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Original poster

I've never told my husband of the surgery I had

80 replies

thatsnotmynamey · 08/03/2022 21:39

I've been married to my husband for one year now, we are talking about children together and we are open and honest apart from one thing.
When I was still at high school I had a lot of work done on my teeth, I even had surgery to improve my jaw. I wasn't terrible before but it certainly improved my face. I have told my husband about the fact I had terrible teeth and he's seen photos of when I was a child but I've never told him of the surgery part, I'm so deeply ashamed. He is always telling me how beautiful I am and I feel like a scam artist, I'm not beautiful really. I wish I'd told him when we had first met and now it wouldn't be such a big deal. Is it a big deal? Sometimes it takes over all my thoughts and I feel so bad, but most of the time I forget.
The only time I feel really bad is when he tells me I'm beautiful or that he wants a future child to look like me and I say I'm not beautiful and he should have seen me before the work on my teeth.
Is it too late to tell him? Can I not tell him and just see if he finds out through family and deal with that when it's brought up? I just can't bring myself to shatter the illusion he has that I'm beautiful. Help

OP posts:
1224boom · 08/03/2022 21:44

I don't think this is going to be as big a deal as you think it is. Just tell him it was recommended by your dentist at the time. I'd just tell him as you are clearly finding it all very stressful and I honestly don't see why he would care at all? You are you. We all have a past. It's going to be fine xxx

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 08/03/2022 21:46

Tut thought you were going to say gender reassignment..
Teeth fixed is surely incidental??!!
Grin

Notwithittoday · 08/03/2022 21:47

No need to tell him

Peachy7 · 08/03/2022 21:47

I had what I imagine is the same surgery, braces, overbite, jaws broken and moved, then pinned and plated. Not really sure why you're embarrassed about it, and it's also really not a big deal. Your kids won't necessarily have the same thing, my friends is quite bad, her kids don't have it. I think you're probably worrying about nothing.

FairyCakeWings · 08/03/2022 21:49

It’s not as big a deal as you think it is. Presumably he’s aware you had some kind of dental treatment as a teenager, it doesn’t matter that he doesn’t know the details.

Mykittensmittens · 08/03/2022 21:50

Goodness you’re overthinking, in the nicest way.

I had a massive overbite. I had 6 teeth removed, lower jaw broken, insertion into lower jaw to join bone up, face wired up for weeks while it healed, then 3 years of fixed braces and removable braces and retainers after that.

Ironically my kids have ended up with my DHs nice straight teeth and DH just looks at pre-teen photos of me now with admiration that I went through that ordeal. And I thank my parents who were very nervous to allow it at the time, but I’m bloody thankful they did now. I couldn’t bite an apple it was so pronounced.

sjxoxo · 08/03/2022 21:50

I had terrible teeth before I had years and years of braces- as did literally thousands of people- is it really that different?? I think you’re blowing it way out of proportion in your mind! We aren’t defined by the position of our teeth years ago. Let it go and enjoy the compliments! You have had surgery, you’re beautiful and he’s telling you that you are beautiful to him. All of those statements are true, and the first statement has no bearing on the following two truths. Be kinder to yourself xoxox

RoyKentsChestHair · 08/03/2022 21:50

If it’s eating you up then tell him, or you’ll spend the rest of your life feeling bad.

FWIW as part of my DD’s orthodontics she had to wear a contraption to help her jaw grow in the right way. It’s not vanity, it’s part of the dentistry as I’m sure yours was if your teeth were as bad as you say.

Honestly just mention it in passing - maybe when you’re talking about children maybe say you hope your DCs don’t inherit your dental issues as all the work and surgery you had to have to straighten them was difficult for you. He’ll understand Flowers

Horological · 08/03/2022 21:53

This is not a big deal at all! You could tell him and I would be very surprised indeed if it bothered him in any way.
Alternatively you could decide to not tell him and that would not be a big deal either. It’s just a very normal thing that you did. Many people wouldn’t tell their partner simply because they forgot they had it done. Because it’s not a big deal.

Original poster
thatsnotmynamey · 08/03/2022 21:54

@Peachy7 yes I had an overbite
I had braces that radically improved it and surgery to finish off. Another girl in my year at school had the exact same surgery. I now have lovely teeth and look after them however I'm so ashamed.
I overheard my sister talking about my surgery to a friend at a party and I broke into a cold sweat and almost had a panic attack, I steered my husband away and later asked her not to mention it, she agreed not to but said I owed it to him to tell him. I think it all relates to my insecurity, I was badly bullied at school and I suppose I reinvented myself a bit

OP posts:
Blueuggboots · 08/03/2022 21:55

I really think you're over reacting in the nicest
possible way. I wouldn't even think about it!!!

Lurking9to5 · 08/03/2022 21:56

Was it maxilofacial surgery?

I think you should just tell him. They may not inherit that. maybe they'll inherit his ears!

Has he seen pictures of you as a young child at your parents' house?

springtimeishereagain · 08/03/2022 21:58

Wow, why are you ashamed or worried? You were brave to go through the surgery!

Does he need to know? It sounds like essential surgery. And even if you had a tummy tuck, it's your body and none of anyone else's business, unless you want to share it with them.

Lurking9to5 · 08/03/2022 21:58

Ps if a child of yours need the same surgery you will know exactly how to navigate that. So it will not feel like a bigger deal than it is.

LizzieSiddal · 08/03/2022 21:59

Don’t let him find out from someone else. Just tell him that part of getting your teeth fixed was also jaw surgery. It’s not an uncommon situation and nothing to be ashamed of.

Lurking9to5 · 08/03/2022 21:59

I agree that you don't OWE him ever single piece of medical history.

I would just joke openly about having had braces for YEARS

Original poster
thatsnotmynamey · 08/03/2022 21:59

@Lurking9to5 I'm actually not too sure, I had an underdeveloped jaw and protruding top teeth due to thumb sucking, I was 17 I think when I had the surgery but it was a bit of a whirlwind and I don't really discuss it anymore.
I was quite a pretty little girl but I went through a horrendous stage at around 13-16 where there arnt any photos as I didn't let anyone take any. However lots of photos of me as a child, we have a few in our house

OP posts:
Hotcuppatea · 08/03/2022 22:02

Have you considered speaking to a therapist about how you're feeling? I don't think this is about your surgery. Its about your self esteem. You sound as though you think of yourself as fake and that everyone is going to eventually find out that you're still that girl with the overbite.

I bet you were beautiful then and you're beautiful now. You just might need a bit of a hand to see it that way for yourself.

Thatsplentyjack · 08/03/2022 22:03

This is not a big deal OP. Just tell him. Why on earth do you think it will change his opinion of you now?

LizzieSiddal · 08/03/2022 22:03

I was quite a pretty little girl but I went through a horrendous stage at around 13-16 where there arnt any photos as I didn't let anyone take any. However lots of photos of me as a child, we have a few in our house

This is exactly the same as my Dd! She had braces for years, and at one stage jaw surgery was spoken about, if the braces hadn’t worked she would have had it. My Dd is now a very beautiful 30 year old, she doesn’t feel guilty because she needed braces to sort out her teeth and jaw issues and neither should you!

Lurking9to5 · 08/03/2022 22:04

I don't think the years 13 to 16 are the easiest!

CousinKrispy · 08/03/2022 22:04

Aw OP I am sure you are beautiful but I know it is devastating to be bullied over your looks when you are young.

I agree that you should tell him so you don't have to worry about him finding out some other way, and that it's nothing to be embarrassed about, it was simply part of correcting your overbite which also contributes to your dental health.

Would you consider counseling to try to build your confidence around talking about it with him?

JohannSebastianBach · 08/03/2022 22:05

I don't understand why you are ashamed. It's not as though you had any control over wonky teeth.
I had terrible teeth and a bad cross bit. I had teeth taken out and several different braces and now I have nice teeth. It wasn't my fault they needed fixing.

Shame is a horrible feeling. Why do you think that you feel that way?

Original poster
thatsnotmynamey · 08/03/2022 22:08

I suppose I could get counselling, I had a terrible time at school and told nobody about how bad it was, I was even suicidal for a part of it. I actually used to keep the bullying to myself too and I've told nobody about it but my husband, my mum knew to a degree at the time but not to the extent of how low I got over it. It was all just a terrible time for me
I've never connected the bullying to the insecurities about my teeth and surgery but maybe it's all linked

OP posts:
fruitypancake · 08/03/2022 22:08

It sounds to be like you could use some personal therapy to help you to embrace the new you. Definitely nothing to be ashamed of x