Do you think my story is different from the norm?

[gurly]

I left H 6 months ago, took the dcs and have been living with family ever since.

Reasons were feeling unloved, taken advantage of, slightly controlling, only thinking about himself.

I left, put myself in therapy and watched as H suffered a breakdown, he went to the lowest point.

H then put himself in therapy and despite my gut feeling that he wouldn't, he has actually stuck at it. He has an extremely traumatic childhood behind him (no excuse I know) plus a suicide of one of his parents. I tried to get him in therapy for years but he was adamant he didn't need it.

Anyway, he's sticking at therapy, he's joined a gym, he's stopped wasting money, he's doing more with the dcs and he isn't pressuring me to come home - he was practically harassing me when i left.

The controlling part of him he now realises is down to what he witnessed as a child - though the controlling part of him wasn't extreme, it did however leave me feeling uneasy.

I have no plans to go back to him, I am actually currently moving into my new home by the end of the month.

However we do meet once a week for a coffee or a drink and see each other when dropping dcs off etc. It's nice to see him looking better, it's nice to see him looking after himself and putting things together - he says things are finally clicking for him but he knows he still has a long way to go. He admits he was (emotionally) abusive and he is full of remorse.

I see posts all the time where the OP wants to leave or has already left and the responses are always 'he will never change'.....am I mad to think change may not be impossible for my H?

To add - I'm in therapy also, I'm working on my self esteem, I've never done so much work on myself and I'm loving it! If we were to reconcile, it would be the smallest of baby steps. He also says he would never want to live together again until he's finished his therapy and he's certain things will be better. Something I never imagined he would say in a million years.

Yes people can and do change. But they have to put the work in to do it. Ie with therapy or assistance of some kind. I think the posts of people saying ltb, he won't change, are referring more to a situation where they say they will change, to get their own way... meanwhile they do nothing at all and then life just carries on unchanged.

Many people have turned their lives around. My alcoholic friend hasn't had a drink in 14 years. His wife had left as she couldn't take it anymore. He started at AA and he put the work in, they are back together.

I think you have a good view of the situation. You do need to look out for you now, and your H the same. How it pans out going forward is up to both of you individually.

The thing is, if you hadn't left, would he have changed? It sounds to me like you have done him a huge favour by stopping any enabling behaviour, and showing him that his life was not working the way he was doing it. Your leaving is what has persuaded him that he needs to change: you took away his crutch and let him fall to his lowest point.

Will you be keeping up therapy to work out exactly why it is that part of you wants to go back to him?

@ravenmum

The thing is, if you hadn't left, would he have changed? It sounds to me like you have done him a huge favour by stopping any enabling behaviour, and showing him that his life was not working the way he was doing it. Your leaving is what has persuaded him that he needs to change: you took away his crutch and let him fall to his lowest point.

Will you be keeping up therapy to work out exactly why it is that part of you wants to go back to him?

I don't know if I do to be honest. It may come across on this post like I do, I understand that. But it's more of maybe shock that he has actually come as far as he has, I didn't expect that for a moment so I need to figure out what that means for me. Like I say, I'm proud of him. I know he's needed it for years but it was a waste of my energy trying to get him to go.

It's hard, I obviously always wanted him to get help so much, but now he's on his journey, I'm left with confusion of what to do with it.

But in answer to your question, yes my therapy is continuing. I'm also working with a woman's charity where I'm doing courses on self esteem and confidence boosting as well as an art and craft course which I absolutely love. There's no stopping me in terms of my progression

OP you do know he wouldn't have changed

@girlmom21

OP you do know he wouldn't have changed

If I would of stayed with him? No probably not but then neither would I!

@girlmom21

OP you do know he wouldn't have changed

I left him for myself. Nothing to do with him. I'm not standing up to him but my leaving with absolutely nothing to do with a hope that he would change. I left because of my own mental health, I was scared as I was going on a downward spiral.

Though I do see what your saying and I appreciate it. But what's more important to me is that I'm in a better place now and I've got the help I needed

@blinder

I see people changing every day. People don’t change unless they want to, and it seems like your ex genuinely does.

I like your balance of openness and patience. Who knows how things will turn out, but in the meantime you are being friends to each other. That is valuable in itself.

Congratulations on taking action that seems to have set good things on motion for both of you

This.

On posts here when people say ' Your H won't change' its because the man is showing no signs of wanting to change yet the woman is still asking for ways she can repair the relationship.

Hes saying the right things.

But you say yourself you dont want a relationship. So it's off the cards.

You are both better than you've been in years. Best possible outcome. Going backwards doesnt move you forward.

@RealBecca

Hes saying the right things.

But you say yourself you dont want a relationship. So it's off the cards.

You are both better than you've been in years. Best possible outcome. Going backwards doesnt move you forward.

It wouldn't be going backwards because OP says she wouldn't go back to living her old life. That doesn't rule out a new future for them both, together.

@RealBecca

Hes saying the right things.

But you say yourself you dont want a relationship. So it's off the cards.

You are both better than you've been in years. Best possible outcome. Going backwards doesnt move you forward.

I have to say I politely disagree with he's just saying the right things. Actions speak louder than words and for the first time, he is seeing things in a new light. He's letting go of painful things in his life - finally spreading the ashes of his parent which was always way too painful for him.

However I agree with you on the whole relationship part, more than likely too much damage sadly. But I'm proud of us both.

Hmm. Is it possible that being apart from you is what's brought about the change? If maybe some insecurities about your relationship (for example) lead to the need for control and now he's no longer feeling that.

I'm not a horrible person, but I can be horrible when I'm unhappy.

@autobarn I absolutely would never go back to my old life! Not a chance.

This is why it's so important for both people to get help after an abusive/toxic relationship ends. I've had to realise my self worth.

I don't for a second justify what H has done to me over the years, there's no excuse. But I have to take my part in it that I was a complete people pleaser. Sadly due to my childhood, I've realised I try to please people constantly to gain love in return. H has obviously taken and taken from me. It's been a co dependant relationship that we've each learned about in therapy. I was so so unhappy and he was a large part of that but I can't for a second let him take all the blame. It's me aswell.

I know people can say he would of never of changed if I didn't leave him. It's true. But one of us had to break the cycle and it's turned out to be a positive thing for us both thankfully. And hopefully for our dcs also!

You will always have 2 views
Go with your gut and take baby steps

How old are your dc OP?

I think the issue with emotional abuse is you think what they say and do won't change you and then you end up completely not yourself anymore and seeking validation from them with them in control.

I had to split up with my ex h because of emotional abuse that stemmed from his awful childhood. It was really hard for me to let go as I could see how nice he was on his inside if that makes sense. He's now started therapy but it's not helping him, he's playing the victim and getting validated for it.

I wouldn't trust that he wouldn't revert back to his damaging patterns and what you'll be showing your dc. But you have to make a decision really, either move on with this new start and cut the emotional tie with him, or maybe date him for a few years until the dc are older. If you want to put yourself back in the firing line then you're an adult and can make that decision, but don't let your dc be a part of that.

@QweenBea

You will always have 2 views Go with your gut and take baby steps

Yes I saw these replies both together and thought there's going to be no general majority thinking over this which I completely understand.

I don't expect an answer on what to do, I just suppose I wondered if this beginning change ever happens as it's rarely seen on Mumsnet

You say his emotional abuse was that he shouted and then you talk about screaming at him.

It seems both of you were unhealthy and needed to leave the relationship to get therapy and to get help and to change.

Of course people change. Very few people are completely stagnant throughout life and there would be no point to therapy if people couldn't change. Trauma impacts men as well - it isn't a woman's disease and creates unhealthy coping and thinking and acting patterns.

Right now both of you should just focus on getting as healthy as you can for your own sake and the sake of your children. Down the road you can decide if the two of you as healthy adults are a good fit. You might have only been a good fit originally as dysfunctional adults.

@JiannaTheWitchQueen

How old are your dc OP?

I think the issue with emotional abuse is you think what they say and do won't change you and then you end up completely not yourself anymore and seeking validation from them with them in control.

I had to split up with my ex h because of emotional abuse that stemmed from his awful childhood. It was really hard for me to let go as I could see how nice he was on his inside if that makes sense. He's now started therapy but it's not helping him, he's playing the victim and getting validated for it.

I wouldn't trust that he wouldn't revert back to his damaging patterns and what you'll be showing your dc. But you have to make a decision really, either move on with this new start and cut the emotional tie with him, or maybe date him for a few years until the dc are older. If you want to put yourself back in the firing line then you're an adult and can make that decision, but don't let your dc be a part of that.

One is a teenager and the other pre teen.

What you've said about being in the firing line has hit me as that's what I don't want - obviously! I could never go back to that. On one hand, I think he knows that. I've been very honest with him about my therapy and about how I am learning about what is and isn't acceptable. I've made it clear that I am not going backwards. I've changed my appearance, everything. I won't go back to that person I was but I also don't want to give him a chance to try it.

My ex changed in a similar way to yours but it took me leaving to make him do it. He didn't do it to win me back but because thst what made him realise something had to change or he'd never be happy. I'm really pleased for him, pleased for his kids and we are still on friendly terms (he and my DH get on well too).

I have to say I really respect you for making the difficult decision to leave and get the help you needed to make you a more fulfilled happier person and to right the issues of your childhood.

I think its seriously impressive that your DH has put all the work in. This doesn't sound like its been a quick process for either of you. How long were you none contact? and how long has he now been engaged with therapy? Either way he does sound committed to changing long term, difficult behaviours, which is to be commended.

I think you've probably both still got a way to go before even considering a relationship outside of co-parenting at the moment.

But i wish you both the best. The work put in so far will have massively positive effects on the children and will definitely stand you both in good stead for the future.

@Natty13

My ex changed in a similar way to yours but it took me leaving to make him do it. He didn't do it to win me back but because thst what made him realise something had to change or he'd never be happy. I'm really pleased for him, pleased for his kids and we are still on friendly terms (he and my DH get on well too).

What a lovely outcome! My gut/hope is that ours maybe similar providing we continue on the same path.

I think for us it's just all too soon. From Hs point, he's coming to terms with what he witnessed as a child has determined how he's been in adult life. He's not really focusing on us which is how it should be.

I'm the same, my therapy now has moved on from H. He's mentioned each week but therapy is now about me, building my boundaries and my future.

I suppose it's just nice to chat to him, it's nice to hear how he's getting on, its painful for him and I want to be supportive without moving away from my own journey. We're communicating better than we ever have done.

Time will tell I suppose, it's been 6 months of just awfulness so if anything, I'm just pleased that we're over that part.

I found leaving my ex and staying away really hard because of my own codependency. I recently discovered I've been mimicking my dms relationships my whole life and she always put what man she had foremost, she Nurtured him, mothered him and did everything she could as having a man and keeping him happy was her sole focus. I recently realised I've been doing the same although on a lesser scale. If you grow up seeing that it's really hard to break away from that pattern. You want that fairy tale and subconsciously think you won't be happy without him.

I don't know if your ex has changed or not. He might well have. All around us we have the romanticism of staying together against all odds and being that special person to someone so that we can be happy. That our happiness depends on the validation of a partner. Recognising that and then doing something about it is going to be hard. Even if he has changed though, so what. Well done him. Doesn't mean he's going to stay changed.

Personally I think you should think about why you would forget any abuse and give someone another chance to do the same thing again. I think most emotionally healthy people would not give someone who abused them another chance. With codependent tendencies it will be very easy for you to get dragged back into it all over again.

@Wardrobes123

I have to say I really respect you for making the difficult decision to leave and get the help you needed to make you a more fulfilled happier person and to right the issues of your childhood.

I think its seriously impressive that your DH has put all the work in. This doesn't sound like its been a quick process for either of you. How long were you none contact? and how long has he now been engaged with therapy? Either way he does sound committed to changing long term, difficult behaviours, which is to be commended.

I think you've probably both still got a way to go before even considering a relationship outside of co-parenting at the moment.

But i wish you both the best. The work put in so far will have massively positive effects on the children and will definitely stand you both in good stead for the future.

Thank you so much! I'm proud of us too!

He's been in therapy about 5 months now, myself the full 6 months. I started a few days after I left.

We were no contact probably a good 10 - 12 weeks I'd say. We've been on speaking terms again for about 6 weeks ish.

We needed the no contact. It was painful but it was so needed. I had to learn what life was like without him and him me.

@JiannaTheWitchQueen

I found leaving my ex and staying away really hard because of my own codependency. I recently discovered I've been mimicking my dms relationships my whole life and she always put what man she had foremost, she Nurtured him, mothered him and did everything she could as having a man and keeping him happy was her sole focus. I recently realised I've been doing the same although on a lesser scale. If you grow up seeing that it's really hard to break away from that pattern. You want that fairy tale and subconsciously think you won't be happy without him.

I don't know if your ex has changed or not. He might well have. All around us we have the romanticism of staying together against all odds and being that special person to someone so that we can be happy. That our happiness depends on the validation of a partner. Recognising that and then doing something about it is going to be hard. Even if he has changed though, so what. Well done him. Doesn't mean he's going to stay changed.

Personally I think you should think about why you would forget any abuse and give someone another chance to do the same thing again. I think most emotionally healthy people would not give someone who abused them another chance. With codependent tendencies it will be very easy for you to get dragged back into it all over again.

That's the thing, I can't forget. I understand but I can't forget which could end up to me walking on egg shells again fearing that I may get shouted at again - even if he's changed and he can absolutely guarantee he wouldn't, that doesn't ease my anxiety of what I was sort of used too. If that makes sense. I can't go back to that. And I won't go back to that.

But I'm hoping that with my eyes wide open and my boundaries firm in place that I'll learn in any future relationship I might have. I've still got a lot of work to do on myself but I'm so glad I've made a good start

Well OP.. you have changed through therapy, growth, personal awareness etc.. Why is it your dexh won't or can't either.
It seems here in mn we consider men unable to change for good, and yet women can... Mmmm....

@Theredjellybean

Well OP.. you have changed through therapy, growth, personal awareness etc.. Why is it your dexh won't or can't either. It seems here in mn we consider men unable to change for good, and yet women can... Mmmm....

Absolutely, no matter what the outcome, I just want the best for him and want the dcs to have the best version of him that they can.

I'd love to be able to come back here in a couple of years and say he's better than ever, keeping everything crossed that I can