Do you think my story is different from the norm?

[gurly]

I left H 6 months ago, took the dcs and have been living with family ever since.

Reasons were feeling unloved, taken advantage of, slightly controlling, only thinking about himself.

I left, put myself in therapy and watched as H suffered a breakdown, he went to the lowest point.

H then put himself in therapy and despite my gut feeling that he wouldn't, he has actually stuck at it. He has an extremely traumatic childhood behind him (no excuse I know) plus a suicide of one of his parents. I tried to get him in therapy for years but he was adamant he didn't need it.

Anyway, he's sticking at therapy, he's joined a gym, he's stopped wasting money, he's doing more with the dcs and he isn't pressuring me to come home - he was practically harassing me when i left.

The controlling part of him he now realises is down to what he witnessed as a child - though the controlling part of him wasn't extreme, it did however leave me feeling uneasy.

I have no plans to go back to him, I am actually currently moving into my new home by the end of the month.

However we do meet once a week for a coffee or a drink and see each other when dropping dcs off etc. It's nice to see him looking better, it's nice to see him looking after himself and putting things together - he says things are finally clicking for him but he knows he still has a long way to go. He admits he was (emotionally) abusive and he is full of remorse.

I see posts all the time where the OP wants to leave or has already left and the responses are always 'he will never change'.....am I mad to think change may not be impossible for my H?

To add - I'm in therapy also, I'm working on my self esteem, I've never done so much work on myself and I'm loving it! If we were to reconcile, it would be the smallest of baby steps. He also says he would never want to live together again until he's finished his therapy and he's certain things will be better. Something I never imagined he would say in a million years.

People can and do change. There are no absolutes in life so 'a leopard doesn't change its spots' is false.
Trust your gut OP.

What do you mean, different from the norm? Are you looking for a fairytale ending?

What do you want? A leopard doesn't change his spots...

I see people changing every day. People don’t change unless they want to, and it seems like your ex genuinely does.

I like your balance of openness and patience. Who knows how things will turn out, but in the meantime you are being friends to each other. That is valuable in itself.

Congratulations on taking action that seems to have set good things on motion for both of you

I disagree completely that people can't change. But they have to want it. And on here when you see posts saying, "he won't change" it's usually after th eOP details behaviour that's been going on for years.

If, as it sounds like is happening here, a person sees that they have a problem and then put the work in to improve, then yes, change is possible. Dh successfully dealt with significant anger issues. I am forcing myself to better manage my behaviour when stressed and impatient. It is doable.

Yes I think people can change

People can change. I wish my ex had behaved in this manner when I left, perhaps things would be different now. Good luck op

People can and do change.

Quite often on here the abuser gets a v hard time and rightly so. I do think most people seem to overlook that the abuser themselves has most likely suffered abuse themselves at the hands of their own parents.

Growing up like this often means they know no different and if or when they do know the difference it is so damn hard to change your inner fabric/response to situations.

Just as we respond to things on instinct so do they.

However I have read some truly horrendous stories on here and upbringing would not necessarily explain all the horrors away but in your case I genuinely feel like he is making an effort to truly change.

I absolutely hope therapy helps your ex succeed. For the sake of himself, his children and any other future partner he has.

You didn’t elaborate much on his abuse was it v v severe? What form did it take?

Certainly people can change - otherwise we might as well all just say "well I'm a miserable fucker and I'll be one for life, guess that's it then."

However the key thing is that the change has to come from within, and it has to be wanted. People can't change for others - they might make a token effort, they might even genuinely believe they want to change, but unless they truly work at it for themselves they will almost certainly relapse back to previous behaviour and attitude.

In your Hs case it does sound like he's had a genuine life change, but it's still very early days and I wouldn't personally want to think about reconciling for several years - and ultimately it might be a case of wishing him well, co-parenting in a friendly and respectful way, but not wanting to "go back there", because sometimes the damage is simply too great.

I do think it's unusual for anyone to have this sort of sustained change. It requires great effort and it's painful. The majority of people prefer to remain in old behaviour patterns, even when they dislike those patterns, because they are familiar and comfortable.

Hi, I've had a dire upbringing with awful things being done to me. It's good to see you open up, and people can change. We're not in the early 1900s. If you want serious change, people can change but it takes work.

I hope you get what you want. Stay strong. Think positive and good things will come your way. You deserve it. x

Thank you for these responses.

I have had threads before when I wanted to leave and was met with the 'LTB' and 'he will never change'. And I believed 100% that he never would.

In regards to the abuse, he was never violent. He never really shouted. It was more I felt like I was walking on egg shells. He shouted at me at my most vulnerable times - which through his therapy, I'm realising why this was however it's not an excuse again. I remember screaming at him at times 'why can't you just be a normal husband?' I used to at times asked if he even loved me which always annoyed him. Now I realise he witnessed such horrific abuse with his parents, he never witnessed a healthy relationship. Unfortunately one of his parents committed suicide which leaves him with so so many unanswered questions (he has found out that this parent was possibly not his biological parent) my heart breaks for him at the abuse he suffered.

Through my therapy, I've also realised my childhood which I thought was 'ok' was actually horrible. Never told I was loved as a child, never praised. Anything good that I did, my dad would say something which would taint my achievement....or just be totally uninterested. My mum was scared of him, never stood up to him. I've done exactly what my mum did and ended up with someone like my dad.

We were both absolutely desperate for therapy. Also medication on H's case which he is taking and going with all advice from his GP. Before I left, he couldn't even make his own drs appointment.

I don't pretend for a second we would have an amazing relationship if we tried again. Far from it, but we've both come further than I ever imagined.

I had to leave H and watch him reach rock bottom. It was awful but it was a process we had to go through.

FWIW, you have my respect @gurly because you sound so self-aware and you've been able to look at the situation from all angles.

I had to leave H and watch him reach rock bottom. It was awful but it was a process we had to go through.

This is the important point. All those people telling you to LTB because he wouldn't change were right - while you were still there, accepting the behaviour, he was not going to change... In many cases, even after you leave, there is no change. In your case, your H appears to have got the wake up call he needed and is doing the work. well done to him. Maybe you'll be able to work it out over the long term, maybe not. Either way, you're in a better place, he's in a better place and things will be better for your children.

Just go really, really slowly. Better to be good friends than lovers who crash and burn.

Sometimes a damaged person isn't the best person to deal with another damaged person. I think you should both focus on healing yourselves and forming good relationships with each other and with other new people. Who knows? If after a few years of treating you well and having good relationships with others, you might decide to get back together. Or you might not. Don't live now as though you will. Look after yourself and the children and don't even think about getting back with him for a long, long time.

"Rock.bottom teaches you things the mountain top never will."
It can often be a blessing in disguise. It forces you on a different path with a different way of thinking.

As he is going to these lengths I would say it is clear he loves you.

Also of course we repeat relationship patterns so it’s no surprise you were attracted to someone like your father. You didn’t purposely seek out your husband though just as he didn’t seek someone vulnerable out who he could abuse.

You do seem quite strong. He seems like he was a victim himself growing up and like I say usually it sticks and sows itself into peoples personality.

This is why social workers remove children from DV situations because the pattern repeats itself and it’s basically a cycle that passes on through the generations. It how adults end up damaged, poor MH, unable to work, some turn to crime, drugs, addiction and on it goes.

However I rarely read an effort like the one you have described above so he deserves some credit as do you for finding the strength to extract yourself from the situation.

Although I do think some things will be sewn into his nature. Quite sad really. It’s the same for a lot of us though

This is difficult to comprehend on one hand you say you’ve no plans to go back to him then you make it abundantly clear that’s exactly what you’re planning on doing and even discussing with him, baby steps, living arrangements and acting love struck.

I think you need to be honest with yourself.

@Adeleskirts

This is difficult to comprehend on one hand you say you’ve no plans to go back to him then you make it abundantly clear that’s exactly what you’re planning on doing and even discussing with him, baby steps, living arrangements and acting love struck.

I think you need to be honest with yourself.

By me meaning I have no plans to go back to him, I mean literally that. I have no plans to go back to the house I shared with him (he still lives there) and go back to my old life.

As I mentioned, I am hopefully moving into my own home by the end of the month and I cannot wait.

And yes I stand by what I said, baby steps would be the absolute only option if we were to consider re starting our marriage.

You haven't actually emotionally separated.

You are still emotionally entwined and supporting one another.

You are not ready to severe that last bit. Only you can make that decision. I'm sure if he met someone new you would be devastated as your marriage isn't actually truly over yet.

Yes you need to be honest with yourself and each other about the future and whether you are truly single and free to date others or not.

You were bad for each other as a couple OP. You leaving was what was needed for you both to get help and get better.

It's too easy to fall back into toxic patterns if you were ever to rekindle.

But it's lovely if you can be friends for the children.

@RandomMess

You haven't actually emotionally separated.

You are still emotionally entwined and supporting one another.

You are not ready to severe that last bit. Only you can make that decision. I'm sure if he met someone new you would be devastated as your marriage isn't actually truly over yet.

Yes you need to be honest with yourself and each other about the future and whether you are truly single and free to date others or not.

I can see that.

Though maybe one point I should of mentioned is that we were completely no contact for a considerable amount of time. We used a 3rd party for contact for the dcs.

Since contact has resumed, we just both wanted to know how each other was. And he wanted to sincerely apologise - the first time I saw it was genuinely sincere.

Its hard. I know I don't want a new relationship, I'm working on myself, my boundaries and getting to the best version of myself that I think I can be. So a new relationship isn't on the cards for me right now. For him, I don't know. We haven't spoken about it

Of course people can and do change. I know a few people who are reformed drug addicts/alcoholics.
And none of us are the same people we were 20 years ago.

So it is great that both of you have put this effort in to making a new start and getting yourselves sorted.

But I would not trust any change until it was 2-3 years down the line. So when people say go slowly, it really really is slllooooowwwly!

And I would say that some underlying personality traits may be excacerbated by the abuse they suffered, but the underlying trait may still be there.

And it may well be that you have too much history together for you ever to work as a couple, too many bad patterns of operating.

And there is still a danger that this is not as genuine as you would like but is done in order to get you back and then he can stop with the effort again.

You need to ask where he is in terms of the marriage so you know 100% where you both stand.

Yes people can change; the mistake I think people make though is jumping back together when someone is only at the beginning of that. Realistically he is still only at the beginning of that and it will take years to see if he has changed

I completely agree with the time it takes - years. I know. I'm actually moving 40 mins away to a new town, completely new fresh start for me and the dcs. H is supportive of this.

I think in a nutshell - I didn't expect to get to this point with him. I didn't expect him to stay in therapy. I didn't expect any of it. I'm proud of him.