How soon is too soon? Could you do this? I don't think I could.

[ImJustMadAboutSaffron]

Before anyone replies, this is not being judgemental or bitchy or any other negative adjective.

I was at my book group today and one member started talking about her relatives. Her cousin was widowed when his wife died in childbirth along with the baby, around 4 years ago. Six months later he is in a new relationship, they have recently married and had a baby together two years ago, giving the baby the middle name of the first child who died. The new wife looks very much like the first one too (our book club member showed us on Facebook).

I know I could not get involved so quickly with a widower let alone have a child and get married this fast. I'd feel I was lined up as a substitute, I would feel 'second fiddle' and think it too fast. He posts a lot of pictures on his Facebook about the fundraising he did and still does for the hospital, but he also seems to post pictures regularly of his first wife and baby saying how much he loves them (which of course he did, can't argue with that).

What do you think? Could you cope? How special a person do you have to be to feel secure with that, and not worry that your partner is with you as a bandaid?

You are judging. HTH

Each to their own. Not your business. I hope they are happy.

He has been through enough, this post says alot more about you than him.

I know tangentially of someone who did this - pregnant wife died suddenly and baby too premature to survive. He was in a new relationship very quickly. He described it as being in love with two people and his new partner as a once-in-a-lifetime person.

I can’t possibly, possibly fathom how he feels, or how his new partner feels. (They also have children now). There but for the grace of god go I.

It’s just not something you could speculate being on any side of. Be thankful for that yourself, and be thankful two more people have found love and happiness despite the odds.

I know someone who ended up in another relationship within six months of their spouse that they'd been with for 20 years passing away. Moved in together within a year.

I judge because there is a huge backstory to it all about the relationship before they died and how they behaved after their spouse died. Its more because of that I judge than the new relationship.

@Moonface123

He has been through enough, this post says alot more about you than him.

For Christ's sake I knew some righteous comments would pop up. I was asking if others could put themselves in that position, not judging the guy. But this is Mumsnet of course ...

I lost my wife 15 months ago and I'm devastated - and certainly can't imagine myself ever loving anyone else again.

But I wouldn't dream of judging a person who did. I'd be delighted for them. We all handle grief differently and we all handle relationships differently too. If someone is bereaved and finds a new partner quickly, it doesn't mean they didn't love their original one. Just that they've been lucky enough to find someone to love.

Be happy for them

It's entirely his affair and for what it's worth, I think it is nice that the new child is named after the one who died.

In time the man will have processed his loss and you will hear less of it. However as long as he and his current wife are happy, it's nobody else's business.

I'd certainly find it weird. The last thing I'd look for is a new relationship so soon.

No one can speculate about what they would or wouldn't do because you have no idea until you're actually in that position. Everyone's different.

I struggle to understand how the new wife feels. I couldn't enter into a relationship with a recently tragically widowed man. It would give me too much doubt and insecurities.

Of course you’re judgemental 🙄
Because the gossipy titbits about the middle name and physical similarity are completely neutral, right?

People aren’t judging him because he’s on his own.

The comments would be vastly different if the baby had survived or if he’d had existing children.

People move on quickly which actually isn’t unusual. But I find the naming of the baby after the first one who died weird, and it isn’t something I would want to do.

@Cocomarine

Of course you’re judgemental 🙄 Because the gossipy titbits about the middle name and physical similarity are completely neutral, right?

I'll ask the book group member about that as she's the one who gossiped remarked on it.

But it’s you who is gossiping about it here 🤷🏻‍♀️

Men who have been in a happy, fulfilling marriage often remarry relatively soon after they have been widowed. Women in the same circumstances generally don't. Really don't think it's apt for you to be speculating about the lives of people you have never met. And in my family the cousin would be known as a gossipy twit

The man lost his wife and child suddenly in traffic circumstances - the poor man is is entitled to some happiness. He likely values life and treasures his new wife. Leave them be.

I'm in a debilitating state of anticipatory grief for my terminally ill spouse. Already I am wondering where on earth all the love I feel is going to go once my beloved is no longer with me.

Because of this I feel huge sympathy for people who find the strength to go bravely forth alone out into the scary world and love again after such a devastating loss.

The human capacity for love does not stop when your beloved dies. Rather the opposite, as life is for the living and the ability to love does not mean you loved your partner any less; it is more that you know how to love, you actively loved and were loved, and you most likely will, if you are lucky, love and be loved again.

There is no timescale for that if you keep an open and loving heart.

what's wrong with being judgemental, everyone is about all sorts. All the 🤷🏻‍♀️🙄 and I'm waiting for the emoji. She is a substitution. It makes his love for his wife seem fickle. I'd be judge and jury on that one. I wouldn't want that man. Speculate and judge OP and feel free from the judgement you are receiving for asking a perfectly normal question.

Six months is bloody fast. I know I was nowhere near ready for an actual relationship then, I'd barely come out of shock. I was, however, almost ready to dive into a gonzo sex life unlike anything I'd ever done before. I didn't exactly shout about that to my late dh's family.

Shit happens. Life is short. One of the very few silver linings of grief is that you can become incredibly open, like the lid has been ripped off. I suddenly started listening to new music again and having crazy intense crushes like a teenager. I had deep small-hours conversations with new and old friends. I hugged more, felt more, cried and laughed more.

I don't think anyone is unusual in feeling shock at such a fast new relationship. But it happens, a lot. You can grieve and still live.

I couldn’t do it personally
But I know of two men who did the same when their partners died . One within weeks the other , months.

Grief has no time limit or rules.

@twilightcustard

what's wrong with being judgemental, everyone is about all sorts. All the 🤷🏻‍♀️🙄 and I'm waiting for the emoji. She is a substitution. It makes his love for his wife seem fickle. I'd be judge and jury on that one. I wouldn't want that man. Speculate and judge OP and feel free from the judgement you are receiving for asking a perfectly normal question.

I don’t disagree with being judgemental. Just think the OP should own it, as you are happy to - and not start the post with claptrap about not being judgemental

Everyone is different. You can't extrapolate your own experience or feeling to someone else. I know someone who's wife died in childbirth, they were left with the baby and other young children and did marry again not too long later. They had children themselves and everyone lived happily. It was never the case that the first wife/mother was ever forgotten. People have one life to live, and if they can be happy who are you to judge.