How soon is too soon? Could you do this? I don't think I could.

[ImJustMadAboutSaffron]

Before anyone replies, this is not being judgemental or bitchy or any other negative adjective.

I was at my book group today and one member started talking about her relatives. Her cousin was widowed when his wife died in childbirth along with the baby, around 4 years ago. Six months later he is in a new relationship, they have recently married and had a baby together two years ago, giving the baby the middle name of the first child who died. The new wife looks very much like the first one too (our book club member showed us on Facebook).

I know I could not get involved so quickly with a widower let alone have a child and get married this fast. I'd feel I was lined up as a substitute, I would feel 'second fiddle' and think it too fast. He posts a lot of pictures on his Facebook about the fundraising he did and still does for the hospital, but he also seems to post pictures regularly of his first wife and baby saying how much he loves them (which of course he did, can't argue with that).

What do you think? Could you cope? How special a person do you have to be to feel secure with that, and not worry that your partner is with you as a bandaid?

I wouldn't, and I don't think you're being judgemental.
Someone I know died tragically young in an accident. 2 young kids. At her funeral her husband in his eulogy said they had spoken about if either of them died young... and she'd asked him to promise he wouldn't remarry within a year. In his eulogy he said, For her family, I uphold that promise.
Six months later... 2nd wife. Just gross. Men do have a pattern of that.
(There was gossip that W2 was an AP all along, even before W1's death).

Life is short and can change very quickly. He knows this and is grabbing love and some happiness where he has found it. Can't judge it personally.

@MzHz It reads that the OP is not judging the man. It reads " Could you cope? How special a person do you have to be to feel secure with that, and not worry that your partner is with you as a bandaid?"

I have read the OP twice. I don't see any judgement of the man. I do see judgement in you, though. And unpleasantness at that.

I wouldn't even get involved with a man who was only 6 months out of a relationship, let alone his wife dying.

You say you're not judging but you're actively gossiping about the woman dying her hair. Someone devastated by one of the worst possible bereavements has found happiness with another woman who is understanding enough of his situation to give their child as a middle name the name of the child who died. And you're talking about her dying her hair. So, so unnecessary.

How is this your business to put on a PUBLIC forum hahaha gosh OP

@Cas112

How is this your business to put on a PUBLIC forum hahaha gosh OP

What is there to hahaha gosh about this sad story?

@Rosebuud

Well it did work, it’s four years on and they have recently married.

Leave them be op. You don’t need to start threads to judge them.

Exactly. I met (and am still with) a widower whose late wife had died less than a year before we met. I don't feel second best or anything.

Maybe you should mind your own business? There's so much bloody misery in the world just let people be happy!

I too have heard that men who are happily married are more likely to commit to someone new sooner after being widowed. They see marriage / relationships in a positive light.

I can think of three men I've known (a work collegaue, a friend's dad and an uncle) who quickly remarried after losing their wives, two of them tragically young. All three were devoted to their first wives and utterly commited to them in life. All three went on to have very succesful (as far as I'm aware) second marriages, to women who were not 'second best' on any way shape or form.

So knowing that, it isn't necessarily a bad idea to get together with someone who has been widosed relatively recently. But of course you have to take care to be sensitive to the fact, and mindful that their emotions might be all over the place, and you have to be confident enough not to compare yourself with the deceased wife.

So extra care taken, definitely (the same as if someone has recently separated).

Some men really do see women as interchangeable.

People are interchangeable though, in this way. If you don't have a partner anymore, that does leave space in your life and your heart for a new partner. I don't think men or women should have to prove how sad they are by remaining single for x period of time.

I read that statistics show that those who had happy marriages often remarry quickly after a spouse dies. Maybe they don't feel "once burned, twice shy" like those of us who had a less positive experience of marriage!

@CousinKrispy

I read that statistics show that those who had happy marriages often remarry quickly after a spouse dies. Maybe they don't feel "once burned, twice shy" like those of us who had a less positive experience of marriage!

There have been a few examples of that yes. I remember Gloria Hunniford getting upset when Caron Keating's husband remarried fairly swiftly.

Op you have been attacked for being judgemental by several people here but We all make judgements all day long whether we voice then or not. Is that person safe to be around? Or should I let my kids bear them ? Was that acceptable the way the other person spoke to me ? Should I say something or keep quiet ? Is it the right thing for me to do ? Etc etc
Evaluating what we consider right or wrong is how we set personal boundaries and form our beliefs and values
So don’t worry about anything anyone says . You’re not going up to these particular people and imposing your values on then and this forum is anonymous
People who say your judging need to look closely at the judgement they make every single day

@Littlebylittlelittle

Op you have been attacked for being judgemental by several people here but We all make judgements all day long whether we voice then or not. Is that person safe to be around? Or should I let my kids bear them ? Was that acceptable the way the other person spoke to me ? Should I say something or keep quiet ? Is it the right thing for me to do ? Etc etc Evaluating what we consider right or wrong is how we set personal boundaries and form our beliefs and values So don’t worry about anything anyone says . You’re not going up to these particular people and imposing your values on then and this forum is anonymous People who say your judging need to look closely at the judgement they make every single day

Yes, it's the smugness that irritates. Everyone has an opinion on something, and that opinion is, as you say, a judgement. When I heard this story I didn't think the person telling it was judging or criticising her relative, merely recounting the story. It was fairly high profile at the time on several websites and women's magazines (I found the story myself later).

I asked myself if I could become so involved with someone in that situation and I concluded I couldn't, for varying reasons, some of which other posters have mentioned already. Perhaps that is me being judgemental though !!!

We've also seen people in the media criticised for moving on swiftly - Simon Thomas and Steve Bland come to mind - the former has remarried recently, I believe, similar timeframe to the story I was told last night. But they were criticised for moving on.

One poster said that my OP said "more about me than him" But yet I was putting myself in the position of the new partner. I would not become involved with a man in such early stages of grief as I would want to protect myself. If that makes me judgemental, tough turnips.

Mumsnetters, who'd have 'em!

I thought this interesting from Simon Thomas - prompted to look him up on the back of this thread:

I understand a bit through everything we’ve been through; but in truth I don’t truly know what it’s like to walk in @derrina* ‘s shoes. Ethan might be easy to love; but to love a boy who isn’t her own flesh and blood in the way she does is something special ... But it’s also a path with its own unique challenges. That feeling of never being able to live up to Gemma ... That worry that she’ll always be in the shadow of all that came before - fears of inadequacy are never far away. The pervading thought that Ethan & I never chose the path we are now on so where does she fit into our lives now? The fear that she will never be good enough & will forever feel second.

All of these fears & worries are real; but none of them are really true. All of us are unique & all of us irreplaceable. Derrina is unique - there’s nothing second about her. She’s not in a shadow & she’s way beyond & above being good enough.*

You are being judgemental, mind your own business!

You can never judge until you walk in their shoes.

For those who just lodge a person for moving on in a supposedly short time frame be aware of one thing. If the death is expected and the late partner lived with an illness for some time then often the most raw grief comes before the death. The knowing that life has changed, that everything is upside down, that the relationship moves from partners to carer and patient and watching the partner suffer. Death can bring with it sadness, yes, but an opportunity to move forward and live again. To judge a timeframe from a date of death is to pack understanding of a process which began way before. Obviously this doesn’t account with a sudden death

Yes, I agree with you OP. I can understand the man wanting to put things behind him, find happiness quickly etc but I wouldn't want to be the woman in that situation.

Men always move on quickly.

My DM died after a long illness when I was 11. DF had a new DP within months. I don't think DM had been in the ground for a year when new DP and her DC moved in with us, even at 11 I remember thinking this is crazy. I won't go into the details of how it all went tits up but unsurprisingly it did.

I have every sympathy for DF losing DM as a very young man and he was very lost, but his actions following her not appropriate in any way.

@Avocadobacardi

You can never judge until you walk in their shoes.

For those who just lodge a person for moving on in a supposedly short time frame be aware of one thing. If the death is expected and the late partner lived with an illness for some time then often the most raw grief comes before the death. The knowing that life has changed, that everything is upside down, that the relationship moves from partners to carer and patient and watching the partner suffer. Death can bring with it sadness, yes, but an opportunity to move forward and live again. To judge a timeframe from a date of death is to pack understanding of a process which began way before. Obviously this doesn’t account with a sudden death

I nursed my husband of 40 years for 5 years before his death and I completely agree with this.

@PermanentTemporary

Six months is bloody fast. I know I was nowhere near ready for an actual relationship then, I'd barely come out of shock. I was, however, almost ready to dive into a gonzo sex life unlike anything I'd ever done before. I didn't exactly shout about that to my late dh's family.

Shit happens. Life is short. One of the very few silver linings of grief is that you can become incredibly open, like the lid has been ripped off. I suddenly started listening to new music again and having crazy intense crushes like a teenager. I had deep small-hours conversations with new and old friends. I hugged more, felt more, cried and laughed more.

I don't think anyone is unusual in feeling shock at such a fast new relationship. But it happens, a lot. You can grieve and still live.

Hope you are ok now. I know someone who was widowed (totally different situation to this guy and his new wife) and she reacted in the same way as you. I think the girl who has married this guy must be incredibly strong and with a good sense of self-esteem to have become so involved so quickly. She was also quite young, too, 25/26, about 6/7 years younger than him. I wouldn't do it now, never mind at that age.

Men always seem to move on very quickly no matter what the circumstances.

Littlebylittlelittle

I think the difference between men and women after bereavement is that when men have been in a really happy marriage and lose their spouse they miss the feeling of being cared for and cherished, whereas women have done all the cherishing and nurturing already and prefer to have time for self care. One of my aunts summed it up, she didn't have any interest in looking for anyone else because they would never be able to live up to the way she felt about my late uncle and their family. It probably also has something to do with the biological imperative. Men are never too old to procreate