Coping with gaslighting

[Flyg]

My ex outrageously gaslights me sometimes. We have 2 DC's and a co-parenting arrangement. Since leaving him every aspect of my life has improved, I have a career that is going well, i look better, i see my friends, and recently i bought a new house. The new house is the trigger for the latest round of abuse, its like clockwork, every time something significant and good happens to me he goes from being relatively normal to being unbelievably horrible.

I never understood why gaslighting affected people so much, before it happened to me I used to just think that if you knew for a fact something wasnt true, surely you would be able to just shake your head and be puzzled about what was going on in the gaslighters mind....but the reality is different, it leaves me anxious and shaken for hours after, sometimes into the next day. It always happens on text to me. So now I have a horrible lunge in my stomach every time my phone buzzes.

Some examples include him saying i stayed in bed for months before and after our first was born. Which is literally completely untrue. He even went away for a 3 night stag do when she was about 6 weeks old. I didnt spend any time in bed after, apart from to sleep like any one else. He regularly took naps, opted out of night feeds after about 3 months I think it was. But he text me once saying "i had to do everything while you stayed in bed for months before and after 'name' was born"

Instead of just dismissing this, i still remember it, this message was 4 years ago. And every time i think about it i start frantically recalling all the things i remember about that time and how untrue the statement is.

The recent one was that he has to buy all the kids clothes because i dress them in clothes that are wrecked. Its just completely untrue. Theres not a shred of truth in there.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can stop my mind racing thinking of examples of when i have bought clothes and how theyve been dressed and just generally feeling horrible?

I am on sertraline to take the edge off.

Also it's really important that you safeguard your own mental health. I ended up with a breakdown and PTSD and I'm still struggling with that now. Yesterday I was triggered because an envelope arrived that looked like more court papers. I had a full on panic attack. It was an offer for son's secondary school. Don't let him do that to you. You know what he's doing so keep reminding yourself of that. It's not you, it's him.

Counselling or CBT

He's still abusing you, and he may be trying to make a case against you. Keep an incident diary and copies of the texts as evidence, and see a solicitor if you can.

See your GP and ask them what support and counseliing is available.

Hi, thanks for your text. This is an automated message. Feel free to text again when it's to discuss the children.

Thank you.

Send that (or similar) each and every time. Or better still, just don't respond. You know what he is saying isn't true - so ignore.

Councilling will do you good.

@Struggling1702

Following OP as in a very similar situation. My exH just completely twists what happened to cause our divorce and his behaviour since, but he actually believes his truth even though I have evidence he's wrong. But last night he went a step too far and told our children I'm a liar and told them his version of events. I don't know what to do to protect them 😞

It's par for the course unfortunately. Depending on the ages of the children I'd be honest with them in the best child friendly language you can muster. It would be worth speaking to your safeguarding lead at their school as they are, in my experience, amazing at navigating this sort of behaviour. It'll also give them a flag to keep an eye on the children. It's so painful. All I can say is that eventually they see the truth. They make up their own minds. You just don't want them to have to

Set up a new email address - use that to communicate regarding the DC. Only respond to emails that are DC related.

Block his number or change your number/get a second phone.

I think an additional PAYG phone for him only is a great idea and only switch on when it's contact time. Hopefully he'll gradually get the message. And the diary too. I love this and am so sorry you're going through it. It's so wearing and bewildering

I recently discovered (thanks MN) about narcissistic rants. Very helpful to understand it’s part of the personality type. I don’t know if our ex is a narcissist but I do know that the temptation is to try to justify, explain, get them to see your side of the story. But they can’t and wont. So the best thing really is just to ignore.

I also have a good friend who I will tell some of the most outrageous comments to…. Then the two of us fall about laughing going, “WTAF is he THINKING” and it helps because HE might never see or accept how ridiculous he is being, but every other normal person in the world, on being told these things goes, “that’s ridiculous.” DH and I have also adopted a few for joking purposes. So, for example, next time you’re up in the middle of the night with a sick child, remind yourself what a “terrible mother” you are, while rolling your eyes. If you can do that with another person, to double the fun, even better.

I sound flippant. I’m not. But I do think accepting that you absolutely cannot change their mind and that they will never ever see your side is key. Rational people know that if they disagree with someone a conversation can be had. And it’s very hard to get your head around the fact that someone else is simply not even a little bit rational.

My ex did this as well. Best thing I ever did was completely ignore him. Easier because the kids were older, but it’s kept me sane and will have driven him wild.

Reply "Oh ok hun!" everytime he sends a shitty text.
I'm an arsehole and would get great pleasure in winding him up.
Seriously though there should be a law against an ex doing this to you, isn't it harassment?
I feel for you ❤️

Decide to yourself that you can adopt a mindset as if you are an observer. So removing yourself from the situation in your own mind and instead imagine you are watching any message/interaction like it is a documentary and you are independent of it.

I would also keep a log/diary. It is amazing when you look back at the ridiculousness over time. It will help you feel more objective rather than crazy. He is doing this to you to create a sense of power but it is false. He will also be trying to induce you in to a conversation that will not go anywhere good for you at all as he wants you to react.

I recommend watching some of Ross Rosenberg YouTube videos who has a lot of practical tips.

Particular techniques to look up:

• Observe don't absorb (described above)
• The 'of course' method
• Grey rock

There is a saying he references "Never wrestle with a pig, you get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it" George Bernard Shaw

delete
consider him a lunatic
involve a third party

why do you need him to text?

I watch Dr Ramani’s videos about narcissists since we have one in the family who makes up the most outrageous things and it helps me to stay focussed

Ultimately people like him are destabilising- remember that.

Maybe ask him to email you and block him on your phone.

Or get PAYG phone he can message

In all cases of gaslighting, I agree with pp that you respond only with a laughing emoji and nothing else.
He’ll get fed up and bored really quickly.

Set up an email account specifically to contact him about child care arrangements.

Then block him on everything else.

Only discuss childcare and ignore anything else, don't comment about it, or let it linger in your mind.

You have moved on, he is bitter and twisted.

You don't need to read these texts and if you do don't waste your time thinking about them. It serves no purpose and a waste of energy. Ignore or block. Think happy thoughts.

Email only. Block on phone. Or if you need the phone when DC are with him, a separate PAYG phone. I agree with previous posters and would respond with OK or a smiley. One word answers, don't give him anything.

Dr Ramani and Lisa Romano on Youtube are bloody wonderful, it's like free therapy.

I remember someone in here once saying she responded to every single shitty rant with a 👍. That’s an acknowledgment that you’ve read it but you don’t give a fuck what he says.

@Wiredforsound brilliant

I was also thinking of using someone as a go between, do you have a brother/sister/parent who can do any liaising? Or using a different phone and getting someone else to read the messages. That way you can get a few people to help. They can totally ignore all the bullshit but check if here is any actual info you need. Then you don't need to even tell him you are seeing his messages.

Reply

“Ok”. Or “ok hun”. “Whatever you say”. “If you say so”.

Just completely grey rock him. That’s the only thing that works for these sort of ppl.

Does Sertraline really help? Just wondering about side effects?
My husband frequently gaslights me and I already feel crazy! But I'm thinking it could help me feel less emotional?
Sorry to hear about your experience too

My ex is exactly the same. There's not a thing I could do with or for my children that can't be twisted into selfish, shit parenting. Eg going for a jog with my teen dd is me trying to tell her she's overweight and give her an eating disorder. When my dd was born, after a few weeks he told me he'd been watching me for a while and I only cared about my new dd and wasn't showing nearly as much interest in 3 yo ds and it was making him so sad how confused and unhappy this behaviour was making our "pushed out" ds - I felt guilty and hated myself for years over that one even though I knew it wasn't true. So many more. Accusations of laziness, being told I was a lazy benefits scrounger. I too was made mentally and physically ill over it.

I think they live in a fantasy world where they play out scenarios in their heads and then convince themselves they're true. Also relate to the abuse stepping up with anything good happened for me - booking holidays etc.

The only thing that finally worked was Grey Rock. I don't respond to a single thing he says unless it's related to a practical arrangement for my children. As they've got older, they mostly make plans with him themselves so it's easier now.

I’m coming to think it can permanently affect your nervous system.

I believe this to be true. If my ex manages to find a way in - he will send one sentence emails with an offensive accusation or a disgusting insult of some kind and I open it without realising - I will feel sick and panicky for the rest of the day, the following day I will almost always have cluster panic attacks all day and/or a start a one to three day migraine. Takes three days to a week to get back to normal. I do think my body physically reacts to him. I'd love to read the biology or science behind it if anyone has any recommendations.