Am I being horrible?

[shinybutdamaged]

Hi Folks, first time poster here. I was just looking for a little insight here as I'm literally unable to sleep most nights worrying about this.

A little background, I split up with a long term partner last year (a long time coming tbh) anyhow it's been so difficult he left me with all the debts we accrued together and given how prices are just astronomical atm I'm barely getting by each month.

This summer there is a big family wedding. I do want to go but I really am barely making it to payday. I have told family members this but am being made to feel like "I'm not trying to make an effort to go."

I don't know how else to say to them that I am literally skint. I have no savings and am currently looking into debt consolidation. Every few weeks I'm being messaged and being made to feel guilty because I can't commit to saying I will actually be able to attend this wedding.

I haven't been sleeping and cry most days. Am I being unreasonable about this? I'm looking into perhaps getting a short term second job but fitting it in may present problems due to my current job (which is full time).

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm so sorry for coming across so pathetic but I literally don't know what else to do.

Thanks.

@shinybutdamaged

Yes I have but they seem to not be computing this it's like they think I'm telling porkies.

Some of it is in my name some is in his but he's done one and no one knows where he is. I've been getting angry letters for credit cards and things he's taken out also.

You only pay what’s in your name. Anything else you tell them his new address or he’s not there. You don’t pay anything solely on his name, only what’s in yours. The fact he’s done one isn’t your problem. It’s his creditors.

@shinybutdamaged

Yes I have but they seem to not be computing this it's like they think I'm telling porkies.

Some of it is in my name some is in his but he's done one and no one knows where he is. I've been getting angry letters for credit cards and things he's taken out also.

Absolutely do not pay anything in his name. Put the letters back in the postbox marked 'not known at this address' You don't have to pay his debts.

@shinybutdamaged

Thanks for your fast replies folks. I just feel so rotten about the whole thing. I've been told I risk being estranged if I don't make it. I don't know what else to say or do. I don't have many people in my life so I feel really upset at the thought of losing family. I just wish they'd be more understanding.

The type of people who would threaten to cut you off if you can't afford a wedding aren't people you need any n your life so let them. How rotten, if you can't afford it that's the end, just say no!

Also, stop paying anything in his name, you're only responsible for anything in your name so please stop paying them now, if they can't find him it's their issue not yours xx

I was invited to a family wedding around the same time as being made redundant, and I didn't feel I could say no. Not quite as expensive as your scenario but still £££ I couldn't afford, with no income and mortgage and bills to pay (no partner at that time so all down to me). I went, despite the sick feeling in my stomach, and I didn't enjoy a second of the wedding because I spent the whole time resenting that I was being forced to spend a fortune on staying in some crazy expensive castle which didn't even have WiFi (might still be slightly bitter). Don't put yourself in that position.
Explain the situation again to your family, be REALLY clear that you would absolutely love to be there but you're making yourself ill with debt worries and there is no way you can find the money.

"Dear bride
I'm so happy for you that you have a lovely wedding to look forward to.
I'd love to come and share your day but, as you know, I don't have 2 pennies to rub together since x and I split. He left me with huge debts that I'm having to get help with to clear.
I'm sure you understand that I'd give everything to be with you. But it simply isn't possible. Believe me, I lie awake at night worrying about the debts and that it means I can't come to your wedding.
I'd love to see you to share your excitement but please, I'd really appreciate you asking the rest of the family to lay off the guilt-trips. I'm slowly getting back in my feet and I don't want your wedding planning to be de-railed with my non-attendance.
Come round for a catch up at the weekend? xx"