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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mummys boy

86 replies

Anon96lp · 09/03/2022 16:53

I need some relationship advice as my partner is a mummys boy and we're about to make a big commitment of buying a house together but im beginning to get concerned!
(Sorry for the essay in advance!)
my partner and i have been together for 5 years (im 25, he's 29). I moved in with him and his mum 2 years ago so we can save for a house deposit and during that time we got engaged. he has always been close to his mum but i didnt notice how close until i got to witness it first hand. Him and his mum catch up before he leaves for work, facetime/phone call during his work day, catch up when he gets back from work (she's the first person he goes to talk to when he gets home from work) and he always texts her goodnight even though shes in the room next door. I taught him how to cook and look after himself as he never had chores growing up because his mum did everything for him and i feel myself picking up the slack as he isnt always hands on with cleaning or cooking. He tells his mum everything. I had a miscarriage during lock down and he told his mum ''because he needed support''. her response to the miscarriage was ''arent you scared when you have kids shes going to take your child to her home country to be with her family?'' he openly told me this and didnt see an issue with the statement??? Please consider i have lived in the UK 18 years and all of my immediate family live here so there is no chance of that happening. He is a good partner and treats me well unless the issue around his mum come up in which case he gets very defensive. His mum manipulates him and treats him like a kid and gives him the silent treatment if he disagrees with her, he then chases for her forgiveness even though she's in the wrong. When he bought my engagement ring, her first question was ''what are you going to do with the ring if you break up, will you let her keep it?''. He told me this after our engagement and he saw it as her being accepting of the engagement?? She has made comments on my appearance multiple times and its always when her son compliments me. He will say ''doesnt she look nice today'' and his mums usual response is ''she looks so different without make up, i wouldnt recognise her in the street if i walked past''. she makes snide remarks such as ''you made my son grow up too fast, he wants to get married and buy a house instead of hang out with his friends ever since hes been with you'' i mean, 29, about time you grow up, no?. He left our mortgage meeting to go and ask his mum if she has any questions in relation to the purchase of our house that she wants to ask the mortgage avisor.... his answer to everything is ''but its my mum, thats just how she is, dont be so sensitive''. So, my concern is that we buy the house and start a family but he will always put his mum first and will always prioritise her views over ours and it scares me especially when the time comes to having kids. Im concerned he will overrule my judgement as a partner to do what his mum things is best. Am i overreacting or should i be wary? can he change if he currently isnt willing to even listen to any concerns as he gets defensive?

OP posts:
Cas112 · 09/03/2022 21:31

It very rarely gets better with mummy's boys usually worse till you can't handle any more

Abridget7 · 09/03/2022 21:41

So many unattractive traits. Seriously what do you see in him?

TristesseDurera · 09/03/2022 21:43

Run away

5128gap · 09/03/2022 21:53

Their closeness is not a problem. I am very close to my DS in a similar way. But my DS is single, and when this is no longer the case our relationship will change. And so it should. Your problem is that his mum is refusing to accept the natural transference of his priority from mum to partner. Either because she doesn't think you're suitable for him (she seems to expect the relationship to fail) or because she has an unhealthy relationship with him. And I'd say its pretty much the same for him. He's either using her as barrier because he doesn't want to commit to you, or he has an unhealthy attachment. Either way, I'd end this relationship. It won't change and it won't make you happy.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 09/03/2022 22:10

There is no problem being close to his mam. It is a beautiful thing.

But there is TOO close. And when he considers his mam (and her opinions) more important than his partner then you have problems or problems coming.

It doesn’t get better.

Jellybean23 · 09/03/2022 22:15

They sound too close, I couldn't live with that.

Original poster
Anon96lp · 09/03/2022 22:49

Thank you for all of the responses! It’s extremely overwhelming realising I’m not crazy and over reacting. They definitely have a very unhealthy relationship and attachment style and it’s just really sad to realise after years of giving your all you’ll never compare or be a priority as he’s previously mentioned that instead of setting boundaries I just need to get used to her behaviour so if he’s willing to excuse things now, I can’t imagine what it would be like 10 years down the line. I will be going back to the drawing board to rethink my decisions because I known how miserable I currently am and I don’t see any changes happening

OP posts:
Jellybean23 · 09/03/2022 23:00

You are only 25 - your whole life ahead of you. You are far too young to settle for this , playing second fiddle to his mother. Imagine the interference from her on every topic under the sun - bringing up children, the house you should buy, decorating, going on holiday (with her tagging along). Go out and find someone else.

SoftwareDev · 09/03/2022 23:05

There are quite a few Mumsnet posts involving this unhealthy dynamic. They never end well.

The immediate ones that spring to mind are the, "my MIL thinks my baby is hers" massively overstepping boundaries type threads and the classic, "my MIL and FIL turned up at our honeymoon as a lovely surprise".

Take heed!

Original poster
Anon96lp · 09/03/2022 23:09

@Lolapusht his dad sadly passed away a couple of years ago and he was very happy for us and supportive of the relationship. His mum has been single since my partner was a baby so growing up my partner was expected to be the man in her life. She usually interrupts and changes the subject when we openly talk about our future or relationship or she throws in her “what if you break up” jabs or she sulks and ignores him when he doesn’t give her attention. I have also noticed a pattern when she wants his attention she will walk around the house making noises suggesting she’s in pain or will sigh really loudly which urges him to go and check on her. She has a really strong hatred towards other women, constantly gossiping and criticising other women or making comments like “women who don’t cook and look after their partner won’t have relationships that work” or “it’s a woman’s job to look after a man by cooking or cleaning”. She’s previously also told him not to motivate me to better myself (I was in the process of starting a diploma at the time) because I will better myself too much and leave him. I have tried so hard to win her over because I thought if we get along, it won’t be as bad but it’s clear she won’t view me as family ever. It should have been an eye opener for me when I got frustrated that they were planning an engagement party for me and my partner without including me and me and her had a discussion about leaving me out of conversations that involve my relationship and she said she likes to keep it in the family and doesn’t like talking about things with people that aren’t family,., followed by “don’t ever say he’s a mummy’s boy, we’re just very close and even his dad used to get jealous”

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 09/03/2022 23:14

I'm surprised you've made it this far with him (them) 🙄

SoftwareDev · 09/03/2022 23:16

You were excluded from talks about the engagement party!??! Good grief OP - you need to run - FAST!

(and never look back)

Whattochoosenow · 10/03/2022 00:22

Is this real?
What is making you stay?

autienotnaughty · 10/03/2022 06:57

Sounds awful will only get worse if you have kids. You would have to do everything the mothers way or battle with them both. No way.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 10/03/2022 07:33

You do understand that if you stay with this man you will have to deal with this until the day his mother dies, right?

Do you think you will have a happy life?

Mumof3confused · 10/03/2022 07:43

No no no. Run away from this as fast as you can. I married a mummy’s boy and his nowhere near as bad as your boyfriend but once bought a house and with each subsequent child it got worse, the more pressures and responsibilities we had together it got worse and worse. I realised only recently that I’ve been mothering him all of our time together. We are getting divorced and it’s a mess trying to sort out house/kids/finances. I was your age when we got together and everything was easy at the time as we had no worries or responsibilities. This woman will only get worse and worse, she will poison your marriage and your children. I’m sorry to be blunt but reading you opening post sent chills down my spine. Don’t be me.

Fireflygal · 10/03/2022 08:13

This is so sad as he has been damaged by his relationship with his mother and as a result he isn't capable of a relationship with anyone because he is enmeshed with his mother.

He has failed to develop his sense of self probably due to her dominance from early on in life. It is emotional abuse but he isn't even at the stage of recognising it's a problem, let alone try to change.

You can't have a healthy relationship with a man like this. It's impossible as he is programmed to consider her needs ahead of everyone else.

If you want to understand more look into emmeshment and FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). However please don't assume you can fix this...he would require specialist therapy for a very long time. This would be expensive and not guaranteed to work.

You are 25...so young, even if you meet someone in a years time you still have so much time to have a healthy relationship with someone else.

Cocomarine · 10/03/2022 08:23

Is he really REALLY good at sex?

He sounds awful (him, not her though she is too) and you know it, or you wouldn’t have posted.

Thisbastardcomputer · 10/03/2022 09:07

Run for the hills and don't look back.

My son is my only child and we were very close.

Never in a million years would I treat him or his partner like this.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 10/03/2022 13:33

@Anon96lp

He seems pretty excited but again his mum is always first point of contact for any updates about the house. Her opinion is golden especially when we discussed weddings and I suggested I’d be happy to do it small at a registry office, he was opposed at first but after consulting his mum he said “I think we should do it at the registry office because mum said she knows loads of people that do it that way”
No. Just no. At his age, he shouldn't have to run everything past Mummy Dearest! I would end it. Sorry, OP.
RantyAunty · 10/03/2022 14:13

None of it is normal.
Their dynamics are dysfunctional and abusive.
Look up emotional or maternal enmeshment.

JackieQueen · 10/03/2022 14:52

Please throw this one back, op. I know it will hurt for a while but it will be better than years and years of frustration and always coming last.Flowers

Crankley · 10/03/2022 15:48

Run. Reason no.1: You will never be first priority in his life as you should be, Mummy will always come first.

Run. Reason no. 2: I taught him how to cook and look after himself as he never had chores growing up because his mum did everything for him and i feel myself picking up the slack as he isnt always hands on with cleaning or cooking.

Run. Reason no.3: His mother will assume full control of your house if you buy one and treat it as her own as it belongs to her baby. He will give her a key, she will let herself in when she likes, Go through all your private papers, decide on decorating, you will be invisible in your own house.

I nearly married someone like this but I got good advice - to run.

Bookworm20 · 10/03/2022 16:10

Run woman RUN!

This will not end well.

The scenario will be:
You move in together
Hi mum will be there everyday
If DC enter the mix, she will give opinions on everything to do with their upbringing - what they eat, how they sleep, what they wear, right down to how you are doing everything wrong as a mother. guaranteed.
One day you will put your foot down and go against his mums opinion
All hell will break loose
He will side with his mum
You'd of wasted so much time because you will then realise you will never be his priority.

Try it out tonight. Oppose his mum's opinion on something and see what happens.

Paris14eme · 10/03/2022 16:44

Just got divorced from a mummy’s boy. He never stood up to her, never. We had four children together and I tried so hard to make it all work, but nothing I ever did was good enough.

Learn from all our mistakes OP.

There are plenty of nice men out there, you are so young. Don’t buy a house, marry or have children with this guy.

Your life will be hell.

My ex MIL wrote me not one but two nasty letters over the years accusing me of “taking her son away from her” because we moved to the opposite side of the M25 from her.

My final parting text to her (before blocking her) was words to the effect that: “ you wanted your son back: well, here he is -and have a nice life (what’s left of it)”!

Awful I know but she pushed her luck for 25+ years.

Good riddance. They deserve each other.

Run OP! Run!