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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He just seems selfish now

103 replies

Richtea2 · 09/03/2022 12:43

My partner just can't work at the moment which is out of his control. I try and support him with my wages which is not much as I work part time. Due to my health issues I can't really do full time but I try and do extra hours.
So because he bored and fed up and he does help round the house. I pay for him to do this bootcamp classes each week which I pay monthly. Today he says to me that there's a trip for £30 with his bootcamp. I just sat at the table while he is telling me and just kept myself quiet.
I can't afford to pay for that and to be honest I want him to stop the bootcamp until he starts working. It sounds bad but really feel upset with this whole situation with him and starting to resent him. I just didn't sign up for this.
I help him so much with money and give him money to go see his friends. I try saying to him that not everything he can attend. I need my hair done really badly but do more for him than myself.
It's like he asked me for £30 and he could been like I won't go we don't have the money. And I helped him by giving money to his family and it's like too much.
I just can't do it no more.
I love him but feel used at times. I still got to look after our son and that's hard enough.
I feel like I resent him for putting me all through this situation which I can't talk about. But some things he don't need surely I am not overreacting here.
I even payed for him and I to go to this party he was invited too. Like each party he just can't attend and expect me to pay for.
I just don't know what to say to him.
Any advice?

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 09/03/2022 12:44

Why can't he work?

pinkyredrose · 09/03/2022 12:46

He's a useless lump. He 'helps' around the house does he? Hmm

HollowTalk · 09/03/2022 12:49

He's using you, OP. If he isn't working he should be doing everything around the house and he shouldn't be asking for money for things like this. Is he the father of your child/ren?

rookiemere · 09/03/2022 12:51

Well he is being ridiculous, but you're enabling him by forcing yourself to be silent. He's acting like a teen , so I'd treat him like one ( or get rid).
I earn X amount, which leaves y amount spare per month for both of us. I can't afford £30 for your social event. I pay for your Boot Camp because it's exercise and good for you, but I can see you've picked up the wrong idea."

pog100 · 09/03/2022 12:53

What do you say? No! Simple as that.

Original poster
Richtea2 · 09/03/2022 13:01

@rookiemere

Well he is being ridiculous, but you're enabling him by forcing yourself to be silent. He's acting like a teen , so I'd treat him like one ( or get rid). I earn X amount, which leaves y amount spare per month for both of us. I can't afford £30 for your social event. I pay for your Boot Camp because it's exercise and good for you, but I can see you've picked up the wrong idea."
That's what it feels like I have another teenager here. I said to him about stopping before but because he already depressed sitting thought it's something to get him out. Then I was about go join a bootcamp myself but can't do it now. I just feel like ending this relationship but stuck. I know once he starts working things will be okay. But now it's delayed because of something. Just want the whole situation over with and whatever happens to him I got my job, son, flat and everything. I just so angry and him. He knows even that money he wants can go towards something else which is more important. This why I am going to speak to a therapist. Messed up my life getting involved with him. I feel trapped and no way out.
OP posts:
needingpeace · 09/03/2022 13:03

He should be temping or doing all the childcare and housework until he’s back at work. You are being used.

needingpeace · 09/03/2022 13:03

He can do free youtube exercise videos

OhMygodddd · 09/03/2022 13:04

Just kick him out, he isn’t your problem, I don’t know why you think he is?

needingpeace · 09/03/2022 13:04

Or go for a run. That’s free. He’s using you

needingpeace · 09/03/2022 13:05

Tell him you want him out. You’re sick of paying for it all and having nothing for yourself. Make him go. Is your son his?

Original poster
Richtea2 · 09/03/2022 13:10

@HollowTalk

He's using you, OP. If he isn't working he should be doing everything around the house and he shouldn't be asking for money for things like this. Is he the father of your child/ren?
He is my partner of 4 years. To him we are married but our marriage not registered. Again a delay in that too.

He holding me back and he caught me looking at holidays this morning. I have been doing so much for myself lately stopped doing things for him because he worse than my ex.
I just feel down and try and put this whole situation with him aside but it's affecting everything in my life. I can't concentrate on things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Richtea2 · 09/03/2022 15:26

It's been sorted out now.

Just I know it's not him not working. Just this situation is what it is.

If he didn't cook for me or clean or was good with my son who he took as his own. I would tell him to go but he just good guy with that dark cloud over him.
Whatever happens with me in the future I kind of prepared for it now

OP posts:
MintJulia · 09/03/2022 15:31

If you want to stay with him, you have to learn to say no, and stick to it.

You can't afford what he is asking for so the answer is no, and that's the end of the discussion.

Georgeskitchen · 09/03/2022 15:42

If he can go to a bootcamp why can he work? There is plenty of employment available at the moment. All sorts of companies are crying out for staff. He's taking the piss. What do you mean by your marriage not being registered? It's registered on the day you get married. He's a loser

CrumpetStrumpet · 09/03/2022 15:43

What do you mean by your marriage isn't registered? You're either married or you're not.

You sound so resigned op. You don't have to live like this.

JovialNickname · 09/03/2022 15:47

I assume the marriage is not legally recognised in the UK, and he's not allowed to work as only has documents that entitle him to live here not work here maybe

minmooch · 09/03/2022 15:49

Why do so many women set their bar so low?

If he lives with you he doesn't 'help' around the house. That's just part of living as an adult.

You and your son come first.

If there is no money for his boot camp then he gets out in the fresh air and does free exercise - walking/running/most parks have outside gym equipment now.

Just learn to say no.

He's bored? Oh fucking didums- get him out of the house working and pulling his weight.

Original poster
Richtea2 · 09/03/2022 18:08

@Georgeskitchen

If he can go to a bootcamp why can he work? There is plenty of employment available at the moment. All sorts of companies are crying out for staff. He's taking the piss. What do you mean by your marriage not being registered? It's registered on the day you get married. He's a loser
He is someone who likes to work but can't. One he can he won't be around much.

He knows I do a lot. Just want him to think when he mentions things to me. Like again sometime going on in his church and told him I won't be going. Like we agreed can't go all the time..he have to get money from his family.
Especially if we got to go away 2 days in April again.

OP posts:
2DogsOnMySofa · 09/03/2022 19:19

I'd lay it out in a spreadsheet for him.

This is what's left, I need my hair done, you want to do x and we need to save for a short holiday. Which do you want to want to do?

As for 'helping', he's not helping, he lives there too and he needs to understand if he's not working he needs to focus his efforts in other areas

Gemmathecat · 09/03/2022 19:19

You don’t have a partner you have a child

ErickBroch · 09/03/2022 20:44

Does he have a criminal conviction? I can't think of why else he 'can't work' ?

PeacefulPrune · 09/03/2022 20:50

I feel like I resent him for putting me all through this situation which I can't talk about

Why can't you talk about it?

Apart from bootcamp what is he doing to tackle his mental health issues?

Why are you taking responsibility for him?

If you were struggling with money and your mental health do you think he would do the same for you?

lechatnoir · 09/03/2022 20:53

Why can't he work op? If it's lack of work visa or criminal conviction then he's using you and you need to take a serious look at why you're allowing yourself to be used like this.

Does he has a physical disability (you're suggest he will work soon so I'm guessing not plus if he's ok for boot camp there's definitely work out for him? Does he have a formally diagnosed mental illness? And if so what treatment is he undergoing? Unless I'd seen proof or firm evidence to support this, I wouldn't be trusting what he tells you as he sounds like he living the bloody life of riley at your expense!!

vampirewellness · 09/03/2022 20:54

Why can't he work?

Do you own your home?

I'd want to just kick him out.