LDR and planning on moving in together, too many compromises?

[ruddygreattiger]

Hi Ladies, I welcome any independant opinions on this.

A bit of background first:

We have both been separated from exes for 5 years, my divorce was finalised 2 years ago, his is still at nisi stage. His ex will not engage on discussions re finance, I have seen email and text communications so know this to be the case.
We have been together for just over 2 years and live 2 hours apart.
I have an 18yr old dd and he has 2 younger kids.
I have been travelling to his most weekends rather than bring his kids to mine as this fits around his access times and days.
For the past year we have talked about buying a house together, my house very recently went on the market, he rents a 2 bed flat.

My main concerns are that to buy a house together that is big enough for us and the kids I would have to put in every penny of equity from my house sale. His divorce is not looking likely to happen anytime soon so he has no lump sum to contribute, but he is willing to have a joint mortgage on a new property.

He constantly says how much better off we will be financially as we would be splitting all the bills and how his kids are looking forward to having a bedroom each, there is no mention of how much he is looking forward to being with me at all. I am prepared to relocate and find a new job because I love him, and lately I am beginning to feel like a mug.

When we first met we talked in depth about travelling abroad and very recently I suggested we go away overseas, sometime next year, on a romantic week away, just the two of us.

His response was less than enthusiastic because he thinks his kids should come with us too.
I would hasten to add I suggested a week away last year, just us, and he insisted on the kids coming too which resulted in one of the worst 'holidays' I've ever been on, his kids constantly argue and bicker and absolutely spoilt it.
I told him in no uncertain terms I will not be repeating it again and am so very hurt that he doesnt want to go away with just me.

After the initial honeymoon stage wore off it has become clear that he is not affectionate or cuddly in relationships. I have to ask for a kiss or cuddle, however he does initiate when we have sex. When we are intimate it is wonderful but lately I can't help feeling that is all on his terms too.

He is diabetic and for the past 18 months has also suffered from very frequent migraines. This is impacting on our activities, where we go, how bright the lighting is, what food we eat and being prepared to drop everything if he feels a migraine coming on and has to basically retreat to the car, bedroom or somewhere dark so he can close his eyes and sleep.
Obviously when this happens if his kids are with us I am left to babysit. They are ok kids but at the end of the day I don't drive for hours to see them, I'm there to be with their dad.

A year into the relationship I proposed and he said he will never get married again, I was very upset but respected his decision and do understand as his ex can make life very tricky from time to time.

I feel so bereft, I love this man so much, but I'm getting the feeling I could be making a huge mistake to buy a house and move in together. My friends have been hinting very kindly that I should think carefully and they don't want me to move away, but they are not impartial.

Tell me if I'm wasting my time ladies.......

Initially I was thinking of buying somewhere outright, be mortgage free and change my job as im currently working shifts.
Maybe that was the right idea all along....

^ yes! Do this.

That holiday will become your life. So many red flags as PP say.

You met this person (online?) when you were both very vulnerable emotionally and physically and he likely honed in on this too. You were targeted by him and I would think deliberately too.

Do not throw in your lot with this man. Like others I think you have fallen for the ideal of this man rather than the reality. The man’s not divorced yet but like so many such men he is going from one relationship straight into another one. He just wants some female to look after him and his kids.

You’ve been his nurse with a purse and he sees in you pound signs, a house and a ready made sitter for his children.

Him saying ex will not engage in discussions on finances - I don't think that is how it works after 5 years. He should have sorted it by now using a solicitor - if not then he should get a new one! You are at different stages regarding children - you have been through that ''early'' stage - while he is still there and you do not enjoy it. Also 2 hours away? He should be coming to you some times and let his child stay with their mother those week ends. And then of course your finances are very ''unbalanced'' in his favour - would they improve if he does divorce? Don't let your house go to please this man! You need to withdraw it from the market asap because of you get a good offer the agent may charge you fees if you decide not to proceed .

OP you’re in a great position, time to prioritise yourself and your lovely dd.

His kids are a nightmare and he doesn’t even want to holiday alone! You’re just a ticket ‘back to family life’ (with you installed as wife and mother) to him. Yuck yuck yuck.

This is a near miss. Your gut is always to be listened to. Congrats on finishing cancer treatment, congrats on posting here and best of luck for YOUR next chapter.

To echo everyone else, don't do it!

Best of luck, OP. You can be free of this man who is using you for money and as a babysitter. You can be mortgage free, and be free to meet someone who treats you as you deserve, and will go travelling with you. Enjoy your freedom.

I only read half of your first post and the red flags were screaming at me!
Never mind anything else, I think the life stages you’re at are too far apart, your dd is just about reaching independence, which brings a lot of freedom to you, and his kids are a lot younger, which might not be an issue in itself, but it sounds like their mother could be an utter nightmare in your relationship going forward.
As you say it’s right that he priorities his kids, but that shouldn’t be to your cost, you’ve already been there with your own.
Oh did I mention the word cock lodger? He’s mentioning how much better off financially you’ll be, is he confusing just himself being better off if you live together?

Or just wait, back off for a bit!

Proposing to a man who is still married, when you haven’t even lived together and you find life difficult with his kids?

Yes, massive red flags that he wants to house himself and his kids on the basis of YOUR equity, but you are giving him signals by racing headlong.

Why would you ever marry again? Tie up your assets with a partner with kids? A house jointly owned never appreciates as fast as your own place.

Is your Dd getting SS much consideration as his kids?

I would wait until he is post divorce and knows how much equity he has. If you do decide to buy together you need to have lived together first. It’s different from staying with each other.

And you need to not marry, and buy as tenants in common with your share specified, and left to your Dd in your will.

He has younger kids: if you don’t pay attention to the small print in the financial contract that marriage primarily is, you could end up with his kids living in your house and your Dd disinherited. It has happened to 2 friends of mine.

Have a relationship, enjoy passion, company, friendship. But don’t come loose from your moorings.

Sometimes in life love isnt enough— and it’s perfectly possible to love someone but it be wrong time, wrong place, wrong point in life. You sound a very lovely person, I’m sure your partner does like you a lot but this seems to be for him an ideal opportunity to ‘upscale’ and make things easier. The problem is the risk and unsettling is all on you. You don’t sound to me as if you want to start playing the happy families thing prioritising young kids— and I don’t blame you because you have gone beyond it. I could in all honesty see you with a nice intelligent guy with kids at the stage you are so you can have plenty of time away as a couple, and one with spare funds to put into a house or rent etc— I hate to sound harsh but this guy may end up with wife remaining in house for a damn good while, plus maintenance etc— and I think you will get resentful. There are many men with whom you could have a great relationship and Its really easy when feeling down to latch intimacy the first semi nice one you meet with whom there is a spark and build it up in your head. I know— I’ve been there straight after I split from My first husband. There was a part of my brain that seemed to need to fill the ‘partner’ void. I wouldn’t be like this now I am older. Your idea by the way sounded fab— I would focus on that, have fun, go on holidays with friends or even a few solo ones— look after yourself, but somewhere smaller that’s fun to make your own and give you a project!!! Wishing you all the best x

OP,

Delighted to read you have decided not to ruin your life by making a huge financial mistake in buying a house for HIS children.

You were being lined up to be hugely used by this man.

Focus on your life, your daughter, your financial security.

These are very, very uncertain times in the world.

Your daughter absolutely needs you there for her, making the best decisions, at this time.

You would have bitterly regret moving to be his skivvy, cash cow.

Don't be used.

Oh and wouldn't it suit him to drag out the divorce where his wife keeps the house for when his children are with her and you supply a lovely home for him and his children when he has them?

You are a mug if you abandon your daughter to supply a home for his young children.

You would be utterly failing your daughter and I think you would bitterly regret that.

She would also come to realise that and likely judge you very harshly.

I personally wouldn't do it. Especially if you don't like being with his kids on a holiday you will have them full time and be paying for it all too financially and mentally. Think very carefully

Not RTFT.

You are a future nursemaid, babysitter and bill-payer.
Bin him

No !!!!! That's all I can say

1000 times no.
I was in a fairly similar position to yours some time ago and thankfully he changed his mind and actually broke up with me! At the time I was heartbroken; now I can’t thank my lucky stars for saving me from a life full of misery and unfair compromises.
I’m now with someone who is equal in the relationship and a much better match overall.

Please dump him, nurse your broken heart and then move on and find a more compatible partner! Time to enjoy your life!

It's a hard no from me.

This :
“You are a future nursemaid, babysitter and bill-payer.
Bin him”

@SNUG2022

You're in such a great position, op! Survived cancer, soon to be mortgage free, a wonderful adult daughter, you've had a fun fling. On to the next chapter! It didn't work out, he didn't work out, but he's probably been a good distraction and got you back out there. Get on rightmove and start looking for your new pad. I bet you'll feel like a weights been lifted.

Thanks Snug2022, that's a very motivational post (along with all the others obviously!). Yes its certainly clarified what I would like in a relationship and how I have always coped without one, just concentrating on me and dd. For the 3 years after I split from my exh all my friends and family commented on how much happier and confident I was, unfortunately this relationship has made me doubt myself on every level and I'm nowhere near as happy as I was before. I was scouring rightmove as soon as I got home from work today, it's very exciting!

@AttilaTheMeerkat

You met this person (online?) when you were both very vulnerable emotionally and physically and he likely honed in on this too. You were targeted by him and I would think deliberately too.

Do not throw in your lot with this man. Like others I think you have fallen for the ideal of this man rather than the reality. The man’s not divorced yet but like so many such men he is going from one relationship straight into another one. He just wants some female to look after him and his kids.

You’ve been his nurse with a purse and he sees in you pound signs, a house and a ready made sitter for his children.

I don't think he deliberately targeted me, we were talking online for a while before meeting up and he only knew about my surgery etc when we were on our first date and I had to be honest with him. But I think you quite rightly commented on the emotional vulnerability, I opened myself up emotionally far too quickly and I regret that to this day.

But yes, he has mentioned how he likes us all as a 'family unit' so that just makes me the female contribution to his ideal. I do understand this as he was in a very dark place when he separated from his wife and I think he just wants his old life back really.

@tara66

Him saying ex will not engage in discussions on finances - I don't think that is how it works after 5 years. He should have sorted it by now using a solicitor - if not then he should get a new one! You are at different stages regarding children - you have been through that ''early'' stage - while he is still there and you do not enjoy it. Also 2 hours away? He should be coming to you some times and let his child stay with their mother those week ends. And then of course your finances are very ''unbalanced'' in his favour - would they improve if he does divorce? Don't let your house go to please this man! You need to withdraw it from the market asap because of you get a good offer the agent may charge you fees if you decide not to proceed .

Yep, but I know after 5 years separation either party can just file for divorce and be done with it. I've told him this countless times but he just says the finances are tricky (she wont give him any of the equity in their property) and he can't afford a solicitor to persue it. To be honest I'm fed up of asking about it and it's clear he is happy to let things continue for however long his ex decides.

He does travel to me sometimes, but that has only really been a recent thing.

Initially I was fine with doing most of the driving as it meant I could fit around him and the kids access days, but after 2 years and god knows how many journeys, it's become a bloody chore. He knows I'm getting fed up with it and thats probably why he has been making more of an effort to come to me.

If he divorced then he would get a small lump sum, but it would only be something like 10% of what I would be contributing, and then the joint mortgage was going to be split between us 50/50.
I know how ridiuculously uneven this is now, seeing it written down makes it very clear!

Thank goodness you are on rightmove OP.

You are dodging a bullet.

Enjoy your precious daughter.

You are a convenient cashcow giving him a potential home and a woman to do the skivvying on site.

Don't get caught and then guilted by him not to upset his children by leaving.

You may not believe you were targeted, but it's a big bloody coincidence that you don't have young children, have money and are prepared to move!🙄

Protect your money and daughter.

@tara66 Well done! Buying my own place after my divorce was the most secure thing I did for myself and it makes me so happy no one can ever take that away… I will never marry again. The house is my DCs’ inheritance. I have a lovey boyfriend now. After 8 years of being single. He doesn’t have kids. We live separately but just came back from a lovey holiday together. After 1.5 years together, we are still madly in love. I think you can fall in love at any age so don’t think this is it for you… best of luck!

@billy1966

Oh and wouldn't it suit him to drag out the divorce where his wife keeps the house for when his children are with her and you supply a lovely home for him and his children when he has them?

You are a mug if you abandon your daughter to supply a home for his young children.

You would be utterly failing your daughter and I think you would bitterly regret that.

She would also come to realise that and likely judge you very harshly.

Thanks billy, yes I realised that the kids currently have a nice house with their mum and they would have had another lovely one subsidised by me! Don't worry, I will never abandon my daughter, I am the only constant in her life, aside from her friends, as her dad hasn't bothered to speak or contact to her for over a year. I will always have her back.

Your new plan sounds like it will bring joy peace security and adventure to your life.

The plan with him just sounds like chaos risk and drama

Enjoy your lively new life and don’t compromise it for anyone.

Lovely. Not lively