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Original poster

I've never told my husband of the surgery I had

80 replies

thatsnotmynamey · 08/03/2022 21:39

I've been married to my husband for one year now, we are talking about children together and we are open and honest apart from one thing.
When I was still at high school I had a lot of work done on my teeth, I even had surgery to improve my jaw. I wasn't terrible before but it certainly improved my face. I have told my husband about the fact I had terrible teeth and he's seen photos of when I was a child but I've never told him of the surgery part, I'm so deeply ashamed. He is always telling me how beautiful I am and I feel like a scam artist, I'm not beautiful really. I wish I'd told him when we had first met and now it wouldn't be such a big deal. Is it a big deal? Sometimes it takes over all my thoughts and I feel so bad, but most of the time I forget.
The only time I feel really bad is when he tells me I'm beautiful or that he wants a future child to look like me and I say I'm not beautiful and he should have seen me before the work on my teeth.
Is it too late to tell him? Can I not tell him and just see if he finds out through family and deal with that when it's brought up? I just can't bring myself to shatter the illusion he has that I'm beautiful. Help

OP posts:

BigOlDingleSlinger69 · 09/03/2022 02:47

Most normal men aren’t going to be all hung about about a woman having a cosmetic surgery like a nose or boob job, let alone surgery to correct an overbite. I think your letting your own feelings build this up into a far bigger deal than it is.

Nancydrawn · 09/03/2022 02:51

Absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

And I honestly don't see how you've been deceitful. You told him you had bad teeth as a child/teenager. You didn't give him tons of detail about how you fixed them, but it's not as if you have never mentioned teeth to him in detail. I don't think you had to tell him anything, actually. But you did.

I echo the calls to talk to a counselor, especially to make sure you sort through your feelings before you try to start having children, when your feelings may well intensify.

PurpleSapphire · 09/03/2022 03:09

I had surgery on my nose as a teen (it fixed one problem and caused another which I can't be bothered am too scared to sort out). It's never occurred to me to tell anyone, it isn't a big deal. I honestly wouldn't worry about it.

Flickflak · 09/03/2022 03:26

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

TheSandgroper · 09/03/2022 03:31

Did just had your surgery. She was beautiful then and is beautiful now but it will take a long time for me to get over driving her to change her face permanently.

However, do keep in mind that your jaw has been set to prevent problems occurring later in life. When your friends will be complaining of headaches, painful jaw, not able to eat well, you ought to be in a much better place than them. Also, from her X-ray before and after, her trachea at the back of her throat is much wider. Very nice for her singing and probably very good for her future snoring (so to speak).

Bromse · 09/03/2022 04:29

You are very lucky indeed to have had parents prepared to pay for orthodontics and oral surgery. Mine were not and I would have benefitted at least from orthodontics, and a dentist who was child friendly and didn't hurt me. My mum's opinion was it was all a waste of money and the NHS was good enough whereas many other kids I knew had parents happy to avail themselves of extras.

I don't think it is a big deal that you had treatment, or why you feel guilty about it. All you need to say to your husband - if anything - is that you were lucky to go to go to a decent dentist and you wouldn't look so nice if you hadn't. Then forget it. Nowadays all children are able to access good dental treatment, including orthodontics, on the NHS. I wish it had been the same in my day.

StoppinBy · 09/03/2022 04:52

I don't think it would hurt to tell him but I don't think it's a big deal either.

If you tell him you will no longer feel like you have a skeleton in the closet.

My hubby has the same (sounds like it anyway) jaw/teeth as you and did not have the surgery, it's highly genetic in males in his family. Our daughter was born with a 'normal' jaw/teeth and our son does seem to have inherited his jaw/teeth so it may come up if you have kids and it may not, you wont know though until any kids you have start developing their jaw and getting teeth.

Therealdealio · 09/03/2022 05:35

Oh gosh, I’ve just had a nose job in my forties! My husband knows all about it, obviously. I don’t feel like a fraud.
Surely this was necessary for function, as well as appearance? None of my kids have inherited my nose anyway, so it’s not like you’ll necessarily be suddenly uncovered when they arrive.

thegoldenone · 09/03/2022 05:40

I wouldn't tell him at all . It's not a big deal . Also if my husband told me he had this done I would be like ok . Stop being harsh on your self op . Everyone is fake . It's the same as wearing make up of you think about it ❤️

thegoldenone · 09/03/2022 05:41

BlueLorikeet · 09/03/2022 05:54

Definitely no big deal, I had this done too and these are very common. I actually had mine whilst with my husband and he barely noticed. Couple months after the swelling gone down he went “Did you lose weight? Your cheekbones look slimmer” haha daft bugger :-)

TheBigDilemma · 09/03/2022 06:02

Tell him. You are carrying this as a big secret and that is a big burden to you. Release yourself from this burden, I honestly do not think he will care.

Girlmumdogmumboymum · 09/03/2022 06:04

[quote thatsnotmynamey]@Peachy7 yes I had an overbite
I had braces that radically improved it and surgery to finish off. Another girl in my year at school had the exact same surgery. I now have lovely teeth and look after them however I'm so ashamed.
I overheard my sister talking about my surgery to a friend at a party and I broke into a cold sweat and almost had a panic attack, I steered my husband away and later asked her not to mention it, she agreed not to but said I owed it to him to tell him. I think it all relates to my insecurity, I was badly bullied at school and I suppose I reinvented myself a bit [/quote]
This sounds like something myself and DD have. I had braces, which largely improved things, but have had it pointed out as an adult that my bottom jaw is far back... First pointed out to me by DDs dentist when she was about 9. DD started out with an 11 millimetre difference between her upper and lower jaw... we were told that it was quite extreme and was most likely to require surgery (when eating all of the pressure was on two teeth because they were the only ones that met from what the dentist explained)

Were still in the treatment process, teeth removal to help with positioning, a functional appliance, now train tracks and the lovely orthodontist is hopeful that DD can avoid jaw surgery... hopeful he says each time he sees her.

The surgery may have helped the way you saw yourself after all the bullying, kids can be horrible sometimes, and I understand why it has affected the way you view yourself, but that surgery was done to help the functionality of your jaw and help your teeth align better for their purpose. It wasn't a vanity project. Please try to be kind to yourself.

This really doesn't need to be a massive deal, but let him know because you're eating yourself up that he doesn't know.

Also, it's probably worth knowing, things have changed quite a lot since we were kids. Dentists don't tend to leave it quite so late for treatment.

Please try not to worry, and if you do have kids, they'll be perfect.

afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 06:16

Yanbu, OP. My in laws are always baffled that we don't have a guest room. Guess why we don't? (We also need that space, guests who aren't here don't).
Luckily DH is on board.

afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 06:17

OK weirdly I have ended up posting on a completely different tread to the one that I was on. Don't have a clue how that happened. Sorry!

speakout · 09/03/2022 06:25

OP you have had some good advice.
It really is no big deal, and you are not being deceiptful in anay way.
You had orthodontic work that included surgery, there is no skeleton in the closet.
If my OH told me this I would be mildly interested, no more.

I would also suggest counselling- your feeling surrounding this need an airing and allowed to lessen their grip.
You went through a difficult time, including being bullied, and this is colouring your ideas surrounding the procedures.

RandomBasic · 09/03/2022 07:11

I thought you were going to say gender reassignment or sterilisation. Dental work is no a big deal.

Briony123 · 09/03/2022 07:16

Your kids will probably look like him. They often do where there's a beautiful mother. It's sod's law. Shouldn't worry about it.

coldfeetmama · 09/03/2022 07:30

There is absolutely nothing for you to feel embarrassed or ashamed of

This was a medical procedure recommended to you by a health professional

I find this very sad you feel like this

Enjoy your life with your beautiful face and don't be surprised if any babies come out with his ears or funny shaped big toe ?

Will you love them any less ? Of course not

ClemDanFango · 09/03/2022 07:32

You’ve told him you’ve had work done on your teeth. What more is there to say?

TopCatsTopHat · 09/03/2022 08:19

I think you're husband would feel sad that you were carrying all this worry round with you and didn't feel you could share with him. When you love someone you want to uphold them and ease any distress, I think confide in him as this is a guild between you currently and that isn't what you want between your nearest and dearest. There are some things that are just personal and no need to share but when you're suffering and it's the Secret that's the cause I think shining some love and light on it is the way forward.

Calandor · 09/03/2022 09:43

Babe, kindly, I don't think he will give a fuck. It was jaw surgery not the removal of a second head or a sex change or something.

You just got your dental work done. Plenty of us have! I had several mouth surgeries at 13 and have never thought twice about it.

Just tell him, guarantee he'll say 'lol ok...'.

You are beautiful! Just because you had jaw surgery doesn't mean it's not your face!

CowsAreNotGreen · 09/03/2022 09:46

Why on earth is your sister telling as a story at parties?!

gunnersgold · 09/03/2022 09:46

If you had a undershot jaw then it will likely/ possibly be inherited to a child so he needs to know that surely ?
Wasn't there a court case where the husband sued the wife because she had cosmetic surgery on her face and his children were 'ugly' .. obvs this is extreme but if he is so stuck on beauty he will no doubt be upset ./ cross .

overnightangel · 09/03/2022 09:52

He will 100% not give a fuck, stop stressing.
I’d be more bothered about what a nasty cow your sister is

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