The pandemic has changed my DH - can anyone relate or advise?

[Openmuddyfields]

When I met DH, his job was very varied. He did a lot of travelling, mostly within the uk but also to Eastern Europe, Central Asia and America sometimes. So it would be very varied, he’d spend a couple of days elsewhere in the country, maybe a day in the office, a day at home, another day travelling, and so on.

He enjoyed it a lot and he liked the variety.

Then the pandemic happened and he was WFH as most people were five days a week. And the company adapted and a lot of what was face to face is now online, so even though things are back to ‘normal’, they aren’t.

My issue is tbh he’s become really lazy on the back of this. He’s supposed to be in the office a day a week but often refuses, usually says he has covid symptoms. As a result he’s just constantly there … I can’t say I think it’s good to spend 95% of your life in one house. He isn’t great with doing stuff around the house and although he will give the house a big clean once a week the day to day stuff like laundry, loading and emptying the dishwasher, dropping off and picking up at nursery, bath and bed, all fall on me. Plus DC doesn’t sleep through and to be fair here always wants me at night. So that can’t be helped but I do think DH should see how tiring this is for me and step up a bit more but he doesn’t.

I think it’s classic that the less you do the less you want to do and he’s fallen into that trap a bit. I’m also finding conversation limited as he has never been anywhere or done anything.

I don’t know if anyones had anything similar? He’s still a good man. He’s kind and generous and he’s loving and considerate but the laziness is getting to me.

I know what you’re saying. I think a lot of people have got stuck in that ‘lockdown’ mentality of staying in etc for whatever reason- scared of covid, lethargy etc ’, but it’s no good for mental health - the least you do, the less you want to do really.
I’d def encourage him back in to office once a week.

He does go in sometimes, but him not going in is fairly regular.

He started to go in one day a week in September. Then in December I think Omicron meant WFH if you can came back, this eased in February, and he’s had a few times where he’s had ‘covid symptoms’ then once he genuinely did have covid, it’s just him supposed to be there is no guarantee he will actually go in.

He can’t help the fact the company has changed and I get that but I think it’s led to laziness.

@stealthbanana I think it’s because the day to day stuff like laundry and so on just gets done out of sight. He will clean the house maybe every other week.

My husband also travelled loads for work, was away a lot, meetings all over the world and then suddenly working from home 5 days a week, it’s been more miserable since and lonely. He’s gone from fun team meetings, flying, seeing new places to saying in one room all day. Major shock.

He’s just started his travelling again and is more upbeat, but I can see how it’s easy to get stuck in that staying at home rut

Does he realise you're cross about this OP? Maybe you need to be clearer about your feelings?

I probably do but despite what I’m saying here, he is lovely and kind and I don’t want to either hurt him or have bad feeling in the house. I also don’t want things being split anally down the middle - it’s not his fault DC has decided only mummy will do at night but then it would be good if he could be thinking OK, I get a full nights sleep, so I can do these things to help.

But then he’s always complaining he’s tired!

I think you need to get a baby-sitter in for a day while you and your DH go out for the day or evening and reconnect. And part of that could be looking at your life post-pandemic and how things have changed and talking to him about how you feel. Could your DH be depressed for example? Also, you could download a sheet of all household and child care tasks and divide them up more evenly. If he is at home the most, he should be taking on at least half, if not more. Why can't he take care of the afternoon nursery run for example? And share the night waking? Talk to him about things have to change. Good luck

@GeneLovesJezebel

Well, to be honest I think you’re lucky that he does a big clean once a week. All my DH does is the bathroom once in a blue moon, and dinner a couple of nights a week.

What bollox

I think I get you OP. My DH seems lazy to me. There’s stuff to do around the house, but he sticks to his routine and doesn’t do extras. Things like decorating, general DIY, gardening.

He has his routine, likes wfh, does some stuff but little else. Few hobbies or interests.

I really don’t think he’s depressed. I think he’s not enjoying his work as much as he used to, but he doesn’t hate it either if you see what I mean.

I suppose the problem with downloading the household chores is that I don’t really want things to go down the very anal route of you did this so I will do that.

And he does make comments about the house being messy sometimes and I feel like it’s a criticism of me. Probably isn’t but feels that way.

@GeneLovesJezebel

Well, to be honest I think you’re lucky that he does a big clean once a week. All my DH does is the bathroom once in a blue moon, and dinner a couple of nights a week.

Just because you’ve set your bar low, doesn’t mean the rest of us have to grateful if our partners barely clear it. My DP does 50% of bedtimes, wake-ups, nursery runs, meals (and meal planning, the worst part), shopping, washing up, laundry, DIY and life admin. That’s the bar.

OP, my DP isn’t as bad as this and nor am I, but we have both fallen into the “doing less makes us want to do less” trap. We’re fixing it and are both making the effort to go out, exercise, go to the office. The trouble is the person has to want to change that. It’s a bit like starting to run: getting from sofa out the door the first few times is awful. It takes 21 days to create a habit: you need to find a way to kickstart him and keep him kickstarted for a month until it takes.

For us, that meant booking things in the diary, lots more than we’d usually do, and nudging each other to stick to plans: even when transport was bad or the rest of the team wasn’t going in or it was raining, we’d each have the other to metaphorically get us off the sofa and out on a run.

He does do things at weekends but it’s always with me. So again it’s a bit like … I have to pack the bag and ensure nappies and wipes and food and so on.

I’m glad others have recognised what I mean though - it is helpful in a strange way when you know you’re not going mad!

No help to you, but yes to the shrunken world/lethargy thing. And the subsequent lack of conversation. Then I feel I’m boring as I just witter on about what I’ve been doing.

I’ve booked to go away without him soon as I’m tired of waiting.

It is really helpful to know it’s not just me to be honest

@Openmuddyfields

He does do things at weekends but it’s always with me. So again it’s a bit like … I have to pack the bag and ensure nappies and wipes and food and so on.

I’m glad others have recognised what I mean though - it is helpful in a strange way when you know you’re not going mad!

You need to do a hard reset on being the default parent. You don’t have to pack the changing bag if you’re going out as a family – just stop doing it. Tell him to do it: if you always do it there’s no reason for him to step in, or learn what DC actually need when out and about. Has he ever taken DC out solo?

Presumably he can’t WFH if DC is there, so if you go on strike with nursery drop-offs, he’ll have to do it.

I would sit down with him one night with a list of everything that gets done – from the dishwasher to DC drop-offs – and not budge until the division of labour is changed. You have to force the issue.

@stuntbubbles I do understand what you mean but it does go deeper than that. If everything was 50% it would be one thing … but it feels a bit like we’d still be left with a bit of a deflated balloon.

I do genuinely feel a bit like I’m married to a man who has recently retired not a man in his early 40s.

As I’ve said elsewhere I think all this WFH suits a lot of women particularly with small children and well established local friend network etc— I think it’s created a great many men acting like yours is OP and they have become dull and boring if I’m honest as well as not stepping up to the plate domestically— there are some that have but plenty who haven’t and no longer have any get up and go — I would tell him you would like him to go in at least once a week and that he needs to develop some local interests because it’s making him loose his zing.

@GeneLovesJezebel

Well, to be honest I think you’re lucky that he does a big clean once a week. All my DH does is the bathroom once in a blue moon, and dinner a couple of nights a week.

Never understand posts like this.

Just cos your partner does less doesn't mean the op should be grateful for the little her husband does.

I would be asking him to start getting up with the DC in the morning, to give them breakfast and dress them, get them ready for nursery whilst you shower etc.

Tell him he needs to be more hands on with them to build a better bond. Remind him you are up in the night with them and he isn't hence he needs to take over seeing as though you do nights and nursery runs etc.

He needs an activity or hobby I guess. Start with him doing the mornings and when he's actually doing that properly bring up that his world has got small.

Perhaps couples counselling if you ultimately need to tell him he's got "boring" for want of a better word.

I don’t know that I’d say boring. I think this is why this is so difficult because it’s very difficult to articulate exactly what it is. Just sad in a way that a man who used to travel across continents now can’t travel across one county.

Have you sat down and talked about the change in dynamic, about a new plan? Many relationships have changed during the pandemic mine certainly has. I am the person wfh full time now and struggled to adjust.

Sustaining relationships is about negotiating the changes. One example in our home was when I moved from part time to full time work. We sat down and discussed how this meant my DP was going to have to do more (and the DC too). Afterwards there were fewer surprises and it helped reduce resentment.

We’ve had to do similar now I’m wfh, not just DP but the adult DCs who seem to think because I’m in the house now I am suddenly available for all sorts of favours.

If he has worked away a lot he hasn’t been in the habit of sharing the load, you have been doing the bulk of it. Many people who work away only have themselves to think about.

Make time to talk, everything has changed you need to readjust, ask each other what is important, resentment kills relationships.

Your DC wants only mummy at night because that’s all they have ever had - because your DH doesn’t step up. Who is in charge? Your DC or you, the parents?

Also, ‘anally split down the middle’? I would work in your mindset that the shared working of a household and childcare is ‘anal’.

You keep saying how lovely your DH is yet he doesn’t care if you’re unhappy.

I know I can't think of the word you mean either. However building a close relationship with the DC by being involved and hands on should energise him.

Perhaps that's it he has no "energy for living"??

It's absolutely true the less you do the less inclination you have to do anything.

Seriously your DC need him to be involved else they are constantly having reinforced that he isn't someone that responds to their needs on any level.

Not going to comment on the housework, childcare, etc but just wanted to say, I’m in a similar position to your husband in regards to previously doing a lot of work travel, which the pandemic has now changed. I very much enjoyed it at the time and loved being constantly on the go. Similar to your husband, I now have no desire to even travel into the office. I wouldn’t class it as being lazy and I’m not depressed. I just don’t want to do that anymore. I liken it to when I was younger, I used to go out all the time - pubs, clubs, parties - loved it. As I got older, I just didn’t enjoy that sort of thing so much.

It’s a change in lifestyle - something you enjoyed at one point in your life isn’t necessarily how you want to continue forever. Lifestyle changes usually come with a period of adjustment, even if the change is by choice. Your husband might need support with the change or just time to get used to it. Not saying at all that you should give him a free ride (and he definitely should be pulling his weight at home regardless!) but I think expecting him to want to bounce back to exactly how he lived his life previously is probably unrealistic.

Why doesn't he drop the child to nursery?

He sounds lazy and selfish.

OP I can really relate to this from the other side of the coin. I feel the same, I used to go into London 4 times a week and travel a good few times a year. Now mostly I work in my home office, trundle into the living room after work and sit on my phone. I have started to go into the office twice a week and start to travel but it's like I have forgotten how I used to live and how I filled my day.

DH is a sahd and my DC are teens so not the same there, I do get the feelings of tiredness and just not being bothered. By now I would be planning camping weekends and holidays but it feels like too much effort.