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Original poster

This is over isn't it?

71 replies

hurtandconfused85 · 05/03/2022 06:13

Partner of 7 years and father to our baby told me yesterday he no longer loves me. I asked what he feels - he said he doesn't know but he doesn't hate me or love me, just "respects" me. 🤷‍♀️ He says there's no one else, he doesn't want to leave either, he wants to work on the relationship and see if it can improve. My thoughts are that once the love has gone that's it, right? It's not something you work on, you either love the person or you don't?

We've had lots of arguments over the past year since the birth of our little one but equally we've had many lovely times too. I assumed this was all normal after becoming new parents and being as exhausted as we are. Despite it all I knew deep down I still love him, just that we are going through a rough patch after becoming new parents. But to hear him say that. I'm just broken. Really fucking broken.

Is this saveable? Or is it over?

OP posts:
lemongreentea · 05/03/2022 06:15

I'm sorry OP, this sounds very hard but yes it is over because more likely than not he has lined someone else up. He's a coward and a liar. You will get through this and be okay Flowers

Original poster
hurtandconfused85 · 05/03/2022 06:22

Thanks for your reply. This was my first question to him and he denies it, he's also saying he wants to work on things and see it it gets better. Surely he would just want to leave if there was someone else? I'm so confused 😕

OP posts:
GinGym · 05/03/2022 06:27

I don't know what advice to gove here as I was on the other side of things. I ended my 20 year relationship a couple of years ago (married 18 years) as I no longer loved my ex and hadn't for a long time. However, there were a lot of issues surrounding our relationship and our kids were no longer babies so my scenario is different.

Becoming parents changes everything. Maybe you two need to start reconnecting as a couple and see yourselves and each other as individuals rather than just parents? If you are sure he has been faithful perhaps suggest some time alone together on a regular basis and see how you go? Also think about what you want out of the relationship and make sure your needs are met too. It isn't all about him and how he feels. Good luck x

Original poster
hurtandconfused85 · 05/03/2022 06:31

@GinGym

He has suggested this too, he wants to "work on things" and spend time together to see if it helps him feel something different. In all honesty my instinct is to just tell him to get lost. If he doesn't love me I have no interest in spending time with him so he can see whether he he might love me again. It all feels so desperate. I just want to leave now and have a chance at happiness elsewhere

OP posts:
Original poster
hurtandconfused85 · 05/03/2022 06:33

I think what I'm trying to say is once you say those words to someone - there's no going back is there? I see it as very final.

OP posts:
lemongreentea · 05/03/2022 06:38

I agree with you, once the words have come out they are hard to forget.

'Surely he would just want to leave if there was someone else?'

usually, not always, but usually they have someone else waiting in the wings and if you did some digging you'd find her. Really sorry.

Wiredforsound · 05/03/2022 06:45

Cherchez la femme.

Original poster
hurtandconfused85 · 05/03/2022 06:51

Ok so.. Where do I start trying to find out if there's another woman? His phone is all password protected so I can't get in it.

OP posts:
Riseholme · 05/03/2022 06:53

He’s at a turning point and by saying he doesn’t love you but wants to work on things he can justify that ‘he tried.’
Obviously he knows that now things will become strained and he’s lining you up to take the blame when the relationship ends and he goes to be with OW.

Riseholme · 05/03/2022 06:54

@hurtandconfused85

Ok so.. Where do I start trying to find out if there's another woman? His phone is all password protected so I can't get in it.
Does his phone link to any other devices? You’ll soon find out if there is another woman when you tell him to leave.
Biscuitswithteaa · 05/03/2022 06:58

Love doesn't just stop. I believe the bond stops first. Relationships can get testing around 7 or 8 years. When we have children we sometimes through no fault of our own (lack of babysitters and tiredness) forget to be a couple. It happened to me at 8 years. I ended it. We just fizzled out. Sex for us never happened naturally. We just did missionary in the evenings..no passion. No fun. Never went on dates. Evenings were boring. Weekends were stressful. Nothing seemed to work.

I'll be honest I ended up fancying another man who I genuinely wanted to get to know. I was laying in bed alone with no sex life. I was bored. I am now with the guy above but never went near him until 9 months after I ended things with My ex. We did talk on and off though.

It's so sad to be in this situation. I am sure he does love you and it would rip his heart out if you was hurt or something. But perhaps he's just not getting the bond anymore. I hope you both can figure it out. But be realistic and honest with eachother.

How's your sex life.
How is conversation
Are you supporting eachother enough.
Are you splitting housework properly.
Are you dating?
Are you making time for eachother?
Have you emotionally changed and grew apart from when you met?
Do you both put effort in with your appearance (it's so easy with a child to be in your pj's looking half dead more than dressed lol)

There's lots of little things. In my situation we just don't meet on humour and conversation. It was boring .

Good luck x

BlancheB · 05/03/2022 06:59

In all honesty my instinct is to just tell him to get lost

Trust your instinct. I'm sorry that this has happened to you but I agree with others it sounds like he's clearing his conscience and there's more than likely someone else.

KindlyKanga · 05/03/2022 07:00

Yes sorry

GeneLovesJezebel · 05/03/2022 07:00

I think he’s letting you down gently and it’s over.
Have you thought about how you would cope alone financially ?

Summerfun54321 · 05/03/2022 07:06

I expect him saying “I want to work on it” is his way of blaming you for the breakdown of your relationship after you tell him to get lost. I’d call his bluff and organise relationship counselling and watch him squirm.

flushthetoiletagain · 05/03/2022 07:11

I found this was quite normal to be honest once babies appear but don't give up, I hope it's a rough patch you can both work through. It's a good sign that he doesn't want to leave.

Littlegoth · 05/03/2022 07:12

I would just ask to see his phone. If he says no then you have your answer.

I’m a private person but the only time I’ve not been happy for partners to have access to my phone is when there’s been something on it I didn’t want them to see.

NameGoesHere · 05/03/2022 07:21

There’s no going back from this.

lonelydad2022 · 05/03/2022 07:23

@hurtandconfused85

Partner of 7 years and father to our baby told me yesterday he no longer loves me. I asked what he feels - he said he doesn't know but he doesn't hate me or love me, just "respects" me. 🤷‍♀️ He says there's no one else, he doesn't want to leave either, he wants to work on the relationship and see if it can improve. My thoughts are that once the love has gone that's it, right? It's not something you work on, you either love the person or you don't?

We've had lots of arguments over the past year since the birth of our little one but equally we've had many lovely times too. I assumed this was all normal after becoming new parents and being as exhausted as we are. Despite it all I knew deep down I still love him, just that we are going through a rough patch after becoming new parents. But to hear him say that. I'm just broken. Really fucking broken.

Is this saveable? Or is it over?

It's over. He is a coward and doesn't want to tell you the true. Move on.
chocolateorangeinhaler · 05/03/2022 07:25

Oh for goodness sake @lemongreentea the OP has said - if you read it - that he has said there is nobody else. Stop making stupid and upsetting suggestions, you have no evidence to the contrary.

Indigoo03 · 05/03/2022 07:29

I think you can try and see how it goes.

Jvg33 · 05/03/2022 07:30

Is he a honest and open book kind of person usually towards yourself?

If so, I think it might not be over as the birth of a new child does shake up a relationship.

lemongreentea · 05/03/2022 07:36

@chocolateorangeinhaler

Oh for goodness sake *@lemongreentea* the OP has said - if you read it - that he has said there is nobody else. Stop making stupid and upsetting suggestions, you have no evidence to the contrary.
Oh for goodness sake yourself Biscuit
iPaddy · 05/03/2022 07:38

A baby is a massive shock to a relationship. Men seem less able to cope with the inevitable changes and want to go back to the way things were. It's possible to recover but only if he is being completely honest and willing to try.

lemongreentea · 05/03/2022 07:39

@hurtandconfused85

Ok so.. Where do I start trying to find out if there's another woman? His phone is all password protected so I can't get in it.
Honestly don't waste your energy on this, it will just make your upset and paranoid. Focus on yourself and your baby instead starting with sortng out how you will do financially if you do divorce.

I'm really sorry OP, not trying to upset you. You will be okay Flowers