Do you think my story is different from the norm?

[gurly]

I left H 6 months ago, took the dcs and have been living with family ever since.

Reasons were feeling unloved, taken advantage of, slightly controlling, only thinking about himself.

I left, put myself in therapy and watched as H suffered a breakdown, he went to the lowest point.

H then put himself in therapy and despite my gut feeling that he wouldn't, he has actually stuck at it. He has an extremely traumatic childhood behind him (no excuse I know) plus a suicide of one of his parents. I tried to get him in therapy for years but he was adamant he didn't need it.

Anyway, he's sticking at therapy, he's joined a gym, he's stopped wasting money, he's doing more with the dcs and he isn't pressuring me to come home - he was practically harassing me when i left.

The controlling part of him he now realises is down to what he witnessed as a child - though the controlling part of him wasn't extreme, it did however leave me feeling uneasy.

I have no plans to go back to him, I am actually currently moving into my new home by the end of the month.

However we do meet once a week for a coffee or a drink and see each other when dropping dcs off etc. It's nice to see him looking better, it's nice to see him looking after himself and putting things together - he says things are finally clicking for him but he knows he still has a long way to go. He admits he was (emotionally) abusive and he is full of remorse.

I see posts all the time where the OP wants to leave or has already left and the responses are always 'he will never change'.....am I mad to think change may not be impossible for my H?

To add - I'm in therapy also, I'm working on my self esteem, I've never done so much work on myself and I'm loving it! If we were to reconcile, it would be the smallest of baby steps. He also says he would never want to live together again until he's finished his therapy and he's certain things will be better. Something I never imagined he would say in a million years.

Op, I didn’t mean you wanted to go back the house. I think you know that, I meant you wanted to get back with him.

It’s been six months, you’re already declaring how wonderful he is, it’s only been six months, no one gets over their issues and changes in six months, and you’ve only been speaking to him six weeks and you’re already considering getting back in the relationship.

Can you honestly not see it? You’re trying to justify it to yourself that some magical miracle fairy tale has occured.

Please go with caution. Yours is sadly an age old tale. So many wonen go back to their abusers, becayse they say and do the right things, and the next time it’s worse, and they are back on here lamenting they went back

Go with caution, but I think simply meeting him a handful of times over a six week period and you’ve already went back emotionally. And feel excited by the prospect.

Maybe you two can talk about being good friends with the possibility of a future relationship but should live separately and deal separately with your own issues for a good amount of time first.

From there you both can make a decision if you'll only ever remain friends and move on or not.

It sounds as though you've both made progress however for him it's unfortunately taken the realisation he's destroyed his relationship with the woman he loves in order for him to confront his issues.

@Adeleskirts

Op, I didn’t mean you wanted to go back the house. I think you know that, I meant you wanted to get back with him.

It’s been six months, you’re already declaring how wonderful he is, it’s only been six months, no one gets over their issues and changes in six months, and you’ve only been speaking to him six weeks and you’re already considering getting back in the relationship.

Can you honestly not see it? You’re trying to justify it to yourself that some magical miracle fairy tale has occured.

Please go with caution. Yours is sadly an age old tale. So many wonen go back to their abusers, becayse they say and do the right things, and the next time it’s worse, and they are back on here lamenting they went back

Go with caution, but I think simply meeting him a handful of times over a six week period and you’ve already went back emotionally. And feel excited by the prospect.

I think you are completely misinterpreting what I'm saying? Where have I said he's wonderful? Where have I said I'm excited to meet him or I think I'm going back?

I haven't said any of these things. I don't think he's 'wonderful', I've said I'm proud of him which I am and there's nothing wrong with that.

I've not said I'm excited to meet him...I'm not really. I don't look forward to seeing him once a week but neither do I dread it.

I genuinely want the best for him as well as myself. I haven't anywhere in this thread said I'm going back. I've been very clear in that I'm extremely cautious and the main focus is myself.

I've just spent a lot of time on Mumsnet over the last 6 months/year and I've seen a lot of threads stating that they never change. I never even expected my H to even try.

I really hope you can rebuild
People can and do take themselves on
Process with caution
But someone with his past deserves happiness

As do you

But agree to go slow

think you are completely misinterpreting what I'm saying? Where have I said he's wonderful? Where have I said I'm excited to meet him or I think I'm going back?*

Because you keep saying things like"whatever the outcome" and "time will tell" (they're direct quotes), how you're communicating better than ever, and repeatedly talking about 'us'. Not to mention that you are literally calling him 'H' not 'ex'.

It's great you have made progress. It does seem very much that you're still mentally in a relationship of some sort. Unfortunately, there is not an 'us' any more, in this way. And it reads very very dramatically that deep down you are seeing a long term redemption arc here, and maybe that's something else to explore in therapy, as it seems likely to trip you up when you least expect it.

He also says he would never want to live together again until he's finished his therapy and he's certain things will be better. Something I never imagined he would say in a million years.

0And yes I stand by what I said, baby steps would be the absolute only option if we were to consider re starting our marriage

I'd love to be able to come back here in a couple of years and say he's better than ever, keeping everything crossed that I can

You stand firm that you can’t see it and are absolutely not considering taking him back after six weeks if weekly meetings, so six meeting?

understand but I can't forget which could end up to me walking on egg shells again fearing that I may get shouted at again - even if he's changed and he can absolutely guarantee he wouldn't, that doesn't ease my anxiety of what I was sort of used too. If that makes sense

I have to say I politely disagree with he's just saying the right things

i didn't expect to get to this point with him. I didn't expect him to stay in therapy. I didn't expect any of it. I'm proud of him

Sorry I don’t know why it hadn’t added, but you can’t see it and habe no desire to be involved with him again after six coffee meetings?

@Orchidsonthetable @OverTheRubicon

I understand what's being said however it's the you and others just pounce on what I've said and twist it. Like you just assume we've had '6 coffee meetings'

I said we've been back in contact for 6 weeks ish, that doesn't mean we've met up 6 times likes automatically assumed! It took a good couple of weeks to get to that point. On my terms.

And yes time will tell and whatever the outcome...Who knows! I didn't actually start this thread saying that I didn't want him back! My thread was about wether any of these usual LTB threads actually have an outcome where they go to therapy and to sort themselves out.

But just to say again....I'm moving away from H (and no I won't stop calling him 'H' but at least it's not DH) and starting my new life with no plan of us getting back to together. But in the future....if he carries on the right path then it's not something I'd rule out. But I'm not holding my breathe either. I've worked too hard on myself.

I call him H because I care for him very much and I actually want him to recover. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Why would I want anything other than that for him? I'm not going to spend my life being bitter and full of hate for him!

I want my dcs to have the best version of their dad that they can and I want them to see a difference in him. There's nothing wrong with that.

I call him H because I care for him very much and I actually want him to recover

It's great you care and of course want the best for your DCs especially. Nevertheless, I care very much for an addict friend and wish for her to recover - but this does not mean I refer to her as my wife. Do you refer to him as your husband in front of your DCs? Because that would be so confusing for them. Or if you're keeping it secret and just in your head and on here - then it speaks a bit to your hidden desires.

All of us are saying this to you with supportive intentions. Many of us (certainly me) have been where you are before. It's very hard to truly detach when there's a little hint of Disney future in your head, and in some ways even harder when you can't acknowledge that feeling. As another pp said, it also feels that it will therefore come as a horrible shock to you at some point soon when you realise that he's hit Tinder and found any number of available women (because even if he has a lot to work on, unfortunately, the dating bar for men in their 30/40s is on the floor, maybe even underground - if he's solvent, not actively unkind, and actually single he'll already by ahead of half the other guys that many women will meet on there).

Yes people can change. Of course they can.

Unfortunately most people who are abusive don't want to change, or don't think they should have to change, and don't care enough about the people around them to change. By nature they don't ever put other people first, so why would they spend time working on themselves when they can just live as they like and stuff everyone else?

But when someone genuinely wants to change, enough to put the work in, to seek proper help, to be patient, to understand that other people may still not forgive them, to stick with it - it's very possible.

It's true your husband may well have not made any changes if you hadn't left him. Now he needs time - lots of it - to make long term changes. It's far too soon to say he's changed for good. Of course it's much better for your children if he manages to sustain a change, and I can see why it would make you happy. But please keep reminding yourself that your relationship is over. If you were to go back now then there is a good chance the old dynamic would revert.

The way I look at it, being together didn't bring out the best in him.
Being apart has made him into a better person (for now, hopefully for longer).

it is wonderful for your children if you can have a civil relationship going forward.

You can care about him, wish the best for him, and not want to have him as your partner. I see no signs you should get back together.

People can change if they want to and see that they need to. It sounds like he has. You both sound like you are approaching this very sensitively and respectfully and maturely.