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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've never told my husband of the surgery I had

80 replies

thatsnotmynamey · 08/03/2022 21:39

I've been married to my husband for one year now, we are talking about children together and we are open and honest apart from one thing.
When I was still at high school I had a lot of work done on my teeth, I even had surgery to improve my jaw. I wasn't terrible before but it certainly improved my face. I have told my husband about the fact I had terrible teeth and he's seen photos of when I was a child but I've never told him of the surgery part, I'm so deeply ashamed. He is always telling me how beautiful I am and I feel like a scam artist, I'm not beautiful really. I wish I'd told him when we had first met and now it wouldn't be such a big deal. Is it a big deal? Sometimes it takes over all my thoughts and I feel so bad, but most of the time I forget.
The only time I feel really bad is when he tells me I'm beautiful or that he wants a future child to look like me and I say I'm not beautiful and he should have seen me before the work on my teeth.
Is it too late to tell him? Can I not tell him and just see if he finds out through family and deal with that when it's brought up? I just can't bring myself to shatter the illusion he has that I'm beautiful. Help

OP posts:
Original poster
thatsnotmynamey · 08/03/2022 22:11

I've never told anyone I was suicidal but I maybe wasn't really I just used to think about it a lot, I don't think I'd actually be able to ever do it. But it's the only time of my life I thought about it which is so sad because I was just a girl

OP posts:
Talkwhilstyouwalk · 08/03/2022 22:11

I'd let this one go! You are not lying to him or deceiving him and it's really not a big deal....

TopCatsTopHat · 08/03/2022 22:12

I think you're feelings on the matter are understandable but very much tied up in a personal perspective which is not akin to what most people likely including your dh would share.
Neither my sister or her dh have bad teeth yet her dc do in that they grow in strange places and have needed a lot of orthodontic treatment. It's really common.so your children won't necessarily have the same thing as you.
I agree with pp that you should tell your dh what's on your mind, it's eating you up, and doesn't need to. And see if you can get some help to unravel these thoughts you are unfairly carrying round.

Donson · 08/03/2022 22:19

I had jaw surgery and also a non-surgical procedure to widen the top of my mouth when I was a teen. It’s never occurred to me to mention it to my husband, or anyone that didn’t know me at the time. I’ve barely thought about it since.
With kindness OP, I think there’s more to this, as the shame you feel seems wildly disproportionate.

underneaththeash · 08/03/2022 22:21

Teeth? Don’t be daft!

venusandmars · 08/03/2022 22:25

When your dh looks at you he sees you as beautiful without looking at any specific feature. He may love your sparkling eyes, he may love your quirky smile, he may simply love the way your personality shines out. All of that would be the same with wonky teeth, a double chin, a broken nose. He loves you and therefore he sees you as beautiful.

You have been honest about your teeth, you're not trying to pretend that nothing has been done. Your experience will help you to be understanding when you own dc face concerns about how they change as they grow.

LizzieSiddal · 08/03/2022 22:35

Like others have said I’m sure Therapy could be really helpful for you. You can talk about what it was like for you when you were a teenager, I’m so sorry you had such a difficult time Flowers

noirchatsdeux · 08/03/2022 22:45

I had the exact same surgery when I was 19...after having a full metal brace on for four years. Including my wisdom teeth (all removed at the same time) I had a total of 10 teeth removed to correct my overbite. I then had surgery on my jaw. My teeth were so fucked from a combination of genetics and because I sucked my finger (not thumb) until the day they put the full brace on at age 15 ... my mother still thinks I'd stopped sucking it a good couple of years before I did. The only reason I stopped was because I knew the brace would rip my finger to shreds. It was a comfort thing, they only way I could get to sleep. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD a couple of years ago, I had an extremely stressful childhood.

This was back in the early 80s, when no-one in the UK had braces. I was the only person in my large high school that did. I've never had a moment's shame - why would I? If anyone should be ashamed it should be my parents, for putting me through such a shit childhood that I still felt the need to suck my finger until I was fucking 15.

Original poster
thatsnotmynamey · 08/03/2022 22:52

@noirchatsdeux that all sounds painfully familiar, I too am angry at my parents who sent me to one of the worst schools in the area and I was eaten alive as I was very sensitive.
I've just read through all the comments again and I feel so much happier, I thought I might get a few comments saying how deceitful I was being but it's been really refreshing and is making me believe it maybe isn't such a big deal and I can tell him

OP posts:
totallyoutnumbered · 08/03/2022 22:54

I totally agree with what the others have said. I also think it's pretty out of order for your sister to be discussing something so personal to you and insisting that you somehow owe him the truth. It's your truth and your past xx

noirchatsdeux · 08/03/2022 22:58

Me and my brothers spent our childhood being dragged around the world by my mother so she could keep an eye on my cheating father (he worked mainly abroad for the government in a diplomatic role) . We lived in mainly what were then called third world countries until I was 14, moving multiple times. We ended up missing nearly 3 years of primary/secondary education along the way.

I was diagnosed with cancer for the first time when I was 21, my younger brother had a heart attack at 30. But of course my mother still thinks she did the right thing 'staying for the children'...

Original poster
thatsnotmynamey · 08/03/2022 23:05

@totallyoutnumbered yes I was upset at the time and was on edge the whole evening. Later I asked her not to bring it up as I felt it was a long time ago and tbh I also feel I didn't really know what was going on, I just got swept along with it all. I wasn't a vain child at all, it wasn't done out of vanity it was more necessity. She said she wouldn't do it again but really thought I should, maybe that's another reason I feel bad for not saying anything

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 08/03/2022 23:06

So you’ve overcome a very difficult experience as a child. That’s something to be proud of not ashamed about. You’ve overcome bullying and surgery and will no doubt be a stronger person for it, better equipped to manage your own child’s growth and development than maybe your own parents were at the time.

Sswhinesthebest · 08/03/2022 23:11

Just bring the conversation round to the dental problems you had and just drop it into conversation as if it was not big deal - which it isn’t. If you don’t make it a big deal, he won’t either.

Geezabreak82 · 08/03/2022 23:19

Are you worried that your children will inherit the condition and your DH will be cross you didn’t tell him about it? I went to school with a girl who had similar surgery to correct an overbite and neither of her children inherited it. Even if they do your DH will love them anyway. I agree that you would benefit from therapy. This has obviously left a psychological scar on you.

urbanbuddha · 08/03/2022 23:20

Have you considered speaking to a therapist about how you're feeling? I don't think this is about your surgery. Its about your self esteem. You sound as though you think of yourself as fake and that everyone is going to eventually find out that you're still that girl with the overbite.

I agree with this.
The person you are now is you. Exactly the same as if you'd had a broken bone reset.

SiliconDioxide79 · 08/03/2022 23:21

Bullying makes the victim feel shame when there is no reason for them to feel shame. It takes a long time to get over that. If you are able to talk to someone about it it will hopefully help you and then you can talk to your husband when you are ready. Hope you can dump these feelings those people caused you and feel proud of your strength of character Flowers

WeNeedToTalkAboutBruno · 08/03/2022 23:22

I had a small surgery when I was a teenager, unlike you purely for cosmetic reasons, and although my husband knows about it as it’s just come up in conversation at some point, it was certainly not a big deal. I think if you tell your husband, you will feel a sense of relief when it is also not as monumental announcement as you have built it up in your head. Hopefully you will feel relief to have told him and it may even make you feel more comfortable telling others and less like you are harbouring a terrible secret. I think you need to tell yourself that you look how you look now- it is not some sort of trickery- you are just bloody gorgeous! Grin

Squeezyhug · 08/03/2022 23:23

Yes you should get some therapy because you are overthinking it. Dental work is very common place, no big deal at all.
I think if you told your DH he wouldn’t bat an eyelid.He’ll probably be more intrigued as to why you think it’s such a big deal.
You are beautiful to your husband, no matter what your history.
Remember, beauty is within, not just appearances and he married you for who you are as a person.

You don’t even need to tell him because it’s your business and nobody else’s.

saleorbouy · 08/03/2022 23:25

Knows and loves you as the person he met and how you are today. Why worry about the past, dental surgery is quite normal, if you're not comfortable to tell all from the past then you don't need to. This applies to everything, medical, partners etc.
Just relax, it's honestly not a big deal.

SunflowerTed · 08/03/2022 23:32

No need to tell him

Offside · 08/03/2022 23:32

I’m so sorry you had such a horrible time at school with bullies. You didn’t deserve that. You are valued ❤️

CityHigh · 08/03/2022 23:38

I think you’re over thinking. I’ve had lipo and I’ve never told anyone, not even DP! It was actually around 6 months before we started dating. I had really stubborn fat on my hips that no matter how much weight I lost, it wouldn’t budge. I never told anyone. I’ve never felt the need. Nobody needs to know when it’s your body.

RantyAunty · 09/03/2022 01:32

I agree with the therapy for the bullying.

Your sister needs to learn some boundaries about keeping her yap shut about personal things.

This probably this isn't the first time your privacy had been invaded and your boundaries walked on.

Suzi888 · 09/03/2022 02:05

Don’t know why your sister felt the need to bring that up, your story to tell not hers. But anyway, I don’t think it’s a big deal either. It’s eating you up though, so tell him what you’ve typed here. Nothing to be ashamed of, you felt you had a dental problem so you solved itFlowersthat’s it.

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