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Relationships

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Original poster

Boyfriend googling neighbour

91 replies

Karajane1 · 05/03/2022 00:33

We have a neighbour, she's pretty, I get that. My boyfriend recently spoke to her about some work that needed doing on our property.
All fine. However, I've just seen that my boyfriend has googled her. Ok, fine. But he's googling her name xx and our postcode. He finds her surname, then Google's her surname, then looking her up on Instagram. Ok, fine. But I looked and this wasn't the first time he has tried to find her.

I can't understand why someone would go to the effort of trying to find someones surname, to then trying to find her on Instagram etc

Is this normal?

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 05/03/2022 07:58

I like a good internet stalk, personally.
Don't you Google people who are going to interview you for jobs or whatever? Maybe he's just inquisitive.

I don't know why people are jumping to the assumption he's looking for something to wank over. Maybe they just know really scummy men.

Tamworth123 · 05/03/2022 08:09

Fwiw, in most cases I'd say this isn't necessarily part if a plan to cheat/leave their partner ....

Just then wanting to.indulge a fancy/crush which presumably they'd have gone and masturbated about with only fantasy, before social media gave them the opportunity to look up more images of them.

There's a degree of entitlement and objectification that's v negative about this though, I find. (Not that some women don't do similar, though probably not often so sexual in intention).

And, as above, it's pretty uncomfortable for a partner.

Raises the issue that we should make ppl esp women aware that any image whatsoever on SM could be searched out abd used as wank fodder by men they meet.

Tamworth123 · 05/03/2022 08:09

I don't know why people are jumping to the assumption he's looking for something to wank over. Maybe they just know really scummy men.

Sure thing.

Tamworth123 · 05/03/2022 08:10

(And porn sites aren't populated by mostly men either, its 50-50).

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 05/03/2022 08:14

@vodkaredbullgirl

Welcome to MN and your b/f is been creepy.

I think he still is being creepy, no past tense about it if he is still doing this. At the least it is like a teenager googling Justin Bieber or Harry Styles because they fancy them. But then they don't live next door!

AhAgain · 05/03/2022 08:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

HollowTalk · 05/03/2022 08:24

@Tamworth123

(And porn sites aren't populated by mostly men either, its 50-50).

How would anyone actually know that?

Tamworth123 · 05/03/2022 08:30

How would anyone actually know that?

Any number of things.... content, ads, surveys etc.

I take it you don't watch porn; its crystal clear what the audience is on mainstream porn sites.

The existence of permanent lap dancing clubs with female only strippers in every major city, and certain holiday spots is another indicator of sex differences & "cultural" differences, as is the prostitution industry .... or do you doubt those are male dominated too.

Palmfrond · 05/03/2022 08:34

@AhAgain
*Me too, to be honest. I am a well educated female engineer in her 40s. My close friends - other well educated, professional women in their 40s - also do it.

I have looked at both men and women like this (I am not gay): just curious and intrigue.

Your BF might like her or just be curious. Fully expect it is a passing crush or curiosity. Expect it will pass quickly and he will be in to googling someone else.

To be honest, I don’t think it is uncommon in this day and age.*

Agree. Everyone I know google stalks. If you’re a social, curious person why would you not want to know more about someone you find interesting, without having to ask them?
That said, OP, if my partner was doing this with an attractive next door neighbour of the opposite sex, it would piss me off. But that’s why it’s a bad idea to snoop through your partner’s phone; phones have a nasty habit of recording what are extremely private and often fleeting thoughts.

Dumblebum · 05/03/2022 08:37

Oh I’ve totally done this to my neighbours, and honestly I don’t fancy any of them.

Dumblebum · 05/03/2022 08:45

Sorry and I’d add, that a couple of my neighbours would be considered conventionally attractive, if I found my husband had been going through my phone and deciding it was because I fancied them I’d be furious.

Yellowsubhubabubbub · 05/03/2022 08:46

Wank material.

throughtheair · 05/03/2022 08:57

I must be alone then - I look all kinds of people up online (including neighbours, kids' teachers etc) who I definitely don't fancy! It's just curiosity/nosiness and I enjoy the challenge of seeing what I can find out. If my DH was looking up our next door neighbour I'd gleefully join in.

Frigginintheriggin · 05/03/2022 09:02

I think you need to ask your BF what his intention was. None of us know, we can only speculate the same as you are doing.
But then you will have to admit you have been snooping too.....

JustKittenAround · 05/03/2022 09:08

Creepy.

Also, you have felt things were off. Can you explain a bit more if you are comfortable? Because honestly I have zero problem with you checking his phone, I do have a problem that he had behaved in a fashion to believe you should do it. I also want to gently say the first “fine” wasn’t fine.

None of this is fine. Why should he be so curious about this other woman? Why does he need this info?

OP it’s easy to say leave someone. It is also as an outsider easy to see going off the info provided that this really is a red flag.

If you question him he will most certainly come up with a reason. There is no reason he should be curious about this woman enough to seek personal details.

I know this hurts. I know it feels like you’re not “good enough” or something like that. This is a trash male behavior and you deserve better.

Most won’t do anything, but not any woman ever regret kicking a man like this to the curb.

Shit like this will prey upon your self esteem and your need for security. You will be a husk. These people will tell you don’t be drastic, but you should be. Don’t be pulled so low that these same people wonder why you stayed.

layladomino · 05/03/2022 09:09

I sometimes look people up online. Just out of curiosity. But for me it's always people I used to know, and I'm wondering what they're up to now. Nothing to do with fancying them.

However I'm not so sure about finding a (pretty) neighbour's name and looking her up multiple times. I don't understand why you would have curiosity about someone you don't know, unless you wanted to know them more.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 05/03/2022 09:17

The fact that you feel the need to check his phone would suggest that things are not fine - neighbour googling or no.

baileys6904 · 05/03/2022 09:24

I always Google people that I am looking to employ to do work for me. Doesn't matter if they are male, female, whatever, I thought it was the normal thing to do. I want to know that they are goigg to do the job I want, for a decent price with no issues.

If my partner saw me doing this, or evidence of, he wouldn't automatically assume that I want to shag them either.

Littlebylittlelittle · 05/03/2022 09:26

@Tamworth123

(And porn sites aren't populated by mostly men either, its 50-50).

Lol are you serious There are actually stats on this . Researchers do look at this stuff In fact many many more women than men don’t use internet porn at all ‘It appears that, at the time this survey was carried out, 77 percent of women reported never watching online porn, compared to 22 percent on men. Of men, nine percent said that they watched sexual content quite often and six percent on a regular basis.‘

Ticksallboxes · 05/03/2022 09:31

He clearly fancies her but this wouldn't be a deal breaker for me - IME people do it all the time!

My DH runs his own business and whenever he gets a new client he looks them up on social media to get an idea of the sort of person they are.

I would tell off and tease my DH if he did this because he fancied someone (and keep an eye on things), but it's more normal than you think.

Littlebylittlelittle · 05/03/2022 09:32

Op whether 10% of men would look up the neighbour or 90 % would it’s irrelevant
You don’t have to put up with it . What is YOUR boundary ?

That’s ALL that matters

People can give their opinions but you get to set your personal boundaries . If 100 percent of men do a behaviour that you find unacceptable that DOES not mean you lower what feels ok to you just to be with a man.

Being single and empowered beats lowering standards or accepting low value men
So YOU get to decide what you want to accept because ultimately that will be what you get ! For better or worse

Personally no way I’d want to be with a guy I suspected wanted to wank over the neighbour so I’d be asking questions

Littlebylittlelittle · 05/03/2022 09:35

@Ticksallboxes

He clearly fancies her but this wouldn't be a deal breaker for me - IME people do it all the time!

My DH runs his own business and whenever he gets a new client he looks them up on social media to get an idea of the sort of person they are.

I would tell off and tease my DH if he did this because he fancied someone (and keep an eye on things), but it's more normal than you think.

So if he is attracted to them do yoh think he masterbates to them and your ok with that.
Would he be ok with you looking up dudes you meet to masterbate

JustKittenAround · 05/03/2022 09:35

@Ticksallboxes

He clearly fancies her but this wouldn't be a deal breaker for me - IME people do it all the time!

My DH runs his own business and whenever he gets a new client he looks them up on social media to get an idea of the sort of person they are.

I would tell off and tease my DH if he did this because he fancied someone (and keep an eye on things), but it's more normal than you think.

A lot of terrible things are normalized.

This is creepy and this woman is not this mans client.

Even if he were hiring her, he would have legitimate reason to ask her last name. He would not be dirty googling creepy style on his mobile phone.

The bar is so depressingly low.

Littlebylittlelittle · 05/03/2022 09:42

@JustKittenAround
‘The bar is so depressingly low.’

Absolutely

baileys6904 · 05/03/2022 09:46

@littlebylittlelittle.do you often masturbate to people you've hired then? Is that exclusive to self employed traders or run to supermarket workers and taxi drivers too? The op has already said they were looking to hire the neighbour for work. It's so sad people automatically assume the worst for something that can so easily be explained.

Incidentally I've googled lots of folk. Never once wanked thinking of them tho. Strange that...

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