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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being horrible?

56 replies

shinybutdamaged · 09/03/2022 14:47

Hi Folks, first time poster here. I was just looking for a little insight here as I'm literally unable to sleep most nights worrying about this.

A little background, I split up with a long term partner last year (a long time coming tbh) anyhow it's been so difficult he left me with all the debts we accrued together and given how prices are just astronomical atm I'm barely getting by each month.

This summer there is a big family wedding. I do want to go but I really am barely making it to payday. I have told family members this but am being made to feel like "I'm not trying to make an effort to go."

I don't know how else to say to them that I am literally skint. I have no savings and am currently looking into debt consolidation. Every few weeks I'm being messaged and being made to feel guilty because I can't commit to saying I will actually be able to attend this wedding.

I haven't been sleeping and cry most days. Am I being unreasonable about this? I'm looking into perhaps getting a short term second job but fitting it in may present problems due to my current job (which is full time).

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm so sorry for coming across so pathetic but I literally don't know what else to do.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
shinybutdamaged · 09/03/2022 14:54

Also the wedding is abroad and when I worked everything out it's going to cost in the region of £1,000 between travel, accommodation, gifts and outfit.

OP posts:
Movingonup22 · 09/03/2022 14:55

Oh I’m so sorry - of course you’re not being horrible!! Especially if it’s overseas!!!

girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 14:56

If you can't afford to go you can't afford to go. Anyone who has a destination wedding needs to understand that people won't be able to attend.

sadpapercourtesan · 09/03/2022 14:57

No, you are not being horrible. Horrible is pressurising somebody to spend huge amounts of money on someone else's celebration when they are already struggling to make ends meet.

I would tell these people, once and firmly, that you will not being going to the wedding due to financial constraints. And then refuse to engage - and make your mind up that you are NOT going to buy into any emotional blackmail. You are not in the wrong.

Original poster
shinybutdamaged · 09/03/2022 14:58

Thanks for your fast replies folks. I just feel so rotten about the whole thing. I've been told I risk being estranged if I don't make it. I don't know what else to say or do. I don't have many people in my life so I feel really upset at the thought of losing family. I just wish they'd be more understanding.

OP posts:
SpanishPapers · 09/03/2022 14:58

Have you told anyone in your family just how bad things are? Of course it's not unreasonable for you not to attend.

There's a lot of practical advice here www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/debt-help-plan/ - also some v knowledgable people on the forum who have been through this.

Justcallmebebes · 09/03/2022 14:59

Is there any way you can go without spending a lot (or any money)? Do you have to travel? Can you get a lift? If it's close family can you not buy a gift? Have you already got a suitable outfit or could you borrow one? What exactly is it that you will have to spend money on?

I think the immediate future looks very grim for most of us so it may be nice to have something to look forward to and doesn't have to cost you

OhMygodddd · 09/03/2022 14:59

Easy, day you can’t go. Over and done with and you don’t need to worry anymore.
A second job to pay for a wedding, no!

Aquamarine1029 · 09/03/2022 15:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

sadpapercourtesan · 09/03/2022 15:02

@Aquamarine1029

Stop talking to these idiots and try to grow a thicker skin. Crying over this is just silly.
It isn't remotely silly to cry over massive financial stress and being threatened with estrangement by your own family. Your post is rather spiteful.

OP, is it really better to have people in your life who threaten to cut you off over something like this? They sound really unsupportive and mean.

Thatsplentyjack · 09/03/2022 15:02

Every few weeks I'm being messaged and being made to feel guilty because I can't commit to saying I will actually be able to attend this wedding.

So commit to saying you can't go Confused. They will want to know numbers. Why are you making them wait?

mbosnz · 09/03/2022 15:03

How dare they guilt-trip you? You are not being unreasonable, you are in a very difficult and tight spot, and expecting/demanding that someone in such a difficult financial situation should drop £1k on a wedding is beyond selfish and ridiculous. The emotional blackmails and threats are bang out of order.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 09/03/2022 15:03

Any family that threatens to cut you off just because you're struggling to afford an overseas wedding isn't family at all. They're just relatives. Family would understand. I'm so sorry.

girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 15:05

@shinybutdamaged

Thanks for your fast replies folks. I just feel so rotten about the whole thing. I've been told I risk being estranged if I don't make it. I don't know what else to say or do. I don't have many people in my life so I feel really upset at the thought of losing family. I just wish they'd be more understanding.
Who's telling you you'll be estranged? Tell them you physically can't afford it and the alternative is to starve and freeze to death in the meantime, which means you still won't make it but they'll be able able to skip all the estrangement drama and skip straight to pretending they did everything they could to help.

Seriously, who needs enemies?!

Original poster
shinybutdamaged · 09/03/2022 15:08

Thanks again. Well I have said on more than one occasion but certain members of the party keep messaging every once in a while just to "check if that's still the case" one of the members has stated that some of the female bridal party members have alluded to the fact they'll never speak to me again if I do not attend.

OP posts:
takingmytimeonmyride · 09/03/2022 15:09

They can bloody pay for you to go then. Ffs.

strawberryapricotpie · 09/03/2022 15:10

Your relatives are behaving disgustingly (threatening you'll be estranged?? I'm speechless!) and being incredibly selfish. Their choice to pick such an expensive destination wedding - if that's what they want, they need to accept not everyone will be able to make it. The cost of living is skyrocketing and many people will not be able to afford this kind of thing at the moment.

Original poster
shinybutdamaged · 09/03/2022 15:12

Yeah it's really made me evaluate the behaviour of the people involved. It's all rather mean.

OP posts:
Elsiebear90 · 09/03/2022 15:15

Whose wedding is it? Sibling? If it means that much to people that you attend they should offer to pay for you themselves then!

Peoplearetwats · 09/03/2022 15:18

Christ, tell them all to do one 😡 you’re skint and can’t go end of story. They sound like arseholes

MintJulia · 09/03/2022 15:24

Of course yanbu.

Anyone who chooses to marry abroad has to accept that some of their family party or friends will be unable to attend.

It is their choice. If the wedding was in the U.K. and was going to cost a gift and a tank of petrol then maybe, but not everyone has £1,000 just lying around.
To be honest they sound spoilt and entitled. And the comment about never speaking to you again shows them to be small minded beyond belief. You are better off without people like that. They certainly don't care for you. They sound like petulant 12yos.

Please, don't feel guilty. Flowers

2catsandhappy · 09/03/2022 19:47

Anything in his name only? Or is it more credit cards and utilities in your name? Anything you can put on a zero balance transfer or can you get an overdraft or small consolidation loan?
NOT to afford the wedding, because you cannot afford the wedding expenses, but to give yourself some breathing room to live.
Will he say that you gifted the joint expenses/willingly chose to take on the debt solely? Any chance he might step up and pay his share?

I think you have to say point blank to your family that ex ran off and left you with crippling debts and that you are really struggling to manage and are desperate.

Sprucewillis · 09/03/2022 20:12

You are not being horrible at all. Just tell them you would appreciate it if they would leave it alone. You have said it's not within your means.

I really don't like the new entitled way people expect others to shell out for 'their' special day. Fine if people want to be involved but not fair to insist and guilt you.

With bridal showers, 5 stag/hen parties at home and abroad, special makeup and hair and paying for your own outfit and shoes. It really makes a mockery out of marriage and turns it into a circus rather than a union between 2 people.

It's an invitation not a summons and you can politely decline and you don't need to give a reason.

I hope someone is giving you the help and support you need OP there is loads of debt advice available. Someone else's vanity does not need to be a priority for you especially over your MH. Good luck OP Thanks

TheSmallestGiraffe · 10/03/2022 00:42

@shinybutdamaged

Hi Folks, first time poster here. I was just looking for a little insight here as I'm literally unable to sleep most nights worrying about this.

A little background, I split up with a long term partner last year (a long time coming tbh) anyhow it's been so difficult he left me with all the debts we accrued together and given how prices are just astronomical atm I'm barely getting by each month.

This summer there is a big family wedding. I do want to go but I really am barely making it to payday. I have told family members this but am being made to feel like "I'm not trying to make an effort to go."

I don't know how else to say to them that I am literally skint. I have no savings and am currently looking into debt consolidation. Every few weeks I'm being messaged and being made to feel guilty because I can't commit to saying I will actually be able to attend this wedding.

I haven't been sleeping and cry most days. Am I being unreasonable about this? I'm looking into perhaps getting a short term second job but fitting it in may present problems due to my current job (which is full time).

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm so sorry for coming across so pathetic but I literally don't know what else to do.

Thanks.

This is mad. If you get married abroad (and some people have very valid reasons for doing so) you accept that some people won't be able to go. And for close family/ friends who you know would struggle to afford it, you privately and discreetly offer to fund their flights and accommodation so that it costs them no more than attending a local wedding. Your family are being callous and ridiculous. I'm sorry they treat you this way.
Butterfly44 · 10/03/2022 00:56

Can you reply and say that if you had money you absolutely wouldn't even hesitate but you are barely making it paying bills and don't have £1k spare. Say although you don't make it public your circumstances are a constant source of anxiety that's affected your mental well-being and those assuming you're being awkward or just don't want to go is so far from the truth.
Anyone who doesn't understand that isn't worth having in your life.

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