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Original poster

Should I accept this money?

62 replies

shouldhestay · 06/03/2022 21:51

To set the scene I am one of three siblings, I'm far younger than the other two so we had a bit of a different time growing up. For example our parents divorced when I was 8 whereas they were at Uni by that point.

My Dad has recently inherited some money and wants to give it to me.

He wants to pay off my student loan (siblings had grants in their day) and also
give me £40k towards my mortgage.
I have a lot of feelings about this that I'm trying to get my head around.

I've never had any money from my Dad in my adult life (friends parents paid for their weddings, or gave them part of a deposit for a house but I've never had anything like that). I was also poor during childhood when he left mum as she had financial difficulty managing the house on her own,

So on the one hand this would be life changing for me, I have a massive mortgage and small kids and this would make life so much easier. Plus whether I like it of not, I will also be the main care giver for all 3 of our parents/step parents as my siblings live far away and have no interest. E.g. Last year my dads wife passed away and I supported him through that have helped him get his house sorted etc whereas my siblings only visit when they want a holiday.

So on the one hand I think that if that is what he wants to do with his money, I should gratefully accept.

On the other hand, I know it would upset my siblings if they ever found out, and even if they don't, I wonder if I should accept it.

What would you do?
Would I be a bad person to accept?

OP posts:
raspberrycordial · 06/03/2022 21:59

I know it can be hard to accept but he wants to do it and if the shoe was on the other foot and you were the parent in a position to give a life changing amount to your children-what would you do? I know I would love to be able to do that when my children are older.

Nelliephant1 · 06/03/2022 22:02

My father in law desperately wanted to do this for my husband (late baby too!) but he said no. My goodness we could have been doing with it but ultimately it would have been unfair to the other two and it's just not the right thing to do.

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 06/03/2022 22:05

I think I would accept the money for the student loans. Your siblings didn't have them so that would be equalising. I wouldn't accept the money for my house though, I think that has the potential to drive a wedge between you and your siblings

HollowTalk · 06/03/2022 22:06

I would definitely accept such a kind offer. He is right. You had a student debt which your siblings didn't have. You will be doing a lot more for all of the older generation than any of your siblings. I would just keep it quiet though and wouldn't tell anyone, even your mum if you can do that.

RandomMess · 06/03/2022 22:07

I would accept.

You have been there for him and will continue to do so in the future. He's rather you had a larger share now to benefit from rather than when he eventually dies.

antwacky · 06/03/2022 22:10

Accept the money from your Dad, you're there caring and supporting him. He obviously wants to make your life a little easier now.

PoshCoffeeOnly · 06/03/2022 22:12

I would accept it.

If I was in your siblings position I would understand why you were being gifted it and happy that you were.

As you say, they have benefited from cheaper higher education and, I would imagine lower house prices.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 06/03/2022 22:22

My df never supported me as a dc.. My dm struggled and we had nowt... As an adult he saw my dc but never spent more than a bag of sweets for them to share... Sale items at Xmas etc with tags on unwrapped. Minimum effort all round. He came into money. Big money. We got nothing at all. Not even a bag of sweets.. Yet again he showed us our worth. Imo. If he had treated us as def wasn't the norm I would have felt some worth. I would have had some respect for him that he had tried to make amends somehow.. Take the money op. Make it count.

Hopefullyoneday12 · 06/03/2022 22:23

Could make things very difficult with your siblings. I'm not sure I would accept, if I valued having the siblings in my life. I'd at least ask DF to explain to them why, in advance, so it's not seen as favouritism.

Personally, £40k wouldn't be enough for me to fall out long term with siblings. I wouldn't want to be resented for years and years over this.

FatFilledTrottyPuss · 06/03/2022 22:26

It’s your dad’s money and up to him what he does with it or who he gives it to. Just accept it gratefully and make the most of it. Smile

UnvarnishedTruth · 06/03/2022 22:44

You should accept it.

OppsUpsSide · 06/03/2022 22:46

I always think that what my DP’s choose to do with their own money is entirely up to them, it’s not up to me. I wouldn’t say ‘no’ to their plans for their money whether I was a beneficiary or not. I think it’s a bit high handed if you to decline actually.

thiswasmetoo · 06/03/2022 22:51

i had 4 elder siblings, as parents became older the burden fell 100% on me and consequently DH. As things progressed i took time off work, and eventually left work and moved back home as full time carer. I do not regret this for one second but has had a long term impact on my earnings and also my relationship. Meanwhile my siblings progressed in their careers and have out earned me. My parents offered me money when i moved in and i declined. After they passed their entire estate was split 5 ways , they all bought holidays and cars and i paid off bills and debts.
So i say take the offer as your dad is understanding your burden

Original poster
shouldhestay · 06/03/2022 22:58

@thiswasmetoo
I can imagine the same for me. While my siblings work full time, I'll likely stay part time so I can take care of the parents and that has a significant financial implication.
£40k seems like a massive amount of money but realistically it is about 4 years of paying the difference between part time work and full time... and I can easily imagine myself being a part time care giver for at least 4 years, all while my siblings happily carry on earning a full time salary.

OP posts:
TricksAnd · 06/03/2022 22:59

Ihmm, maybe take the money for the student loan but ask for the rest to be split evenly.
I personally would never think I deserve more because I do more for my parents. I do a lot more than my siblings but don't think that means I should be paid for it. I look after my parents because I want to. I think it's shitty for parents to treat kids differently unless there is a good reason such as a disability.

Tuiwow · 06/03/2022 23:04

So do you think if offered to your siblings instead of you, they will refuse thinking of you?

SpiderinaWingMirror · 06/03/2022 23:06

Take it.
Say thank you.

DamnYouAutoCarRental · 06/03/2022 23:09

Going by the grant/loan difference, did your siblings buy houses for peanuts and you after they went through the roof? If they had the benefit of buying years earlier, then fair isn't the same as equal when it comes to financial help with housing.

heyyellowyellow · 06/03/2022 23:14

Accept it, with no guilt or second thoughts. It’s not your place to be answerable to your dad’s thinking if this is something your siblings eventually come to know about and (another if!) if they are unhappy with your dad’s decision, that’s for them to work through, you have no responsibility to keep them happy (if that makes sense).

Divebar2021 · 06/03/2022 23:20

Well speaking as someone who has 2 younger siblings who have been gifted way, way more money than I’ve ever had from my parents it’s a tough place to be. Both been given £15k for home improvements, bought £10k cars plus endless other amounts. The perception is that I don’t need it because I’m married when actually it’s partly about making sensible life choices ( not taking on debt for example). The message it sends me is I don’t count as highly. So do what you feel is right but I can’t imagine favouring one child on this way.

Embracelife · 06/03/2022 23:23

If you working part time /on lower salary
No point paying off studentvloans as will not be much per month
Take the extra 27k towards your mortgage

GeorgiaGirl52 · 06/03/2022 23:24

I have been in your position. My aunt was widowed, retired and childless, but had six nieces. Three lived out of the country and called about twice a year - Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas.
The other three (myself included) lived nearby (within 12 miles).

As she got older, she needed more help. Vision loss meant she could not drive, so lots of errands, medical appointments, every Sunday church, etc. For the last five years I did all of it - groceries, hairdresser, medical, dental, even changed my church membership to her church since I was taking her every week and not attending mine. The other two dropped in for an hour or so every few weeks. (One also borrowed quite a bit of money - $40,000, for her daughter's wedding and didn't sign anything. She paid back $300!) I said nothing since it was her money and she was mentally sharp.
When my aunt died, she left a will. Her savings was divided among we three nieces. BUT - she left her house to a great-niece and two college savings accounts to a great-niece and nephew. Also a large donation to her church. AND she included a stipulation that if any of the three challenged her will they would get nothing.
My point: Accept your DF's offer. He knows what he is doing and he has his reasons. It is irrational to say that children don't Deserve any inheritance but if any inheritance is available then all children Deserve equal amount despite their circumstances.

Chohlin654 · 06/03/2022 23:26

Take it, thank him and don't give it another thought.

Chloemol · 06/03/2022 23:35

I would take it

If they complain, they had grants, you didn’t so that’s fair. You are doing all the caring, they are not

SummerWhisper · 07/03/2022 00:03

Those who are saying "don't accept" also don't seem to recognise your situation: you will be his carer and you will lose earnings or earning potential. This is the basis on which you should graciously and gratefully accept. The lack of student fees and cheap housing for your older siblings is not as relevant as your near-future role. Take it. Congratulations 💐