Starting to think that his hobby just isn't compatible with family life

[Wackarina]

DH and I both have hobbies; I swim and do yoga classes, he plays golf and pool. However, he also does motorsports.

It's immensely time consuming, as not only is he doing races, but he does his own repairs inbetween times and it's money draining.

After 10 years together and 2 young children, I'm just starting to think that this hobby just isn't compatible with having a young family. The arguments we've had over late nights working on it, the weekends he's asked me to alter my work hours to accommodate it, he'll skip my birthday, he's left me unwell, tired and breastfeeding with a toddler and a baby to go and do it. And then he wants to play golf and pool with friends on top of this.

Lockdowns have meant he's not had the self entitlement to prioritise it above everything else, but it's rearing it's head again. After many years of me feeling bad for in his words, trying to deprive him of something he loves doing, I've come to the conclusion that perhaps he's right about me- maybe it should be knocked on the head.

I guess it would be easier if we were both into it and happy to spend our weekends traipsing around the country to different race tracks with young kids in tow, but it's not really for me.

At first, I felt happy for him that he could go and do his hobby again, he seems much happier doing his thing. But I can see already that it's going to start to take over. I've never really thought or admitted this before as I felt I needed to support him more in doing what he loves, but I actually don't think this hobby is at all compatible with our family life. It also causes far too many arguments, as I happily agree to him spending time to do it, but half a day becomes a whole day and evenings seep into the early hours and he's then exhausted and disinterested in our marriage or family life. Sex life becomes nil.

So this is what I think, I haven't said it to him, he'll be really annoyed. But yeh, I'm done with motorsports. So what now?

I’d be asking him what kind of contact he’d like with the children after the divorce, and add you won’t be able to pretend to your family and friends you’re an active dad when they know you’re only willing to have them an hour a week between being off living your best life.

Some hobbies become like a full-time job, so they take over everything else. My dad always had lots of hobbies outside interests. Mum was just sitting at home waiting for him to come back.
One of my interests became a business, however, we drew the line at international travel, now were divorced I Iook back wistfully as I gave it all up for baby number 2 and her career.
I regret giving it up now, it's the only time I ever enjoyed working, I hate my normal line of income however I'm stuck with it.

So it's very difficult, to prioritize family or his hobby?
He needs to find a happy medium.

It's the contempt that he's showing not the hobby itself. Being married is about being a team, having a shared outlook, making decisions together, having each other's backs. If he's not bothering then what's the point, divorcing would be better since you wouldn't have the stress of a manchild in your life.

Are your dc of an age where dh can introduce them to his hobby and get them involved?

My dp competes in a sport, it takes up most of his weekends, and nearly all his annual leave (International competitions). My dp has used his sport as a way to bond with my dc, and has taken time to teach me and dc so that on some occasions we can join him for days he is practicing rather than competing.

The central issue seems to be that you (singular) believe you've both agreed a plan and then he ignores it. Because you will pick up the pieces. Because you don't have the option not to, as someone has to, looking after kids is not optional.

What the hobby is is in itself irrelevant. I am mostly the kind of wife who likes a partner who is away a lot, but this is crazy levels of absence.

It’s tough when someone gets into a hobby / past time that is all consuming, my ExW got into a hobby that took her away a lot, we would have holidays that fitted around her hobby, it’s tricky to live with

@EarthSight

There should be a thread for this type of situation alone. It's that common - gaming, cycling and golf are the most common.

This is a common dynamic where one partner, usually the wife, spends years being flexible and feeling like they don't want to make demands on the other partner and expect them to give up their precious hobby time. They don't want their partner to feel trapped or controlled. They would feel guilty if they did.They want their partner to want to spend time with them, and not do it begrudgingly whilst resenting the fact they've been pulled away from their hobby.

Then one day they realise how utterly self-absorbed and selfish their partner has been all those years. How they've prioritised themselves and what they want again and again.

His hobbies aren't really the problem, are they? It's his attitude and lack of interest in spending time with you and the children that's the problem.

no compromise, no reasoning with him at all when it conflicts with family life

With people like this, they often don't view relationships like you might. Some people view relayionships like a partnership of give and take, or one where two people take pleasure in giving to each other. However, many selfish people, they view relationships more like a battle, where one stands at the opposite side of the room from the other opponent and you must wrestle to get as much out of the other person as possible. Both people are in the same space, but separate, each doing their own thing, taking as mich as they can and protecting mainly their own interests.

The reason why he does this is because he can. It's clear what his top priority is and it's not you or his children. He's completely taken the piss and knows he has an on-hand babysitter and housekeeper to enable his life.

This is so true. Not wanting to nag and expecting their partner to want to be with them is normal but this is abused by the self centred and so often destroys the relationship. It is so frustrating and saddening that just a bit of give and take and respect for each other would have a big impact on divorce rates.

Some hobbies are just not compatible with family life, motorsport unless it's an earner or the other is not on board with it, is one of those hobbies. I have a friend who was into motorsport and he had the same choices presented to him by his wife.
He does wonder what-if though if he gives up his passion and his marriage still fails he'll be gutted.

I would never advise anyone to give up a passion for a relationship it's just not worth it.
Kids on the other hand, really have to be put first.

@picklemewalnuts

Instead of telling him what will or won't work, what he can or can't do, ask him to help you plan better.

Get a monthly calendar, mark in different colours all the things that need to be done, all the areas of competition. Ask him how to juggle things so it works.

Not in a 'gotcha' way, but in a puzzling, How can we fix this, way.
Hmm, when will we go to the national trust? Hmm, have we fitted my yoga in yet?

Oh brilliant! I am sure all her problem will now be solved.

Sounds like he's opted out of family life. He doesn't really give you or the kids any consideration, as long as he's happy. I'd rather struggle being a single parent then put up with that.
Why not keep a tally of his time spent away from the family for a month and then you'd have something concrete to show him. This might seem petty but in trying to get your point across it's invaluable. It's the difference between saying 'you're hardly ever here' or 'you spent all w/e doing xxx'. He'll probably be furious but that's only because he's been nailed and knows he's in the wrong. There must surely be a compromise if he wants the marriage to work.

XDH was sport obsessed. Squash, golf, watching footie. But also he wasn't that interested in family life and was an utterly self centered person. Although he thought he wanted children and a family he didn’t understand or want what that actually meant in hard work and he was totally useless with the kids, still is 20 years on.

Motorsports are more important to your DH than you or the kids. Can you live with that?

@Fuckitsstillraining

I can relate, my dh competes in Motorsport too. Not sure which discipline yours does but mine is gone for between three and five days each event and there is usually an event twice a month Feb to Oct, we have no young children but it still takes a toll, I've zero interest in Motorsport so never attend and now he's used to me being home while he's away so it never occurs to him that I might have plans that means he should organise dog sitter/mil checker!! Also he's not been working for a while (covid meant his business shut after years of struggle), he's been studying and getting requalified but now I'm getting pissed off with our money being spent on his hobby while I'm the only one with an income, I also bought myself a beautiful new car, really splashed out after years of scrimping and he keeps borrowing it on the weekends of events using excuses/reasons why he should when in reality its because it looks better than his jeep, I know we're fortunate that because he's really good at his sport his accommodation/food is paid for but there are still lots of expenses. I really feel for you coping with your dh while you've a young family, I've seen marriages split, businesses ruined through money being spent on cars and other sad stories as a result of obsessive behaviour in similar circumstances. I've no advise but hope things get better for you.

It's your car! Say NO! You presumably go out and you have the right to go out in the car you paid for.

He wants to travel away he can do it in the 'comfort' of his jeep

I actually lost a friend from having this conversation with her- a few years ago. we were chatting and she told me she'd gotten her own horse. We used to work at a stables together and I was all excited for her. She said she was loving it but it was causing a rift between her and her dh as when she finished work at 4.30 she'd go to the stables and sometimes stay until 7. I asked could the kids not go and she said it was her time. I must have answered'oh' wrong because she changed the subject and things cooled off between us, very few texts or contact. Then I saw on fb she was running the marathon and I texted her to say congratulations and she texted back to say it was hard finding time to run with the kids, work and horses. I said well I'm sure you'll be great and then I got a random text about how we need to be independent from our kids, they don't have to come everywhere with us. I said it's hard to balance things alright and she said if only I could afford to not work like you. I started a long text about how withvhildcare I couldn't afford to work and we were trying to figure out and in the meantime I was writing but deleted it.

@BeingATwatItsABingThing

He sounds like he’s being incredibly selfish and I would need to have an honest conversation with my DH if he was doing this. At the moment, neither of us have any hobbies because we have a toddler who is exhausting us both.

If you replace toddler with baby... this.

I also activity quizzed my husband on this when we met as it is so common.

I was really clear if he ever stared on this path is divorce him. And I mean it. I will also always stay in fT employment for this reason. To have the ability to leave easily.
It's not personal to him he is mostly great I just watched a lot of women getting mugged off and/ or shat on daily by their awful husbands and vowed I wouldn't be one.

I am a big believer that actions have consequences.

I think motorsport can be a good thing if the whole family are into it, maybe he assumed you would all join in, go to races and eventually the kids would have a interest in it? But sadly that doesn’t always happen, sounds like your dc have activities that they enjoy and you have hobbies you enjoy but not much that you all do together, that may change as the dc get older? It’s good to all have different hobbies but when one activity takes over it can make it hard for the rest of you to do the things you enjoy and to have family time together.

Maybe there is some kind of compromise? Maybe he can make more time for ‘family time’ but maybe you can also go to some motorsport events?

I can't get my head round a couple of things.

Only 4 down days per month. One day per week, eg Sunday?

3 hours of cleaning. Each. I don't do 3 a week!

You need to give more info. What activities do kids do and when.
What activities do you do and when?
What does he do and when?
When is he doing the golf and pool, alongside the motorsports? 3 hobbies does sound like too much.

Jesus, golf is a time consuming hobby. My friend's partner is a sports bore. Would much rather be with the lads playing golf. He fits her in around his other commitments. I really don't know how she puts up with him.

I couldn't be doing with this nor him agreeing to stuff then doing whatever he wants anyway.

A serious conversation about splitting up? It might help to focus his mind?

There seem to be one shit load of activities, plus paying for NT memberships.
You must spend your life running around for drop offs
Somethings got to give, & to start you ditch some activities & you pay a cleaner.
Your H needs a reality check, yes it would be lovely to be able to have it all, (but not at your expense) . So he has to participate or if not he will lose his family, its that simple