Coping with gaslighting

[Flyg]

My ex outrageously gaslights me sometimes. We have 2 DC's and a co-parenting arrangement. Since leaving him every aspect of my life has improved, I have a career that is going well, i look better, i see my friends, and recently i bought a new house. The new house is the trigger for the latest round of abuse, its like clockwork, every time something significant and good happens to me he goes from being relatively normal to being unbelievably horrible.

I never understood why gaslighting affected people so much, before it happened to me I used to just think that if you knew for a fact something wasnt true, surely you would be able to just shake your head and be puzzled about what was going on in the gaslighters mind....but the reality is different, it leaves me anxious and shaken for hours after, sometimes into the next day. It always happens on text to me. So now I have a horrible lunge in my stomach every time my phone buzzes.

Some examples include him saying i stayed in bed for months before and after our first was born. Which is literally completely untrue. He even went away for a 3 night stag do when she was about 6 weeks old. I didnt spend any time in bed after, apart from to sleep like any one else. He regularly took naps, opted out of night feeds after about 3 months I think it was. But he text me once saying "i had to do everything while you stayed in bed for months before and after 'name' was born"

Instead of just dismissing this, i still remember it, this message was 4 years ago. And every time i think about it i start frantically recalling all the things i remember about that time and how untrue the statement is.

The recent one was that he has to buy all the kids clothes because i dress them in clothes that are wrecked. Its just completely untrue. Theres not a shred of truth in there.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can stop my mind racing thinking of examples of when i have bought clothes and how theyve been dressed and just generally feeling horrible?

I am on sertraline to take the edge off.

Just to add, another recent text I am reeling from was "go gaslight someone else"

As if I am the gaslighter. Its just so horrible.

Sorry you're going through this. He clearly can't stand that you're doing well without him. Do you respond to these ridiculous texts?

Sometimes I have bitten, yes. Its pointless. He doesnt respond to anything I reply with, he just sends another long message with all kinds of new nonsense.

Im not replying anymore. I know it just fuels him. I just wish he would stop. Why would you torment anyone? Let alone someone who takes care of your own children???

Following as I’m going through the exact same thing with my ex. It’s only recently dawned on me that this is what he’s been doing for so long. If I ask him a question to check he has followed up on something he says I’m abusing him. I really don’t know either how to handle it.

I had this from my ex, it's a form of PTSD, luckily we didnt have any DC together so it was easier to block, but for the flashbacks i definitely recommend counselling.

Just ignore him. Post no attention to anything he says unless it's factual re arrangements to see the dc.

You know he's a liar. Just don't give him any head space.

Respond with a laughing emoji each time, he'll soon get bored.

@underneaththeash but that doesn’t work when there are issues that need jointly discussing re children.

It seems we have the same ex. It’s horrible isn’t it?

It really is but I feel there’s nothing I can do about it. I just accept to do things and not ask him as it’s easier. But then I get shit for not involving him. When I ask him to do something or expect him to do something without being patented into doing so, I get accused of abuse.

[quote Milomonster]@underneaththeash but that doesn’t work when there are issues that need jointly discussing re children.[/quote]
Thats the problem, I have to try and maintain as much civility as possible for the DC. When i really want to call him all the names under the sun and tell him to f* off.

I have to just take his abuse. I know that sadly, its coping strategies I am after.

Ive never found counselling helps at all, they just listen dont they? They dont really advise. Its therapy I would need but the cost and time constraints rule this out right now.

This helps really, posting here, its an outlet at least.

I go through this with my ex too. Absolutely awful how it impacts the rest of my day. I've got mediation coming up soon and want to set clear boundaries about communication. Would also love to hear how others cope with it...

Best way is to just ignore it. I'd also block him and provide him with an email address so that you can communicate about the children. Only time I would unblock him would be when the children are in his care incase there is an emergency.

@wontbefooledagain I’m currently engaged in mediation and am struggling with it. It’s bringing back a lot of issues for me (such as the financial abuse I suffered and let him get away with). He gaslighted in mediation too.

Thats the problem, I have to try and maintain as much civility as possible for the DC. When i really want to call him all the names under the sun and tell him to foff.*
You dont have to take his abuse, keep contact to a minimum.
All contact can be via text on a different phone.
Get another number and have a phone just for him so you arent waiting for his texts.
Cheap PAYG, shove in drawer unless its contact day etc
Hes relying on you knowing this is untrue/ unfair and being desperate to put your side over.
Dont, he wont change his tune, hes a liar.
Stop any explaining, responses, just grey rock him.
Keep all messages.
If he is abusive then report him.
The main thing is not to respond, get angry etc
What he is doing is reactive abuse, he pushes, pushes, pushes until you explode then he calls you mad, bad, crazy.
Tale as old as time.

Find a way to deal
Write No on a piece of paper and stamp on it, burn it or flush down the loo
Anything that stops you reacting to him.

Hi OP I really relate to this as I’m going through similar. It’s the very worst, and completely destabilising. I’m coming to think it can permanently affect your nervous system.

The way I describe it to myself is that this is someone who cannot, will not agree on a reality with me. What I know is my reality, my life, my day, my past, is not something he will share (I think maliciously and on purpose, as an abusive tactic). That makes it very strange and upsetting especially in relation to things like memories of the kids’ infancies as after all that is one function of a family, to be custodians of family memory and of the story of your lives. But you will have to hold that memory alone, as he can and will not be there to confirm it or even acknowledge it. He wants to undermine it.

So, I say share and make memories in ways that feel strong but don’t involve him. Sit and talk with the kids about nice moments from their growing up, talk with friends about things that have meant something to you, write a diary. Make your truth solid. His toxic trait is refusing to share a common reality and that’s on him. Now I view my reality and memories as precious and feel like my H is missing out to refuse to acknowledge them. A precious zone he isn’t part of.

Watch video on Grey Rockin... Perfect! Civil, but short answers. No arguing or going back and forth.
And yes...text only.
I'm sorry you have to go through that...errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh ...I've been there.

@Milomonster that's what I'm afraid of with mediation too.

Is there someone who can be a go between, his parents or yours, siblings, a friend etc Then all communication about the children goes through them and he is blocked on every method of reaching you.

Continuing to subject yourself to his abuse is not healthy. You can involve the police let them know you have informed him that his behaviour is distressing you (that is the language to use with him and them) and you will require a restraining order or non mol if he continues. Speak to lawyer about this too, or rights of women etc. I am afraid with these types of abusers there is no other way, brick wall is more effective than grey rock if you can put it in place. You must prioritise your mental health to be the best parent you can be. EMDR is a helpful therapy in overcoming trauma, ptsd, flashbacks.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I tried the PAYG phone idea a couple of years ago, I might do it again.

I know i need to grey rock, and not justify myself or try and put my side across. Its what he wants.

That comment about it affecting your nervous system resonated with me too. I do feel like he is affecting my health - or rather the way I am processing what he is doing is affecting my health.

I just wish i could roll my eyes and let it be like water off a ducks back, but his attacks are so vile. I left him when i realised that almost everything he said or did was to make me feel stupid, lazy or horrible. I am not perfect but i am none of those things.

I do feel like there should be a law preventing him from contacting me unless its childcare related - and that should not include him sending me horrible and false accusations about not looking after the children properly.

The biggest contradiction is that for all his complaints about what a terrible mother I am, he works away for 4-8 weeks at a time regularly, abroad, the kids are with me 100% of that time. When he is home he only has them once a week and EOW.

But he has serious concerns about how i look after the kids. Its laughable! I shouldnt be letting this unnerve me!

Can you keep a diary/notebook of his gaslighting attempts, how they make you feel if that helps, and write down the truth as you know it to be. Then it's a record of what he's up to, and you have the solid truth in writing instead of feeling you have to go over and over it in your head.

For example - [Date] Ex said I dress the kids in rags and he has to buy all the clothes. This is not true because [write down clothes you've bought, even stick in receipts if you have them, etc.]. You could also put in screenshots of his messages as a record. It will help you get this shite out of your head and see it for what it is.

My ex would gaslight though in a different way - in arguments he would rewrite what had just been said, twist what I'd said, deny what he'd said etc. He would even accuse me of gaslighting and say he wished he'd recorded the conversation so he could prove it. It was a total headfuck and would leave me in a state of horrible anxiety. But then I thought, you know what, no one else has this supposed problem with me "making stuff up". But the kids do have this problem with him doing the same to them. It is not all in my head, and it is not me.

Take a mental step back from the issues he's gaslighting you about, and think, does anyone else say things about what I've done that I don't think are true? If not, then it's not you, it's him - because gaslighting like this is an attempt to control you.

I know it sucks. It's horrible. That's why they do it.

My ex also tried to flip it all around and called me a gaslighter. It really is a headfuck. It makes me so angry and sad all at the same time.

Following OP as in a very similar situation. My exH just completely twists what happened to cause our divorce and his behaviour since, but he actually believes his truth even though I have evidence he's wrong. But last night he went a step too far and told our children I'm a liar and told them his version of events. I don't know what to do to protect them 😞

My advice having lived through this batshit behaviour is to not respond and if you have to, then deploy the "Grey Rock" method of communication. Have a Google. There is literally no other way of dealing with these people.

In my own situation, I had years and years of abuse from my ex and his malicious narc GF. He took me to court for contact having abandoned our son. When I read the papers I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Every shitty, malicious, nasty, abusive thing they'd done, they projected as if I'd done it. He wrote that I refused to co-parent (no he refused because GF wouldn't let him). It went on and on and really upset me. He KNEW none of it was true but did it anyway. Absolute cunt of a man. Oh I could go on and on.

Fortunately, he no longer has contact and has disappeared. I've never been more relieved in my life. So don't bite back, ignore, block where you have to and grey rock. Good luck