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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I feel so guilty. What should I do ?

53 replies

angelswehaveheard · 04/03/2022 12:34

My boyfriend and I had a big fight. I lost my temper and said terrible things. He was 100% in the wrong and apologised. I still was angry and verbally mean to him afterwards so he refused to interact with me which was acceptable in hindsight.When I came round he refused to talk to me and ignored me for days. It was over.
I got drunk and text his ex partner as I couldn't cope with the radio silence and was desperate to sort things between us. I wanted to know if what he was doing was what he always did and what to do.
She confirmed that this was how he fought and it never ended well.
I regretted making contact with her immediately.
My boyfriend and I are in contact again and hoping it work things out. I feel awful and guilty and disloyal. His ex and he did not end well and I know that he would dump me immediately if he knew what I had done.His ex has assured me that she will never speak about our conversation and I believe her.
What do I do?

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 05/03/2022 22:24

At least he was sick in the sink and not all over your carpet/in your bed. And haven’t we all done embarrassing/stupid/revolting/shameful things when we’ve been drunk?

Such as, texting someone’s ex to find out information…

I’m still struggling to get my head around why that would be your “go to” option after an argument, but hey ho.

almond123 · 05/03/2022 22:56

Tbh, I'd take a step back and look at the man you've got here....

So my ex husband (who turned out to be an arsehole, but for other reasons 😜) once got absolutely blind drunk. So much so that i woke up and he was pissing up a set of drawers in the bedroom because he thought it was the toilet. I was disgusted and appalled 🤢🤢🤮🤮. However, our house had just been flooded and we had a heap to sort out. When he woke up in the morning (with an appropriate sized hang over, revenge is sweet 😂), even though I said nothing about it to him, he was still spontaneously totally appalled with himself and told me never to mention it to anyone. He hadn't got blind drunk before. He never did again.

That doesn't sound like what you have here. Unless there is something traumatic or exceptional going on here, it sounds like you have a person here who likes to get blind drunk then go round to his gf house whilst drunk in the middle of the night, and vomit and/or seek out sex. Sure he apologised afterwards. But he still thought it was OK at the time. Unless he's aged under 21 and still getting "experience" of life (and his own alcohol tolerance levels), I think you and he are in different places (and dare I say, levels of maturity).

Oh and I think your reaction to what he did was entirely appropriate. Throwing him out at 7am was, tbh, more than tolerant than I would be (I'd have bailed him out into a taxi pretty quickly). And calling him selfish and disrespectful is only entirely true.

With regards to not accepting his apology - you're more than entitled to tell him that. But if you feel you've given him a tirade of verbal abuse, I can feel that …. I've done that to a few men I've dated (never to my ex husband but that's also another story). I'm still in the midst of trying to figure it out, but I think it might be that I see smaller signs of something being wrong but I ignore them myself and/or give them a chance, plus I don't say anything to them. Whatever the issue at hand is then builds up and up until I explode. I think that what I need to do is acknowledge and accept the issue more whilst it's small and be prepared to walk away with grace before / when it gets to that trigger point.

But, anyway, overall, my message is - consider youre actually compatable with this guy and whether he is a person you can respect - or whether you're just holding on because you're too scared to let go ❤️

CantStandMeCow · 05/03/2022 23:01

I’m guessing 22. Maybe 23. I don’t think you’re going to like a lot of the advice you’ll get but it’s really odd to reach out to his ex like that. Was that because you weren’t getting a response? You don’t sound massively compatible in terms of communication.

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