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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So much shame, my coldsore gave him herpes

70 replies

ShameSpiral · 07/03/2022 21:34

I've never had a coldsore in my life, I did have a patch of dry skin near my mouth but it was never a blister and was similar to some other dry skin patches I've had on my face. I just didn't think it was anything other than stress eczema like before, but now my husband is pretty sure he has herpes symptoms.

The reason I'm writing here is because I am swallowed up with shame, and it's not fair of me to share the depth of my feelings with him, and I can't talk to anyone in real life, so I'm sharing with you. I have had really dark thoughts since he told me of his symptoms. I can't believe he could continue to love me. I feel so ashamed that I've been so stupid. And to make it worse he was complaining that we hadn't had sex often enough so when we were both in the mood I thought it was a good thing.

For his part, he is annoyed that it's happened but has said he knows it was an accident, he realises I didn't think it was a coldsore. At least on the surface of things, he is coping far better than I am.

Please, any advice on dealing with this shame spiral I find myself in. I feel like I'll never forgive myself. I feel utterly worthless.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 07/03/2022 21:37

You dont even know if you have herpes so i wouldn't go blaming yourself for his symptoms

Northernsoullover · 07/03/2022 21:38

I smell a rat here. It seems a bit convenient for him.

DelphiniumBlue · 07/03/2022 21:42

Herpes does not look like eczema. Why do you think it was herpes - is it just because he has it? Doesn't mean he got it from you.

ManonCrochan · 07/03/2022 21:45

A bit of dry skin near your lip dosn't sound like a coldsore. It sounds like a patch of dry skin. It's the cold season. I get dry skin all the time.

You don't just develop coldsores. If you've never had one before, you don't have that dorment coldsore virus in your body.

You only get a coldsore by kissing someone with a coldsore. Have you kissed anyone with a coldsore?

ABitOfAShitShow · 07/03/2022 21:45

It can - and generally does - lie dormant for a long time so if you had this ‘cold sore’ recently, it’s unlikely to be from you anyway. But it doesn’t sound like you had a cold sore…

3luckystars · 07/03/2022 21:46

I would way for a doctor to diagnose it before feeling any guilt.

PonyPatter44 · 07/03/2022 21:49

A coldsore is pretty obvious- it really doesn't look or feel like "a patch of dry skin". Are you sure hes not trying to make you feel bad to cover up something?

paddler78 · 07/03/2022 21:51

Having suffered from cold sores all my life (since toddler) I have never had one that resembles a dry patch of skin there has always been swelling and / or blistering / weeping accompanied often by the feeling of being punched in the face it's that painful - what you are describing sounds more like stress eczema

TippledPink · 07/03/2022 21:52

Coldsores are tingly- herpes can lay dormant for a very long time. How long have you been together?

Sisisimone · 07/03/2022 21:54

Sounds like he's trying to pull a fast one there!

Original poster
ShameSpiral · 07/03/2022 21:56

I genuinely don't think he's playing away, he never really goes out, works at home, as do I most of the time. He has a rash on his penis that he says now looks like small blisters - he hadn't had a test yet.

My first response to him was the same as you all here - that it was probably too soon to show symptoms (within 2 days), and that I didn't think it was a coldsore. There was no rash on his penis when we had sex, so it has developed since. The only person I could have got a coldsore from would be him as he gets them but I haven't been kissing him when he's obviously had one. Perhaps I could have picked it up over the years?

I am feeling confused again now. I was posting about the shame.

He doesn't want to test as he's so convinced he knows what this is. I might order him a home test and force him to do it. I mainly wanted him to test to rule it out but as I say he says it has now developed the classic symptoms.

OP posts:
JetBlackSteed · 07/03/2022 21:57

Mmm. I don't believe him.
You don't sound like you have a cold sore, they don't look anything like patches of dry skin.
If he's got an sti, you need to ask yourself if he got it from you or someone else.

AnxiousHeffalump · 07/03/2022 21:59

Oh blimey. Sounds like he has an sti.

Original poster
ShameSpiral · 07/03/2022 21:59

@TippledPink

Coldsores are tingly- herpes can lay dormant for a very long time. How long have you been together?
We've been together 15 years
OP posts:
Tamworth123 · 07/03/2022 22:00

I think I'd like to have a gum clinic doctor say, from a swab test, that he definitely has herpes type 2 (I think) infection on his genitals.

Even if he does, that doesn't 100% rule out infidelity and getting it from another person.

Even if it is type 2, and def from you ..... that type tends not to recur, and isn't as bad as type 1 after the initial infection.

Tamworth123 · 07/03/2022 22:01

I'm wrong, it's the other way around.

Type 1 is the oral one, it looks like.

Guybrush · 07/03/2022 22:03

My understanding is that you can’t get HSV1 (which normally causes cold sores) on your genitals if you already have it on your mouth. Genital herpes is usually HSV2 but can be either. He probably has an unrelated rash. Anyway you should hardly feel guilty if he gave it to you in the first place!

Tamworth123 · 07/03/2022 22:04

Gum clinic doc was able to tell me what type.

In a surprised tone, because presumably they thought I'd lied when said we always use condoms so it must be from recent oral sex.

(Not that it's impossible to get genital herpes while using condoms, just a lot less likely).

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/03/2022 22:04

Genital herpes can lie dormant for years
And sometimes yes an active open
Cold sore can cause it via
Oral

But I smell a rat here
As a dry patch of skin does not a cold sore make

And why the shame ? Herpes is a skin condition no more , no less

Original poster
ShameSpiral · 07/03/2022 22:05

Genuinely thought I was posting about the shame I've been feeling. But you have all convinced me that he needs to get tested. Thanks for your replies. I've felt so alone in my feelings today and it helps to say some of this and hear what you think.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShameSpiral · 07/03/2022 22:07

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Genital herpes can lie dormant for years And sometimes yes an active open Cold sore can cause it via Oral

But I smell a rat here
As a dry patch of skin does not a cold sore make

And why the shame ? Herpes is a skin condition no more , no less

The shame isn't necessarily rational - feeling like something was my fault, I caused something irreversible for him. It's a reaction I've had before, but only when I've been really low, my self esteem drops. I should go back to counselling for that.
OP posts:
CakesOfVersailles · 07/03/2022 22:08

Both of you get tested - not just him. I would suggest a panel of tests, not just for herpes. And don't kiss or have sex while waiting for results!

Don't feel guilty - you don't have any information, and even if you did give him your cold sore you had no reason to suspect you had herpes.

Annette32123 · 07/03/2022 22:09

70% of the UK population carry the herpes simplex virus.

You have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. You or he may well have been carrying it since childhood and just not had an outbreak. It’s really not something to get upset about - although I’ve been fortunate never to have a cold sore myself so completely appreciate if you think you don’t have its, it’s upsetting to find you have. But I have no idea if I carry the virus - I might! And if I don’t, I’m in the minority 30%.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 07/03/2022 22:09

Here to second that you would know if you had a Coldsore.

Tamworth123 · 07/03/2022 22:09

swallowed up with shame

If you really did pass on herpes orally, I wouldn't beat yourself up.

While i kicked myself for receiving oral sex from my bearded ex, I understood that it's a risk you take with oral (and I think.ppl can be infectious before a cold sore) and no reasonable person would hold it against you. And you didn't know.

But he'd need to be confirmed to hsveva genital infections of type 1.
Abc event then, what if its not you.