Am I just kidding myself here

[allinadaystwerk]

Been divorced from an absolute arse of a man for 3 years. He was Emotionally lethal I'm not being dramatic, I was scared of my own shadow and too scared to even ask for help when I collapsed with a serious illness. Anyway that's a bit of back ground.

The good news is, I got out! Oh yes! I survived and now I thrive.. well, most of the time. 16 yrs of emotional abuse takes its toll and therapy has brought me along nicely. But there are still days and encounters that can be hard, even for a rock star like me (that's right, I blow my own trumpet, I'm a hero in my own life, all survivors are)

Now to the present. Six months ago I met someone. Not my usual type (when I knew no better, I married the second alpha arsehole that I kissed)

He's quiet and a bit shy until you know him. When you know him he's witty, cheeky, kind and a tad eccentric, thoughtful and patient and has taught me... things... so many wonderful things that i never knew before! Never married no kids early 50's

He is also long term unemployed. Says he cares for elderly parents and he does but not every day he could definitely work at least part time. He says he wants to work but i dont see much effort to get a job. He spends many days in his home 'navel gazing' or popping out to the shops with a close female friend. Like me i think mild depression can rear its head with him now n then

I work full time. Busy and responsible job. I don't need anyones money or help in that way.

I just struggle sometimes with the difference between us in this and other areas. I get frustrated with the lack of resolve to work and the settling for life on benefits kinda irks me..

Time spent with him is easy, no fear or worries for my safety. We get on and enjoy the company.

But am I kidding myself to think it can work?. Can I continue this 'easy' option forever?

@Watchkeys great explanation and yes you are so right. Thanks for that perspective
@2catsandhappy... 4 yrs! I'm too old to play that card.. I run put of options by then 😅

I just spoke to him. He's starting a course to re-skill. I said good for you, he said
It's not just for me it's for us... 😳

@allinadaystwerk

I just spoke to him. He's starting a course to re-skill. I said good for you, he said It's not just for me it's for us... 😳

Well that sounds positive. Why not just take it slowly and see how things go

@allinadaystwerk

I just spoke to him. He's starting a course to re-skill. I said good for you, he said It's not just for me it's for us... 😳

That's promising!

My ex has money. I helped build his wealth and I had nice car and all meals paid for. He almost ruined me.

This guy has nadda but he sits and rubs my feet till I start snoring, then covers me with a blanket. He rolls his eyes at my madness and stifles laughter, then he cracks and lols when I force him to try yoga or dance moves. I could go on..

Maybe that's a low bar but it feels lovely in the moment

It is promising. But I know you folks are right to a certain extent. I guess I just take it slow and not jump in. Don't fall for him, just see where it goes???

Bloody ell... I don't know much about healthy relationships... I know the theory just not the practical 🤦🏼‍♀️

That's not a low bar, OP, that's gold.

You don't have to know anything about healthy relationships: if someone makes you feel good, stay. If they make you feel bad, distance yourself from them. That's it.

If he starts to get motivated and get off his arse, there might be a chance. If he doesn't, that frustration you feel now will turn into disgust. You simply aren't compatible with a layabout sponger. Give him a little time, but not too much.

@Suprima

He literally sounds the opposite of a catch

Unemployed and no serious relationships ever. Only leaves the house to go to the shops

Going out with a man who isn’t ‘alpha’ doesn’t mean he’s automatically much kinder, sweeter and sensitive and you should definitely give him a chance

It may be alright now and ‘easy company’ now but I wouldn’t waste a minute on him as it may stop me actually meeting someone a bit more dynamic with more going on in his life. My dog is easy company for God’s sake.

Absolutely!!!

He sounds grim.

I don’t mean this in an awful way (having had appalling times myself) but you sound as though you are forcing yourself to be relentlessly positive and upbeat.

After leaving an abuser, even a halfway decent person seems amazing in comparison. But this man isn't for you, I reckon. He doesn't sound like someone you could respect, long term. You can move on from him and find someone even better.

Could he have some health reasons for being long term unemployed? You mention depression.

I think it is as simple as are you happy?

If you are happy then that is enough. If you stop being happy at any point then reevaluate.

It doesn't matter what anyone else things as long as you're happy.

For what it is worth, I have spent 12 years of my life caring for elderly parents until they died. I have raised a young family as a single parent, run the family business so they had a top up income on their pension and held down a self employed post in that time. It is possible to combine roles, and necessary for most people as universal credit does not give out a lot of money. This man may have elderly parents and one day they will die. They maybe giving him money now, or maybe he is reliant wholly on benefits. When the elderly parents are gone, he will be older and even more unemployable by virtue of his long time out of the jobs market. You are at risk of getting yourself a cocklodger at that point who is no longer a carer, and unable to claim benefits linked to that. By all means keep him a friend, or friend with benefits, but don't pay for him or see him as a serious contender for a long term relationship. He is showing you who he is. You work hard, he doesn't.

I think for me, I couldn’t respect long term unemployed who could work and doesn’t, and I’d assume no employment will come from the course. It’s a sticking plaster to make you think He’s a productive human being.

We are all different, but for me, no I’d not wish to be hooked up with soneone longterm unemployed.

Enjoy it for now but as a long term relationship I do think you are kidding yourself. What you see is what you get and I suspect you will want a bit more from this later on.

Thank you lots of food for thought here.

Love can’t pay the rent

He's probably trying to impress you just now and is at his best. I would question whether he actually does the course or lapses into naval gazing again. He just sounds very unmotivated as part of his general character and I suspect you will tire of him sooner or later however "nice" he is.

Does he have much conversation? I once dated a man who gave up work and he sort of intellectually atrophied a bit in time, and he developed strange sorts of conspiracy theory type ideas. He had just become rather unsocialised due to barely meeting anyone day to day except his family.

Many years ago I had a lovely romantic boyfriend. He was sweet, funny etc. but never worked.
It eventually wore me down. I loved that he picked me flowers and wrote me love letters but the daily grind was exhausting. Paying for literally everything all the time gets very boring. We lived together and he never contributed a penny.
Keep him as a lovely friend but not good boyfriend material sadly.

@Bobbi73 and @CognitiveDissolver

I can see this happening. I know it will get to the point but I'm not there yet I still enjoy his company.. but sadly a seed is now planted and I got answers that I kinda knew were coming. I think he is very fond of me but like it's been ssid, that don't pay the rent... I do!

For me to pay for a man’s meal in a restaurant, he would

a) have to be amazing 🤩 AND

b) also a good reason for the imbalance in finances

If there’s not a good reason, he should be embarrassed to let a woman pay for his meal out! Especially as I would imagine you’re not rich.

What I’m trying to say is that it wouldn’t necessarily affect me that he wasn’t working, more that I was, and paying for his leisure time by working myself. Sometimes there are understandable reasons for not working. It’s the bumming off you that would be concerning - though in this case the two may be connected.

I would wait to see if he actually starts the course. Is it a proper course that leads to employment or a waste of time stuff around? My experience of work-shy people on benefits it's that there is often talk of “courses" but not much actual doing and achieving. Do NOT allow him to become a cocklodger in your home, no matter how lovely he is. Don't entertain living together until he is gainfully employed!!