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Original poster

Should I accept this money?

62 replies

shouldhestay · 06/03/2022 21:51

To set the scene I am one of three siblings, I'm far younger than the other two so we had a bit of a different time growing up. For example our parents divorced when I was 8 whereas they were at Uni by that point.

My Dad has recently inherited some money and wants to give it to me.

He wants to pay off my student loan (siblings had grants in their day) and also
give me £40k towards my mortgage.
I have a lot of feelings about this that I'm trying to get my head around.

I've never had any money from my Dad in my adult life (friends parents paid for their weddings, or gave them part of a deposit for a house but I've never had anything like that). I was also poor during childhood when he left mum as she had financial difficulty managing the house on her own,

So on the one hand this would be life changing for me, I have a massive mortgage and small kids and this would make life so much easier. Plus whether I like it of not, I will also be the main care giver for all 3 of our parents/step parents as my siblings live far away and have no interest. E.g. Last year my dads wife passed away and I supported him through that have helped him get his house sorted etc whereas my siblings only visit when they want a holiday.

So on the one hand I think that if that is what he wants to do with his money, I should gratefully accept.

On the other hand, I know it would upset my siblings if they ever found out, and even if they don't, I wonder if I should accept it.

What would you do?
Would I be a bad person to accept?

OP posts:
spaceman1 · 07/03/2022 07:05

I would speak to your siblings and explain the position you are in and get it out in the open. If they agree then accept the money.

Mistressiggi · 07/03/2022 07:19

I don't think the siblings ever need to know, do they? As long as the giver outlives the gift by many years, they won't have access to bank records going back ten years etc.
OP I wouldn't work part time on the basis of being a carer for your parents. What will that do to your future prospects?

Longsight2019 · 07/03/2022 07:21

@Divebar2021

Well speaking as someone who has 2 younger siblings who have been gifted way, way more money than I’ve ever had from my parents it’s a tough place to be. Both been given £15k for home improvements, bought £10k cars plus endless other amounts. The perception is that I don’t need it because I’m married when actually it’s partly about making sensible life choices ( not taking on debt for example). The message it sends me is I don’t count as highly. So do what you feel is right but I can’t imagine favouring one child on this way.
We have this issue on my wife’s side. The imbalance stinks and has made my wife feel so upset and undervalued.

To the OP - do your older siblings know of his latest financial gain? Do they have to know about his gift? Couod you talk to him about your concerns?

You should accept it, but only if he has other assets which they will have a share of upon his death.

Jobsharenightmare · 07/03/2022 07:28

You are doing more hands on care or plan to thereby reducing your earning potential. Fair doesn't mean equal. Accept the offer.

RantyAunty · 07/03/2022 07:30

Of course graciously accept it.

Then keep it to yourself. Tell no one. Not a friend, partner, child, no one.

NiceTwin · 07/03/2022 07:36

I am one of the siblings in this case.

Neither me or my dsis mind that elder dsis has been given not insignificant amounts of money over the years. They payed her mortgage for at least 2 years.
It is down to her life choices that money is short, just as it is down to my other dsis and I making different choices that put us on a different financial past.

I am grateful they helped my dsis out, she has had a rough time of things financially all her life.

Accept it. Your df wouldn't offer if it isn't what he wanted.

girlmom21 · 07/03/2022 07:39

Accept it. I wouldn't begrudge my sibling a vast amount of money if it benefitted them, and especially if it benefitted their children.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 07/03/2022 07:55

If you do accept it will you feel ‘beholden’? Is it sensible to work p/t rather than f/t if the only reason is to support your parents? It could go on for years and years, and it isn’t just the loss of income, it’s loss of pension contributions, including the extra employer’s contributions and tax contribution. With the increase over time in those amounts as you approach pension age, the impact will be huge.

There is help available. If they are incapacitated they can get attendance allowance which is not means tested.

I think it is nice that your Dad is acknowledging that you grew up in tougher circumstances and ended up with a student loan.

Universe1969 · 07/03/2022 07:58

Don’t pay off the loan. Pay off the mortgage. Read martin Lewis or contact him for advice

romdowa · 07/03/2022 07:59

I'd take it and say fuck em. You'll be the one who'll have to help in your parents older years . You are all adults now and all this fair business is just for children. Do you think your siblings would turn down such an offer because you weren't getting the Same? They'd probably take hand and all off him and not give you a second thought

Velvetbee · 07/03/2022 08:01

Take the money.

Forestdweller11 · 07/03/2022 08:13

Are you actually repaying your student loan? Likely to have to start?. If you aren't there's little point in repaying it now.

Will it be tricky to accept the money and then interact with your siblings? Will you feel guilty? (No reason to).

I think I'd accept some of the money, but ask that siblings get some to (not necessarily equal shares) . So you've all had a bit. None needs to know exactly how much each of you gets.

Isonthecase · 07/03/2022 08:17

What is your student loan now? I'd take the value of it for sure and have a think about the rest. Ultimately though if that money enables you to afford to stay part time to help out your parents then it seems an obvious choice, or perhaps your siblings would prefer to move closer and go part-time instead?

bluecampbell · 07/03/2022 08:24

I would accept it. He's made the decision to give it to you, and it will make a huge difference to your life. Notwithstanding the fact you will be the caregiver later on, it's his money and he wants you to have it. It's nothing at all to do with your siblings so I would not let them know.

Phos · 07/03/2022 08:29

Take it, say thank you and sod your siblings finding out. If they are so uninterested as you say they are, they shouldn't be interested in his money either.

Beautiful3 · 07/03/2022 08:35

It's your father's money and he wishes to gift it to you. You should respect his wishes by accepting it and staying quiet about it. Your siblings never need to know. Your father obvious wants to reward you for all the support you provide.

SummerOfComedy · 07/03/2022 08:37

When I was just starting out with a house and small children like you, my parents would give me sums of money and I never questioned whether they had given any to my siblings. And I never asked them. Just never discussed it.

Id accept it, thank your dad and keep quiet about it.

No one needs to know.

🙂

spacehardware · 07/03/2022 09:02

It's none of your siblings business. How close are you anyway? Who cares what they think

If they don't like it, they could move closer to him, reduce their working hours and be his carer instead. Somehow I don't think they'll take you up on that offer

Citygirl2019 · 07/03/2022 09:04

It is this kind of thing that divides families. I've been offered significant money by a grandparent which would be to the detriment of my siblings. I have refused. Yes, I do more, but that is my choice. If you are going to take the money I would advise you are honest with your siblings about it. It will come to light when his financial affairs are sorted in the future.

timeisnotaline · 07/03/2022 10:33

I’d accept. Absolutely re the student loans and for the rest if siblings kicked off I’d say if you move back and go part time to look after mum and dad when they are old I’ll take out a loan and pay it back over to you. But if it’s me doing that like it’s been me for the past 5?years for anything, don’t you want to know I can pay my bills while being the only one there for our dad?
May as well tell it straight.

MunchyMonsters · 07/03/2022 10:58

My DP's have given me and my siblings varying amounts of money over the years - its their money and they can do what they like with it.

Quitelikeit · 07/03/2022 11:04

Take it. Also consider that student loans get written off after a certain amount of time or if you are working part time you’d never have to pay them back anyway. Better to pay all the money off the mortgage IMO.

Yes the others will be resentful if they find out. Do you know why he isn’t giving them money? Or are you certain he hasn’t already??

StopStartStop · 07/03/2022 11:10

Accept. Use a quarter. Put the rest away until the shit hits the fan. If it does, split what's left between the three (?) of you.

caringcarer · 07/03/2022 11:13

I would take money for student loan as your siblings never had to have one but ask your Dad if rest can be split with be siblings. When your parents have gone, you will be so glad you have siblings. Do risk losing their support.

Citygirl2019 · 07/03/2022 11:20

Op how old is your DF? How is his health? What support are you currently providing? Would you be returning to work full time if you didn't have caring responsibilities for your dad?

If you are going to accept the money then be upfront with your siblings. Explain I'm doing xyz for DF, this is preventing me working full time. DF has offered me this money to support me to remain part time.

If my sibling was genuinely taking on all caring responsibilities and they were needed. I wouldn't have an issue. But this would be dependent on their being genuine health needs. Also, can you honestly say you will never work full time while your DF needs care? What if your family situation changed and you needed a full time salary. Then what happens.