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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Accepting its over

97 replies

Crcohetmonster · 07/03/2022 09:18

Hi. I just need someone to talk me down from losing all my dignity and begging for crumbs. My partner dumped me on Saturday after 4;years together, 3, living together, as they don’t love me any more and want to work on themselves. Just need someone to tell me it’s going to be ok and it’s for the best.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 07/03/2022 11:52

Definitely chnage locks. If its PvC type door you can just change the barrel.

TempNameChangexx · 07/03/2022 11:53

As others have said, definitely change the locks and do it asap
Don't let him be there on his own - every "amicable" split starts that way but rarely ends that way
And definitely tell people the truth about who ended it
Hope you find yourself again soon !

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/03/2022 11:58

From even just the little you've said here, sounds like you're well rid of him, actually!

I'll tell you one thing my first counsellor said to me after my fiancé fucked off with another woman - "he just didn't love you enough. It wasn't anything that YOU did, or didn't do - he just didn't love YOU enough to stay".

Oddly enough, that really helped! Especially since ex-fiancé was being a right cunt and blaming me for it all.

So - pick yourself up, dust yourself off, pack up his stuff in binbags and have them ready at the door for him to take to a mate's or something - he's not YOUR friend, he's not your anything except "ex" now, so he can "ex"it your house and your life pronto!

Glad you feel like you're getting your life and yourself back again Thanks

tara66 · 07/03/2022 12:06

Love yourself first and more than any man!

wildthingsinthenight · 07/03/2022 12:06

OP Flowers
You're doing brilliantly

PoshPyjamas · 07/03/2022 12:11

I was going to dump you once I had sorted something out but I haven't so I'll stay here! Er no

This!

The cheek of him!

wingscrow · 07/03/2022 12:14

I think you are being too generous.

I would have asked him to leave on the spot. Your partner knew he was. going to tell you it is over and he should have made preparations to leave/thought about where he was going.

Tell him to leave now but that he will be able to collect his things at the weekend when he has somewhere else to go at a time convenient for you.

I think it adds to your distress to have that person still around until the weekend and I don't see why you should accommodate him.

Also, you are right to be honest with people about the fact that the break up was not your decision, rather than trying to be pushed into agreeing to his version of the facts...

Frankly it looks to me like you will be much better off without this man!

Fairislefandango · 07/03/2022 12:20

I was going to post a 'Poor you, that's sad, but you'll get over it in time' post, but reading your further comments, he sounds pretty horrible actually. So still poor you, and yes you will get over it. But I'm adding 'Good riddance, you deserve better than a controlling arse'! Flowers

MotherofTerriers · 07/03/2022 12:22

I think changing the locks/barrels would be sensible, he could easily have another key made.
Plus it makes the point more firmly that this is your home not his, and he can't just wander in as he pleases
I'd do it while he's at work and have his stuff packed in bin bags ready to go

Jaxinthebox · 07/03/2022 12:26

Im hoping you have read all the good advice and have his stuff in bags by the door.

You will get over this, you will get stronger and you will get your life back. Your ex sounds not very nice and you are better off without them in your life.

Be strong!

Original poster
Crcohetmonster · 07/03/2022 12:27

@duvetdayforeveryone

"they don’t love me any more and want to work on themselves"... sounds to me like he found someone else.
I’m sure this is it. He says not, but call it a gut instinct. I’m going to put my big girl pants on and tell him to GTFO. Then I can work on being me again.
OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 07/03/2022 12:29

Hold your nerve, you're doing fine.

However tempting it is, begging and chasing love is always a bad idea. You will lose dignity and more importantly you will lose self-respect and prolong it.

ClawedButler · 07/03/2022 12:32

YAY, good for you.

You don't get to dump a ton of manure on someone's life and then expect them to solve your problems for you, tell everyone you're a Good Guy (TM), and give you a place to stay!

He can get in the bin.

PurpleFlower1983 · 07/03/2022 12:33

Stay strong, you deserve nothing less than someone who thinks your absolutely amazing so he has done you a favour. It feels rubbish now but you will be fine. The first few weeks will be the hardest and then one day you will start to feel better. Break contact though - block and delete! Make sure all his stuff is out so he has no comebacks!

Original poster
Crcohetmonster · 07/03/2022 12:35

I have told him that once he leaves I never want to see or hear from him again. I’ve told DD it’s up to her If she want to stay in contact with him. I don’t think she will though.

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 07/03/2022 12:37

@Crcohetmonster

I have told him that once he leaves I never want to see or hear from him again. I’ve told DD it’s up to her If she want to stay in contact with him. I don’t think she will though.
That’s a good move, try and stick to it. As much as it’s up to your DD it would be better all round if he didn’t have an ‘in’ to you. Another tip is write all the bad stuff down in a nice little book that you can keep and read when it gets hard. Seeing things in black and white makes it easier to stay strong.
Campervangirl · 07/03/2022 12:38

Another vote here 🙋‍♀️ for changing the locks and putting his clothes outside and don't let him in, send a text and say "your clothes are outside, the locks have been changed, collect the rest of your belongings on Saturday, if you cause any problems I'll ring the police"
Then get up early Saturday morning and put the rest of his stuff outside, get a friend or DD to help and preferably have someone in the house with you when he comes home tonight.
Don't let him back in.
You have the MN nest of vipers behind you.
Good luck op, you got this, chin up, ❤️

that1970shouse · 07/03/2022 12:48

I agree with everyone else. He can't have his cake and eat it too. He doesn't get to say he doesn't want to be with you any more but he wants to live at your house for another week.

Change the locks today, then let him in only to pack his things and get out. Maybe ring 101 and alert them that you are doing this, so you can ring them if he gives you any trouble.

Original poster
Crcohetmonster · 07/03/2022 12:48

There is so much good advice. I’m going to go and start packing for him as soon as I finish work, then I can be free.

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 07/03/2022 12:49

@Crcohetmonster

There is so much good advice. I’m going to go and start packing for him as soon as I finish work, then I can be free.
Being free and single is actually really exciting and now you know what you definitely don’t want if you decide to start dating again!
LowlandLucky · 07/03/2022 12:53

Spend some time grieving for your relationship, you are in shock at the moment so don't make any big decisions. This is your life therefore you get to choose wether you tell the truth about the split or not, it has nothing to do with him. You can and will get through this.Flowers

BeKind2022 · 07/03/2022 12:53

I work with abused women and the vast majority are bloody wonderful and kind and caring … which is why abusers target them. Please never feel any shame. So many of us have been pulled down that slope too.
You seem to already have a clear insight into how to make sure it never happens again.

And yes please don’t lie for him.

Life in the long run will be better without him. And this amok shall pass and one day you will look back on this time and be so grateful is gone and you did now waste more time on him.

Littlegoth · 07/03/2022 12:54

I would definitely be showing him the door. It’s not your problem that he has nowhere to go! You don’t owe him anything x

Buildingthefuture · 07/03/2022 13:07

Yay for the fact that it is YOUR house and you can boot him out! That's a big positive. Another positive is that you are recognising that actually, he might not have been all that good for you. Once you get rid of him (and I agree with all pps, do that today) I think you will start to reflect back on a lot of things that he did, that weren't ok.
He's a cheeky, entitled fecker as well isn't he? "I don't love you anymore, but I've got nowhere to go, so I'm going to stay in your house"?? Hahahahahaha - no you're not!!!! You can do this op xxx

MrsPerfect12 · 07/03/2022 13:08

Be careful if he starts back tracking. Best if he's gone straight away.

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