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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel so guilty. What should I do ?

53 replies

angelswehaveheard · 04/03/2022 12:34

My boyfriend and I had a big fight. I lost my temper and said terrible things. He was 100% in the wrong and apologised. I still was angry and verbally mean to him afterwards so he refused to interact with me which was acceptable in hindsight.When I came round he refused to talk to me and ignored me for days. It was over.
I got drunk and text his ex partner as I couldn't cope with the radio silence and was desperate to sort things between us. I wanted to know if what he was doing was what he always did and what to do.
She confirmed that this was how he fought and it never ended well.
I regretted making contact with her immediately.
My boyfriend and I are in contact again and hoping it work things out. I feel awful and guilty and disloyal. His ex and he did not end well and I know that he would dump me immediately if he knew what I had done.His ex has assured me that she will never speak about our conversation and I believe her.
What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
angelswehaveheard · 04/03/2022 17:06

It was our first fight. First time he did something like that and I felt v disrespected.

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 04/03/2022 17:07

You need to tell him, as he will find out somehow.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/03/2022 17:08

What 'terrible things' did you say to him? It's hard to know what to think without that context really.

Original poster
angelswehaveheard · 04/03/2022 17:11

I called him disrespectful, disgraceful that what he did was disgusting/ revolting etc etc.

I Called him selfish, entitled and accused him, for coming to mine in that state, of only coming for sex.

I kicked him out at 7 in the morning.

OP posts:
Lemonweightloss · 04/03/2022 17:20

Well, he was disrespectful and what he did ( vomiting in your sink ) was disgusting.
You said you both had a chat and agreed to communicate better from now on. So, put this to the test and sit him down and tell him you messaged his ex. You have to tell him because like a pp said, it could come out in the future. And whilst you haven't lied, you have lied by omission. Also, do you want to live the rest of your life wondering if today is the day someone spills the beans?

OzziePopPop · 04/03/2022 17:33

@angelswehaveheard

I called him disrespectful, disgraceful that what he did was disgusting/ revolting etc etc.

I Called him selfish, entitled and accused him, for coming to mine in that state, of only coming for sex.

I kicked him out at 7 in the morning.

It doesn’t sound like you were wrong. I’d likely have said the same?!
Lesperance · 04/03/2022 18:06

It doesn't sound like you were wrong. But I disagree with those who say that in a more general sense, it's not ok not to talk to somebody for a few days, you clearly don't live together. It's ok to take time out and not communicate with somebody when you have had a fight.

But in this case, I don't think you were wrong.

50DaysAF · 04/03/2022 18:14

You sound as bad as each other.

I’d tell him because I’m not a dishonest person. I wouldn’t want to live with that hanging over me.

I wouldn’t blame him if he ended it. You contacted his ex, knowing that would upset him, to complain about his behaviour!

frozendaisy · 04/03/2022 19:07

Just tell him the truth, what you did, how you feel, say sorry.

He might walk away.
He might not.

He made a very drunken mistake
You escalated the issue.

Just tell him the truth. If you want to have a long, happy relationship then it needs to be based on the truth. The ugly truth with all your mistakes and insecurities out there.

Lurking9to5 · 04/03/2022 19:09

The Silent Treatment is the narcissist's favourite weapon.

Remember the level of distress it caused you. REMEMBER THAT

spacehardware · 04/03/2022 19:15

I'm the first to say LTB but you sound as bad as each other. Very drama llama all round

And don't get drunk and pester his ex

PinkSyCo · 04/03/2022 19:41

I called him disrespectful, disgraceful that what he did was disgusting/ revolting etc etc.

I Called him selfish, entitled and accused him, for coming to mine in that state, of only coming for sex.

You didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Obviously the truth hurt him, but your only mistake was being desperate enough to contact his ex instead of just letting the relationship die a natural death.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/03/2022 20:21

One thing that you fail to understand is that how someone handles conflict and adversity is the true measure of the person. It's easy for him to be Mr. Wonderful when everything is going is way, but challenge him on anything and his mask quickly falls away. He handles conflict so abusively that his ex had to break up with him. Think about that.

AdamRyan · 04/03/2022 20:27

You obviously had concerns about how he handled arguments that caused you to contact his ex. She validated those concerns.
I don't think you've done anything wrong. Forewarned is forearmed and you can decide rationally if you can cope with the silent treatment, knowing its him not you.
I also don't think you should feel guilty or tell him. You've done nothing disloyal, you asked about her experiences with him. Fair enough I think.

candles1298 · 04/03/2022 20:33

@angelswehaveheard

Hi ignored me for many good reasons.I refused to accept his apology and went on a rant of verbal abuse truth be told. He had enough of me and it was over so when I reached out, he didn't want to know which I understand so no, I don't see it as a red flag but my behaviour certainly was terrible in the afterMath.
But his ex confirmed this was normal behaviour from him so surely it is a red flag on his part? Or is he the nice, normal, perfectly reasonable guy and is always treated terribly by all these psycho females??
Original poster
angelswehaveheard · 04/03/2022 20:40

Their dynamic was completely different to ours. No psycho ex at all.
@Aquamarine1029 I really wonder how you come to your conclusions based on such little information and get them so wrong !
In the end, he finished with his ex.They both acknowledged that they were incompatible and had no future but it wasn't amicable.

OP posts:
crestar · 04/03/2022 22:54

Loving the great advice as usual from all the man hating Karen's!

Some level headed comments though to save the day.

AdamRyan · 04/03/2022 23:15

@crestar

Loving the great advice as usual from all the man hating Karen's!

Some level headed comments though to save the day.

Stop calling women "Karen's It's a name not an insult
SunflowerTed · 04/03/2022 23:19

@angelswehaveheard

How can you possibly come to that conclusion after the most basic information? It seems that nobody is allowed to make a mistake or be less than perfect on here without being branded as toxic or Abusive, man or woman. I'm baffled tbh!
Prepare for over the top reactions on here. It doesn’t sound the least bit abusive but the way you fall out sounds quite toxic and destructive !
SunflowerTed · 04/03/2022 23:20

@Aquamarine1029

One thing that you fail to understand is that how someone handles conflict and adversity is the true measure of the person. It's easy for him to be Mr. Wonderful when everything is going is way, but challenge him on anything and his mask quickly falls away. He handles conflict so abusively that his ex had to break up with him. Think about that.
Get a grip!
SunflowerTed · 04/03/2022 23:23

@bjrce

I completely agree with Aquamarine1029 and am surprised that no one brought it up earlier.

Your boyfriend is an abusive man, if you are so worried about him finding out that you spoke to his ex, that in itself is a Red flag.

Don't know what he did to make you react the way you did, but it does appear you are in a toxic relationship and like the ex, it won't end well for you either!

You should be thanking the ex for giving you a heads up!.

Get a grip
Cloudfrost · 04/03/2022 23:56

You have done nothing wrong here.
He was disgusting and disrespectful, ur reaction was not over the top at all. His response to you telling him as it is was to "punish" you by not speaking to you for days. And now you believe you were in the wrong... This is a toxic relationship at best, abusive at worst. This first fight shows you exactly the kind of person he is as well as who you are in this relationship. Both of you suck at conflict resolution and communication, and I don't think you are compatible.

On a side note he sounds a twat and you can do much better

MoonOnASpoon · 05/03/2022 09:58

One thing that you fail to understand is that how someone handles conflict and adversity is the true measure of the person. It's easy for him to be Mr. Wonderful when everything is going is way, but challenge him on anything and his mask quickly falls away. He handles conflict so abusively that his ex had to break up with him. Think about that.

Sunflowerted- this is true, why “get a grip”?

Why was someone who got pissed and threw up in the sink not humble, apologetic and making amends immediately? Why did OP objecting to this cause a nasty row? Because that’s what he’s like.

If I’d been able to see this clearly I wouldn’t have spent all the years I did trying to deal with my “mr wonderful”. He was lovely and my soulmate, right? So all the nasty rows and me getting angry had to be me being a bitch.

To be fair I wouldn’t have listened either. But now I know a lot more about how to spot these types.

Original poster
angelswehaveheard · 05/03/2022 10:57

@MoonOnASpoon but he was humble, apologetic and tried to make amends quickly butI wasn't having any of his apologies or gestures.
I kept ranting for days and told him to do one, so he did and when I reached out after all the verbals,he didn't want to talk to me.

OP posts:
Walkingalot · 05/03/2022 20:39

Too much drama. His behaviour was awful. He apologised yet you contacted an ex to delve deeper and also gave him a hard time.
If you confess, it will likely be the end of the relationship. However, I'm not saying it's all your fault. He shouldn't have behaved like that in the first place and apologising doesn't excuse his behaviour. He's just saying sorry it happened, he's not necessarily saying it won't happen again. I think if you're determined to give it a go then keep quiet about the ex and just see if it happens again. If it does, walk away.