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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The pandemic has changed my DH - can anyone relate or advise?

73 replies

Openmuddyfields · 12/03/2022 07:51

When I met DH, his job was very varied. He did a lot of travelling, mostly within the uk but also to Eastern Europe, Central Asia and America sometimes. So it would be very varied, he’d spend a couple of days elsewhere in the country, maybe a day in the office, a day at home, another day travelling, and so on.

He enjoyed it a lot and he liked the variety.

Then the pandemic happened and he was WFH as most people were five days a week. And the company adapted and a lot of what was face to face is now online, so even though things are back to ‘normal’, they aren’t.

My issue is tbh he’s become really lazy on the back of this. He’s supposed to be in the office a day a week but often refuses, usually says he has covid symptoms. As a result he’s just constantly there … I can’t say I think it’s good to spend 95% of your life in one house. He isn’t great with doing stuff around the house and although he will give the house a big clean once a week the day to day stuff like laundry, loading and emptying the dishwasher, dropping off and picking up at nursery, bath and bed, all fall on me. Plus DC doesn’t sleep through and to be fair here always wants me at night. So that can’t be helped but I do think DH should see how tiring this is for me and step up a bit more but he doesn’t.

I think it’s classic that the less you do the less you want to do and he’s fallen into that trap a bit. I’m also finding conversation limited as he has never been anywhere or done anything.

I don’t know if anyones had anything similar? He’s still a good man. He’s kind and generous and he’s loving and considerate but the laziness is getting to me.

OP posts:

GeneLovesJezebel · 12/03/2022 07:53

Do you work ?

Original poster

Openmuddyfields · 12/03/2022 07:53

Yes

OP posts:

GeneLovesJezebel · 12/03/2022 08:00

Well, to be honest I think you’re lucky that he does a big clean once a week. All my DH does is the bathroom once in a blue moon, and dinner a couple of nights a week.

Coughee · 12/03/2022 08:03

You're really not lucky that he does a big clean. Is he doing an equal amount of chores? If not he needs to be. He should see it for himself but if he isn't you should raise it. Any possibility of you also planning some fun out of the house stuff ideally without the kids? Sounds like you're stuck in a rut a bit.

Original poster

Openmuddyfields · 12/03/2022 08:17

I don’t think I’m “lucky” that he does a big clean - this generally gets done when I’ve taken the children out and takes around an hour. I certainly do much more day to day stuff around the house.

However it isn’t so much the housework I’m bothered about, as the fact that I feel we are in a very difficult cycle where he is doing very little and as a result, the less he wants to do.

Sometimes I say to myself that it doesn’t matter but really it does. I’m up half the night some nights but I don’t even get a weekend lie-in. The only child free time I have when not at work is maybe once a week, when he takes DC to supermarket.

It is just a bit relentless, in some ways. I do love him, I don’t want to leave and I am confident at heart he’s a good man. But he’s got into bad habits.

OP posts:

hopeishere · 12/03/2022 08:22

Can you get a cleaner?

Agree with pp plan some family stuff and alone stuff out of the house at the weekends.

Is it just the housework or is it he's more "boring" now, less to talk about and under your feet??

Original poster

Openmuddyfields · 12/03/2022 08:30

It’s not the housework that’s the problem. I sort of wish I hadn’t mentioned that because it really isn’t what I’m posting about.

OP posts:

bluejelly · 12/03/2022 08:35

I think quite a few people are like this. Their world shrunk during lockdown and they haven't expanded it again. And now they're a bit scared/lazy. I think I was guilty of this myself. I would gently encourage out if his comfort zone through social and other events.
I am back to normal now, but definitely wasn't in January...

hopeishere · 12/03/2022 08:35

So is it more he's become a bit boring and in a rut?

Original poster

Openmuddyfields · 12/03/2022 08:42

The problem is that firstly he has become, as I’ve said, lazy. This transcends way beyond housework and the housework is actually the least of my issues.

My day is - up at 6. Shower, dress, dry hair. Sometimes I am doing this with a child hanging off me Wash and dress child. Out for nursery. Go to work. Work. Leave work at 4, get child from nursery, go home, play with child, cuddles, toys, books, snacks.

Once a week I get about an hours reprieve while DH takes Dc to the shop.

Then bath at 7, bed at 730. Do any work I need to do, sort laundry, ensure all is ready for next day.

DH day - sometimes dresses DC. Starts work 830. Works till around 5 (approximate.) Once a week takes DC to shop. Does a bit of cuddling / playing between 530-7 ish. Sometimes puts a nappy on DC and pyjamas while I get a bottle ready.

Then at night I usually get woken at least twice on a good night. DH sleeps through.

So I do think he could be doing a lot more to help.

Then there’s the shrunken world problem. He doesn’t go anywhere or see anyone really and it’s a bit sad.

OP posts:

EarthSight · 12/03/2022 08:44

The reason why you were attracted to him in the first place might be because he was 'The Businessman' type - busy and flying to different countries. Maybe you found that admirable or even glamourous.

Having him at home all the time might not what you envisioned, and so because you find this change unattractive, you are expecting him to do things to compensate, and no wonder really. I don't think you're asking for too much. Now that he's at home all the time, you also just expect him to pull his weight more anyway.

Have you always had this relationship where he's away regularly? What was he like back then when he was home? Did you do everything then as well, or did you do what you're doing now, thinking you wanted to give him a break because he was at home and not away? Just wondering if you simply didn't realise what your husband was really like back then, or if he secretly wanted or got used to the woman doing a lot more domestically? What was he like before you got married and who did he live with?

Have you actually told him what you find unacceptable or are you just quietly seething that he doesn't see it?

bluedodecagon · 12/03/2022 08:46

You’re conflating the two issues and that’s why people are confused.

Focus on getting him to do his fair share. On the plus side, if you make it slightly more uncomfortable for him to be in the house, he will likely leave it more.

SallyWD · 12/03/2022 08:46

Could he be mildly depressed? My DH was also very adventurous and always travelling for work, pre-covid. Now he's lost all interest. He does go in to the office a few times a week which is great but he has no desire to travel or do much these days. He knows he's depressed and is on antidepressants now.

parietal · 12/03/2022 08:46

I think the shrunken world is a big issue.

Do you ever get away for a holiday? Even a cheap break in the UK? Or trips at weekends or having friends over for lunch? Anything that breaks the monotony.

Do it once or twice and prompt him to organise things too. Talk more about the fun times pre-pandemic too.

Original poster

Openmuddyfields · 12/03/2022 08:47

@EarthSight not at all. Actually I wasn’t attracted to him to start with I very much went from ‘he’s OK’ to ‘he’s nice’ to ‘I like him’ to ‘I care about him’ to ‘I love him’ in the space of around twelve months.

I can honestly say I couldn’t give a flying fish about his job or his status. I’m proud of him because I know he’s very good at what he does but that’s the extent of it.

But I do feel a bit similar to how I did when my Dad retired and went from being a very clever, capable and interesting man to a fussy little Norris from the corner shop overnight

OP posts:

Original poster

Openmuddyfields · 12/03/2022 08:48

We’ve been on a few holidays since having dc but obviously have always had DC with us so a holiday of sorts but …. Parents with little children will know what I mean!

OP posts:

EarthSight · 12/03/2022 08:48

Also, where is the nursery? There's a good chance he can change his work pattern so he's able to pick up the kid/kids from the nursery at least half of the week. Maybe he can take them to the park or somewhere afterwards so you can have some space?

Original poster

Openmuddyfields · 12/03/2022 08:50

He can. But he doesn’t. That’s what is a bit upsetting - even when I encourage it he comes back within twenty minutes so it’s a bit like I get to go to the toilet and have a drink and then they return!

He is honestly a lovely man but I do think he doesn’t really understand how my life is even though we live together.

OP posts:

stealthbanana · 12/03/2022 08:51

The reason people are fixated on the housework / childcare is because it is deeply weird to have 2 people in the same house, working roughly the same hours but one is doing all of the domestic labour and the other one doing…nothing. I understand why it’s ended up like this (presumably when he was travelling he physically couldn’t do any of it) but it sounds quite stark when you write it down the way you have.

On your actual OP, yes my DH has become more like this, and I think lots of people (men and women) have wrt their work. Being in the office is also not what it was - the commute is less appealing when everyone else isn’t in when you get there / no drinks after work / you’re still doing lots of your calls on zoom etc.

EarthSight · 12/03/2022 08:53

Fussy little Norris - lol.

Apologies that I got the wrong impression. It usually prompts me to wonder 'How is she going to feel when he retires and stops working'? You need to talk to him if you haven't already.

Aozora13 · 12/03/2022 08:53

The shrunken world thing has happened to me! I went from an exciting job with interesting travel to laid up with long Covid for several months. I used to insist on getting out every day and badgering DH to go on holiday. But now I’m somehow caught between fear and complacency and I don’t really know how to get out of it. I still pull my weight around the house though (maybe thanks to extensive female socialisation). Have you discussed it with your DH?

Velvian · 12/03/2022 08:55

I think you should talk to him to encourage him to go in the 1 day a week. The Covid excuse is not going to work much longer.

I think once he actually gets in the office, he will appreciate having a bit more of a balance. It is just taking the first step.

Could you invent an important meeting that you need to leave for at 7.30, so he has to do the nursery run? Then make it a more regular thing.

Mollie5 · 12/03/2022 08:56

I don't really have any advice unfortunately as I'm in a similar situation.

My husband has also been WFH since the pandemic and has gone from a clever man to a fussy Noris from the corner shop.

I've been telling him to find some hobbies to get him out the house but he refuses. I've decided to focus on myself and my toddler only, we go out and enjoy ourselves whilst he sits at home in his pyjamas.

EarthSight · 12/03/2022 08:58

@Openmuddyfields

He is honestly a lovely man but I do think he doesn’t really understand how my life is even though we live together.

You encourage it??

No - you need to start demanding this. Tell him that if he's taking them out, he is not to come back with them for at least an hour! Seriously. If it's raining, there needs to be a plan b), like going to a cafe (some of the big chains are open late). Same with weekends. Unless you plan on a family outing, he is now to take the kids out for 1- 2hrs somewhere.

LoganberryJam · 12/03/2022 09:00

It's worrying that he's making excuses not to go into the office. Surely that won't be going down well with his boss?

Is there a hobby he used to enjoy that he could re-start? Or ask him to plan your family holiday this summer if you're having one? Suggest a day out with the kids?

I know you don't really want advice on housework / childcare but it's shocking that he doesn't give you a weekend lie-in when you've been up a lot in the night. I would definitely put your foot down there!

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