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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So much shame, my coldsore gave him herpes

70 replies

ShameSpiral · 07/03/2022 21:34

I've never had a coldsore in my life, I did have a patch of dry skin near my mouth but it was never a blister and was similar to some other dry skin patches I've had on my face. I just didn't think it was anything other than stress eczema like before, but now my husband is pretty sure he has herpes symptoms.

The reason I'm writing here is because I am swallowed up with shame, and it's not fair of me to share the depth of my feelings with him, and I can't talk to anyone in real life, so I'm sharing with you. I have had really dark thoughts since he told me of his symptoms. I can't believe he could continue to love me. I feel so ashamed that I've been so stupid. And to make it worse he was complaining that we hadn't had sex often enough so when we were both in the mood I thought it was a good thing.

For his part, he is annoyed that it's happened but has said he knows it was an accident, he realises I didn't think it was a coldsore. At least on the surface of things, he is coping far better than I am.

Please, any advice on dealing with this shame spiral I find myself in. I feel like I'll never forgive myself. I feel utterly worthless.

OP posts:

CakesOfVersailles · 07/03/2022 22:09

I mean because you had no reason to think a patch of dry skin was a cold sore.

NEE1302 · 07/03/2022 22:09

@ShameSpiral

I genuinely don't think he's playing away, he never really goes out, works at home, as do I most of the time. He has a rash on his penis that he says now looks like small blisters - he hadn't had a test yet.

My first response to him was the same as you all here - that it was probably too soon to show symptoms (within 2 days), and that I didn't think it was a coldsore. There was no rash on his penis when we had sex, so it has developed since. The only person I could have got a coldsore from would be him as he gets them but I haven't been kissing him when he's obviously had one. Perhaps I could have picked it up over the years?

I am feeling confused again now. I was posting about the shame.

He doesn't want to test as he's so convinced he knows what this is. I might order him a home test and force him to do it. I mainly wanted him to test to rule it out but as I say he says it has now developed the classic symptoms.

That sounds more like thrush than Herpes. Have you/he considered that?

BattenbergdowntheHatches · 07/03/2022 22:10

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Tamworth123 · 07/03/2022 22:11

But you have all convinced me that he needs to get tested

Unless you get couple appointment if thete is such a thing, or he shows you results.... you'll be relying on his honesty.

dementedpixie · 07/03/2022 22:13

Online says :

Individuals who already have HSV-1 oral herpes infection are unlikely to be subsequently infected with HSV-1 in the genital area.

www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/herpes-simplex-virus

Luredbyapomegranate · 07/03/2022 22:17

Well two things. Firstly and practically - He needs to get tested. If he DOES have herpes, given the fact you haven’t got any evidence you actually have a cold sore (a cold sore does not look like a dry skin) it’s more likely he’s had it for a while and it was dormant.

Secondly - cold sores or herpes are nothing to be ashamed of. They are perfectly common. Wondering how he can still love you is dramatic in the extreme. I don’t know how you got there but it’s not rational so have a think about what’s driving it.

springtimeishereagain · 07/03/2022 22:18

You have nothing to be ashamed about. Please don't worry. Both of you need to get STI tests.

uptonogoode · 07/03/2022 22:18

If he had herpes he'd be in agony and desperate to see a gp to get some treatment

whysoserious123 · 07/03/2022 22:19

If he's innocent and you have apparently given him herpes why was it not his responsibility to say about the dry patch of skin on your face too? Why is not just your fault ?

Mischance · 07/03/2022 22:20

You say he has had cold sores before, so you could have got one from him, if indeed that is what it is.

Is he consumed with shame?

Mermaidwaves · 07/03/2022 22:20

He doesn't want to get tested? Why is that then? He's so convinced he knows what this is? Is it because hes got something to hide? OP please don't feel guilty, he sounds suspicious! I would be querying his reluctance to get tested here.

Original poster

ShameSpiral · 07/03/2022 22:21

@NEE1302 Do you mean as a possibility that my lip/face patch thing and his symptoms could both be thrush? I don't have any vaginal symptoms now.

God I really need to get us to the GUM clinic.

OP posts:

Original poster

ShameSpiral · 07/03/2022 22:22

@Mermaidwaves

Honestly I think it's driven for him by anxiety about stuff like this.

OP posts:

Original poster

ShameSpiral · 07/03/2022 22:23

Thank you everyone for posting, really so much. Voices of reason to offset my own anxieties.

OP posts:

Bromse · 07/03/2022 22:24

@dementedpixie

You dont even know if you have herpes so i wouldn't go blaming yourself for his symptoms

I thought the same.

A cold sore is herpes op. However you are not sure you had one. I presume a blood test would show whether or not you were positive for herpes.

People do live with herpes, it stays dormant for long periods. If you became pregnant you would have to be carefully monitored because it can cause problems for the baby (I know someone who had to have a Caesarian because of herpes), but if you are not planning on pregnancy, don't worry about it.

However first find out if it is herpes and if you had it first.

Mykittensmittens · 07/03/2022 22:25

I posted many times (on here!!) wondering what this weird dry skin patch was on my face, nothing like normal coldsore symptoms and not by my lip. Everyone said impetigo. My GP said impetigo. Mumsnet said impetigo (appreciate this is not a professional opinion!)
I went to a dermatologist and to my surprise it was confirmed as a coldsore.
It did not present as such as was under my jawline.
Anyway, I happened to be cautious because impetigo can be very contagious but the point is it isn’t always obvious.

Coldsores and herpes don’t always present as a weeping scabby lip sore.

Be kind to yourself here OP! Many others have been in this position it’s not your fault.

NEE1302 · 07/03/2022 22:26

[quote ShameSpiral]@NEE1302 Do you mean as a possibility that my lip/face patch thing and his symptoms could both be thrush? I don't have any vaginal symptoms now.

God I really need to get us to the GUM clinic.[/quote]
Thrush symptoms in men can be similar to STIs. Not sure about the dry skin on your face though tbf... good idea to get checked out.

Tamworth123 · 07/03/2022 22:27

@uptonogoode

If he had herpes he'd be in agony and desperate to see a gp to get some treatment

That's a good point.

First infection of type 1, genitally, is a nasty fkg dose ime.

tkwal · 07/03/2022 22:35

I don't think you had a Coldsore from your description. His rash could maybe come from wearing tight underwear/new shower gel/change of laundry detergent. Or it could be an STI. I think you really need to know, so encourage him to get tested and go from there

AdultingInTheCountryside · 07/03/2022 22:42

He’s using this an excuse. I think he’s cheated on you and has caught herpes from that person but is trying to blame you because you had some dry skin.

CrikeyPeg · 07/03/2022 22:45

@ShameSpiral

Genuinely thought I was posting about the shame I've been feeling. But you have all convinced me that he needs to get tested. Thanks for your replies. I've felt so alone in my feelings today and it helps to say some of this and hear what you think.

@ShameSpiral - you need to get tested too. And no more sex until results are in.

Ohyesiam · 07/03/2022 22:51

You need to get tested too op, if you are not offered a blood test you might need to push for it. You can’t swab skin for herpes unless there’sa rash, so you’ll need the blood test.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/03/2022 22:56

Even if you have given him herpes, why feel shame. Have you googled what percentage of the population carries the herpes virus? It’s huge.

Helenahandkart · 07/03/2022 22:56

Everyone who has cold sores (myself included) please be careful around babies. The cold sore virus can kill newborns.

OnTheBoardwalk · 07/03/2022 22:57

My mum has many out breaks of cold sores but we never caught them

She and us could tell when it was starting. I've had spots and dry skin but never thought it was cold sores or coleslaws as I used to call them

I really don’t believe it’s you OP but I’d get yourself checked out for any dodgy conditions from him

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