The pandemic has changed my DH - can anyone relate or advise?

[Openmuddyfields]

When I met DH, his job was very varied. He did a lot of travelling, mostly within the uk but also to Eastern Europe, Central Asia and America sometimes. So it would be very varied, he’d spend a couple of days elsewhere in the country, maybe a day in the office, a day at home, another day travelling, and so on.

He enjoyed it a lot and he liked the variety.

Then the pandemic happened and he was WFH as most people were five days a week. And the company adapted and a lot of what was face to face is now online, so even though things are back to ‘normal’, they aren’t.

My issue is tbh he’s become really lazy on the back of this. He’s supposed to be in the office a day a week but often refuses, usually says he has covid symptoms. As a result he’s just constantly there … I can’t say I think it’s good to spend 95% of your life in one house. He isn’t great with doing stuff around the house and although he will give the house a big clean once a week the day to day stuff like laundry, loading and emptying the dishwasher, dropping off and picking up at nursery, bath and bed, all fall on me. Plus DC doesn’t sleep through and to be fair here always wants me at night. So that can’t be helped but I do think DH should see how tiring this is for me and step up a bit more but he doesn’t.

I think it’s classic that the less you do the less you want to do and he’s fallen into that trap a bit. I’m also finding conversation limited as he has never been anywhere or done anything.

I don’t know if anyones had anything similar? He’s still a good man. He’s kind and generous and he’s loving and considerate but the laziness is getting to me.

“Losing the zing” describes it well for me.

And it does put me off him. Can’t help it. He’s also lovely, but it makes for a bit of a dull time, though he’s older and we are in different circumstances

Leaving aside the housework stuff - I think one big clean once a week is more than enough for any house but I guess that's because we're child-free.

But from your descriptions of your days it sounds like you're both stuck in a rut. You're still going out to work but for both of you, it's just work - house - children - rinse and repeat.

Where are your interests? Where are your friends? Where is the cultural life? Where are the things you like doing for themselves, not because they need to be done?

Going to office doesn't make anyone a good conversationalist (the opposite in my experience). You don't need to go anywhere to have interesting things to talk about. I've WFH for over a decade and the freedom it allows me to explore things I'm interested in and keep up to date on what's happening in the world have definitely made me better company.

Having said that post-lockdown I can also identify with being too settled/lazy to have as full a life as I did before. It's very tempting and easy to just nest (especially in the winter). You simply need to bite the bullet and make activities happen again. "We're getting stuck in a rut, we need to get out of the house - I'm booking a restaurant/show/gig/exhibition, is there anything you particularly fancy doing."

Sorry that I can’t really advise on your situation, however, I’m divorced and in my mid-40s. I’m back to dating, and I can say with certainty that men appear a lot more lackluster post-lockdown than before. It broke a lot of people’s spirits.

@gannett I’m sure you didn’t mean it to but that came over like an interrogation, tbh.

Let’s say DH gets some amazing hobby that takes him out of the house - great, except who will be doing the childcare?

It’s not ‘going to the office’ it’s living your entire life in four rooms.

This is why I think he at the very least should do the morning stint with the DC which then means he can get a hobby outside the house without you having done all the parenting.

Perhaps you need to actually have some days out and leave him doing it all so he has to step up and engage with them?

His 'big' clean lasts for one hour?

How big a clean can it be in an hour? Our professional cleaner comes for three hours and just does the bare essentials.

Thats really nothing. One hour compared with all you do during the week. AND you're also providing childcare solo while he does it.

I would love an hour a week in an empty house to listen to a podcast while I wipe the countertops or what have you.

Why doesn't he drop the child to nursery so you don't have to rush in the morning?

He does sound quite boring. I don't know what you can do about that.

I’m in a similar position and identify with some of the feelings you share OP.

One thing we do that may be worth a try is break the weekends into 8 ‘shifts’ - each day has early morning, morning, afternoon and evening. We do one solo each, and two together - e.g. he does early morning wake up and breakfast, we go out together in the morning, I have DS in the afternoon and then we share dinner bath and bed.

It’s a fairly common complaint on MN where the mums and kids proactively get on and live their own lives and dad just tags along on the weekends. It sounds like this might be where you’re heading without some intervention.

Are you comfortable talking to your DH about this? It doesn’t have to be a ‘come to Jesus’ serious talk, but you should be able to introduce important topics as part of general conversation.

Sharing the domestic labour is actually the relatively easy fix, but getting him reanimated and vibrant again is not. As you say, if he gets a great hobby, he’ll be out more and presumably have more chat and spark, but it’ll be about that hobby whatever it is, and you’ll be left at home holding the baby, back to square one.

As a short-term fix to help him break out of his homebody shell, could you ask him to plan one activity a weekend out of the house for all of you? A walk in a local nature reserve, trip to a nearby toddler-friendly museum, whatever… It’s on him to research and get you there, but it has to happen every Sunday morning (or whenever). If his horizons have shrunk with the pandemic, getting him into local activities might be just comfortable enough to engage with.

Some of what you say strikes me as odd. Conflict is an inevitable part of being in relationships. It's not healthy to not talk about your needs and to let things fester, which is what I think you might be doing here. You say he lovely and kind.......but you seem scared to talk to him about something so mundane that most parents talk about. Why? It's bizarre. Either you have a serious issue with confrontation and rocking the boat, or he's not as nice as what you make out and you don't want to see it because it would shatter the image of him you've built up for yourself. I could understand if you'd only been together 6 months and hadn't had your first argument, but you're like this with someone you've had children with.

Generally speaking (and this goes beyond your husband) just because someone is very polite, charming or non-confrontational, doesn't automatically make them a 'lovely' person. Sorry to point out the obvious, but so many people make this mistake. Everybody fawns on those types, saying 'oh aren't the lovely ?' and 'they wouldn't hurt a fly or upset anybody'.....whereas in reality that person has managed to figure a very useful tactic to get through life, usually starting in childhood. They're very good at feigning innocence, and usually do this to get out of work or doing something. I've seen it myself. It's covert manipulation. Others are just too self-absorbed to see that someone else needs help.

I probably am odd but it’s very hard to explain because he just doesn’t get it.

@Milomonster that’s interesting. I won’t bother breaking free and dating again then 🤣

Aside from the’losing zing’ comment I made earlier, I think many people have just lost the desire to be constantly on the go doing this and that. I know people that were real gym freaks, have put on weight and now can’t be arsed to get it off, people that were doing festivals frequently but now can’t be bothered with it— I think it’s a combination of a ton of things that have affected people in more or lesser degrees, covid, changes in job routine or location, changes in income, current situation in Ukraine, Brexit related stuff including businesses and yes changes in relationships caused by all/any of the above.

Could you jump start things a bit op, by booking some trips out alone with your DH? Even if it's just to the garden centre or the pub? Maybe booking a baby-sitter every so often would help smooth a transition by your DH being a homebody to striking out a bit more? Do it together first - allowing you to reconnect as a couple - and then he might launch off on his own? Hopefully?

We really don’t have anyone who could have DC. We do have a friend who offers sometimes but then if you take them up on it there’s always a reason why not! We even spent our wedding night with DC in the cot next to us

4th reply in "can you get a cleaner" 🤣🤣🤣. She doesn't need a cleaner she has an able bodied husband in the house 90% of the time!! You can't tip toe around this just get him told. I had the same with my husband years ago, pre children, he was lazy on the tidying front so we fell out about it until he changed his ways. As for being lazy and not wanting to do anything, again you need to tell him. And stop insisting he's a lovely considerate man, he's lazy and not pulling his weight that's not remotely loving or considerate.

So you are doing too much and he isn't doing enough, you know this, he doesn't (or maybe does know but doesn't care). The only solution is to communicate, tell him exactly what you have said here, he isn't doing enough at home and isn't pulling his weight with his kids. If you continue the way you re you are a martyr, doing it all, without him noticing. Talk to him, nothing wrong with ultimatum when the division of Labour is so unfair, but accept you re making voices here too, taking on so much. The small world thing is harder, but maybe he can expand his horizons domestically rather than at work and give you space by being out with the kids much much more, for much longer. Tell him, it suits him to live as he is, but it isn't working for you.

Choices not voices

@GeneLovesJezebel

Well, to be honest I think you’re lucky that he does a big clean once a week. All my DH does is the bathroom once in a blue moon, and dinner a couple of nights a week.

Set your bar fucking higher

I think it is concerning that you feel you can't discuss this with your DH. Discussing the division of labour isn't 'being split anally down the middle.' There is a middle ground. Is your reluctance to discuss it an ingrained fear of having any conflict, or would your DH object to this type of conversation? I know I'm not expressing myself well, but for most people it would be a conversation that would just automatically happen, without any drama, so it might be worth reflecting on why you think it is a big deal?

Out if interest, how old is your child? It seems to me that you have both had dramatic changes in your lives in a short period of time, becoming parents and lock down / wfh.

I also agree with pp that allowing your wife to carry the burden of parenting and most household chores when you are both working full time isn't 'nice'. It's selfish and thoughtless.

@EarthSight

Some of what you say strikes me as odd. Conflict is an inevitable part of being in relationships. It's not healthy to not talk about your needs and to let things fester, which is what I think you might be doing here. You say he lovely and kind.......but you seem scared to talk to him about something so mundane that most parents talk about. Why? It's bizarre. Either you have a serious issue with confrontation and rocking the boat, or he's not as nice as what you make out and you don't want to see it because it would shatter the image of him you've built up for yourself. I could understand if you'd only been together 6 months and hadn't had your first argument, but you're like this with someone you've had children with.

Generally speaking (and this goes beyond your husband) just because someone is very polite, charming or non-confrontational, doesn't automatically make them a 'lovely' person. Sorry to point out the obvious, but so many people make this mistake. Everybody fawns on those types, saying 'oh aren't the lovely ?' and 'they wouldn't hurt a fly or upset anybody'.....whereas in reality that person has managed to figure a very useful tactic to get through life, usually starting in childhood. They're very good at feigning innocence, and usually do this to get out of work or doing something. I've seen it myself. It's covert manipulation. Others are just too self-absorbed to see that someone else needs help.

This is what I was trying to say, and @EarthSight had already said it much more eloquently.

@GeneLovesJezebel

Well, to be honest I think you’re lucky that he does a big clean once a week. All my DH does is the bathroom once in a blue moon, and dinner a couple of nights a week.

Lucky?! Just because your husband doesn't pull his weight doesn't mean OP should be grateful for a slightly less shit job from hers. Jesus wept

I just want to offer a different perspective. I travelled a lot for work before the pandemic. It was exciting and I saw some places like South America and Asia on company dime. Since the pandemic began, I have struggled. I work from home most days now. On the one hand, travelling for work is utterly exhausting and not a glamorous as it’s sometimes made out to be. Being home has been good, I have lost weight and have a routine now. Travelling all the time was utterly taxing on my health and body. I’m glad I haven’t been to an airport in a while but I also feel like this has also made me lazy because going to the office is nowhere near as interesting as being out and about travelling so I don’t do it and being at home is also depressing sometimes. A bit of a vicious circle. I totally get your husband, the adjustment to this new life is crazy. Maybe he’s a bit depressed.

That doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t help out more though and do stuff with the kids, that’s rubbish and not nice for you. They are also his responsibility and spending time with them will be good for you all. You need to be really direct about you expecting that from him.

My suggestion........ organise some childcare so you two can go out on "dates"
Go out all of you together as a family somewhere fun - even if its just a local country park for a walk/playground
Get him to ressume whatever sociable hobbies he pursued pre lockdown - if he didnt have any....... nows the time to find some!