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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Selfish husband

72 replies

EnidAndFrog · 11/03/2022 08:27

Currently six months pregnant and have a DS aged 2. A few days ago I had to go to hospital due to lack of baby movements, I had been really poorly for a few days - DH and I both had a similar virus.

DH said he was too ill to take me to hospital or to look after DS, so his mum kindly took me. DH still hasn't asked how the hospital appointment went or if baby has moved again.

That night DS had a fever of over 40° and was pale, floppy and throwing up so had to go to hospital in an ambulance. Whilst I was running around trying to keep it together, changing DS and I as we were both covered in sick, DH lay in bed watching, didn't get up to see DS once. I then spent almost four hours in children's A&E with DS and got back home in early hours of morning. When DH woke up the next day, he just messaged me to tell me he had a headache. Didn't ask how DS was.

He's just so happened to have a week off work and has had a lie in every day. I haven't had lie in since before DS was born. When we've taken DS to park, DH has stayed in car saying it's important he gets better (but not me, apparently). There have been a few underhand comments about how it's more important for him to get better than me as he works and I don't (I gave up work to be a SAHM when DS was born). He has had a daytime nap virtually every day while I've had to carry on and do everything whilst also ill and also suffering with SPD due to pregnancy.

In all our time together, he has never cooked for me (actually he did once when DS was two days old), has certainly never got up with DS in the morning and if we are going somewhere it's up to me to pack change bag, snacks etc. Sometimes DH will do DS' bath but I will inevitably get a phone call after ten minutes asking me to take over, and it's up to me to sort a towel, clean clothes, nappy and change him and get him to sleep after.

I feel so naive but I think I'm only just starting to realise how selfish he is and in particular his lack of interest about DS going in an ambulance to hospital has really jolted me awake. I understand that as a stay at home parent the majority of parenting and housework etc will fall to me but his behaviour this last week especially had really upset me. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or harsh though, as when I've talked to my mum and my friend they both are quick to insult him but then I think they would do that as they're not impartial. Does anyone have any advice or perspective please? I'm seeing my midwife tomorrow and I'm sick of saying yes when they ask me if I'm getting plenty of support at home, but don't know whether to open a can of worms. Sorry for ranting.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnidAndFrog · 15/03/2022 07:32

Thanks everyone for your replies. His behaviour has continued to worsen and I think it's my time to leave as I'd rather go now than when I get even more pregnant. I can't deal with living on eggshells and the constant misery, being told off (yesterday he told me off in public because DS jumped in a puddle as we were heading to car to go home, and I hadn't reacted in time to stop him), the erratic driving to let me know he's in a bad mood. Last night he did DS' bath and within seconds was shouting at him and I recorded it on my phone as I went upstairs to intervene, and listening to it back made me feel sick. But I don't know who to show the recording to. He puts on such an act around others, being the playful doting Disney dad, and everyone thinks he's brilliant and I should think myself lucky. But he's so different behind closed doors. He has just had 12 days of annual leave and had a lie in every single one of them whilst I have been left with all the childcare, cooking, housework etc. I feel like he actually hates me and nothing I do is right.

Is it normal still to feel sad / guilty about leaving a bad marriage?

I also don't know how any of it will work practically, being six months pregnant and a SAHM and being on a joint tenancy with him renting privately.

OP posts:
Byeeefornow · 15/03/2022 07:36

So he doesn’t even know what happened after his child went to hospital in an ambulance? He didn’t even ask? That is shocking.

I think you are doing the right thing to consider leaving.

moirarosebabay · 15/03/2022 07:38

@Justcallmebebes

His behaviour was appalling and there would be no coming back from that for me. It's the complete lack of any concern for either you, your son or your unborn child.
This

I left a man like this. I also asked if I was being unreasonable on this forum because he had me so worn down and questioning myself. Get support where you can get it- your mum and your friends and on here you'll get lots of good advice from straight talking people. At first people like attilla were shocking to me but they were right.

moirarosebabay · 15/03/2022 07:41

Yes it is normal to feel sad and guilty. My ex had just made me watch saw and I likened it to sawing off my leg and dragging myself away from him. I was at my lowest, so vulnerable and I had to do something very scary and brave but it's so much better away from him when I can actually get all the support elsewhere that he's not providing. Tell your midwife. She'll want to support you. Daffodil

jeaux90 · 15/03/2022 07:53

Do you have family you can stay with?

Original poster
EnidAndFrog · 15/03/2022 07:58

@jeaux90

Do you have family you can stay with?
Sadly not, and my only two friends have both just given birth within last few days and even if they hadn't, they have no space for me, toddler, cat and potentially a newborn anyway :(

I still don't have a named midwife, I see a different one each time and am always very rushed at appointments as they're so busy here at the moment, so find it hard to build a rapport or be able to sit and chat with them. I also worry about the implications of social services involvement and DH being awarded custody (worked as a trainee family solicitor and unfortunately saw things like this very often in my job, so am perhaps a bit overly worried).

Feel sad as I was scrolling through some old WhatsApp messages to my mum last night and found some from last June and July where I was saying to her I need to leave urgently etc, and feel naive that I'm still hanging around.

OP posts:
NewtoHolland · 15/03/2022 08:05

What a prick!!
Are you frightened of raising your needs in this relationship? Or is that something you don't feel able to do in general? Because you matter and you having lie ins and Naps and meals cooked for you too is a fair expectation in any relationship.
Can you move in with family or friends?

Riseholme · 15/03/2022 08:15

He’s not going to change OP.
I wouldn’t worry too much about custody if he doesn’t even care about his dc being ill. He probably won’t want to look after the dc.
Tell your MW. You need support from her.
You also need to leave.

Original poster
EnidAndFrog · 15/03/2022 08:15

@NewtoHolland

What a prick!! Are you frightened of raising your needs in this relationship? Or is that something you don't feel able to do in general? Because you matter and you having lie ins and Naps and meals cooked for you too is a fair expectation in any relationship. Can you move in with family or friends?
If I bring up my needs he'll say something sarcastic like "if you think I'm such a shit husband/dad then I'll just leave". Or he'll start going on about how he works hard and will imply that his needs are more important. He works 35 hours a week in a job where he has unlimited breaks, plays on his phone all day and has flexible hours, so although I appreciate that he goes out to work, it really hurts when he implies that his needs take priority over mine, particularly while I'm heavily pregnant. If I ever defend myself it angers him and he tells me not to argue, so I feel like I've been put in my place. But yes in general I am someone who struggles to speak up (grew up with an abusive father) and this is something I am trying to change for the benefit of my children.

I have no family or friends that I could stay with unfortunately.

OP posts:
AdamRyan · 15/03/2022 08:22

I also worry about the implications of social services involvement and DH being awarded custody (worked as a trainee family solicitor and unfortunately saw things like this very often in my job, so am perhaps a bit overly worried).
There is nothing youve written that would be grounds for SS involvement. And as if he wants the kids FT (or at all). That would be far too much hard work for him. So please don't let this worry be a factor.

Can you move closer to your mum? She sounds like she will help

PerseverancePays · 15/03/2022 08:28

It doesn't sound like this relationship has any legs. You have a decent job to return to and no house ownership to untangle. Work out the practicalities and then tell him what's happening. Don't worry about his feelings as he's not giving yours a nano second.
Please don't worry about being on your own or 'breaking' up the family unit, it's hard work either way and when you are on your own you don't have the negative energy sump draining your every last drop of joy.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 15/03/2022 08:36

Take him up on his invitation to move out. As in, he leaves.

You will get help with the rent etc via benefits. I'd be opening a claim and taking advice a.s.a.p. alongside a CMS claim. In fact you can separate now if it's safe to do so. There's no point to him, so why not?

Here's the caveat though - has he ever been aggressive towards you and your DC? You say he's shouted, and he sounds like an abusive stonewalling nasty bastard. Be very careful. I can envisage him kicking off in my mind's eye.

Original poster
EnidAndFrog · 15/03/2022 09:12

@AdamRyan

I also worry about the implications of social services involvement and DH being awarded custody (worked as a trainee family solicitor and unfortunately saw things like this very often in my job, so am perhaps a bit overly worried). There is nothing youve written that would be grounds for SS involvement. And as if he wants the kids FT (or at all). That would be far too much hard work for him. So please don't let this worry be a factor.

Can you move closer to your mum? She sounds like she will help

Unfortunately my mum has no space - she lives in a tiny one bed flat with my sister at the moment pending moving, and my mum already sleeps on the sofa as it is, so no space at all.
OP posts:
Original poster
EnidAndFrog · 15/03/2022 09:13

@SpinningTheSeedsOfLove

Take him up on his invitation to move out. As in, he leaves.

You will get help with the rent etc via benefits. I'd be opening a claim and taking advice a.s.a.p. alongside a CMS claim. In fact you can separate now if it's safe to do so. There's no point to him, so why not?

Here's the caveat though - has he ever been aggressive towards you and your DC? You say he's shouted, and he sounds like an abusive stonewalling nasty bastard. Be very careful. I can envisage him kicking off in my mind's eye.

He has never been physically abusive towards me (threatened to slap me once many years ago) but will sometimes slam things around or drive erratically while we're in the car. But yes he just generally has a shouty temper.
OP posts:
Justilou1 · 15/03/2022 09:17

What the fuck did his mother say when she had to step up and drive you to the hospital?

I think you need to send him home to Mummy.

sweetbellyhigh · 15/03/2022 09:18

How would you like your life to be?

Once you are clear on what you need and want, you can start working towards it.

I doubt very much it includes staying in this relationship.

Depressed or not, it's an unhealthy dynamic for everyone. Get out now so you can get ready for the baby.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 15/03/2022 09:23

In that case, I'd tell his mother to come and collect him as you require him and his horrible temper to leave the premises.

mug2018 · 15/03/2022 09:26

I'm so sorry you are going through this, & I don't believe it will get better ❤️‍🩹
You are a strong woman who doesn't need to be treated in this way. Speak to womens aid or even your bank - they can help you as a vulnerable customer to give you the contacts and if need be some funds to get you into a place of your own where you can thrive.
You shouldn't be treated like this & definitely should not let your children be shouted at or to grow up thinking his behavior towards you is acceptable
I know it's easy for a stranger to say leave & logistically & emotionally it's very difficult but always remind yourself of your worth & your strength & you will find the courage & more support than you realize.
I did .. & I never ever regretted that leap of faith
Sending love x

Twiglets1 · 15/03/2022 09:32

Blimey, what took you so long to realise you have tied yourself to someone who is an utter waste of space. Untie yourself ASAP

springtimeishereagain · 15/03/2022 09:44

OP, I read this in absolute horror.

I would have left him for any one of those things, but his lack of care for you and his baby is just unforgivable.

What did his mum say when she had to come and drive you to hsopital? I bet she was mortified.

Tell him to leave now and go back to his mum's. See a solicitor, find out what benefits you'd be entitled to, get the ball rolling.

You know what you have to do.

He is AWFUL. Depression is no excuse for this kind of anger, callous behaviour, and complete lack of care for you. You will be a million times happier by yourself, and you deserve so so much better.

KosherDill · 15/03/2022 09:48

@Justcallmebebes

His behaviour was appalling and there would be no coming back from that for me. It's the complete lack of any concern for either you, your son or your unborn child.

Agree. His disinterest in the child is almost pathological.

This sounds horrid and unsustainable.

KosherDill · 15/03/2022 09:50

@Aquamarine1029

A stranger on the street would show you more concern and courtesy. I can't fathom why you are tolerating this shit. Get rid of him.

This sums it up well.

billy1966 · 15/03/2022 10:42

Call Women's aid.

He is highly abusive and the deliberately driving erratically is life threatening.

You have to reach out to be helped.

Even if its a refuge, it will be better than this.

Please ring them.Flowers

Walkingalot · 15/03/2022 10:51

Please start making an exit plan. You know this isn't right, the way he treats you and his total disregard with his child(ren) is appalling.

Nanny0gg · 15/03/2022 12:01

If you have no midwife yet, talk to your GP. They can probably signpost you to council services.

Plus Women's Aid.