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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel so guilty. What should I do ?

53 replies

angelswehaveheard · 04/03/2022 12:34

My boyfriend and I had a big fight. I lost my temper and said terrible things. He was 100% in the wrong and apologised. I still was angry and verbally mean to him afterwards so he refused to interact with me which was acceptable in hindsight.When I came round he refused to talk to me and ignored me for days. It was over.
I got drunk and text his ex partner as I couldn't cope with the radio silence and was desperate to sort things between us. I wanted to know if what he was doing was what he always did and what to do.
She confirmed that this was how he fought and it never ended well.
I regretted making contact with her immediately.
My boyfriend and I are in contact again and hoping it work things out. I feel awful and guilty and disloyal. His ex and he did not end well and I know that he would dump me immediately if he knew what I had done.His ex has assured me that she will never speak about our conversation and I believe her.
What do I do?

OP posts:

NotaCoolMum · 04/03/2022 13:06

Go back in time and don’t message the ex.

Original poster

angelswehaveheard · 04/03/2022 13:11

Don't understand that @NotaCoolMum . Can you explain that thanks.

OP posts:

RatherBeRiding · 04/03/2022 13:12

I think you only have 2 options - fess up and hope he can forgive you but accept that this might spell the end of the relationship. Or keep quiet, hope his ex is true to her word and live with that fear and insecurity.

Talk about a rock and a hard place!

Personally I'd have to with option 1 because I simply couldn't live with the fear that he'd find out further down the line.

Original poster

angelswehaveheard · 04/03/2022 13:47

I really want to tell him but he will be very angry as they really didn't separate on good terms and he is very private.
I believe she won't say anything as she doesn't want the past dragged up again with him.

OP posts:

barbedwired · 04/03/2022 13:50

Ignored you for days? Big red flag

Original poster

angelswehaveheard · 04/03/2022 13:53

Hi ignored me for many good reasons.I refused to accept his apology and went on a rant of verbal abuse truth be told. He had enough of me and it was over so when I reached out, he didn't want to know which I understand so no, I don't see it as a red flag but my behaviour certainly was terrible in the afterMath.

OP posts:

MoonOnASpoon · 04/03/2022 13:56

If you're scared to tell him because he'll be very angry, I think that's a red flag too - as well as him not speaking to you. He sounds like a nasty piece of work and he won't get better. I'd get rid. Or at least, if you haven't already, DON'T move in with him.

Original poster

angelswehaveheard · 04/03/2022 14:04

I'm not in fear of him. He would be angry and finish for good.
He did ignore me but having been verbally abusive and unforgiving he felt that there wasn't much else to do.
I thought that I had displayed the red
Flags actually!

OP posts:

MoonOnASpoon · 04/03/2022 14:15

But you said the original fight was something he was in the wrong about - depending on what it was, your anger might have been reasonable. I know verbal abuse isn't OK, but you doing that doesn't make him automatically in the right either.

Original poster

angelswehaveheard · 04/03/2022 14:31

As I said he was completely in the wrong.Wjat he did didn't warrant that level of reaction. That reaction was on me.He apologised. I wouldn't accept his apology and went on a tirade of verbal abuse.
It's a habit that I'm working through.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 04/03/2022 14:34

If you have any sense whatsoever you will end it with him. You are in a toxic, abusive relationship, just like his ex was when she was with him. Run for your life.

Original poster

angelswehaveheard · 04/03/2022 14:47

How can you possibly come to that conclusion after the most basic information?
It seems that nobody is allowed to make a mistake or be less than perfect on here without being branded as toxic or
Abusive, man or woman.
I'm baffled tbh!

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 04/03/2022 14:51

How can you possibly come to that conclusion after the most basic information?

Because emotionally healthy people do not ignore their partner for days on end, no matter how upset they might be. That is a punishment, plain and simple. It is a classic sign of an emotional abuser.

Original poster

angelswehaveheard · 04/03/2022 14:54

Or could it be the behaviour of someone who has had enough insults and verbal abuse fired at them, whose apology hasn't been accepted and who had been told the relationship is over. Could it be the behaviour of a person who has had enough and cannot tolerate any more conflict? Someone who needs space ?

OP posts:

bjrce · 04/03/2022 15:36

I completely agree with Aquamarine1029 and am surprised that no one brought it up earlier.

Your boyfriend is an abusive man, if you are so worried about him finding out that you spoke to his ex, that in itself is a Red flag.

Don't know what he did to make you react the way you did, but it does appear you are in a toxic relationship and like the ex, it won't end well for you either!

You should be thanking the ex for giving you a heads up!.

MoonOnASpoon · 04/03/2022 15:54

Yeah, his ex didn't exactly give him a glowing review did she. I wonder why he doesn't want you speaking to her?

I may be wrong of course. But I reckon you can dump this bloke now or you can dump him later when he's ramped it up.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/03/2022 15:56

@angelswehaveheard

Why are you making all of these excuses for his behaviour? He's done quite the job of gaslighting you. And who told you that all apologies need to be accepted? Of course they don't.

Original poster

angelswehaveheard · 04/03/2022 16:09

I'm laying out the facts as they are. He apologised for doing something wrong.I totally over reacted and can see that. He has not gas lit me at all. This is my take on it. I can see where I went wrong as he does too. There is no blame toward me from him.

Now my issue is that I feel so guilty for contacting his ex and wonder what to do.he will be angry and I would be angry too if he did that to me.

I
'm not afraid of him but I think he would dump me and I don't want that. It's that simple.

OP posts:

DatingDinosaur · 04/03/2022 16:22

Did you apologise to him for speaking to him the way you did?

So far, I’m reading, he was in the wrong and apologised. You responded by behaving like a nutter. He decided he doesn’t need to put up with that shit and ends it.

For whatever strange reason you contact his ex to validate his radio silence. Why??? He dumped you. He didn’t need to talk to you anymore.

I think it’s rather decent of him to give you a second chance, tbh.

And now you’re worried that his ex will tell him you got in touch with her in case that makes him dump you again.

Glad to hear you’re working on your temper issues though.

” What do I do?”

Talk rationally and calmly to him. Apologise (and mean it) for the way you spoke to him. Accept it if he decides it really is over and use that new-found freedom to reflect on what went wrong, and why.

Sorry if none of that is what you wanted to hear.

Original poster

angelswehaveheard · 04/03/2022 16:33

I apologised and he accepted that but I know he was pissed off with me at the way I spoke to him, aside from anything he did.
We did speak and had a big conversation about the whole thing and agreed to communicate better and more respectfully in the future, each of us expressing how it upset us.
Now that things look up, I'm worried that he will hear I contacted his ex. She was respectful of their relationship and highlighted what a good man generally he was but that she couldn't handle him not t being able for conflict when conflict arose now and again.
How she needed it sorted straight away and how he took his time to process, and it eventually got so toxic it fell apart.

OP posts:

rattlemehearties · 04/03/2022 16:37

Just finish with him.

Unless you love the drama?

Relationships shouldn't be adrenaline fuelled. Just break up and move on

Original poster

angelswehaveheard · 04/03/2022 16:45

Finish with him after one fight????

OP posts:

RantyAunty · 04/03/2022 16:45

What did he do that was wrong in the first place?

Hiddenvoice · 04/03/2022 17:04

It’s a tough one.
You both argued and understandably said things in the heat of the moment. He apologised and you continued to verbally abuse him.
I’m sorry but I disagree with posters saying he is abusive for ignoring you. I’ve argued with my
Husband but if he was to then verbally abuse me then I’d definitely want my own space and time to think.
You say you two have talked and calmed down now. Is this your first proper fight?
Messaging his ex was wrong, as you know. As much as she says she won’t say to him, she might end up saying to other people. I think if it was me I’d be upfront and tell him what happened. It might end your relationship but hiding it will just make you feel worse.
Hopefully you two can get past this. Arguments happen in healthy relationships it’s just the way you both deal with them that js important.
Sometimes couples need time to cool down and will sit in separate rooms. Sometimes others talk about it until their blue in the face. If it’s all new then will take time to adjust to these things.

Original poster

angelswehaveheard · 04/03/2022 17:04

He went out for a few beers after work and was to come to mine that evening.He came home at 2am v drunk and vomited in my sink.

OP posts:

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