Selfish husband

[EnidAndFrog]

Currently six months pregnant and have a DS aged 2. A few days ago I had to go to hospital due to lack of baby movements, I had been really poorly for a few days - DH and I both had a similar virus.

DH said he was too ill to take me to hospital or to look after DS, so his mum kindly took me. DH still hasn't asked how the hospital appointment went or if baby has moved again.

That night DS had a fever of over 40° and was pale, floppy and throwing up so had to go to hospital in an ambulance. Whilst I was running around trying to keep it together, changing DS and I as we were both covered in sick, DH lay in bed watching, didn't get up to see DS once. I then spent almost four hours in children's A&E with DS and got back home in early hours of morning. When DH woke up the next day, he just messaged me to tell me he had a headache. Didn't ask how DS was.

He's just so happened to have a week off work and has had a lie in every day. I haven't had lie in since before DS was born. When we've taken DS to park, DH has stayed in car saying it's important he gets better (but not me, apparently). There have been a few underhand comments about how it's more important for him to get better than me as he works and I don't (I gave up work to be a SAHM when DS was born). He has had a daytime nap virtually every day while I've had to carry on and do everything whilst also ill and also suffering with SPD due to pregnancy.

In all our time together, he has never cooked for me (actually he did once when DS was two days old), has certainly never got up with DS in the morning and if we are going somewhere it's up to me to pack change bag, snacks etc. Sometimes DH will do DS' bath but I will inevitably get a phone call after ten minutes asking me to take over, and it's up to me to sort a towel, clean clothes, nappy and change him and get him to sleep after.

I feel so naive but I think I'm only just starting to realise how selfish he is and in particular his lack of interest about DS going in an ambulance to hospital has really jolted me awake. I understand that as a stay at home parent the majority of parenting and housework etc will fall to me but his behaviour this last week especially had really upset me. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or harsh though, as when I've talked to my mum and my friend they both are quick to insult him but then I think they would do that as they're not impartial. Does anyone have any advice or perspective please? I'm seeing my midwife tomorrow and I'm sick of saying yes when they ask me if I'm getting plenty of support at home, but don't know whether to open a can of worms. Sorry for ranting.

I can't believe what I've just read. It's bad enough that he does nothing by way of childcare / around the home (and yes, that is dreadful in itself) but this is worse than that - he appears not just to be lazy and selfish but actually not to even care.

He doesn't care about you or your DS. I can't imagnie a parent not being interested in a child's hospital appointment. I can't imagine a parent not being sick with worry if their DC has to go to A&E in an ambulance. He doesn't even give the impression of liking you, I'm afraid to say.

Much better to leave now before you are more pregnant, and before your DC are old enough to realise that they live with someone who doesn't give a sh*t.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you deserve so much better. It is normal to be apprehensive about leaving. it's a big decision. But that doesn't stop it being the right decision. This man is incapable of normal human empathy and care it seems. You and your DC deserve better.

As @billy1966 has said, please call women’s aid, talk to your GP immediately.

He is emotionally abusing both you and your DS.

Shouting at you Because your DS jumped in a puddle, driving erratically because you used hand sanitiser IS NOT NORMAL.

You are also correct, it will be better to leave before the baby is born.

If I bring up my needs he'll say something sarcastic like "if you think I'm such a shit husband/dad then I'll just leave''

Would he go through with this?
It would be better if he was to move out obvs, then you can get benefits and CMS

You poor thing OP, I hope you can get rid of him. He sounds absolutely vile 🙁

It doesn't sound like depression at all, the more you post the more it sounds like a personality disorder and/or abuse. Whatever it is, you need to get you and your son away from this man. You cannot fix him, you can only protect yourselves from him.

sa1s3.patientpop.com/assets/docs/85477.pdf

This is a link so you can read the Lundy Bancroft book. This was the best step I took towards recognising my exes behaviour as abuse. This was instrumental in giving me the strength to leave him. These men have very clear patterns of behaviour and I didn't actually know that it was abuse when I started reading the book. It's free and you can read it on your phone, hopefully won't put you in any danger. The more you post the worse he sounds. I hope you get out.

Also I don't think he'll leave willingly. His little "if I'm such a bad father" routine is just to get you to shut up and stop having needs. Get your support in place.

Psychopath. And outright scumbag. Bin him, it’s all he deserves.

OMG get rid of him at once.

He sounds psychopathically selfish. What parent sees their tiny child taken to hospital in an ambulance and isn't even curious about how he's doing?!?!?

Please call Women's Aid and talk, talk talk to them.

He sounds like such a selfish pig am sorry to say that, poor you as you need some support and help and tenderness and practical help and he does not even ask how his own son is. Shocking behaviour but he is showing his true colours and it sounds like he is jealous of the attention his own children get from you. Lots of men are like this and hate not been the center of attention. You need to rest when your son is napping as you need to. I would sit down with a list of things that are changing in your household. Him getting up one morning a weekend to give you a lay in. Him helping out around the house as you are not his maid. Really it would be easier without him as you could just concentrate on the children. I would send him back to his mother for a few weeks and see if that knocks any sense into him but tell him calmly and firmly this is changing or else he can go. Your family see him for what he is and your friends and does his own mother know how selfish he is to not even ask about his own son who had to go by ambulance to hospital. Keep posting on here for support. You did not marry him to put up with emotional abuse and his selfish ways.

He is not depressed but a narcissist with no emotion but only his needs to be met. Ring up Women's Aid and talk to them and keep talking to them and they will help you and do not worry about him getting custody. He would never get custody and write down all the things he has done to you. He is soo controlling that you cannot put hand gel on in the car. He will break you down completely and that is what he wants as he is a miserable sod and he wants to break you down so he feels better. It seems hard now but believe me it is easier on your own without someone always making you walk on egg shells. So sorry you are going through this but things will get better once he is out of your life as he is emotionally abusive.

I can’t see any positives about this man at all.

He is much worse than selfish.

No need to rush your escape - make a plan and take your time.

As there is abuse I’m sure your entitled to social housing

Can he not move out instead of you?

At least when he sees the kids you will get a break!!

In the medium /long term you need to get out as I think you know.

In the short term is there anyone who can give you a break - allow you to catch up on some sleep. Sorting all this will be alot easier if you are not running on empty. Perhaps your MIL? Or could you arrange an air b&b with your mother for the weekend?

He’s got you well trained, hasn’t he? It’s all about him and his needs. He’s a selfish cunt. He won’t get custody, he’s a shit parent and does nothing now, he won’t change and he can’t be arsed to parent now, that’s not going to change.

Thank you everyone, your comments have been eye opening. I will try and speak with a midwife and/or Women's Aid tomorrow when he's at work. I have spoken with Women's Aid previously but I panicked and chose to remain anonymous and not to proceed any further.

I keep thinking of "small" incidents like a couple of days ago DS was crying in the car and DH shouted at him straight away, just shouting his name and then when DS carried on crying, DH turned the radio up horribly loud. Perhaps I should write it all down so I have a record.

I know it sounds silly but I find myself taking pity on him because he just seems so pathetic, for lack of better word? I think he does struggle with insecurity etc but I just don't know what I can do about it and don't think he has it in him to change. But then he came home from work tonight and had bought me my favourite dessert and played with DS and then I start thinking maybe he's not so bad, I hate it. Having said that I also hate the thought of handing DS over for contact as I think if DH is horrid and shouty when I'm there to supervise, what is he going to be like behind closed doors with no one else around?

His mum thinks he is brilliant and wasn't phased about having to take me to hospital, in fact she kept saying he must be really unwell and I should make sure he gets lots of rest, despite the fact that he merely had a headache and I was unwell myself at the time.

I will try and make some calls today and see where they get me.

And your with him because…?????

He sounds awful, uncaring, selfish, self absorbed.

I don’t go LTB easily, but in this case I would give an ultimatum and get him out. Life would be easier without this man child around.

I’m sorry you’ve been through such an awful time with a complete lack of support from someone who is meant to love you.

“Perhaps I should write it all down so I have a record”- I’d record it. Just saw the update, he’s also abusive then. Lovely. His DM is enabling him and making excuses for him.
Get away from him! A dessert does not make up for this vile behaviour.

Bit like the box of chocolates I had after a shit month of being moaned grumpiness because our cleaner had been ill Christmas Eve then covid. Yes I know that feeling. Get out it won’t get any better.

Emotional abuse is a crime, the abuser deserves to have his life destroyed, he’s terrorising your kid and needs to be stopped by the police.

Well done OP.

You do not have to live with abuse and neither should your children.

He's a shit husband and a shit father and you need protecting from him.

Please write down a list of incidents so if you are nervous while speaking to Woman's aid, it will help you.

Save your sympathy for yourself and your children.

You only have one life and your children will bear the brunt of a childhood with such an awful terrorist in their home.

You all deserve better.

Stop minimizing his behaviour as depression. That is a typical ploy of abusers to attempt to avoid accountability. If you look through these threads, you will find lots of references to this pattern.

In case it's any help, I'm divorcing my XP who behaved very similarly, but not as badly as your H is doing; wouldn't get a diagnosis for mental health issues (but is now relying on it as an excuse for his behaviour), wouldn't take his meds properly, can't be bothered when DC are ill...and actually being on my own with them is a lot easier...and happier.