Starting to think that his hobby just isn't compatible with family life

[Wackarina]

DH and I both have hobbies; I swim and do yoga classes, he plays golf and pool. However, he also does motorsports.

It's immensely time consuming, as not only is he doing races, but he does his own repairs inbetween times and it's money draining.

After 10 years together and 2 young children, I'm just starting to think that this hobby just isn't compatible with having a young family. The arguments we've had over late nights working on it, the weekends he's asked me to alter my work hours to accommodate it, he'll skip my birthday, he's left me unwell, tired and breastfeeding with a toddler and a baby to go and do it. And then he wants to play golf and pool with friends on top of this.

Lockdowns have meant he's not had the self entitlement to prioritise it above everything else, but it's rearing it's head again. After many years of me feeling bad for in his words, trying to deprive him of something he loves doing, I've come to the conclusion that perhaps he's right about me- maybe it should be knocked on the head.

I guess it would be easier if we were both into it and happy to spend our weekends traipsing around the country to different race tracks with young kids in tow, but it's not really for me.

At first, I felt happy for him that he could go and do his hobby again, he seems much happier doing his thing. But I can see already that it's going to start to take over. I've never really thought or admitted this before as I felt I needed to support him more in doing what he loves, but I actually don't think this hobby is at all compatible with our family life. It also causes far too many arguments, as I happily agree to him spending time to do it, but half a day becomes a whole day and evenings seep into the early hours and he's then exhausted and disinterested in our marriage or family life. Sex life becomes nil.

So this is what I think, I haven't said it to him, he'll be really annoyed. But yeh, I'm done with motorsports. So what now?

How much time per week would you say he spends with his family? Doing the mundane stuff or fun stuff.

How much time does he spend on his hobbies?

It’s not really about a particular hobby, it’s about the balance between hobbies and family life. Yes to motorsports or golf or whatever but he has to compromise on the amount of time he’s away and impact it has on you all. One weekend in four for motorsports, one for golf, then the other two for your hobbies etc or whatever work for you all?

We only have 4 possible days per month that can be used for down time. The other 4 are taken up by kids activities and we share the cleaning of the house this day which takes us around 3 hours each week as we can't afford cleaners etc. He could possibly take the afternoon on this day from around 2pm though on that day but race meetings won't exactly adhere to that time constraint.

If he were to take 2 full days and I were to take 2 days too, to make it equal, it wouldn't leave a huge amount of time for family days. Only a couple of hours on a Saturday afternoon. So our national trust membership would probably never get used, which he's set on us having each year. We also have other memberships which would again, never get used.

He sounds like he’s being incredibly selfish and I would need to have an honest conversation with my DH if he was doing this. At the moment, neither of us have any hobbies because we have a toddler who is exhausting us both.

One person's hobby can't take priority - there has to be a balance otherwise you're not a team, you're one Important Person and their support crew...

Instead of 3hrs each on a Saturday, why not both do 30mins each every day? Cleaning of a weekend seems such a waste of time.

Then he needs to decide is the motor sports something he can dip in and out of more while the children are young. My DH competed in a national league for something before we had children. When they came along he stopped doing the long distance overnight ones and started only doing the couple of events that were day trips.

Have you had a proper conversation about the kind of childhood you both want your children to have?

It's great he insists on a NT membership- he must have some sort of idea of spending family time.

Maybe ask him what a 'good childhood' looks like for your kids, in terms of time spent together as a family.
Ask him if it is important.
And then ask what he is willing to do about it.

Would you feel better if you could plan days out in the month, and if he stuck to it?

Him leaving you while unwell, and on your birthday is neglectful, and taking you for granted.
Have you told him so?

Ideally, you should both have the same amount of hobby time AND the same amount of family money to spend on your hobby. And a hobby should not take over from or be more important than family life.

You need to talk.

He could put it on hold for a few years until the kids are bigger, couldn't he? Is he selfish in other areas of your life too?

@Wackarina
I come from a motor racing family, so my perspective may well be different!
Imagine if you were told that your swimming and yoga were incompatible with your ohs opinion of what family life should be? How would you feel? Let's imagine that he said that you were in effect stealing 2 of 5 evenings that they had for your activities and not prioritising the family, then expecting to spend time after lazing in the bath, straightening and styling your hair after? And arguably, the housework could then be done in the evenings?

You're deciding that travelling to the meets and staying over is not for you. Some of our happiest days as children were spent on those weekends! Why don't you actually try meeting him halfway and give it a genuine go for a few weekends?

Perhaps the conversation regarding the other hobbies is actually what you should be having? Playing a game of pool every few months not weekly and likewise golf may have to become ad hoc or when it's not racing season. But you need to be having this conversation calmly and not imposing your views.
Why waste weekends doing housework? Can this not be negotiated in to the rest of the week, even if you both have jobs you do before and after work, surely that's a better ruse of your time then weekends.
Is the value of the children's activities greater than the value of that time for family time?

I do wonder at people (men) who have children and expect nothing to change in their lives - hobbies, socialising etc. He sounds totally selfish so you need to insist on the same amount of hobby time. This will mean no family time but it might make him think.

My DH was a keen golfer before kids, but he all but gave it up when the DC were small. At a social event I overheard someone ask him if he was playing much. He replied no not much and when asked why he said simply "It wouldn't be fair on Magdalena" and that is why we've been married 35 years.

I’m crazy impressed that between you you’re fitting in 5 hobbies, doing your own cleaning and using a NT membership

How old are the DCs? Are they early primary? Do they not have swimming lessons, brownies/cubs, sports activities yet?

I'm going to be blunt.
You can't/shouldn't have children if you don't put them first.
You can't sod off every Saturday scanning about whilst leaving your children, then expect to flavour several times as week leaving them too.
He isn't prioritising his children or you is he.
When you make the conscious decision to have children and in the Western world it is 100% a free choice you do so knowing that you have to always be there for them.
The problem here is that your oh has not adapted enough, he thinks he can carry on as he did when he was single/childfree.
I would have the conversation with him that unless he starts putting his family first then what is the point in being together.
From your point of view of you did split then you might end up with more quality time. For example if he had the children every other weekend would that mean you had more time to yourself?

I personally couldn’t tolerate this kind of intrusion on family life. It’s not fair to be cast in the role of the nagging wife, having to ask your husband to spend time with his family being a present dad. A hobby is one thing but these kind of ‘lifestyle’ hobbies like football all day every Saturday, or weekends away racing all the time - nope, not ok for me. I want (and fortunately have) a husband who has a family because he wants to prioritise them and have a family orientated lifestyle. It must be utterly miserable to feel you have to persuade your husband to participate in the family he chose to have, as opposed to dedicating all his time, energy and money to a hobby. If you want that kind of life as a grown man that’s fine but don’t have kids if you’re not prepared to put them first and commit yourself to that life.

I don’t know what the answer is but I really feel for you.

My ex was similarly selfish with a hobby that was very time consuming. He was horrified when I filed for divorce and couldn’t believe that I was ‘breaking up the family’. No, you ruined our marriage by never being around!

Unfortunately, the only solution to dealing with a hobby obsessed husband is to either divorce them or accept this will be your life. There aren’t usually any other alternatives.

Yes me too @boblemon
It's a huge juggle.
Shorter hobbies are much easier to squeeze in than huge ones that take up full weekends/full days. My hobbies are 1-2 hours max and I do them twice a week max. All of his suck up atleast 3 hours each time, not like he's just going for a run every other evening or going to a 1 hour class.

He doesn't do any of his hobbies a lot, but piled together- it's an awful lot. His motorsports hobby will consume him now until then end of the season though and there will be no compromise, no reasoning with him at all when it conflicts with family life. I have no doubt that the weekly cleaning will soon have to take a backseat too. Not willing to compromise on that.

The children have lots of hobbies... they take up week days and evenings. I have a preschoolwr at home with me on my non-work days which means dance classes and swimming lessons. Eldest does dance, swimming and gymnastics on a weekend and weekday evenings.

Instead of telling him what will or won't work, what he can or can't do, ask him to help you plan better.

Get a monthly calendar, mark in different colours all the things that need to be done, all the areas of competition. Ask him how to juggle things so it works.

Not in a 'gotcha' way, but in a puzzling, How can we fix this, way.
Hmm, when will we go to the national trust? Hmm, have we fitted my yoga in yet?

@picklemewalnuts

Instead of telling him what will or won't work, what he can or can't do, ask him to help you plan better.

Get a monthly calendar, mark in different colours all the things that need to be done, all the areas of competition. Ask him how to juggle things so it works.

Not in a 'gotcha' way, but in a puzzling, How can we fix this, way.
Hmm, when will we go to the national trust? Hmm, have we fitted my yoga in yet?

Tried this @picklemewalnuts He either won't engage with it as happened before, or worse, will half heartedly join in and then completely disregard the calender and do what he wants to anyway. Also happened before.

Just putting it out there - your kids can have hobbies that take up weekend time but your husband can’t?! Doesn’t seem very fair to me! You sound a bit controlling tbh

@Gardeningcreature

I'm going to be blunt. You can't/shouldn't have children if you don't put them first. You can't sod off every Saturday scanning about whilst leaving your children, then expect to flavour several times as week leaving them too. He isn't prioritising his children or you is he. When you make the conscious decision to have children and in the Western world it is 100% a free choice you do so knowing that you have to always be there for them. The problem here is that your oh has not adapted enough, he thinks he can carry on as he did when he was single/childfree. I would have the conversation with him that unless he starts putting his family first then what is the point in being together. From your point of view of you did split then you might end up with more quality time. For example if he had the children every other weekend would that mean you had more time to yourself?

So if you’re a parent you can’t have hobbies?!!!

What motorsport is this?

Also you mention 3 hours but don’t say how many times a week?

So you have 3 hours a week to do your hobby. Its completely fair that he should get 3 hours a week to do his.
It's a simple rule that in your responses you haven't addressed - 'equal down time'

My DH pretty well gave up trials etc while the DC were growing up, but kept his cars. He got back into it when they left home, and is very active still. Most of his friends are equally obsessed, it can be good fun socially but I draw the line at standing in a muddy field! He would not have wanted to neglect his family, but sadly I have seen plenty who do. It sounds like the golf and pool on top are the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back.

So his hobby is impacting your

• health
• work
• childcare
• sex life
• domestic load
• family life in general

Sounds utterly selfish to me, how dare he dump all that on you for a hobby. Imagine if you did that to him. No sex or help with the children or house this year honey, I'm learning to sail!
Motorsport needs to go until the children are older.

How about agreeing that you each get one evening a week and one weekend day a month for hobbies. Then you can each prioritise what you want to do in that time.

There has to be compromise with children, especially with their extra curricular activities too.

(Dh gave up cricket as in his words "I hardly see the kids during the season.")

Agreed. He definitely deserves atleast 3 hours a week to do his hobbies... this isn't the issue though is it? 🤔