Starting to think that his hobby just isn't compatible with family life

[Wackarina]

DH and I both have hobbies; I swim and do yoga classes, he plays golf and pool. However, he also does motorsports.

It's immensely time consuming, as not only is he doing races, but he does his own repairs inbetween times and it's money draining.

After 10 years together and 2 young children, I'm just starting to think that this hobby just isn't compatible with having a young family. The arguments we've had over late nights working on it, the weekends he's asked me to alter my work hours to accommodate it, he'll skip my birthday, he's left me unwell, tired and breastfeeding with a toddler and a baby to go and do it. And then he wants to play golf and pool with friends on top of this.

Lockdowns have meant he's not had the self entitlement to prioritise it above everything else, but it's rearing it's head again. After many years of me feeling bad for in his words, trying to deprive him of something he loves doing, I've come to the conclusion that perhaps he's right about me- maybe it should be knocked on the head.

I guess it would be easier if we were both into it and happy to spend our weekends traipsing around the country to different race tracks with young kids in tow, but it's not really for me.

At first, I felt happy for him that he could go and do his hobby again, he seems much happier doing his thing. But I can see already that it's going to start to take over. I've never really thought or admitted this before as I felt I needed to support him more in doing what he loves, but I actually don't think this hobby is at all compatible with our family life. It also causes far too many arguments, as I happily agree to him spending time to do it, but half a day becomes a whole day and evenings seep into the early hours and he's then exhausted and disinterested in our marriage or family life. Sex life becomes nil.

So this is what I think, I haven't said it to him, he'll be really annoyed. But yeh, I'm done with motorsports. So what now?

I think both of you need to have a bit of a think here. You’re doing hobbies that take up the evenings. He’s doing hobbies that take up the weekends. Neither sound great for family time.

My eldest does clubs/sports on a Monday, Tuesday, Friday and Saturday morning. The youngest is a toddler and has groups 3 times a week during the working day so my mum takes her. Around these, there is a small amount of time for family time when we account for homework, cleaning, etc. My DH and I would rather have the time as family time than off doing our own hobbies for several hours a week whilst our children are still young.

That’s both of us though! I’m not spending several hours doing yoga and then begrudging my DH spending several hours doing what he wants. I get two hours a month for my nail appointment. DH doesn’t have a set thing like that but he occasionally goes on camps with his scout leader role. It works out equally and doesn’t have a massive impact on time spent together.

@Wackarina

Agreed. He definitely deserves atleast 3 hours a week to do his hobbies... this isn't the issue though is it? 🤔

No idea op. We're not mind readers. You still haven't actually quantified how often and for how long he wants to do his hobbies.

I imagine youre bored of him and I wouldnt blame you.

He's married yet acting like a single man with all the time in the world to go off here and there enjoying his hobbies.

I guess he comes home to eat shit sleep get his clean clothes and thats it. Time for family life and interacting with his partner and children is not his priority.

IME men like this dont change - theyre selfish entitled and insular, and women waste all their good years arguing about all that. Going around in circles.

Even if he did stop motorsports he'd resent you for it and that would kill your relationship anyway.

You can confront him, say your stance and ask for a healthy discussion about the situation. Be prepared that its likely he wont listen however.

So then you have a life decision to make. Years of all this, or not?

We tried this also @Aroundtheworldin80moves
He agrees as it sounds reasonable to him in theory but when it then impacts on what he wants to do, he just fucks off everything we've agreed on.

No need to be a mind reader... just read the OP properly @arethereanyleftatall

My DH was heavily involved (as were all of his family) in an amateur sport when I met him. He drastically cut back ( after me having several conversations about it with him) when our kids were young and he just did the bits that were really important to him. It wasn’t family friendly so we couldn’t go along as well. Now the kids are grown up he can go as often as he likes, and I also have the time to be involved with things that I am interested in.

@Wackarina

We tried this also *@Aroundtheworldin80moves* He agrees as it sounds reasonable to him in theory but when it then impacts on what he wants to do, he just fucks off everything we've agreed on.

This is the crux of the issue. Your husband is treating you with disrespect bordering on contempt. What’s the point of a marriage where you can’t discuss, compromise and come to an agreement because one partner proceeds to ignore it all as suits them?

Yes^^

It's not about the time spent on hobbies.
It's about him acting like a one man band, waltzing off regardless of previous agreements.

That's the issue, not who does what when.

I was involved in amateur motor racing when I was younger, before marriage and kids. I always thought the wives of the guys who showed up every weekend, for the full meet, were absolute saints. Weekend after weekend they got left at home with the kids, and the drudge work, birthdays, anniversaries, special occasions all missed.

Not sure which branch of the motor racing world your DH is in, but mine was frequently a weekend long meet, arrive thursday or friday, and leave on sunday evening. Even the one day events were full on 8am to 8pm events. And then there would be the maintenance and repairs of the cars/bikes in between. And to be honest a lot of the time it wasn't really geared up for kids to be there. It could be dull as hell during the day, and if it was a weekend thing, it would mean camping and inevitably a lot of drinking going on.

I get what you're saying, I wouldn't have a hobby like that now with kids, although I might take them to a few events when they're a bit older. I wouldn't be participating or competing though. Your DH doesn't seem to have adjusted his priorities much since having kids, but I suppose what you have to ask yourself is whether he's ever going to?

At different stages I had to give up motorbikes. If I damaged an engine and had to rebuild it before the next weekend, nothing else mattered. Therefore it had to stop and it did.
We tried sailing, we could have been quite successful at club level and open meetings, but DW was not prepared to put the time in for practicing. There is just no fun in just flopping around with eased sails.

I did get much satisfaction though from Instructing, I got myself qualified. That was much more manageable in terms of family life.

We both managed to get improved jobs as well.
We wanted our children to do well and be happy so both of us worked at it.
Some hobbies need time for practice and that takes up the time not just the competitions.

Can there be some sort of compromise OP? Can you go to one of the (I'm assuming it's motorcross) days and have a picnic ect with the dc once a month and he sorts a compromise too?

One thing I had to drill into my Dh’s head is that he can not expect me to be the default parent. He can’t make plans and assume I will cover domestic life. He can’t spend the evening working on a personal project and assume I will take care of everything else. I am happy to do these things, but he has to ask and I will reciprocate if there is something I want to do.

I wonder if that is part of your problem. He just assumes you will keep everything running while he pops into his workshop. In reality, he needs to make sure to help with bath time and dinner and prioritize getting enough sleep so that he can be an active engaged parent. He has to fit in his repair time around that because that is what parents do or he asks you to cover him for an evening and plans to cover you in exchange, even if all you do with your night off is read a book or watch tv.

It sounds like he won't compromise, and it sounds like its a deal breaker for you OP. You've reached the end of your tether with it so to speak.

So thats how you need to put it to him.
He either compromises, fits it in realistically around family life, or you split up.

Yes its essentially an ultimatum, but if he has disregarded everything you've tried previously its what you'll have to resort to unfortunately.

See which one he chooses.

if he finds it hard to choose. Or starts having a tantrum because you are being unreasonable, not fair, stopping him doing what makes him happy etc etc, I think you have your answer anyway.

Just calmly point out, he can do his motorsport. But he has to fit it around family life, not the other way around.

Rinse and repeat.

I think he is putting himself and his hobby above all else! I feel that whatever you say to him he will feel its "not enough" as above PP says ,an ultimatum is the way forward .Say you dont want to split up ,but you cant carry on like this .I expect its the thrill making him feel young again! Its not fair on you or DC!

[quote ChoiceMummy]@Wackarina
I come from a motor racing family, so my perspective may well be different!
Imagine if you were told that your swimming and yoga were incompatible with your ohs opinion of what family life should be? How would you feel? Let's imagine that he said that you were in effect stealing 2 of 5 evenings that they had for your activities and not prioritising the family, then expecting to spend time after lazing in the bath, straightening and styling your hair after? And arguably, the housework could then be done in the evenings?

You're deciding that travelling to the meets and staying over is not for you. Some of our happiest days as children were spent on those weekends! Why don't you actually try meeting him halfway and give it a genuine go for a few weekends?

Perhaps the conversation regarding the other hobbies is actually what you should be having? Playing a game of pool every few months not weekly and likewise golf may have to become ad hoc or when it's not racing season. But you need to be having this conversation calmly and not imposing your views.
Why waste weekends doing housework? Can this not be negotiated in to the rest of the week, even if you both have jobs you do before and after work, surely that's a better ruse of your time then weekends.
Is the value of the children's activities greater than the value of that time for family time?[/quote]
Totally this!

I actually agree @picklemewalnuts and @MrsMcNally

My 1st husband very much saw himself as an individual, free to do whatever interest he felt like as and when — he saw me and the boys as a separate unit entirely and my job to take care and any interests I had to fit round them - I suspect yours is much the same

Motorsports is both time consuming and costly. My exdh did this and during the racing season he'd either spend the entire weekend, inc Fridays at the track or fixing his bike in the workshop. I remember having a newborn, my mum came to stay for 2 weeks to help and she was disgusted as he spent most of the time in the workshop. He'd also spent at least £500 a weekend (for 9 weekends a year) plus £300 on test days (about 9 a year) and then close to £6000 on a weeks racing abroad. I was the higher earner, but had to go without things so he could afford to race

Funny thing was, he used to get the hump when I didn't want to go and watch him. My dc now hate the particular sport as they spent so much time being made to watch it.

It was one of the reasons we got divorced

There should be a thread for this type of situation alone. It's that common - gaming, cycling and golf are the most common.

This is a common dynamic where one partner, usually the wife, spends years being flexible and feeling like they don't want to make demands on the other partner and expect them to give up their precious hobby time. They don't want their partner to feel trapped or controlled. They would feel guilty if they did.They want their partner to want to spend time with them, and not do it begrudgingly whilst resenting the fact they've been pulled away from their hobby.

Then one day they realise how utterly self-absorbed and selfish their partner has been all those years. How they've prioritised themselves and what they want again and again.

His hobbies aren't really the problem, are they? It's his attitude and lack of interest in spending time with you and the children that's the problem.

no compromise, no reasoning with him at all when it conflicts with family life

With people like this, they often don't view relationships like you might. Some people view relayionships like a partnership of give and take, or one where two people take pleasure in giving to each other. However, many selfish people, they view relationships more like a battle, where one stands at the opposite side of the room from the other opponent and you must wrestle to get as much out of the other person as possible. Both people are in the same space, but separate, each doing their own thing, taking as mich as they can and protecting mainly their own interests.

The reason why he does this is because he can. It's clear what his top priority is and it's not you or his children. He's completely taken the piss and knows he has an on-hand babysitter and housekeeper to enable his life.

@Crikeyalmighty

My 1st husband very much saw himself as an individual, free to do whatever interest he felt like as and when — he saw me and the boys as a separate unit entirely and my job to take care and any interests I had to fit round them - I suspect yours is much the same

@Crikeyalmighty

I think many men are quietly chauvinistic with regards to women. They won't come out and say 'Your job and desire in life should be to look after children, feed me, provide me with sex and do all the housekeeping drudgery'........but many of them will show it in their actions and the way they practically and emotionally neglect their wives, especially once she's given birth to his children.

Many times, these threads are a middle class, more sophisticated version of 'ME MAN! YOU WOMAN! WOMAN SERVE MAN!'

God I don't know how you have put up with it for this long. What a selfish person he is.

I can relate, my dh competes in Motorsport too. Not sure which discipline yours does but mine is gone for between three and five days each event and there is usually an event twice a month Feb to Oct, we have no young children but it still takes a toll, I've zero interest in Motorsport so never attend and now he's used to me being home while he's away so it never occurs to him that I might have plans that means he should organise dog sitter/mil checker!! Also he's not been working for a while (covid meant his business shut after years of struggle), he's been studying and getting requalified but now I'm getting pissed off with our money being spent on his hobby while I'm the only one with an income, I also bought myself a beautiful new car, really splashed out after years of scrimping and he keeps borrowing it on the weekends of events using excuses/reasons why he should when in reality its because it looks better than his jeep, I know we're fortunate that because he's really good at his sport his accommodation/food is paid for but there are still lots of expenses. I really feel for you coping with your dh while you've a young family, I've seen marriages split, businesses ruined through money being spent on cars and other sad stories as a result of obsessive behaviour in similar circumstances. I've no advise but hope things get better for you.

@ChoiceMummy
It's not relevant that it's motorsports, it could be polo or metal detecting, the point is it's taking up far more time and money than the average hobby.

OP - it's not unusual to have to ditch some hobby when your kids are young (see cricket eg above), but that's not your issue to solve.

Work out what time you have as a family that isn't taken up by work and chores, and work out how you spend it (kids activities, family trips, family down time, your hobby time, his hobby time).

Similarly work out how money is being spent, it should be roughly equal on your hobbies and priorities (eg your interest in posh food or interior decor might offset the motorsports).

Lay it all out and present it to him via calendar and spending breakdown, so it's very clear where you are all spending your time and money. Think about what you think the solutions might be - from dumping the national trust, to dumping the gymnastics your daughter doesn't really like, to him doing less in the season to him giving up for 3 years.

During this conversation be clear that it's not working for you. He's not going to cave immediately, but you need to chip off things that he will feel - eg national trust time.

If not enough has changed then keep chipping away at it, being clear it's not working for you. You don't have to become the world's grumpiest partner, but you can express your feelings. It sounds to me like you facilitate him a bit so you will have to get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable.

Eventually you will work out a compromise that works for you both - or you will have to consider if you want the rest of your life to be dominated by this - the expression golf/racing widow doesn't exist for nothing.

@2DogsOnMySofa

Motorsports is both time consuming and costly. My exdh did this and during the racing season he'd either spend the entire weekend, inc Fridays at the track or fixing his bike in the workshop. I remember having a newborn, my mum came to stay for 2 weeks to help and she was disgusted as he spent most of the time in the workshop. He'd also spent at least £500 a weekend (for 9 weekends a year) plus £300 on test days (about 9 a year) and then close to £6000 on a weeks racing abroad. I was the higher earner, but had to go without things so he could afford to race

Funny thing was, he used to get the hump when I didn't want to go and watch him. My dc now hate the particular sport as they spent so much time being made to watch it.

It was one of the reasons we got divorced

13k a year??!! Fuck that! I'm gobsmacked.

Nobody is saying adults can't have hobbies but come on, if you want to carry on like a carefree childless person then stay carefree and childless!!!!
No excuses at all. Stop having kids if you won't put them first it's not bloody hard.
The op's dh is selfish.