The lies they tell about their ex....

[Triffid1]

Maybe it's just me but after years on MN and watching a few real life friends go through tough break ups, I'm now 100% in the "don't believe a word he says about his ex" camp. Which of course is ridiculous - women aren't universally perfect and rational in relationships but.... well, it seems to me that a LOT of the time he's just talking absolute rubbish!

A few of my favourites:

"His ex won't let him see the children" [amazing how seldom the man attempts to take this further via court/mediation etc]

"She just wants more maintenance from him/she'll spend all the money on herself while he then has to pay for everything for the children" - a bit of digging usually finds that he spotted her getting her hair done or going to the pub and is now outraged that the £150 he gives her is being wasted on fripperies.....

"She was controlling". I love this one. 9/10 she just objected to him going out on the piss every weekend while she was at home with 2 toddlers!

"She's trying to take me to the cleaners - I worked hard for that money!". DH has had a few conversations with male friends who spout this in all male environments... DH is less than sympathetic.

Any others you've all seen and heard to share?

Funnily, I just posted about an ex and his partner and everything he told her about our relationship was true. Good and bad.
An exception perhaps.

I fell for all of these op but i was young and naïve. Took me 17 years of misery to get away from him and now he tells everyone exactly the same things about me

@corecare

Funnily, I just posted about an ex and his partner and everything he told her about our relationship was true. Good and bad. An exception perhaps.

I don't think that's an exception!

I've only met one man who was obviously talking nonsense about his wife. It didn't go past the first date.

None of my previous ex boyfriend's has spoken badly of an ex and I wouldn't date someone who did. As much as anything, it's none of my business and I know that they won't be speaking badly of me either as a result.

"My ex is a psycho" - she objected to his verbal and physical abuse

My boyfriends friends with his ex.

At first the story was we mutually split over a cuppa.
A year later she had dumped him actually in a row and buggered out on q holiday after.

He says to this day they never argued but stories he's shared included

She got pissed off that his boss told her he had flirted with the woman on a work course.

He threw her phone across the room and broke it because he was sick of her being on it.

She went through his phone and used to fake being asleep to spy on him.

They actually still "touch base" after 3 years of being separated and it makes me want to hurl into a bucket when he says she's like a sister To him now and they just said one day they were mates (lovers once) I just want to be able to talk to you.

Their drama has almost destroyed us at times. They are happy with their little catch ups and she tried to convince him I perhaps wasn't best for him when we got together properly.

It's an emotional game between them both. They don't actually have positive emotions towards one another. It's like they are both too stubborn to just get over it.

We have friends, male and female, that work both sides of that argument hard.

All the usual crap, all vitriol, spite and stupidity.

I have never understood why they work so hard to upset themselves.

@FayCarew

"My ex is a psycho" - she objected to his verbal and physical abuse

It's a classic!

Obviously, most people are perfectly normal and can have perfectly normal discussions about past relationships. But the ones spouting stuff like this immediately make me suspicious. I know one man who hasn't even properly separated yet but he's already starting the narrative that his ex is crazy!

It works both ways though doesn't it.

I think the difference is men don't really care that much. Probably know at best it's going to be a very bias account.

"We are separated but still live in the same house, for the kids sake "

My ex told OW this, she fell for it. I have come across endless men who spout this bullshit, claim they are 'separated' but still living with the wife and kids.

Any man who tells you this, please ask him, 'does your wife know you're separated?' I bet you nine times out of ten the wife won't have a clue! It makes me so angry.

Yes it seems like someone gives them a script doesn't it? My friends Ex was in the local corner shop once and the woman asked him about my friend (his ex) and if she'd had the baby (he'd left her for the OW while pregnant). Straight away ex said 'she doesn't let me see the baby'.

Truth was he'd never even asked to see the baby, told his friends that he wished she'd never been born, but felt fine to lie and say that he wasn't allowed to see her. Unfortunately for him I was also in the queue and made them all aware of the facts.

I'd never believe anything a bloke said about his ex.

Hmm not too sure; step dads ex wife was literally dripping in channel and LV then the kids (3) had holes in their soles and trousers too short. He ended up living a double life storing his money in his business until they were old enough to be out of CM age and paying for their stuff as and when they needed it.

I was young and a bit innocent and totally swallowed a line from a guy who initially told me he was seperated, then, to explain why we couldn't go to his placs, said he was still living in the family home while they sorted the divorce and to reduce disruption for their daughter.

Then after he let slip about something he'd done with his wife, he claimed to be in an open relationship - last he saw of me. It took me way too long to realise what a creep he was, but I was mid 20s and he was about 40, his poor wife.

@FayCarew

"My ex is a psycho" - she objected to his verbal and physical abuse

Yep, absolutely! If you hear these words from a prospective partner, run!

It definitely works both ways. There’s always what A said, what B said, and what actually happened.

She was controlling.

She was a pisshead.

She was a bad mum.

They do read from the same script. It is never anything original.

She was a bad mum

This one is always amusing.

She’s always a terrible mother. Neglectful and lazy. Spends all the money on herself.

Yet you get blank looks when you ask how their custody application is going…

@Triffid1

Maybe it's just me but after years on MN and watching a few real life friends go through tough break ups, I'm now 100% in the "don't believe a word he says about his ex" camp. Which of course is ridiculous - women aren't universally perfect and rational in relationships but.... well, it seems to me that a LOT of the time he's just talking absolute rubbish!

A few of my favourites:

"His ex won't let him see the children" [amazing how seldom the man attempts to take this further via court/mediation etc]

"She just wants more maintenance from him/she'll spend all the money on herself while he then has to pay for everything for the children" - a bit of digging usually finds that he spotted her getting her hair done or going to the pub and is now outraged that the £150 he gives her is being wasted on fripperies.....

"She was controlling". I love this one. 9/10 she just objected to him going out on the piss every weekend while she was at home with 2 toddlers!

"She's trying to take me to the cleaners - I worked hard for that money!". DH has had a few conversations with male friends who spout this in all male environments... DH is less than sympathetic.

Any others you've all seen and heard to share?

Why should anyone spend £10,000s to see their own children?

Not buying it sorry.
Wome are not some universally accepted paragons of virtue.

@JustLyra Oh yes, I love this. A friend genuinely was worried - her ex was always accusing her of being a mad mum, controlling etc. She was the main breadwinner and he had briefly gone part time so have their DC. When they split, he was STILL part time but she was the one doing 90% of the childcare.

She was terrified he was going Pull this and try to get custody. On her cynical days, because she thought he’d want her to pay maintenance and on her less cynical days because she genuinely believed he loved his DC…. The rest of us knew he wouldn’t. And sure enough, never has. (Pretty sure he tells friends/family/colleagues that she keeps him away from their DC though. When in reality she’s constantly begging him to have them because a) they miss him and b) she is on her knees….)

Why should anyone spend £10,000s to see their own children?

Not buying it sorry.
Wome are not some universally accepted paragons of virtue.

No, but most of the single women I know are desperate for their exes to take the children a bit more. So these men who claim their ex keeps them away is (often) bollocks.

Works both ways. I've known women who have been absolutely vile about their exes and spouted all kinds of damaging lies. It's not just exclusive to men.

Remember there are three sides to every story...

@MsMarch

Why should anyone spend £10,000s to see their own children?

Not buying it sorry.
Wome are not some universally accepted paragons of virtue.

No, but most of the single women I know are desperate for their exes to take the children a bit more. So these men who claim their ex keeps them away is (often) bollocks.

Not in my experience, my DH has BEGGED to have his kids more, it took a long time to get to where we are with an almost equal split but if he so much asks for 20 mins extra she will insist on having that back. If wants to go support his children at an event or activity that happens to fall on her time, she won't have any of it. She'd rather stop them going than let him go.

You'd think most women would be happy that their ex wants to lavish as much time as possible on the kids, but no, it's the only weapon she has in her arsenal, so she uses it. And she's not the only one.

Thing is it’s not always that black and white.

Of course some of it is lies, the ones wining about the amount of maintenance they have to pay annoys me in particular, however I think that a lot more women attempt to withhold access than people like to admit on here.

And the truth is that while a man can go to court and be granted access, very little is actually done if she breaches the court order. The men who don’t even try ring alarm bells for me, but I think we need to be careful not to think that a woman always has a valid reason for not allowing access.

I have a friend whose dh’s ex withheld contact. he went to court time and time and time again over a period of about 5 years, and time and time and time again she breached the order. Or rang to demand the kids come home, and when he dropped them back they would be ringing him within an hour to say they’d been left with their grandparents while she went out.

Things only started to change when the kids grew older and voted with their feet. They had all gone NC with their mother by the time they were teenagers, but before that she had ultimate control, and used it.

I also think we should be careful to not believe someone that their partner was abusive. it’s not just men who can abuse. And again, if a woman comes on here and says her ex was abusive we blindly accept that, but if a man comes here and says it then people question it. Either we believe in abusive relationships or we don’t.

My ex has told the ow that nothing he did was good enough.He was right.
He forgot to mention that when asked to contribute to the running of the home or rearing of our children, he was absent, disinterested and useless ; often leaving us without basic domestic utilities despite being a dab hand at these jobs.

He also told her I didn't respect him. Also true. See above ..
I think many men tell the truth, they just forget to give the context.

I know many women in my life who did drink too much..... to bury themselves in their unhappiness due to cheating/ work shy/ abusive partner.

Bad mums... ditto. Many women I know were insulted for their parenting skills because they stood up to abisive and aggressive behaviour towards their children and protected their kids from him.These mums were called soft touches raising spoilt children.

Psycho exes.... wives ignored, gaslit, stonewalled reacted in a way that caused husband to think they were unreasonable when they tried everything to communicate .

Always ask for context !

@MsMarch

Why should anyone spend £10,000s to see their own children?

Not buying it sorry.
Wome are not some universally accepted paragons of virtue.

No, but most of the single women I know are desperate for their exes to take the children a bit more. So these men who claim their ex keeps them away is (often) bollocks.

The advice on Mumsnet is always court first, in fact, solicitors in divorce always suggest mediation, rile each party up to generate income via the court system.

Our divorce was done and dusted in 6 months however, ex began her vitriol via her legal representation with letters at £300-800 a pop.
I remember the list of unreasonable behaviors, obvs designed to get me to bite.
She even asked me at one point why I'd not attempted to reconcile.

Anyhow in the end we split 50/50 and she had a massive bill.

We get on again now, but her wraith egged on by the legal system and her friends were plain for everyone to see. Foolish.