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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Selfish husband

72 replies

EnidAndFrog · 11/03/2022 08:27

Currently six months pregnant and have a DS aged 2. A few days ago I had to go to hospital due to lack of baby movements, I had been really poorly for a few days - DH and I both had a similar virus.

DH said he was too ill to take me to hospital or to look after DS, so his mum kindly took me. DH still hasn't asked how the hospital appointment went or if baby has moved again.

That night DS had a fever of over 40° and was pale, floppy and throwing up so had to go to hospital in an ambulance. Whilst I was running around trying to keep it together, changing DS and I as we were both covered in sick, DH lay in bed watching, didn't get up to see DS once. I then spent almost four hours in children's A&E with DS and got back home in early hours of morning. When DH woke up the next day, he just messaged me to tell me he had a headache. Didn't ask how DS was.

He's just so happened to have a week off work and has had a lie in every day. I haven't had lie in since before DS was born. When we've taken DS to park, DH has stayed in car saying it's important he gets better (but not me, apparently). There have been a few underhand comments about how it's more important for him to get better than me as he works and I don't (I gave up work to be a SAHM when DS was born). He has had a daytime nap virtually every day while I've had to carry on and do everything whilst also ill and also suffering with SPD due to pregnancy.

In all our time together, he has never cooked for me (actually he did once when DS was two days old), has certainly never got up with DS in the morning and if we are going somewhere it's up to me to pack change bag, snacks etc. Sometimes DH will do DS' bath but I will inevitably get a phone call after ten minutes asking me to take over, and it's up to me to sort a towel, clean clothes, nappy and change him and get him to sleep after.

I feel so naive but I think I'm only just starting to realise how selfish he is and in particular his lack of interest about DS going in an ambulance to hospital has really jolted me awake. I understand that as a stay at home parent the majority of parenting and housework etc will fall to me but his behaviour this last week especially had really upset me. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or harsh though, as when I've talked to my mum and my friend they both are quick to insult him but then I think they would do that as they're not impartial. Does anyone have any advice or perspective please? I'm seeing my midwife tomorrow and I'm sick of saying yes when they ask me if I'm getting plenty of support at home, but don't know whether to open a can of worms. Sorry for ranting.

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 11/03/2022 08:33

He sounds very selfish!
Yes it’s important for you both to get better but his son was so sick you needed an ambulance. He should have been contacting you repeatedly to check in. With your reduced movements, surely if he cared for your baby then he’d try to take you or at least ask for an update as soon as you’ve been seen.
Is he having any mental health issues? It kind of sounds like he’s maybe depressed if he’s sleeping so much - is he doing anything other than working? Does he still keep up with any hobbies?
You need to think about what you want to do- personally I’d sit him down and have a long chat about how you’re feeling and what support you’re needing from him. Id do this before speaking to the midwife.
You can explain to him that you are going to tell the midwife you also don’t feel supported at home.
You need to be clear with what you expect from him and if he’s not willing to change then you need to think about what you want from your marriage.

Justcallmebebes · 11/03/2022 08:38

His behaviour was appalling and there would be no coming back from that for me. It's the complete lack of any concern for either you, your son or your unborn child.

Frannibananni · 11/03/2022 08:40

I think you need to get your ducks in a row- have a backup plan then have a honest discussion with your husband about what you both need. tbh he sounds very disinterested in family life.

Fireflygal · 11/03/2022 08:53

Wow, that is shocking behaviour. It seems be is completely lacking in empathy and incapable of love and care.

It must be distressing to your family to hear how he is treating you and his children.

What is his family like?

Chamomileteaplease · 11/03/2022 09:36

It is worrying that you would be unsure as to whether you are being unreasonble Sad. This is unbelievably selfish on your husband's part.

It seems he has it fixed in his mind that you are there to look after your son, unborn baby and the house and that he has to do absolutely nothing. Shocking.

I would most certainly make plans to leave him. He will ground you down otherwise and you will have no life.

I would usually suggest a long discussion first to try and get through to him to see if your marriage can be saved but this man just sounds 100% selfish and surely rather dense as well.

You would be helping your children to get away from such an uncaring man.

NotaCoolMum · 11/03/2022 09:38

My EX DP was exactly like your DH. I had surgery when our DS was 4 months old and my EX didn’t even cook dinner when I came home from hospital- I cooked while full of stitches and in pain. He used to forget to feed DS or change him. Said he was “too tired” and his job was “important” so he gad to get plenty of rest etc. He’s my EX for this very reason x

GeneLovesJezebel · 11/03/2022 09:40

It would be easier on your own as you wouldn’t have to put up with anger and resentment.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/03/2022 09:41

What is the point of him?. It sounds like he has chosen to opt out of family life and I would also make plans going forward to leave him. Be honest too regarding the lack of support you're receiving from your H if the midwife asks; why should you cover for him and his lack of care for his family?.

Kdubs1981 · 11/03/2022 09:41

Go back to work! As soon as possible.

GeneLovesJezebel · 11/03/2022 09:42

Do you own your home ?
Do you have child benefit paid into your own (not joint) bank account ?
Do you both have private pensions ?

Original poster
EnidAndFrog · 11/03/2022 21:11

@Hiddenvoice

He sounds very selfish! Yes it’s important for you both to get better but his son was so sick you needed an ambulance. He should have been contacting you repeatedly to check in. With your reduced movements, surely if he cared for your baby then he’d try to take you or at least ask for an update as soon as you’ve been seen. Is he having any mental health issues? It kind of sounds like he’s maybe depressed if he’s sleeping so much - is he doing anything other than working? Does he still keep up with any hobbies? You need to think about what you want to do- personally I’d sit him down and have a long chat about how you’re feeling and what support you’re needing from him. Id do this before speaking to the midwife. You can explain to him that you are going to tell the midwife you also don’t feel supported at home. You need to be clear with what you expect from him and if he’s not willing to change then you need to think about what you want from your marriage.
Yes I think he is depressed. Well I know he is really, but without sounding awful, he won't do anything about it and there's only so much I can do to help him - he doesn't agree with antidepressants and is against talking therapy. Similarly when he's ill and I ask if he's taken tablets etc he never has and always has a reason why he won't.

It's so hard to discuss anything with him as he gets so riled up and defensive. Every little thing feels like a drama, like for example yesterday I put some hand gel on my hands and he instantly started huffing, wound all the windows down in the car and snapped at me "not to do that in future". He is not willing to discuss anything, will just leave the room / not speak to me / tell me not to argue. So communicating with him just feels really hard. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
EnidAndFrog · 11/03/2022 21:13

@GeneLovesJezebel

Do you own your home ? Do you have child benefit paid into your own (not joint) bank account ? Do you both have private pensions ?
No, we rent privately. Child benefit is paid into my sole bank account. We both have separate private pensions but as I am not working, I am not currently paying into mine until I return to work in the next couple of years.
OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 11/03/2022 21:17

If I were in your shoes I’d give him an ultimatum he either goes and gets help from a GP or therapist, or you separate. As you say you cannot be expected to put up with his behaviour, he has to help himself, no one else can do it.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 11/03/2022 21:18

Seems like mil needs to take the big toddler off your hands... What an absolute fucking man child op. Ltb. And don't look back.

WallaceinAnderland · 11/03/2022 21:23

I haven't had lie in since before DS was born

This should have been enough to tell you not to have another baby with him. You need to start making plans to leave him. He won't change. This is your life now and it will only get worse if you stay.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/03/2022 21:26

A stranger on the street would show you more concern and courtesy. I can't fathom why you are tolerating this shit. Get rid of him.

Hiddenvoice · 11/03/2022 21:32

That sounds so tough! Like you said, there’s only so much you can do to support him when he’s refusing to get support.

I’m sorry you feel you can’t talk to him. It must make things very difficult for you but also must make you feel lonely that you can’t have a proper conversation without him becoming defensive etc
Have you met with your midwife? Are you going to speak to her about support?
My friend went through something similar and she wrote her partner a letter. She felt that she couldn’t speak tk him but needed him to actually see what he was putting her through.

I know it’s tough but I think you need to tell him in some way how you feel and what you, your son and your unborn child need for him.
It’s time for him to step up, get help and support you.
Do you have a good network of support around you?

RacyG · 11/03/2022 22:01

I'm so sorry you are being treated like that. He sounds awful and you - Like any decent woman , mother and child - deserve so much better. Very easy to say just leave, of course it's incredibly hard to do in so many ways but like everyone here it seems the right thing to do. Just sending you lots of love and good wishes for the future.

Womeninblack · 11/03/2022 22:05

What a horrible fucking man!!!

IsThePopeCatholic · 11/03/2022 22:09

I can hardly believe what you have written. Your dh needs to sort himself out and give you the support you deserve and need. He may be depressed, but he’s not doing anything about it - and you’re the one suffering. Could your mil talk to him? Please don’t let him treat you like this. You’re better off on your own if this continues.

DarkChocolateMint · 11/03/2022 22:10

You deserve better.

Unhelpful comment but idk how you havent decked him xxAngry

GeorgiaGirl52 · 11/03/2022 22:16

@AttilaTheMeerkat

What is the point of him?. It sounds like he has chosen to opt out of family life and I would also make plans going forward to leave him. Be honest too regarding the lack of support you're receiving from your H if the midwife asks; why should you cover for him and his lack of care for his family?.
This^ Start gathering your paperwork. Open a bank account in your name only. Arrange for a place for you and your DS to live after the baby comes. Talk to a legal expert. Since your mother and sister are on your side, share with them and ask for moral support.
Rachaelrachael · 11/03/2022 22:26

Wow, I thought my husband was selfish but this takes the biscuit! The lack of concern for me and his children would be a deal breaker. I'm so sorry you're going through this

NameGoesHere · 12/03/2022 07:01

Wow, his behaviour with your ill son would be a dealbreaker. What an uncaring turd.

Holothane · 12/03/2022 07:06

My jaw dropped with horror at this first post, I’ve heard some selfish behaviour but this beats it’s. This won’t change I’m sorry to say this but MH is a wonderful excuse for them mine does it, but he could always do studio crap, (before Parkinson’s) when it suited. You need to start planning to leave, pity you had 2nd child but you can’t change that. Get ducks together and all the best to you.