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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being horrible?

56 replies

shinybutdamaged · 09/03/2022 14:47

Hi Folks, first time poster here. I was just looking for a little insight here as I'm literally unable to sleep most nights worrying about this.

A little background, I split up with a long term partner last year (a long time coming tbh) anyhow it's been so difficult he left me with all the debts we accrued together and given how prices are just astronomical atm I'm barely getting by each month.

This summer there is a big family wedding. I do want to go but I really am barely making it to payday. I have told family members this but am being made to feel like "I'm not trying to make an effort to go."

I don't know how else to say to them that I am literally skint. I have no savings and am currently looking into debt consolidation. Every few weeks I'm being messaged and being made to feel guilty because I can't commit to saying I will actually be able to attend this wedding.

I haven't been sleeping and cry most days. Am I being unreasonable about this? I'm looking into perhaps getting a short term second job but fitting it in may present problems due to my current job (which is full time).

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm so sorry for coming across so pathetic but I literally don't know what else to do.

Thanks.

OP posts:

Christoncrutches · 10/03/2022 01:00

They sound like utter shitbags. As hard as it is, you need to speak very plainly to them saying its beyond your budget and you need support and understanding rather than threats. If they can’t see how unreasonable you are, you’re better off without them. Better to have one or two decent, kind hearted folk in your life than a bunch of callous c*nts you happen to be related to.

Original poster

shinybutdamaged · 10/03/2022 08:09

Thanks for your replies everyone. I'm not getting myself uptight about it anymore if they can't accept my situation then it says so much more about them than it does about me.

Also my ex has went off the radar, changed his number and no one knows where he has gone. I seem to have a knack for surrounding myself with horribly, selfish people.

OP posts:

Aprilx · 10/03/2022 08:20

If you had posted that you can’t afford the train fare to get to the wedding, I would have thought that you need to find a way. All too often people post on here with the flimsiest of reasons they cannot get to a wedding it seems.

But a destination wedding, no. But I think you need to pull the plaster off, forget about this “not being able to commit”, don’t be vague and non committal, just say “no I will not be there”.

I had a destination wedding myself and like anyone that makes such a decision, you accept that some people won’t be coming. I am very surprised that you have not found the same.

newbiename · 10/03/2022 08:32

That's a horrible situation. I think be completely honest with whoever is getting married. As PP have said , tell them you can hardly get through the month because of joint debts.
You'd love to come but just can't afford it.

Hadalifeonce · 10/03/2022 08:36

I would tell them your ex has left you with debts, and you are literally struggling to survive financially. So will not be attending, however much you would like to.

Rosebuud · 10/03/2022 08:41

Op other than saying you’re skint, have you actually told them you habe signficant debt and struggling to survive?

I don’t understand the left you with debt bit, I’m guessing the debt is in your name?

Original poster

shinybutdamaged · 10/03/2022 08:53

Yes I have but they seem to not be computing this it's like they think I'm telling porkies.

Some of it is in my name some is in his but he's done one and no one knows where he is. I've been getting angry letters for credit cards and things he's taken out also.

OP posts:

jytdtysrht · 10/03/2022 08:53

I would send an email to the bride with your financial situation

Dear bride,

I love you and want to attend your wedding.
Every night I am kept awake worrying that I can’t.
I know some people think I’m making excuses so here is my situation:

Debts: credit card £2000, personal loan £5000
Savings and ISAs: 0
My incoming salary is equal/smaller than all my bills by about £100 per month
I’m drowning in debt and frightened which is why I am unable to pay x for flights, y for accommodation, z for whatever.

Please understand that I would come if I could

jytdtysrht · 10/03/2022 08:54

If I received that from my sibling, I’d pay for their flight

AlisonDonut · 10/03/2022 09:04

@jytdtysrht

I would send an email to the bride with your financial situation

Dear bride,

I love you and want to attend your wedding.
Every night I am kept awake worrying that I can’t.
I know some people think I’m making excuses so here is my situation:

Please understand that I would come if I could

Nooooooo...you do not know if the bride will share this round to everyone.

Just reply to the invitation with a decline.

And if people want to try and guilt trip you, Tel them your ex left you with loads of debt and you have bailiffs at the door so might not make it anyway if you are in prison, frozen to death from having no money for heating or starved as you have no money to eat so you'd waste a space if you agreed just to keep family happy.

AlisonDonut · 10/03/2022 09:06

@shinybutdamaged

Yes I have but they seem to not be computing this it's like they think I'm telling porkies.

Some of it is in my name some is in his but he's done one and no one knows where he is. I've been getting angry letters for credit cards and things he's taken out also.

A - stop using words like porkies and take this seriously.

B- what is in your name is your issue, what is in his name can be returned to sender as not at this address.

C - you need to get a debt adviser consultation, take all your paperwork and work out a potential solution to this.

jytdtysrht · 10/03/2022 10:29

So what if it gets shared round?
Someone might actually help the OP!
I would if I received that.

Peachtoiletpaper · 10/03/2022 11:03

I don't actually think you need to explain yourself in depth, let alone lay out your financial issues to family members behaving this way. 1k is a huge amount of money to spend on someone else's wedding.

It's entirely their choice to arrange it this way and they need to accept that will preclude some people from coming. Can you just say, to the b/g 'thanks for the invitation but since I keep getting asked, I have costed it and can't stretch to the 1k it will come to. I hope you have a wonderful trip'. Any threats of cutting you off in response to that are obscenely entitled and unreasonable. Hold your up and ignore.

jytdtysrht · 10/03/2022 11:16

The thing is lots of people whinge about having no money, whilst actually having £££££ in ISAs that they don't want to break into. So I think the OP should lay it out in detail - not only to satisfy the bride, but for her wider family to actually get involved in helping her out. And to illustrate that she isn't whining about a non existent problem. If family won't help, nobody will. If OP was my daughter and I had the means, I'd wipe that debt in a heartbeat.

2catsandhappy · 10/03/2022 14:20

Can you do a free online credit score search? You will see what is against your name. Then contact a free debt management company online. Step Change is one. There are many more. Step Change take over all the correspondence with the credit card companies etc. You agree to freeze the debt and pay back at a rate you can afford. You pay off what you owe over a longer period of time. The sooner you start the quicker you will have a living budget.
I am glad the ex is gone and am very sorry he has screwed you over. Very best of luck @shinybutdamaged xx

girlmom21 · 10/03/2022 15:15

@jytdtysrht

I would send an email to the bride with your financial situation

Dear bride,

I love you and want to attend your wedding.
Every night I am kept awake worrying that I can’t.
I know some people think I’m making excuses so here is my situation:

Please understand that I would come if I could

This is bonkers. Don't do this.

2Gen · 10/03/2022 16:15

@girlmom21

If you can't afford to go you can't afford to go. Anyone who has a destination wedding needs to understand that people won't be able to attend.

This! I can't believe that you're being guilt-tripped over this OP, they should be understanding and supportive! It's really very inconsiderate and even unpleasant of them to place this extra burden on you. Of course you are not horrible, quite the opposite from the sounds of it it! I'm so sorry ! Lay it out to them one last time that you CANNOT afford it! I hope things soon improve for you!

m00rfarm · 10/03/2022 17:00

Ask if they will lend you 1k and then pay it back when you can afford it.

m00rfarm · 10/03/2022 17:01

Urghh - had not finished! Maybe ask them to not give you birthday or christmas presents for a few years. If you really WANT to go then tell them and ask for help. Otherwise just tell them you are not going. It is the not knowing that is clearly driving their strange behaviour. If they know you are not going then they will not have to keep asking.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/03/2022 17:19

@m00rfarm

She has told them a number of times, they just keep checking if she's 'changed her mind' or if it's 'still the case' while adding a dollop of guilt each time. She's repeatedly told them she can't go, by the sounds of her most recent messages. Poor OP. The family sound a horrible lot making her feel shit about this.

Crikeyalmighty · 10/03/2022 18:03

I feel for you OP, some people are just so thoughtless when pressurising people like this. Firstly though please don’t pay any debts in his name only, just return to ‘no longer at this address’ — if you get bailiffs or anything just say I’m afraid he’s moved out and I have no idea where he is. On the family front simply say ‘I am sorry I can’t attend but have been left with a ton of debt from ex and don’t have the cash flow to do this’ — if someone won’t speak to you , then they really aren’t worth knowing.

Wiredforsound · 10/03/2022 18:30

If you book a destination wedding you have to accept that lots of people can’t afford it or can’t take that much time off. That’s the rules. You are choosing to exclude people and you make that choice, and that’s fine if that’s what you want, but it is not acceptable to guilt people into getting themselves into debt to be an extra at your big event.

LifeExperience · 10/03/2022 18:49

OP, do not pay your former partner's debts. You do not owe the money, despite what bill collectors tell you. Throw the letters in the trash and block unknown callers on your phone.

Bill collectors tried to get my parents to pay my adult deceased brother's debts, telling them that since he was their son, they owed it. Luckily they knew this was false. You are not obligated to pay anyone's debt but your own.

As for the wedding, if you can't afford it then you can't go. If your "friends"and family don't understand that then they are the horrible ones.

JiannaTheWitchQueen · 10/03/2022 18:51

OP ring Stepchange please. They will find you an affordable solution and their service is free.

Jk24 · 10/03/2022 20:57

@jytdtysrht the ops finances are f all to do with anyone else, they should just accept she can't afford to go, not have to list her incoming and outgoing ffs thats ridiculous.

I'm so sorry youre going through this op. Dont be paying any of the debts in his name just ring the creditors and tell them he's an ex tenant. There's some good interest rates on compare the market if youre in a position to consolidate. Please don't feel bad about not attending. People who get married abroad should expect not everyone can afford to go

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