Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

This is over isn't it?

71 replies

hurtandconfused85 · 05/03/2022 06:13

Partner of 7 years and father to our baby told me yesterday he no longer loves me. I asked what he feels - he said he doesn't know but he doesn't hate me or love me, just "respects" me. 🤷‍♀️ He says there's no one else, he doesn't want to leave either, he wants to work on the relationship and see if it can improve. My thoughts are that once the love has gone that's it, right? It's not something you work on, you either love the person or you don't?

We've had lots of arguments over the past year since the birth of our little one but equally we've had many lovely times too. I assumed this was all normal after becoming new parents and being as exhausted as we are. Despite it all I knew deep down I still love him, just that we are going through a rough patch after becoming new parents. But to hear him say that. I'm just broken. Really fucking broken.

Is this saveable? Or is it over?

OP posts:
GreMay1 · 05/03/2022 15:22

I've been on the flip side too.

I was very similar to you OP. Lots of arguments after having DS our relationship drastically changed.... although looking back certain things were not right from the start (just I didn't realise).

I fell out of love but I tried and gave DS dad numerous chances to do things as a family. It's really shit to not be in love with that person anymore too.

hurtandconfused85 · 05/03/2022 15:49

@NowEvenBetter

Make plans for single parenthood, who owns the house? Being unmarried you have chosen to have zero legal protections, so hopefully you have a job/a job to go back to if on maternity.

Neither of us owns the house, it's privately rented. Yes I have a good job.

OP posts:
almond123 · 05/03/2022 16:27

Mine said similar things. Turned out, from his post divorce behaviour, that his real unhappiness was that being a full time father (as he'd chosen to be - we tried for over a year) was just too much work and he'd rather do it on a part time and minority basis, and he'd already lined up another woman (at the very least an emotional affair, quite possibly physical). His supposed desire to "make it work" was his way of trying to make himself feel better ("I'm the good guy, I told her I wanted to make it work") and, when thjngs inevitably failed because he'd already checked out emotionally, he could blame ME for not working hard enough etc.

How will your marriage end up? I have no idea. Are things harsher and lonelier now that I'm divorced (for three years and single)? Yes. Do I wish I was back with him? Never for a moment. But things are so much easier in many ways too. Im no longer on a fools mission to save a dead marriage that my ex didn't want. I'm not flogging myself emotionally wondering what I'm doing wrong and how to make it right again, why he can't love me. And I don't have, frankly, another child to look after any more. I'm sad I'm divorced, in the grand scheme of things - but it's a definite step up from being married to him!!

Practically, if your partner wants to save the relationship, I'd ask what HE wants to be donr and what HE intends to do. Ask for CONCRETE plans (eg a date night once a week, film night together, buying presents for you / each other, giving you a night off from being a mum so that YOU can recharge and be in a position to give back to him). Unless he can give you concrete plans and stick to them, it's all just platitudes

MrsFumbledore121 · 05/03/2022 16:48

100 % this

Itsthejourney · 05/03/2022 17:12

If you take his words at face value (I have no idea if he's having an affair), he's been honest about his feelings, but says he wants to work on the relationship. I think you should have couples counselling. Relationships can be saved if both put the effort in, not just you and I think you can get the love back. I hope it works out for you, if not, you can absolutely do this on your own.

Ttcfinalbub · 05/03/2022 17:24

No it doesn't mean it's over it also doesn't mean there is another woman and letting yourself focus on that possibility may hold you back from giving 100% to try reconnect. If you love him and want to continue then give it a try to get better counselling and date nights ect can all help. It isn't your fault nor his

WhoAre · 05/03/2022 17:30

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MadMadMadamMim · 05/03/2022 17:31

I think I'd be telling him, You've now just killed everything I ever felt for you. That's a pretty final statement in my mind. I need you to move out. If you want to try and repair the damage, I'll need some time to consider the matter, but I can't do that with you here. You have to go after what you said.

Get him out, give yourself space and consider whether you actually want to work on things with someone who is very clear that they no longer love you.

Midlifemusings · 05/03/2022 17:37

What world do you all live in where it is impossible for a man to fall out of love or to no longer want to be in a relationship?

The idea that the only reason a man has ever wanted to end a relationship is because he fell in love with another woman seems to come from people who read too many romance novels and watch too many chick flicks. In reality, men are actually humans like women who have a range of emotions and feelings and can definitely have a wide range of reasons for leaving a relationship or falling out of love.

OP Ignore the people saying the only possibility is that he has another woman and that because he is male he can only have bad intentions in everything he says and does.

You need to talk to him about what working on the relationship means. What aspects does he think need work and what kind of work does he think it needs. Has he really fallen out of love or has the feeling of love changed with the grunt work of a baby where there isn't as much romance and there is a lot of stress and frustration.

Is he depressed possibly? Anything else going on in life?

I understand your view that this may not be something you can come back from. You might always question his commitment or if he loves you and wants to be with you. That is fair enough to decide. But relationships do go through rough patches and the first year after the birth of a child is often one of those. You need to decide if you want to work on the relationship as well to see if it can move forward past this.

User0610134049 · 05/03/2022 17:42

I’m not sure it’s helpful or nice of him to tell you that, if he still wants to stay and work on it.
I wonder what ‘Love’ means to him.

What does he expect you to do with that information??? Try and make him love you more? Fuck that

2DogsOnMySofa · 05/03/2022 17:54

I often think people who pull the 'I'm no longer in love with you' use this as a way to try and change their partners behaviour. They might be bored, they might feel stagnant in their relationship, but saying 'I'm not in love with you' and then announcing they 'want to work on things' is hardly taking any responsibility for the relationship. If they said 'I'm not on live with you, but I want to make it work. Therefore I will do xxx' is a reasonable suggestion, but he's looking to 'you' to make the changes or suggestions. Has he said what 'he's' prepared to do, to make it work? Has he even said 'how' he wants you both to make it work.

Gowithme · 05/03/2022 18:08

I think you have to ask yourself why he told he didn't love you if he really intended to work on things and try and fix them? If you wanted to make something work would you begin that process by telling someone you didn't love them? Of course you wouldn't. That statement is designed to bring you down, to put you on the back foot, to make you question yourself. It gives the other person the power - and he hopes you will feel you have to work hard to prove yourself good enough to win his love back.

He may be setting up a battle between you and another woman - and he wants both of you to be fighting for him. He's playing games one way or another anyway.

EKGEMS · 05/03/2022 18:58

Would it be possible to enter into marriage counseling? Becoming parents from being a couple is very challenging on the strongest relationships

IdblowJonSnow · 06/03/2022 03:04

My ex did this to me. We had counselling for a while - his idea - and then he left me as he said it was unpalatable.

There was someone else. He's still denying it.

If I were you I'd kick him out.

IdblowJonSnow · 06/03/2022 03:04

^ unsalvagable not unpalatable!!

BOOTS52 · 06/03/2022 08:00

I would find this very upsetting to be honest and personally I would ask him to leave for a while as now you need time to think about how you feel after what he has just said to you. All relationships change once there is a baby as it is life changing and for him to say what he did seems very cruel and puts you in a horrible situation and for me I would not be begging or trying to win his love back. Take time out for yourself and see how you feel and if you miss him and if he misses you also. Sorry you are going through this and hope you find a way to move forward where you are happy.

Malibuismysecrethome · 06/03/2022 08:45

I don’t really think you can “work” on a relationship if the other person has told you this.

Obviously relationships need nurturing and time spent with the other person and communication but I don’t think you can “work” on changing one of the partners feelings.

layladomino · 06/03/2022 09:14

I think if I were you, I'd tell him that of course I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me. Does he think I have no self respect? If he's stopped loving you, then he needs to own it and move on, not keep hanging around and dragging out the misery for you both.

I don't think that he has to have another woman in the sidelines BTW. It's possible of course, but just like women, men leave relationships for a range of reasons.

Show him you deserve better than what he's offering. Show him and you that you know your worth.

BillMasen · 06/03/2022 16:59

@monroeagogo

Men don't leave unless they have a new owner.

They're like dogs.

Ffs
CheekyHobson · 06/03/2022 19:49

he wants to work on the relationship and see if it can improve.

I'm afraid I tend to agree with other posters saying there's a possibility this is a warm-up to leaving you for someone else while convincing himself he is a decent guy who 'did the right thing' by trying to 'work on' the relationship first. However, he could also being honest that he is feeling disconnected and does want to work on repairing the relationship.

A good strategy to get a closer to the truth of the matter is to treat his words with absolute seriousness and ask him to clarify for you how he is feeling and what he wants.

Sit him down when you are both calm and say that you want to work on things, but you feel unsure about what work he feels needs to be done.

Ask him when exactly he started feeling more distant from you. Were there things you did or said that annoyed him or he found hurtful? Is he feeling less attracted to your post-baby body? Has he found you less willing to accommodate him now that you have a baby to look after too? You really want to know if you have 'gone wrong' somewhere in your actions in his eyes.

The important thing to keep front of mind as you're asking these questions that you're gathering as much information as possible. Stay outwardly really calm and neutral throughout the discussion even if he says things that make you feel upset inside – just remain curious about where he thinks things might have gone wrong – but don't take ANYTHING he says as necessarily objectively true/right or meaning anything about who you are or how you 'should' be. The calmer you can stay, the more information he is likely to reveal about his thinking.

For example, if he says "To be honest I'm not as attracted to your body now and feel like you're not making an effort to look good for me", I know this will feel hurtful and you may want to yell at him "I had a baby 7 months ago for fuck's sake, do you really expect me to be back to my old body already" but what you need to say is, "Okay, thanks for being honest with me about that. Are there any other things about me that have made you feel more distant from me?" KEEP YOUR POWDER DRY. The time for processing – thinking closely about whether his feelings and thoughts are fair and based in reality or unfair/excuses and weighing them up against your own feelings and thoughts will come later. Right now, you are gathering information, you are not trying to solve anything, make any commitments to change, not judging yourself. You're just really digging into finding out what he actually thinks and how he feels, even if those thoughts and feelings are not complimentary to you or not easy to hear.

Once he's not saying anything new about you and what may be displeasing him about you, move onto him. He says he wants to 'work on the relationship' and he's told you the things he thinks you need to work on – so what does he think he needs to work on? Has he been struggling with the demands of parenthood and feels like he can't keep up so has been too tired to make an effort to connect with you? Did he stop sharing his honest feelings with you (this may well be the case if he has just told you unexpected things, like he isn't attracted to you any more) and if so why? Has he been avoiding being at home because parenthood is stressful? How does he see himself as having contributed to the distance between you? Listen carefully to what he says, and think about whether he is taking any responsibility for the distance between you or whether he is making out that all of the problems come from you and can only be fixed by you. He may also seem very vague about what the 'problems' actually are in his mind and be unable to name what he thinks needs to change.

Once all his feelings and thoughts are out in the open, you say to him, okay, thank you for sharing all that with me. I'm going to go away and have a think about what you've said.

Then go away and do that. Think about whether YOU feel his expectations of how you look, act and are fair and based in reality. Whether he is taking any responsibility for the distance in the relationship and showing a willingness to put effort in to make changes himself or support you to make changes (eg look after the baby four times a week for a couple of hours so you can go to the gym or a salon - this is only if YOU want to do that, of course). Whether he even knows what the 'problem' is and how to fix it.

If you feel that he is largely placing you as the 'cause of the problems', doesn't even really know what the 'problem' is or is unwilling to make any changes himself to support what he wants you to do to fix the problems, these are a major red flags and a good sign that something else is going on. This is a clue to share what's going on with someone you trust (a good friend, your mum or even a therapist) to reality-check yourself.

monroeagogo · 09/03/2022 18:11

@BillMasen

Care to elaborate?

My comment was certainly a sweeping generalisation but basically true

New posts on this thread. Refresh page