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Original poster

Mummys boy

86 replies

Anon96lp · 09/03/2022 16:53

I need some relationship advice as my partner is a mummys boy and we're about to make a big commitment of buying a house together but im beginning to get concerned!
(Sorry for the essay in advance!)
my partner and i have been together for 5 years (im 25, he's 29). I moved in with him and his mum 2 years ago so we can save for a house deposit and during that time we got engaged. he has always been close to his mum but i didnt notice how close until i got to witness it first hand. Him and his mum catch up before he leaves for work, facetime/phone call during his work day, catch up when he gets back from work (she's the first person he goes to talk to when he gets home from work) and he always texts her goodnight even though shes in the room next door. I taught him how to cook and look after himself as he never had chores growing up because his mum did everything for him and i feel myself picking up the slack as he isnt always hands on with cleaning or cooking. He tells his mum everything. I had a miscarriage during lock down and he told his mum ''because he needed support''. her response to the miscarriage was ''arent you scared when you have kids shes going to take your child to her home country to be with her family?'' he openly told me this and didnt see an issue with the statement??? Please consider i have lived in the UK 18 years and all of my immediate family live here so there is no chance of that happening. He is a good partner and treats me well unless the issue around his mum come up in which case he gets very defensive. His mum manipulates him and treats him like a kid and gives him the silent treatment if he disagrees with her, he then chases for her forgiveness even though she's in the wrong. When he bought my engagement ring, her first question was ''what are you going to do with the ring if you break up, will you let her keep it?''. He told me this after our engagement and he saw it as her being accepting of the engagement?? She has made comments on my appearance multiple times and its always when her son compliments me. He will say ''doesnt she look nice today'' and his mums usual response is ''she looks so different without make up, i wouldnt recognise her in the street if i walked past''. she makes snide remarks such as ''you made my son grow up too fast, he wants to get married and buy a house instead of hang out with his friends ever since hes been with you'' i mean, 29, about time you grow up, no?. He left our mortgage meeting to go and ask his mum if she has any questions in relation to the purchase of our house that she wants to ask the mortgage avisor.... his answer to everything is ''but its my mum, thats just how she is, dont be so sensitive''. So, my concern is that we buy the house and start a family but he will always put his mum first and will always prioritise her views over ours and it scares me especially when the time comes to having kids. Im concerned he will overrule my judgement as a partner to do what his mum things is best. Am i overreacting or should i be wary? can he change if he currently isnt willing to even listen to any concerns as he gets defensive?

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 09/03/2022 16:55

There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Try catching one. This sounds like a nightmare and will never change. I never treat my DiL like this.

ShirleyPhallus · 09/03/2022 16:57

The mum thing wouldn’t concern me, this would:

I taught him how to cook and look after himself as he never had chores growing up because his mum did everything for him and i feel myself picking up the slack as he isnt always hands on with cleaning or cooking.

Sounds like you’d be his new mum

theqentity · 09/03/2022 17:10

Run!

Quitelikeit · 09/03/2022 17:13

There will be three people in your marriage and I’m not talking about your child. Run!!

Bonheurdupasse · 09/03/2022 17:13

Run.
Have a look at accounts from other women whose husbands are enmeshed with their mothers. It’s horrific and frustrating and ..,just so bad.

Peachynessa · 09/03/2022 17:23

There’s plenty more fish In the sea! You can’t be in a relationship where you always come second priority to mummy

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/03/2022 17:33

Is she's like this now, imagine what could happen if you take her little boy away from her - not that there'd be any point as he'd almost certainly be back there constantly, dealing with her "household emergencies/illnesses", and that's before you get to the poison she may drip in his ear in an attempt to get him back

You've not said how committed he is to this home you're saving for, but I'd be very surprised if he was prepared to move, and frankly I wouldn't even consider buying with him

Riverlee · 09/03/2022 17:40

Don’t commit to buying. Could you consider renting for six months to see how things pan out? Then you’ll know if he’s broken the purse strings completely, or whether there’s three in the relationship.

Original poster
Anon96lp · 09/03/2022 17:46

He seems pretty excited but again his mum is always first point of contact for any updates about the house. Her opinion is golden especially when we discussed weddings and I suggested I’d be happy to do it small at a registry office, he was opposed at first but after consulting his mum he said “I think we should do it at the registry office because mum said she knows loads of people that do it that way”

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon96lp · 09/03/2022 17:47

He wouldn’t be up for that, he’s made it clear plenty of times that if the sale fell through he’d be more than happy to stay at mums, the first suggestion before buying was that we guild a loft at his mums so we can live there

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2022 17:49

I would consider whether you actually want to remain with him at all.

Do not tie yourself to such a man by purchasing a property with him. He is still very much enmeshed to and with his mother and what she says goes, she will want to remain first in his life.

Webshite · 09/03/2022 17:49

I married one of these, it will get worse and never better. Run away very far while you still can.

movingon2022 · 09/03/2022 17:58

No, do not stay with this man child. Run and do not look back.

Webshite · 09/03/2022 17:59

"I think we should do it at the registry office because mum said she knows loads of people that do it that way”

"Because mum said" will be the phrase that defines your relationship.

The only hope for these types of men is that they eventually grow a pair and tell their mums to mind their own business. In the meantime your mil will critique and interfere in everything you do, until you can't take any more. She's ruined him for future relationships because she wants him all to herself. No woman will ever be good enough.

EKGEMS · 09/03/2022 18:03

You' d be quite foolish to commit to a man who is more emotionally committed to his mother than his future wife

pinkyredrose · 09/03/2022 18:07

Is he an only child?

Thingsdogetbetter · 09/03/2022 18:16

If he won't rent for even 6 months to test out your relationship living together without his mother being there, you'd be a fool to get yourself financially entangled with him by buying a house.

I think you need to make it clear that buying a house or continuing to live with his enmeshed mother are not options you will consider regardless of what he'd be happy with. Either a rented property for six months or a year, or you're out.

You need to see how far the umbilical core stretches before commiting your savings to a mortgage with him: in reality, not hypothetical promises he makes. Will he insist on giving her a key? (Yes) Will she be popping round all the time? (Yes.) Will she be popping round when you're not home to do his laundry for him? (Yes, and she'll probably make him a packed lunch too.) Is she prepared to treat him like an adult rather than her baby boy? (I guarantee the answer is no.) Is he prepared to stop treating her as his best friend/confidant/emotional support etc etc? (again I guarantee no.)

She is in competition with you for his attention and love, but it's him was letting her win.

In fact reading all that back...... don't bother renting, just run fast. Before you get suckered into marriage and dc with a manchild unwilling to make a decision without consulting mummy.

You just keep hoping he'll change and I think that hope is the most futile and damaging thing women do in bad relationships.

layladomino · 09/03/2022 18:22

I beg you not to commit to this man. He's shown you that his other's opinion and feelings will always be more important to him than yours, and he will only make decisions if he has her blessing.

I used to know someone in a similar position. He wouldn't get married until his mother thought it was the right time. He didn't want children until his mother was ready.

In the end my friend lost all respect and attraction for him and left.

layladomino · 09/03/2022 18:23

*mother's

Schlerp · 09/03/2022 18:26

Run. My partner didn’t reveal himself to be a mummies boy for a couple of years and by then we had a child. He’s not half as bad as yours sounds but mummy has a say in everything. She didn’t want him having a mortgage or buying a new car (we needed both) and she quizzes me about my income in the same way she quizzes him. (I tell her to mind her own business) She hates me, I’ll never be good enough and she loves letting me know. He’s not as bad now but he knows if he’s not good with money mummy will bail him out and he doesn’t tell me and it’s embarrassing when I inevitably find out (she takes great pleasure in telling me!)

If I’d known then what I’ve found out over the years I probably wouldn’t still be here with him.

DoctorManhattan · 09/03/2022 18:26

There’s 3 people in this relationship, not 2. And I doubt it will ever change. You can probably look forward to when she’s old and less mobile and he decides to move her into your house so she’s close by.

I’d move on.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 09/03/2022 18:27

You would have to be off your rocker to stay with him.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/03/2022 18:29

The first suggestion before buying was that we guild a loft at his mums so we can live there

I'm hoping this is some sort of joke, but if not I wouldn't consider even renting with him (which otherwise could have been a good idea)

At 25 you're approaching peak family-building years, and if you want DCs you could easily waste them waiting for him to grow some balls ... why risk it?

iRun2eatCake · 09/03/2022 18:55

He LEFT your mortgage meeting to ask his mother if she had any questions!!!!??? W..T...A...F

Lolapusht · 09/03/2022 18:56

She won’t let him go. As a pp mentioned, there will be countless things that she needs help with that will get him running round to hers. Is his dad around? She will make your life hell once babies arrive on the scene and your then DH will do nothing but side with her. “Mum says you shouldn’t breastfeed then she can help feed DC”…”Mum says she did CIO with me”…”Mum says you pick DC a up too much”…sweets are fine/screens are fine/nursery is awful/they can have solids from 3 months. Anything you don’t want her to do, you can guarantee that she’ll do it when she has DC and she will have them because he will take them round probably without you as you’ll be LC and refuse to step foot in her house unless she treats you with respect.

Does she let you have conversations with just your DP? Can you do normal couple things when she’s around? If you’re not already aware of it, try having a conversation that basically excludes her and see what her response is. Bet she does/says something to get the attention back to her. Depending on what that’s like that might be talking over you or fainting or some such nonsense.

And that’s without the racist bollocks Hmm

Good news is you’re not married and don’t have children! This is not a man to buy a house with, nevermind start a family with. He will not change because she still does everything for him. Run. Run fast and far.

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