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Original poster

How soon is too soon? Could you do this? I don't think I could.

75 replies

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 09/03/2022 22:31

Before anyone replies, this is not being judgemental or bitchy or any other negative adjective.

I was at my book group today and one member started talking about her relatives. Her cousin was widowed when his wife died in childbirth along with the baby, around 4 years ago. Six months later he is in a new relationship, they have recently married and had a baby together two years ago, giving the baby the middle name of the first child who died. The new wife looks very much like the first one too (our book club member showed us on Facebook).

I know I could not get involved so quickly with a widower let alone have a child and get married this fast. I'd feel I was lined up as a substitute, I would feel 'second fiddle' and think it too fast. He posts a lot of pictures on his Facebook about the fundraising he did and still does for the hospital, but he also seems to post pictures regularly of his first wife and baby saying how much he loves them (which of course he did, can't argue with that).

What do you think? Could you cope? How special a person do you have to be to feel secure with that, and not worry that your partner is with you as a bandaid?

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 10/03/2022 01:20

The OP is asking from the woman’s point of view! I couldn’t and hope I wouldn’t get involved, he’s barely grieved. But I can imagine my H doing something similar. He is needy and doesn’t like being alone, plus he need someone to mind the kids while he concentrates in his career. I’d feel sorry for anyone trapped into that and my poor DC left to muddle through.

Wiredforsound · 10/03/2022 04:49

This is none of your business. Why are you being judgemental and bitchy and gossipy? You have absolutely no reason to be.

LightSpeeds · 10/03/2022 05:44

So many women on MN have the most awful partners or can't find an even halfway decent bloke. It's not like there's one waiting on every street corner.

If he's a great bloke and wanting to get into a new relationship, why wouldn't someone want to snap him up and have an opportunity of happiness?

He needs healing and maybe she wants to heal him. It probably stands as much chance as any other relationship these days...

Good luck to them. It's a damn nicer story than 'my happy marriage of 20 years has just ended because he pays prostitutes'.

tara66 · 10/03/2022 05:48

People are entitled to whatever happiness they can find in this veil of tears if not hurting others - so mind your own business.

CatsandDogs22 · 10/03/2022 05:50

Saying you are not being judgemental before going ahead and saying something judgemental does not change the fact that you were being judgemental.

A bit like “I’m not racist but (actually I really am) or “I don’t mean to be rude but…(Im rude and I know it) or “with all due respect (you are due none, no respect for you)”

Goatinthegarden · 10/03/2022 05:50

I’ve recently been through a few family bereavements and my thoughts and understanding on death and grief has all been turned on it’s head.

I really don’t think you can judge unless you’re in, or have been in, that position. Imagine losing a wife and baby at the same time. Your whole future has just disappeared.

From the new wife’s point of view, who knows? My single friends tell me the mid-thirties dating pool is seriously lacking. He has been successfully married and settled before so might be a great candidate for a partner.

Littlebylittlelittle · 10/03/2022 05:52

I agree we can’t judge people and life is short but I think the op is just wondering how other women would feel in the woman’s shoes rather than anything else

I do however wonder why it so often seems to be men who seem to move on so quickly rather than women. Not to say women never do , but it seems really common for men to do this .

Angrymum22 · 10/03/2022 08:14

@tkwal

Men who have been in a happy, fulfilling marriage often remarry relatively soon after they have been widowed. Women in the same circumstances generally don't. Really don't think it's apt for you to be speculating about the lives of people you have never met. And in my family the cousin would be known as a gossipy twit
This^ It’s not like a divorce or splitting up. When a spouse dies it really is the end. It’s great that this man has found someone who understands that he will always love his first wife and has probably supported him through his bereavement. It’s not like a divorce where the first wife can be a continuous and put strain on a new relationship. If you’ve had a good marriage then you will be happy to marry again.
Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 10/03/2022 08:15

@HerRoyalNotness

The OP is asking from the woman’s point of view! I couldn’t and hope I wouldn’t get involved, he’s barely grieved. But I can imagine my H doing something similar. He is needy and doesn’t like being alone, plus he need someone to mind the kids while he concentrates in his career. I’d feel sorry for anyone trapped into that and my poor DC left to muddle through.
Thanks! I knew I'd be called judgemental (ironically by people being judgemental themselves) and told to mind my own business, I've even been likened to a racist. This site is nuts sometimes and I'm sure sometimes people don't even read posts properly.

Yes you're right, I was asking if fellow females would become involved because I couldn't. I'd always feel like a band aid

OP posts:
Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 10/03/2022 08:18

@Wiredforsound

This is none of your business. Why are you being judgemental and bitchy and gossipy? You have absolutely no reason to be.
@HerRoyalNotness see what I mean!
OP posts:
BeHappy91818 · 10/03/2022 08:21

I couldn’t be his new wife. Always playing second best and I’d never name my baby after his one that sadly died. I think that’s a bit odd.

TillyTopper · 10/03/2022 08:30

Honestly I don't know what I'd be like. I think it's impossible to say unless you are unfortunately enough to go through it. Also no one knows what goes on behind closed doors - perhaps they never got on in the first place, perhaps there was a OW, perhaps they just got lucky when they found each other.

Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 10/03/2022 08:30

If someone posted on here that they'd started a relationship with a man doubly bereaved eight months previously and asked would it work, I'd be interested to see the replies. I bet caution would be advised.

OP posts:
mrsbitaly · 10/03/2022 08:41

Maybe she was there for support and it just grew into something else? I would want my husband to be happy. He hasn't forgotten his FW or his 1st child and is keeping her memory alive by fundraising and acknowledging his love for her ect.

Couldn't image how traumatic that must have been for him going through that.

Rosebuud · 10/03/2022 09:02

Well it did work, it’s four years on and they have recently married.

Leave them be op. You don’t need to start threads to judge them.

LimeSegment · 10/03/2022 09:04

I bet caution would be advised.

I'm sure it would be, but who's to say it wasn't in this situation? OK they started dating after six months, but it's not like they got married and pregnant on the first date. Do you really believe we have one true love each, and every else is second best? There is no "the one", there is no "true love". If you are happy with someone and make a happy life together, that's a lot.

girlmom21 · 10/03/2022 09:05

I can't possibly say how I'd feel if my spouse and baby died because it's unimaginable.

I don't think I'd be prepared to settle down so soon with a man whose wife had died. That must be hard for them both but I wish them years of happiness.

MorrisZapp · 10/03/2022 09:06

A friend of mine lost a dear friend, and got together with the widower whilst in town for the funeral. No babies or young kids involved.

OK I admit I did think wtf at the time, but years later they're still together and seem really happy.

It takes all sorts, and men are well known for remarrying quickly when bereaved. In a way, it's seen as a tribute to their deceased loved one, as they simply can't deal with the gap left in their life. Who knows really.

Liveandkicking · 10/03/2022 09:13

Being honest, I do judge people who have lost their spouse and have children and quickly move a new person in. Just because I had a friend this happened to and from a child’s perspective it was really, really hard and new wife was jealous and didn’t allowing the kids to mourn or remember their mum. Just awful stuff.

In this case he only has to do right by himself which is for him to determine.

Juno22 · 10/03/2022 09:15

I'm happy for them. Life is short. If they have found happiness together after such a terrible tragedy then that is a good thing.

ValerieCupcake · 10/03/2022 09:58

I don't think we can judge. Though someone said He needs healing and maybe she wants to heal him. It probably stands as much chance as any other relationship these days... Is that the purpose of a relationship? Is it equal in that case? Would it be the same if the chap had MH issues or others? I would want to be an equal partner. Not a therapist. And what if he said "Well [name] didn't mind if I went to the pub/did X or Y"

Littlebylittlelittle · 10/03/2022 11:02

@tkwal

Men who have been in a happy, fulfilling marriage often remarry relatively soon after they have been widowed. Women in the same circumstances generally don't. Really don't think it's apt for you to be speculating about the lives of people you have never met. And in my family the cousin would be known as a gossipy twit
Why do you think there is that difference in men remarrying and women in the same circumstances , often not ?
Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 10/03/2022 11:24

The new wife was brunette and coloured her hair blonde when they met. This is a little odd.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 10/03/2022 11:33

'what's wrong with being judgemental, everyone is about all sorts'

Exactly. Yes you're being judgemental, no it's none of your business, no you don't know all the details. But so what?! You are allowed to have opinions about stuff that doesn't concern you. Being 'judgy' i.e. using your judgement is considered a hanging offence by some on here. Whatever 🤷🏻

MzHz · 10/03/2022 11:45

@JellyTots2009

You are judging. HTH
100% this.

Walk a mile in other peoples shoes and keep your own business in order.

Fucking hell. Seriously