Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is over isn't it?

71 replies

hurtandconfused85 · 05/03/2022 06:13

Partner of 7 years and father to our baby told me yesterday he no longer loves me. I asked what he feels - he said he doesn't know but he doesn't hate me or love me, just "respects" me. 🤷‍♀️ He says there's no one else, he doesn't want to leave either, he wants to work on the relationship and see if it can improve. My thoughts are that once the love has gone that's it, right? It's not something you work on, you either love the person or you don't?

We've had lots of arguments over the past year since the birth of our little one but equally we've had many lovely times too. I assumed this was all normal after becoming new parents and being as exhausted as we are. Despite it all I knew deep down I still love him, just that we are going through a rough patch after becoming new parents. But to hear him say that. I'm just broken. Really fucking broken.

Is this saveable? Or is it over?

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 05/03/2022 07:47

@hurtandconfused85

Ok so.. Where do I start trying to find out if there's another woman? His phone is all password protected so I can't get in it.
It doesn’t really matter if there’s another woman or not, he has said he doesn’t love you. So what’s the point in carrying on with him ?
MrsFumbledore121 · 05/03/2022 07:53

My first thought is that there’s another woman, it happened to me. My husband said the same, I asked him more than once if there was someone else, he denied it
Until I found out that there was indeed another woman

monroeagogo · 05/03/2022 08:00

Men don't leave unless they have a new owner.

They're like dogs.

MayMorris · 05/03/2022 08:06

Ime someone saying they “ don’t love you anymore” can be just a sign of the relationship changing in the way it does for most post birthdays of kids.
There’s a whole bunch of different emotions we label as “love”. It’s a short hand word to describe a bunch of feelings we can’t quite articulate. There’s sexual attraction/lust, admiration and respect, affection, idolisation and a whole bunch of other things. We “love” our children, and (usually) our parents and siblings, and our long term partners- but it would be a criminal offence if we “loved” them all in exactly the same way and expressed it in the same way.
Talk to your husband about the emotions and feelings underlying his statement. It is very common that lust/sexual attraction wains after birth of kids for many very valid reasons and many relationships struggle with that and unrealistic expectations. If other aspects of love remain such as respect, affection, etc and you “work” well as a team in all aspects of your lives together, then it is still worth hanging onto and having some counselling to acquire some help to get through this period is absolutely worth doing.

Justtobeclear · 05/03/2022 08:09

This happened to me when dc’s were less than a year old. I went to stay with my parents for a week and had time to process it. In that time he begged me to come back, missed me and the dc’s, guilted me into being the one that “broke up the family.” I asked him if there was an OW he said no. Turned out there was but she wasn’t ready to leave her DH at that point obviously he didn’t want to be alone. There’s a small chance he’s just communicating his feelings but I would go with your gut.

GinGym · 05/03/2022 08:30

@hurtandconfused85

I think what I'm trying to say is once you say those words to someone - there's no going back is there? I see it as very final.
You are right. I thought very carefully before I said the words to my ex because I knew the impact of them. I think once the feeling is gone, it is gone for good, but that is just my own experience so others may be different.

I think you need to do what feels right for you. No-one knows the personal dynamics of your life or relationship but I really hope you find happiness, one way or the other.

lalafam · 05/03/2022 08:34

Things are difficult in the first year of having a baby. Exhaustion sets in, emotions run high. We can resent the other spouse for varying reasons. It may not be the end. We fall in and out of love with our partners over the years. Maybe set more time for the 2 of you, give it some time and see if it improves. I wouldn't be so quick to throw the towel in x

elociN5 · 05/03/2022 08:49

I am sooty you had to hear this.
I was on the other side a few years ago, we drifted apart (several children, very busy, work, etc), he mainly ignored me in the evenings watching Moro racing (which I also sometimes enjoyed), we didn't do things together any more, didn't argue every day but did argue more, he also, as I though, let me down a few months previously and I felt he didn't love me any more. Our youngest was nearly 4, eldest nearly 14. I was feeling quite unhappy, and someone I'd known for 18 years but never saw much confused me, while "opening my eyes
" to the fact I was miserable. I felt unappreciated, unloved, taken for granted and very sad. I didn't want to tell my husband but he asked me why I was so down and wouldn't budge so I told him my feelings had changed. I said similar things to what your husband said that I wanted to work on it but I didn't know how, husband didn't want to change anything. When I told him he was very upset and even tearful, I tried really hard to rekindle my love for him as we were so in love in the beginning and remembered that feeling and wanted to find it again. We created some distance between us, not deliberately, but I had some work away from home a couple of days a week and he just bottles things up and so we continued for a couple of months. We had a few talks and divorce came up (from me) but he said nothing at all about it. The emotional and physical distance, however, made me realise I still loved him just didn't love how things were in general. I told him but he was a bit funny about it and then I found out from my eldest son that he was seeing a neighbour (son found out accidentally and got really upset). It was hell during the following months as she lived two doors down and the children got involved (she has 3 and our middle 2 were the same age and at the same school. We had counselling but he liked being 'single' and tried to drive me out without getting divorced and blame me for everything.he admitted dating the neighbour to get back at me for hurting him. Needless to say we got divorced in the end but not immediately, he no longer loved me but wanted to stay married and me to move out so he didn't have to share anything. I eventually filed for divorce. It was messy and bitter. I have now remarried but that's another story.
I hope you are just going through a rough patch. X

MunchyMonsters · 05/03/2022 08:49

Other women or not, you are right, it's over.

Nidan2Sandan · 05/03/2022 08:55

My first thoughts OP was him saying he wants to work at it comes across more like

"I dont love you anymore, but if YOU maybe work a bit harder, put me on a pedestal and obey my every whim, YOU might win me back. If you're lucky"

Weatherwax13 · 05/03/2022 09:04

If my DH said something like " I'm miserable. I feel like we're just going through the motions. We need to do something" I'd be really fucking upset. But I think I'd ask what was wrong and what he wanted to do, and his response to that would make my decision.
But if he said he didn't love me any more, that would be it for me. Finito.
I really feel for you OP.

girlmom21 · 05/03/2022 09:06

Don't waste your time looking for the other woman. He's told you he doesn't love you.

singlepringlenotbychoice · 05/03/2022 09:08

My husband told me he didn't love me last September, he moved out for a few weeks but came back saying he wanted to try to work things out. He left again a month ago and I can honestly say all the effort came from me. I think he came back as it was seen to be the right thing to do and so it wasn't seen as though he just gave up.

I've been told the same things; that there's no one else, he's not cheated, he doesn't see himself with anyone else he just doesn't love me any more. I'm sceptical but I can only believe what he tells me. The truth will come out eventually.

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 05/03/2022 09:11

You deserve better - maybe take some space, ask him to move out for a couple of weeks if you can manage with baby? Or can you go stay with family with baby? If there is someone else that may then become obvious or it might hopefully allow dust to settle and for you to see how you feel about him now. You should be very clear that for you this may well be a deal breaker & working on the relationship is not going to be the answer if there isn't love - you deserve to be loved and adored by your DP, don't settle for less! Thanks

MiddleAgedLurker · 05/03/2022 09:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

baileys6904 · 05/03/2022 09:56

I wondered how long it would be before some would suggest another woman, and literally the first fucking post... Talk about kicking someone when they're down. Let's make a new mum feel absolutely shit about themselves just for shits and giggles eh.

OP, as other people have said a wee bit kinder, it doesn't matter if there's someone else or not, and there very well may not be, babies put huge pressure on a relationship and many folk split as they just can't take it. Doesn't mean anyone else is involved, just means it wasn't to be.
You deserve someone beteer and to be honest, at least you can spend your energy on your baby without trying to keep everyone happy. It'll be hard work but also so worth it.

Remember that many people found this forum as they had an issue in their relationship and have stayed on pass on their experiences. That doesn't make them the same as yours.
Save you energies and love for your baby and you'll know when the right person comes along

Crikeyalmighty · 05/03/2022 14:19

I don’t think it matters if there is someone else or not although I understand people ‘wanting the truth’ . At the end of the day if someone doesn’t feel the same then that’s how they feel— and it’s better I think to make arrangements and be very matter of fact. I felt exactly the same in my 1st marriage— there wasn’t anyone else I was leaving for, I just didn’t want to stay with someone I felt 65% about rather than 100%. If I don’t feel 100% I personally resent having to spend most of my time and attention on them , along with doing most of the home stuff. It will cone out in the wash OP quite quickly if someone else is involved- it usually does. Concentrate on ‘you’ and if he does want to ‘work on things’ then fine- but give yourself some mental space and see him as a ‘date’ and from a separate location.

FayCarew · 05/03/2022 14:19

@baileys6904, because there probably is another woman.

RoyKentsChestHair · 05/03/2022 14:31

Nobody is saying there’s probably another woman to kick OP while she’s down. It’s because 9/10 times it turns out that all the angst and confusion these men cause could have been avoided if they’d just been fucking honest and said “yes there’s someone else” instead of lying, gaslighting, denying etc, convincing their wife that if only she tried harder at xyz it would all be ok, when on reality there was always some skank waiting in the wings. It’s soul destroying trying to fix a marriage, doubting yourself, wondering how you’ve become so unlovable that your OH would rather be alone that with you. When in actual fact it’s just common or garden cheating. Hard to accept yes, but at least you know that’s entirely his fault.

lemongreentea · 05/03/2022 14:33

@RoyKentsChestHair

Nobody is saying there’s probably another woman to kick OP while she’s down. It’s because 9/10 times it turns out that all the angst and confusion these men cause could have been avoided if they’d just been fucking honest and said “yes there’s someone else” instead of lying, gaslighting, denying etc, convincing their wife that if only she tried harder at xyz it would all be ok, when on reality there was always some skank waiting in the wings. It’s soul destroying trying to fix a marriage, doubting yourself, wondering how you’ve become so unlovable that your OH would rather be alone that with you. When in actual fact it’s just common or garden cheating. Hard to accept yes, but at least you know that’s entirely his fault.
Basically this. For what its worth I was trying to kick you while you were down and I apologise to you if it came across that way Flowers
lemongreentea · 05/03/2022 14:34

WASN'T not was!

NowEvenBetter · 05/03/2022 14:41

Make plans for single parenthood, who owns the house? Being unmarried you have chosen to have zero legal protections, so hopefully you have a job/a job to go back to if on maternity.

thethreemuskateers · 05/03/2022 14:43

It’s the script unfortunately my ex told me he didn’t love me, and within weeks he was with my next door neighbour!

Rummikub · 05/03/2022 14:55

I was going to say there’s another woman. But then I saw that he said he wants to work at it. I think your relationship could be savable. But it will take him to work at it too. Having a new baby is hard work and he’s probably missing the attention. And he probably does need to grow up.

I think it’s worth having a conversation. See how he responds. See how you feel about his responses and take it from there

SanFranBear · 05/03/2022 15:17

The whole 'love you but not in love with you', in this case 'respect you but don't love you' is pretty much always cover for someone else being in the picture. It might be, like the pps on this thread who said it wasn't this but had 'their eyes opened' or 'genuinely wanted to get to know them better', your DH might now see it that way - nothings happened ergo he hasn't cheated - but it is.. it pretty much always is!

Also agree that once those words are said, there's no going back. Unless you change yourself into who you were when you and he first met (and of course, he does the same), how know earth are you supposed to accomplish this feat. Its over.

I'm sorry, OP, but you sound smart and switched on and know what you want. It hurts so much but I wish you nothing but the best!

Swipe left for the next trending thread