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Relationships

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Original poster

Am I just kidding myself here

70 replies

allinadaystwerk · 03/03/2022 17:56

Been divorced from an absolute arse of a man for 3 years. He was Emotionally lethal I'm not being dramatic, I was scared of my own shadow and too scared to even ask for help when I collapsed with a serious illness. Anyway that's a bit of back ground.

The good news is, I got out! Oh yes! I survived and now I thrive.. well, most of the time. 16 yrs of emotional abuse takes its toll and therapy has brought me along nicely. But there are still days and encounters that can be hard, even for a rock star like me (that's right, I blow my own trumpet, I'm a hero in my own life, all survivors are)

Now to the present. Six months ago I met someone. Not my usual type (when I knew no better, I married the second alpha arsehole that I kissed)

He's quiet and a bit shy until you know him. When you know him he's witty, cheeky, kind and a tad eccentric, thoughtful and patient and has taught me... things... so many wonderful things that i never knew before! Never married no kids early 50's

He is also long term unemployed. Says he cares for elderly parents and he does but not every day he could definitely work at least part time. He says he wants to work but i dont see much effort to get a job. He spends many days in his home 'navel gazing' or popping out to the shops with a close female friend. Like me i think mild depression can rear its head with him now n then

I work full time. Busy and responsible job. I don't need anyones money or help in that way.

I just struggle sometimes with the difference between us in this and other areas. I get frustrated with the lack of resolve to work and the settling for life on benefits kinda irks me..

Time spent with him is easy, no fear or worries for my safety. We get on and enjoy the company.

But am I kidding myself to think it can work?. Can I continue this 'easy' option forever?

OP posts:

Mermaidwaves · 03/03/2022 18:04

I think over time you will end up resenting him. He probably seems nice after your shit of an ex and well done for getting out by the way

Maybe keep him as a friend but a man who has never worked and likely never will is not good relationship material, you will end up supporting him. What happens when his parents die? He will have no employment history to get a job, he will be looking to you to financially look after him. Nice man or not, you can do better.

Justmuddlingalong · 03/03/2022 18:06

I think in the long term, yes. But if you look at it as a dipping your toe back in the dating pool, without seeing it as a serious relationship, I don't think it will do you any harm. Unless you're financing his lifestyle, in which case, tell him to gtf.

Humphs27 · 03/03/2022 18:08

I second keeping him as a friend. You would definitely end up resenting him, and it would be pointless trying to change him.

Suprima · 03/03/2022 18:14

He literally sounds the opposite of a catch

Unemployed and no serious relationships ever. Only leaves the house to go to the shops

Going out with a man who isn’t ‘alpha’ doesn’t mean he’s automatically much kinder, sweeter and sensitive and you should definitely give him a chance

It may be alright now and ‘easy company’ now but I wouldn’t waste a minute on him as it may stop me actually meeting someone a bit more dynamic with more going on in his life. My dog is easy company for God’s sake.

Original poster

allinadaystwerk · 03/03/2022 18:17

Hmmm. I do tend to pay for meals n most leisure stuff but mainly because I can. We have brought eachother gifts but obviously mine are more expensive, his are more... thoughtful. Lots of flowers and trinkets. He dreams of holidays and stuff bit i woukd gift him anything that expensive. I think if he had the money he'd be generous..

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 03/03/2022 18:21

It's easy to imagine someone would be generous.

Original poster

allinadaystwerk · 03/03/2022 18:21

Don't mince your words @Suprima

Meant to say i wouldn't gift him a holiday in previous post.

Am I really wasting my time?
How sad... he has such great potential.

OP posts:

FuckThatBullshit · 03/03/2022 18:23

I couldn't be with someone on the dole, sorry

Original poster

allinadaystwerk · 03/03/2022 18:25

@FuckThatBullshit... why not?
Genuinely how come?

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 03/03/2022 18:29

Time spent with him is easy, no fear or worries for my safety. We get on and enjoy the company

This is a low bar. You could have this with a million guys and only be compatible with a few of them.

What makes you think you're compatible with him, other than that he's nice and doesn't scare you? What is it about him that floats your boat? What is it about him that keeps you beaming?

Original poster

allinadaystwerk · 03/03/2022 18:29

What if he gets a job, will that then make him a good fit

Is the only reason he's not because he's unemployed? Am I being judgemental putting so much emphasis on that when he is a perfectly good person. What if I was unemployed and he had a job? Would it be fine for him to dump me?

OP posts:

Penguinwaddler · 03/03/2022 18:30

@allinadaystwerk

Don't mince your words *@Suprima*

Meant to say i wouldn't gift him a holiday in previous post.

Am I really wasting my time?
How sad... he has such great potential.

Unfortunately, basing a relationship on "potential" rarely works out well. And seeing someone's potential is one thing, but if he is happy the way he is then he isn't likely to change.

He does sound very nice but ultimately you won't be able to have holidays, weekends away, days out etc together unless you are happy to pay for it all.

FuckThatBullshit · 03/03/2022 18:30

Because I would be embarrassed by him... and that's not trashing everyone on benefits because plenty of people are on benefits for genuine reasons. You say he could work but doesn't bother so presumably he's happy to continue being a financial burden to the taxpayer and freeloading off the system. A kept man. How can you not end up resenting that eventually? It's shameful. Not everybody is going to be a qualified professional (I'm not) but it's about work ethic, self respect and standing on your own two feet. There is no way I could be involved with someone who doesn't share those values. If you are a responsible and hard working woman I think you would tire of him eventually.

venusandmars · 03/03/2022 18:35

For me, it's not just that he's unemployed but rather that he seems content to let the state support him when he could get a job (assuming that he is receipt of benefits). It's great that he supports his parents but for me state benefit is there to help out people who have little or no option. I'd find it hard to respect someone who could work but chose not to.

Many of us might have more time to be relaxed and laid back and easy going if we didn't have the pressures of commuting and working.

Watchkeys · 03/03/2022 18:35

@allinadaystwerk

What if he gets a job, will that then make him a good fit

Who do you think sets the rules for what it's ok for you to do? For me to do? For him to do?

Original poster

allinadaystwerk · 03/03/2022 18:39

@Watchkeys not sure what you mean 🤔

OP posts:

Original poster

allinadaystwerk · 03/03/2022 18:46

@FuckThatBullshit I don't think he's happy. I think he's quite embarrassed. I see that there is some fear, and lack of confidence in him. He's intelligent and used to work but had a stressful time and suffered burnout. I know what that feels like.

And yet I also know I work hard and if I'm honest, like pp's have said, I do resent it sometimes. I think I get jealous of his free time... oh dear, 😖
It's dead in the water isn't it 😔

OP posts:

unicornsarereal72 · 03/03/2022 18:53

People who make an active choice not to work tells you something about that persons ambition. Motivation and drive.

I'm dating and have talked to a lot of different people. To me someone who actively makes a choice not to work does not have the same out look in life that I do.

Each to their own. But not for me.

2catsandhappy · 03/03/2022 18:57

You could maybe think of him as a friend with benefits.
No pressure or expectation.
Has he had any long relationships? Do his parents fund his care of them?

It sounds very comfortable which is great. Are you getting feelings for him? Thinking long term?
I had a fwb after a horrible long time DV situation. It was fun, never had feelings though. It lasted 4 years. I have never laughed so much. I moved on.

NewYearNewMinty · 03/03/2022 18:58

What does caring for his parent/s actually entail?

Is he claiming all he's entitled to?

Before you make any decisions, you need have a good handle on exactly what that situation is.

I gave up work just over a year ago to care for my dad on end of life care...it was physically gruelling, but an absolutely walk in the park compared to the last 8 months I've spent supporting my mum emotionally since his death.

I 'work' half a day, 5 days a week and 1 overnight...but worry about her and what the future holds constantly. I often find it hard to engage with other things when I get home as need to decompress and if we have a particularly bad day I'll just come home and sleep.

Obviously his caring responsibilities might be considerably lighter in which case I can absolutely see your point.

Watchkeys · 03/03/2022 18:59

My point is that there are no rules. Some people will say you're being judgmental, some will say you're not, some will say you have every right to be, some will say you don't have a right to be.

You are the one who makes the rules for you. I make the rules for me, he makes the rules for him.

It doesn't matter who is right or wrong, or judgmental or fair or unreasonable, because these concepts don't exist. They are only opinions that people have, and you can't live your life according to other people's opinions.

You are the only person who can decide if you're being judgmental. But it doesn't sound like you're even saying he's wrong to be living the way he is; it just doesn't fit your preferences. With regard to who we choose to have in our lives, we have to judge. Otherwise we have no boundaries.

Decide whether you like and accept him and his behaviours. Don't worry about being judgmental. You are allowed to judge. You have to judge. And you're not obliged to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't meet your standards.

FuckThatBullshit · 03/03/2022 18:59

He does sound nice OP but there are many qualities needed to make a relationship work in my opinion and financial compatibility is one of them. What if you moved in together and he still isn't working? Are you really going to be content paying for everything? What if you want to go out for a meal or drinks do you really want to foot the bill each time, or have to wait another 2 days because he "gets paid" then? I doubt it. This forum is full of feminists but deep down it's nice for a man to take his girlfriend out and treat her or to buy her some nice jewellery on her birthday. What about when you introduce him to your friends and someone asks "what do you do for a living?" No sorry. My username very much applies here! I would probably just keep him as a friend if he's decent. If he changes his lifestyle then who knows?

Watchkeys · 03/03/2022 19:01

This forum is full of feminists but deep down it's nice for a man to take his girlfriend out and treat her or to buy her some nice jewellery on her birthday

Fundamental misunderstanding of what feminism is/isn't!

EverNapping · 03/03/2022 19:03

[quote allinadaystwerk]@FuckThatBullshit I don't think he's happy. I think he's quite embarrassed. I see that there is some fear, and lack of confidence in him. He's intelligent and used to work but had a stressful time and suffered burnout. I know what that feels like.

And yet I also know I work hard and if I'm honest, like pp's have said, I do resent it sometimes. I think I get jealous of his free time... oh dear, 😖
It's dead in the water isn't it 😔[/quote]
As a dodo I'm afraid.

Even as a friend it's probably doomed to resentment over how much you end up paying into the friendship.

Treacletoots · 03/03/2022 19:23

I think you're so afraid of repeating history that you've picked what you perceive to be the absolute opposite of your ex.

I do think however that you will resent him and perhaps even he will resent you in time. I can't see a future for this, more than friends, sorry

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