love him and miss him still. I haven’t remarried in 30 years - I don’t think I’d find any man to hold a candle to him.
OP, you need to expect better from your DH, and start laying down some boundaries right now. Decide what you will and won’t put up with, and warn DH that nothing kills a woman’s sex drive faster than anger at a useless husband!

I think a big part of your reaction is shock.

It's shocking to realise that the person who professes to love you will happily watch you struggle, run yourself into the ground and sacrifice your health and career.

I mean how do you process the person you love treating you like that and NOT feel differently about them?!

I really don’t like what’s happened to me. I absolutely love being mum to DS and love spending all our time together. But I’ve become really angry and short tempered with DH.

We talked more about him helping, and he wanted to be very hands on today so he can start helping more, and then this morning he tests positive for covid. I know it’s not his fault, but all off a sudden, I’m taking great offence at every small comment he makes, and start an argument with him. He doesn’t want to engage, but I won’t stop, until we start arguing. This isn’t me. This isn’t who I was. But I’ve lost sympathy and affection for him. And I’m so angry.

It must be built up resentment, combined with the prospect of returning to work.

Probably because you know that as well as doing everything for the baby now you are going to have to look after him too.

We talked more about him helping

It's not "helping" though - that suggests that it's all your responsibility but he's doing you a favour if he lifts a finger. Talking about it as "helping" communicates that you don't think it's really his responsibility to parent his child and look after his home.

And isn't that part of the problem - he sees it as solely your job when actually it is his job too? Change how you describe it - stop talking about it as "helping" because every time you do you reinforce his belief that it's optional for him.

Also, being angry at being taken for granted or at your husband failing to parent his own child doesn't mean you don't love your son, you know. No rational person would think that.

Has someone suggested to you that expecting your husband to meet his responsibilities means you don't love your son? And if they have, why haven't they applied the same logic to his father's behaviour?

I'd take it to mean the opposite - surely part of your resentment is on behalf of your son that his father has opted out of being his parent and is happy to leave his son's mother to drown?

You need to lay it on the line that he has to start doing his share which is 50% of the mental load, parenting, housework, nursery runs the lot.

It will mean him stopping work on time, him taking days off to cover any sick days etc etc.

Basically he sees it all as your job.

Because you realised you married a dickhead
And now have 2 children not one.

You didn't mention if he does he fair share of the housework/laundry/cooking but he can do more of that while he has covid.

You are chronically sleep-deprived, will need to go back to work, your baby’s father has ‘stepped back’ because he perceives you as in charge (perhaps with some justification on his part if you’ve previously dismissed his ideas) and you’re resenting being the default parent AND ‘the fixer’ (“tell me what’s wrong and I’ll change”).

It’s not abnormal.
It is exhausting.

There’s not really any way round setting clear expectations - even though you feel you shouldn’t have to spell stuff out you need to break the stalemate. And then just talking & listening to each other as much as possible.

You’ll have to relax a bit from ‘perfect’ where parenting is concerned and he’ll have to step up hugely and be more proactive.

You spend your days on alert, never really relaxing, always keeping an ear out for the baby. You are always on duty. Your husband is not doing this. He should be. By 11 months, even if you are breastfeeding, he could explicitly be taking over the on-call a few evenings a week and being the first one to jump up and just bring you the baby if needed. Like most men, he doesn’t understand how much stress that constant state of alert is causing you. The resentment you feel at his ability to sit calmly and go about his life without always thinking about the baby first is natural. He needs to start being truly on duty where he doesn’t go to the bathroom without thinking about what he will do if the baby cries or he doesn’t try to make a sandwich without thinking about if he has time to do that before the baby needs something.

Because before a baby you either believe that you are an equal partner, or its easier to brush under the carpet the indications that he does not pull his weight. Once you have a baby out becomes clear that he is a lazy, selfish and entitled arse hole.

Have to says ours is better now than ever. But, my husband took paternity leave and shared parental leave so had experience of full childcare duties. We split everything equally in terms of childcare and housework and therefore have no resentment. Yes, we occasionally argue, but just about little things like we did pre children.

@BaggyBagsy I'd suggest focusing on equal the off (time spent catching up on sleep DOES NOT COUNT it is just making up for the great sleep he gets every night). So if he has an hour to read a book, an evening with a friend, time for a run, he needs to make sure you get the same amount of time that week.

It's a simple rule which avoids having to keep track of who did what chores/work/childcare each day.

Because you realised you married a dickhead. And now have 2 children not one.

This.
You are rightly resentful, whether you consciously acknowledge it or not.
You are realising that soon you alone will be doing ALL baby-related work, housework, PLUS your job.
Your OH has to pull his lazy finger out.

Because you are neither the main love of each of your lives.

My Mr has always said, and visa versa, that the love you have for your kids is just overwhelming at times.

You are just adjusting to that.

Drop any form of 'bomb' in your relationship and it will be challenging.
We don't have kids but are on our 3rd home refurb and our relationship becomes strained when we're in the thick of the process.

Relationships have a sort of balance.. they often reach that balance naturally over time. It's not always a fair balance. Women may take on more emotional load with child care and organising appointments and bills etc. men some times take on more physical load with house maintenance, car maintenance and garden work etc etc.

Welcome back to the 50's!!

I do both as a single woman.

Always better than some crap man around who did not deal with his shit growing up. old

Single mum, that should read....

@BaggyBagsy

I really don’t like what’s happened to me. I absolutely love being mum to DS and love spending all our time together. But I’ve become really angry and short tempered with DH.

We talked more about him helping, and he wanted to be very hands on today so he can start helping more, and then this morning he tests positive for covid. I know it’s not his fault, but all off a sudden, I’m taking great offence at every small comment he makes, and start an argument with him. He doesn’t want to engage, but I won’t stop, until we start arguing. This isn’t me. This isn’t who I was. But I’ve lost sympathy and affection for him. And I’m so angry.

It must be built up resentment, combined with the prospect of returning to work.

If you both have demanding city jobs (which presumably pay well) you need to be a bit more realistic about what both you and him can manage.

Consider a full time nanny & consider a night nanny for two weeknights a week. Expensive but could do wonders for your marriage.

Write down the exact split of tasks between you and him each day so you have a clear rota & it doesn't get left to you.

I really think you need to change your mindset, your husband is not helping when he looks are his child, he is parenting. You need to develop plans for when you return, how you are going to both manage the new arrangements and who will be doing what. You talk about loving spending time with DS but this isnt about how much time you spend with him its about two parents looking after their child equally, You will feel so much better about your DH if he steps up.

I also think you should go away for a few days and leave him to it.

It’s definitely resentment.

A few things :

1 never call what he does helping. It’s not. It’s parenting.
2 change needs to start now so he can make whatever adjustments he needs to to his work life and so you can get some rest. The idea of dividing up all the jobs is a good one. This includes night wakings.

1. Throw money at the night waking problem. Hire a sleep consultant. You need one.
2. Tell DH that you need time to re-establish yourself in your career as you have covered the maternity leave. Therefore he needs to cover all of DSs sick days from nursery for at least the first 6 months and after that time you will be taking it in turns.

It’s a shame he now has covid which will make the next week or so very hard on you but you can use that time to put a plan in place.
Good luck

I think you should figure out what you would ideally like him to do, then tell him.

Pretend he's a new junior employee.

I know there's a lot said about it being equally his responsibility etc and it's true (if that's what you agreed at the outset), but you have to start from where you are, which is that you are an expert in this area, it's your turf, and you make most of the decisions. (Like about the parenting book).

I don't think you can realistically expect him to break into that arrangement in a helpful way without your leadership.

Totally with you on the one-sided childcare thing. DH is out working every hour under the sun and he is amazing for all he does for us but I think he pictures me sat at home with my feet up. Even the relentless cycle of changing a nappy, making a bottle and giving him food is enough without actually having to DO anything in the day. I also try to do a variety of things with him and have him playing with different toys etc. I left him with DH today for an hour (I sound like he’s a babysitter, how ridiculous) and when I came back he was sat watching the football with him plonked on the sofa beside him. I mean this is fine but it’s not what I do with him 🙈 When I say ‘oh your dad can get that’ sarcastically he jumps down my throat about how I can go to his work and he’ll stay at home then. Every single time I try to explain to him it’s not about me going to his work, it’s about him understanding just how exhausting it is doing all this for them both all day every day! I think that already sets a base level of tension so one slight inconvenience that could have been ignored before now snowballs into a huge issue every time 🙄

You need to speak to him about why he us going so little. My daughter didnt sleep and husband did Fri, sat and sometimes Thursday nights so I could get some rest. The rest of the week I would go to bed early and he would do everything up until midnight. He also did his fair share of everything else.

My advice is let him look after baby and get some sleep. He won't do everything the same as you as he is a different parent but you will feel so much better with some sleep. If he won't help. Do you need him?

Because you realised you married a dickhead

I'm afraid this is the nub and crux of it