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Original poster

So much shame, my coldsore gave him herpes

70 replies

ShameSpiral · 07/03/2022 21:34

I've never had a coldsore in my life, I did have a patch of dry skin near my mouth but it was never a blister and was similar to some other dry skin patches I've had on my face. I just didn't think it was anything other than stress eczema like before, but now my husband is pretty sure he has herpes symptoms.

The reason I'm writing here is because I am swallowed up with shame, and it's not fair of me to share the depth of my feelings with him, and I can't talk to anyone in real life, so I'm sharing with you. I have had really dark thoughts since he told me of his symptoms. I can't believe he could continue to love me. I feel so ashamed that I've been so stupid. And to make it worse he was complaining that we hadn't had sex often enough so when we were both in the mood I thought it was a good thing.

For his part, he is annoyed that it's happened but has said he knows it was an accident, he realises I didn't think it was a coldsore. At least on the surface of things, he is coping far better than I am.

Please, any advice on dealing with this shame spiral I find myself in. I feel like I'll never forgive myself. I feel utterly worthless.

OP posts:

Thoosa · 07/03/2022 22:59

@Northernsoullover

I smell a rat here. It seems a bit convenient for him.

Yes, this.

You don’t have a cold sore. He suddenly has genital herpesvirus and somehow you’re “full of shame”?

How did he pull that one off?

MissMaple82 · 07/03/2022 23:00

2 days is long enough to develop. That said dry skin doesn't sound like a cold sore

SpaceFarce · 07/03/2022 23:08

You only get a coldsore by kissing someone with a coldsore. Have you kissed anyone with a coldsore?

That’s not true. You can pick up the virus from a towel, bedding, utensils that haven’t been properly washed (like in an office kitchen, etc).

That said, I also don’t think you had a cold sore. Usually the first infection is the worst and you’d definitely know about it!

L0stinCyberspace · 07/03/2022 23:20

I agree with the others that he needs to take responsibility and get tested as do you.

What really stood out was where you say I have had really dark thoughts since he told me of his symptoms. I can't believe he could continue to love me. I feel so ashamed that I've been so stupid

this is a very extreme reaction to a possibility. I think you need to be kind to yourself and maybe some counselling and especially CBT would be useful to challenge these thoughts.

Hope you are OK, OP

Christoncrutches · 07/03/2022 23:31

He could well have a yeast infection rather than herpes… little spots/blisters doesn’t sound like herpes.

Phoenix76 · 07/03/2022 23:32

Op please stop blaming yourself for something you don’t even know has happened. I have suffered from cold sores for as long as I can remember and I get that some have said they have similar symptoms to you but that’s extremely unusual. Cold sores are usually angry bastards that hurt like hell, sometimes even air on them stings, they blister very unattractively you know without doubt what it is. I’m surprised by your dh’s reaction tbh, I don’t know what it is but something seems off. I agree that testing will shed light on it and if he refuses you’ll need to have a real good think. Either way it’s NOT your fault.

beautifullymad · 07/03/2022 23:33

Do you actually have herpes? If you've not had the tell tail blister sores that scab over and bleed when they move then you've probably not got it.

If he has oral herpes (coldsore) then it's very possible he's infected himself. It's much easier for a man as they touch their mouths when they have cold sores then stand and hold their penis to urinate.
Whereas women sit, wee and wipe with tissue.

It's likely he's infected himself and that's been dormant since his last outbreak.

Original poster

ShameSpiral · 07/03/2022 23:41

@L0stinCyberspace

I agree with the others that he needs to take responsibility and get tested as do you.

What really stood out was where you say I have had really dark thoughts since he told me of his symptoms. I can't believe he could continue to love me. I feel so ashamed that I've been so stupid

this is a very extreme reaction to a possibility. I think you need to be kind to yourself and maybe some counselling and especially CBT would be useful to challenge these thoughts.

Hope you are OK, OP

Thanks for this kind message, I have had counselling before (though only home cbt). I'm much better at recognising when a reaction is my pattern, sometimes takes me a while. But I agree with you and others that it's a very extreme reaction and something to look into more. Also very sudden - from completely normal to genuinely feeling like the worst possible person. I've been considering contacting my counsellor again, this whole thing is pushing me towards doing just that.

OP posts:

Original poster

ShameSpiral · 07/03/2022 23:43

@beautifullymad

Do you actually have herpes? If you've not had the tell tail blister sores that scab over and bleed when they move then you've probably not got it.

I have what could be a coldsore, which would be oral herpes. I gave him oral sex, which is why he's thinking it's genital herpes contacted from a coldsore. As others have said, it's an unusual presentation for a coldsore. I honestly don't know if that's what it is or not.

OP posts:

MarianNicholson · 17/06/2022 14:57

Since he's so cool about it, I am wondering if he has had it for ages. With only rare flare-ups. He didn't tell you before... Now he has a flare-up he's mentioning it without letting on he's had them before. From his behaviour, this could be the story?

Yellowhase · 17/06/2022 15:03

I had a boyfriend many years ago who realised he had herpes I had no symptoms. 10+ years later I got symptoms but I was poorly at the time it can be affected by immune system.

ancientgran · 17/06/2022 15:07

You should get a blood test, it will show if you are carrying the virus. He needs the sore swabbed to see if it is a current infection and if it is he needs a blood test, if this is a new infection he won't have the antibodies yet so if you haven't got it and he has a new infection.......... well I don't need to spell it out do I.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/06/2022 15:10

Your husband is gaslighting you.

YerAWizardHarry · 17/06/2022 15:15

This thread is over 3 months old …

ZealAndArdour · 17/06/2022 15:45

Christoncrutches · 07/03/2022 23:31

He could well have a yeast infection rather than herpes… little spots/blisters doesn’t sound like herpes.

Ehhhhh? 🤔

Little blisters sounds exactly like herpes, and nothing at all like thrush.

JustLyra · 17/06/2022 16:09

ShameSpiral · 07/03/2022 21:56

I genuinely don't think he's playing away, he never really goes out, works at home, as do I most of the time. He has a rash on his penis that he says now looks like small blisters - he hadn't had a test yet.

My first response to him was the same as you all here - that it was probably too soon to show symptoms (within 2 days), and that I didn't think it was a coldsore. There was no rash on his penis when we had sex, so it has developed since. The only person I could have got a coldsore from would be him as he gets them but I haven't been kissing him when he's obviously had one. Perhaps I could have picked it up over the years?

I am feeling confused again now. I was posting about the shame.

He doesn't want to test as he's so convinced he knows what this is. I might order him a home test and force him to do it. I mainly wanted him to test to rule it out but as I say he says it has now developed the classic symptoms.

Hang on, why are you feeling guilty when he gets cold sores?

he already has the virus. If they’ve spread it could very easily have been him that’s spread it as much (probably more than) your patch of dry skin that doesn’t even sound like a cold sore.

moose62 · 17/06/2022 16:09

An ex boyfriend of mine came up with a blistering rash on his penus. It was unsightly but not painful. He accused me of all sorts. He went to the Gp and was prescribed something that looked like a purple coldtar cream. The GP thought is was stress induced. I didn't wait to find out as he was still blaming me so dumped him.

HappypusSadpus · 18/06/2022 21:51

OP, your husband has been playing away and trying to excuse the symptoms.

Don't be blind here...

bloodyunicorns · 18/06/2022 22:12

Hmm, sounds like he's clutching at straws. If he gets cold sores he could easily have touched his mouth then held his penis.

Much more likely than you suddenly getting cold sores and giving him genital herpes!!!! He needs to get tested.

bloodyunicorns · 18/06/2022 22:13

Also, if he was happy for you give him a BJ, he can't have thought you had a cold sore either!!

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