Gambling husband

[incrediblecayote]

My husband recently brought to my attention he had been gambling again. The first time about 4years ago I found out by accident but this time he came to tell me.
He has spent savings and even lied about borrowing money from myself.... I should have known better. On top of that there is credit cards, loans and personal borrowing from friends. About £18k he sold his motorbike to make a dent in it but it's know where near to being gone.
This time I have refused to pay it off. I said I will support him but I won't play banker.
I managed to sort out the creditors and froze interest and arranged payment plans. However I gave in and started paying his personal debts when they put the pressure on.
He is determined to make amends and is working all hours to "fix" it. We have 3 young children and it is putting pressure on our marriage. I get upset a lot and cry daily. During the first couple of weeks he couldn't do enough but that's come to an end.
Last night I cried and told him I was still upset and the knock on effect it's had on our family. He basically told me he is doing everything he can to fix it and working all hours and it's him that's the victim not me. I'm so lost, I feel constantly ill and I don't know what to do.

We're just giving this thread a bump to get it back into active conversations - hopefully some Mumsnetters will be along soon with some advice and support.

OP, we're sorry you're going through such a difficult time. If you'd like us to move this thread over to our Relationships topic, just hit the report button to let us know.

Sorry to hear. Gambling is such a horrible addiction. I think you are right to not play banker. I would suggest you contact Gam-anon which supports the partners/spouses of problem gamblers.
My ex was a gambler - it's the reason he is my ex. Sorry there are no easy answers but ultimately my life is much, much better without worrying about his addiction/debts all the time, and I'm now very happily married to someone else. Don't let him drag you down.

We got over the initial hurdle of the gambling but everything seems a little strained now. He was out drinking all night Thursday and strolled in after midnight. We had a huge fallout, he says he is sorry but doesn't want to talk about it. Told me I'm controlling and want him to do what I want. I kind of agree, he makes such poor choices.

I do believe that people can overcome addictions, but there seems to be more at play here than only the gambling. Does he drink a lot? Does he make you feel like you're in the wrong all the time?
I can see how difficult this is for you, especially with 3 children. Would he go to counselling with you? if not, can you go on your own, as it sounds like you need some support.

I’m not sure what advice you’re looking for op. The obvious answer is to leave this unapologetic leech that is sucking the life (and money) out of you. Or just accept that you’ll spend the rest of your life getting into debt and bailing him out

I don't think you're controlling. You have 3 young children and he's gambling away thousands of pounds, expecting you to pay off the debts and then going out drinking all night. If he was sorry he wouldn't be saying you were controlling. He will do it again. He doesn't seem to care about how his actions affect his family.

This man will destroy your life if you stay with him. You must divorce him.

I would suggest that he goes to somewhere like CAB. They will tell it like it is. Sometimes it hits home a lot harder when he hears the potential outcomes from a third party that isn't emotionally involved. However they, and other agencies, may withdraw support if they get evidence of further gambling.

He thinks a quick 'sorry' and working to pay off the debt is enough. He refuses to acknowledge the damage he has done, the hurt he has caused you and the betrayal he has committed against you and against his own children.

I would seriously consider whether or not this is a marriage worth staying in. The gambling is bad enough, but the total lack of remorse and empathy would be a deal breaker for me.

What a life for you and your children.

Of course you are helping to prolong the agony by saving him again.

Your future and that of your poor children holds nothing but stress, desperation and utter misery.

He's an addict and always will be.

He will beggar you and your children.
He isn't even that sorry really.

All that is important is that he feeds the addiction.

He will lie on the lives of your children, anything to get what he wants.

You need to contact gambling organisations that support familys.

Do not let this be your life.

At a certain point you will walk away because you will realise only he can save himself.

Don't allow him to bankrupt you in the process....because he will.

Are you renters or not?

If you have a morgage, insist he signs the house completely over to you.

This will protect the home from his debts.

As for your marriage?
The best thing you could do is accept it's over and put your children first and divorce him.

Please tell your family and friends and his family about the gambling.

Shine a light on it.
Don't keep his dirty secret.

Help yourself by telling people so YOU can get support.

You are no longer a team.
Stop behaving like one.

The bit about you paying off his personal debt after "they" put pressure on, worried me. Has he been borrowing off loan sharks, or playing poker with people who've allowed him "tick"? Because these can be very unpleasant people to deal with when things go wrong.

Do you honestly think this marriage is worth fighting for? If you think it might not be, could you work out an exit plan?

He is only as sorry as he needs to be to get you to capitulate and sort out his mess/pay toward his debt. Don’t forget that.

He is only as sorry as he needs to be to get you to capitulate and sort out his mess/pay toward his debt. Don’t forget that.
@Poshjock is right. Why on earth did you sort out the creditors and froze interest and arranged payment plans. ? This is his mess. Why is he out spending money on booze when you're paying his debts back yet again, when you you wouldn't?

He really has to suffer the consequences of his addiction if he is going to have any chance of addressing it. By bailing him out, you are enabling him to keep going - you aren't helping, you're perpetuating the problem.

Equally I can see that you need to act to ensure there is some financial stability in your house, but I do think that is by severing your financial relationship entirely.

Sorry I would make plans to leave- he’ll do it again!

I seriously think you need to leave him, and leave his debt with him.
He is not a victim, he is the cause, you and your children are victims of his choices.
And he’s meant to be working hard to pay money back, but then spent money on alcohol.
He has already broken his promise.
He is an addict and your children are growing up with him. Where might that leave them in the future ?
Seriously, free yourself.

He will take you and your children down with him.

You need to divorce him before you end up further in the mire. You are part of the problem in that your enabling behaviour here (in sorting out his payment plans amongst other things) only gives you a false sense of control. Enabling does not help him but instead shields him from the consequences of his actions and choices.

Would you want your children as adults to be in such a relationship - hell no. Its not good enough for you either. Did you see similar in your childhood?.

My current boyfriend told me that years ago (in his 20s) when he married young, he gambled. He moved far from his family and did it to ease his stress and have fun. He also said the doormen/cab drivers would make it easy to get into the casino too.

He luckily stopped and doesn't do it now and hasn't done for years.

This man is an addict. He won't stop or change or it'll be a long, hard road.

He needs to contact one of the gambling counselling services. It is extremely addictive and online gambling is the devil and shouldn't be allowed IMHO. Or at least severely restricted.

Has he self excluded with GAMSTOP?

You need to divorce him. Other posters are not lying when they said he will beggar your family.

Get your ducks in a row. Stop bailing him out and check your credit to make sure he isn’t running up debts in your name. Get a safety deposit box (Metrobank have them if there’s a branch near you) and secure your valuable jewellery and any important documents. Then speak to a solicitor and get ready to divorce him. You gave him one chance before and he blew it. Put the security of yourself and your kids first.

Get rid

After this time I restricted all monies and the house is in my name. He pays the debts off with his own money but I did have to help with the personal debts. These weren't loan sharks but friends that relied heavily upon the money he said he would pay them back. He did the gamstop thing and sought help from an online one, and I spoke to the same ones after for the emotional support. I made him tell the people he borrowed money from, His parents and my parents. He doesn't have access to money as both his bank accounts were closed and his credit is so bad no one will give him another.

He will gamble everything because he has said he is sorry and he has given paying his debts a go.

I know it's an addiction but like all addictions its selfish.

I would want him elsewhere to work on himself, pay his debts and be clean of gambling before I could even start to forgive. I could never be with a gambler now because of my experience.

You need to leave. I've been in your situation and from your post you state he's done it before and now he's done it again. He will repeat this cycle over and over again. Even if he's paying it back it's still taking away family income.

Do you want to live a life watching where his moneys going? Always worried that he could get his hands on your money and lose it all.

He came to you to fix it, now he's decided that he's been apologetic enough and the blame game has started. He gambled, his problem. Don't make it yours.

Get out whilst you can.