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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Accepting its over

97 replies

Crcohetmonster · 07/03/2022 09:18

Hi. I just need someone to talk me down from losing all my dignity and begging for crumbs. My partner dumped me on Saturday after 4;years together, 3, living together, as they don’t love me any more and want to work on themselves. Just need someone to tell me it’s going to be ok and it’s for the best.

OP posts:
irishfarmer · 07/03/2022 11:22

Your friend sounds so thoughtful dropping around a little gift. I'm glad you're not alone.

Break ups are never easy but it sounds like you have kept your dignity very well intact. It has only been two days. Make sure he leaves on Friday. I'd be tempted to change the lock too

Hoppinggreen · 07/03/2022 11:23

Expect whining but stay strong!

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 07/03/2022 11:24

Maybe tell him that on further consideration, he should arrange for temporary storage and to put himself up for a few nights in a Travelodge or similar.

Allowing him to remain in the house sounds uncannily close to self harm and it feeds into his preferred narrative about mutual break-up while also demonstrating some degree of control over you.

He does not merit your consideration on this scale.

Motnight · 07/03/2022 11:25

Put yourself first, Op. Ask him to leave today.

Original poster
Crcohetmonster · 07/03/2022 11:26

I’ll be taking his key back, and giving it to DD as she’s lost hers. I’m feeling a lot stronger after talking to you lovely women, an d the support from my friends. Not one has said to go back to him. Even the ones who were mutual friends with him.

OP posts:
EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 07/03/2022 11:26

He can’t afford a hotel lol, he can’t afford much to be honest, apart from the things he gets for himself.

I was typing so hadn't seen the above: I wonder why that's your problem to solve for him. He'd been planning this for a while and hadn't thought the scenarios through which is on him and not you.

Loopytiles · 07/03/2022 11:29

You can do this!

Don’t cave. Loads of good content online about self respect and self care around break ups.

If he wanted you to ‘be kind’ he should’ve been kinder to you!

HazelBite · 07/03/2022 11:30

Does he have a credit card OP? If so he can afford a Travel Lodge!
I'm sure he has some friends who would put him up for a few days.
It is bare faced cheek to expect you to accomodate him, he can collect his "stuff" come the weekend, this hasn't come out of the blue for him as it has for you, tough shit if it is inconvenient for him!!

WallaceinAnderland · 07/03/2022 11:30

Absolutely tell him to leave today and if he doesn't call the police (if it's safe to do so) and they will escort him out.

Loopytiles · 07/03/2022 11:30

If you’re home alone would stick his stuff into bin bags, move it all into one room, and notify him by text to leave your property by X date (eg this eve) and remove his stuff by Saturday.

His accommodation isn’t your problem.

user1471538283 · 07/03/2022 11:33

You sound wonderful! Where he lives is his problem! That was big of him - I was going to dump you once I had sorted something out but I haven't so I'll stay here! Er no!

He needs to pack and leave tonight.

AryaStarkWolf · 07/03/2022 11:33

I suppose there's no wonder cure to grieving a relationship, you have to go through it to get over it and you will. It sounds like you have great friends and support so lean on them and accept their help

FlowerArranger · 07/03/2022 11:34

Pack his stuff and have it waiting by the door.
His inability to afford a hotel is not your problem.
Remember he was planning to use YOU as a hotel for however long, before you put him on the spot!
Have a couple of friends on standby to help if he gets difficult.
Look up locksmiths now in case he refuses to relinquish the key.
And absolutely get new bedding. And pillows, maybe even curtains, lamps - a total change.
FlowersFlowersFlowers

Original poster
Crcohetmonster · 07/03/2022 11:38

I may have self esteem issues lol. And be a complete doormat. I think also I was just a bit in shock. He went from happy chatting and offering to order dinner to i don’t love you in about 10 minutes. So I just agreed to whatever. Im definitely coming out of shock now though. Some very wise advice on here. I don’t think he’ll be violent or anything, that’s not him. But yes, he needs to be gone pronto

OP posts:
duvetdayforeveryone · 07/03/2022 11:39

Hell no!!! It is your house! He can pack himself a bag and he can stay with a friend, then he can move his stuff at the weekend. It is cruel still being around the house when he was the one that broke up with you.

crochetmonkey74 · 07/03/2022 11:39

Oh OP I was here Jan 2021 and it feels awful

You will get through it though, step by step, hour by hour

He is very cheeky expecting he gets to stay! He should be in a bloody hotel!

duvetdayforeveryone · 07/03/2022 11:39

@FlowerArranger

Pack his stuff and have it waiting by the door. His inability to afford a hotel is not your problem. Remember he was planning to use YOU as a hotel for however long, before you put him on the spot! Have a couple of friends on standby to help if he gets difficult. Look up locksmiths now in case he refuses to relinquish the key. And absolutely get new bedding. And pillows, maybe even curtains, lamps - a total change. FlowersFlowersFlowers
This. Very well said.
duvetdayforeveryone · 07/03/2022 11:42

He needs to be gone by tonight. He has to pack a bag and go stay in a hotel/friend/park bench.

Sassbott · 07/03/2022 11:42

Pack up his stuff.

Change the locks (sorry but don’t just take the key back, he now knows he is leaving and could use this interim time to copy your key). Security is a priority, just change locks.

Not your issue what he can/ cannot afford. If someone bins me out the blue and it’s my house? They’re out. Especially since he claims he was planning this?

I would have the locks changed today, then text him that he needs to collect his stuff and make other arrangements. I wouldn’t even let him back in. The only caveat to this is if we had already been working on the relationship and knew there were problems and it wasn’t a shock so to speak. In that situation I would seek to be amicable. But I would still change the locks once they were out.

Knittedfairies · 07/03/2022 11:43

I wouldn't bother getting the key from him; I'd get new locks just to ram home the message that he doesn't live there any more. Onwards and upwards OP💐

Delectable · 07/03/2022 11:44

He needs to leave now. He can pick up his stuff at the weekend. All of it.

Loopytiles · 07/03/2022 11:45

Yes, he had time to think it through before his announcement, whereas it’s a shock to you.

He seems to have failed to think through some stuff though, eg where to live! Duh.

duvetdayforeveryone · 07/03/2022 11:51

"they don’t love me any more and want to work on themselves"... sounds to me like he found someone else.

Hopefullyoneday12 · 07/03/2022 11:51

If he's got nowhere to go then he will have to present himself as homeless to the council.
When they turn him down and non-priority need he'll surely find a friend or relative to put him up. It's for him to work out. He's ended it you don't owe him a roof over his head .. he leaves today. You do not need 4 more days of living in a horrible environment, why should you subject yourself to that.

You're strong Op! You've got people. You will make it through this horrible time and flourish.

Hankunamatata · 07/03/2022 11:51

Your too nice. Pack his bags and change locks today.