Coping with gaslighting

[Flyg]

My ex outrageously gaslights me sometimes. We have 2 DC's and a co-parenting arrangement. Since leaving him every aspect of my life has improved, I have a career that is going well, i look better, i see my friends, and recently i bought a new house. The new house is the trigger for the latest round of abuse, its like clockwork, every time something significant and good happens to me he goes from being relatively normal to being unbelievably horrible.

I never understood why gaslighting affected people so much, before it happened to me I used to just think that if you knew for a fact something wasnt true, surely you would be able to just shake your head and be puzzled about what was going on in the gaslighters mind....but the reality is different, it leaves me anxious and shaken for hours after, sometimes into the next day. It always happens on text to me. So now I have a horrible lunge in my stomach every time my phone buzzes.

Some examples include him saying i stayed in bed for months before and after our first was born. Which is literally completely untrue. He even went away for a 3 night stag do when she was about 6 weeks old. I didnt spend any time in bed after, apart from to sleep like any one else. He regularly took naps, opted out of night feeds after about 3 months I think it was. But he text me once saying "i had to do everything while you stayed in bed for months before and after 'name' was born"

Instead of just dismissing this, i still remember it, this message was 4 years ago. And every time i think about it i start frantically recalling all the things i remember about that time and how untrue the statement is.

The recent one was that he has to buy all the kids clothes because i dress them in clothes that are wrecked. Its just completely untrue. Theres not a shred of truth in there.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can stop my mind racing thinking of examples of when i have bought clothes and how theyve been dressed and just generally feeling horrible?

I am on sertraline to take the edge off.

I really like the 👍 to every single text. You could really enjoy winding him up doing that. Nothing else, no calls or emails, just 👍

It is so hard to deal with, my STBXH does it too, and the only way I can try and get it out of my head is to write it down on a list I keep to remind me how he has behaved. I also think PPs idea of an automatic emoji or short response that says absolutely nothing is a good idea - he can read into it what he likes but what you’re actually saying is f you. Just do whatever works for you not to let him in, easy to say I know, but you’ll eventually find a way of protecting yourself and that will reduce his power over you.

I would send him a formally written email saying you would like him to stop contacting you about anything other than child contact arrangements and that any other communication from him will be treated as harassment. Then if it continues, apply for a non molestation order which will stipulate that he has to stop harassing you and limit his contact to X emails re child contact only.

I know that you probably want to keep things amicably but these guys will just keep at it until they break you, protect yourself.

Never underestimate the mind's ability to gaslight itself.

My mother swears blind certain things happened differently to how they actually happened. She rewrites history in a way Stalin would be proud of. One particular year that was pivotal in our family's history she has completely rewritten, not knowing that I have read her contemporaneous diary from that year, so I know from her own words what the truth is...

If you have to reply, the thumbs up emoji is probably the best. Otherwise, I'd ignore as much as possible.

@LondonWolf

I’m coming to think it can permanently affect your nervous system.

I believe this to be true. If my ex manages to find a way in - he will send one sentence emails with an offensive accusation or a disgusting insult of some kind and I open it without realising - I will feel sick and panicky for the rest of the day, the following day I will almost always have cluster panic attacks all day and/or a start a one to three day migraine. Takes three days to a week to get back to normal. I do think my body physically reacts to him. I'd love to read the biology or science behind it if anyone has any recommendations.

The Body Keeps Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, explains the science behind what emotional trauma does to your body.

My ex also tried to flip it all around and called me a gaslighter. It really is a headfuck. It makes me so angry and sad all at the same time.

This is a classic trick out of the abuser's playbook, they always accuse you of all the things they're doing to you as a way of 'getting in first' or 'making you as bad as they are' IN THEIR OWN MINDS.

My ex variously accused me of

• lying
• needing everything to be perfect
• making him feel like he was walking on eggshells
• being cold
• wanting everything my own way
• being a control freak
• treating him as less than human
• speaking to him with complete disrespect
• having an agenda when talking to him

Guess what he was doing to me all the time he was accusing me of this!

The trick is to clearly recognise that this is all about what's going on in HIS MIND and refuse to allow his mental disease to infect YOUR MIND.

You two are separate and different people but IN HIS MIND he is trying to make you the same as him because he can't stand feeling like you are better than him. It's nothing to do with what's actually happening in the real world (which you can see and respond to) it's the mental illness inside his head.

It can take a while to make this an automatic habit, but whenever you get that shock of "OMG he's just accused me of something completely untrue and unfair" you have to immediately take a deep breath and think, "And that's just how his brain works. He has to blame me and try to make me small/bad because deep down he feels terrible about himself and the only way he can cope is by pretending to himself that I'm causing all his problems or even imagined problems."

I expect that any clothes he has at his house for the kids are wrecked and he knows he should buy some new ones but he doesn't have the money or doesn't want to spend his money on kids' clothes.

He's angry that you're doing well and have a new house, so he's lashing out by saying you that you're the one with no decent clothes for the kids so you should buy some. Simple as that. Once you start to recognise that everything he's accusing you of is actually what he's doing, you can emotionally detach from the accusations.

As you know, however, you have to continue to deal with him, so as much of a pain in the ass as it is to deal with, your best approach is to stay calm, polite and de-escalate without necessarily giving any ground.

"I'm sorry you don't like the kids' clothes. Send them back in the same clothes and I will see if any need replacing."

In this reply, you have not actually said there is any merit in his accusation, but you are giving him a way out of having to send the children in the rags he has at home and is embarrassed about (which is why he is lashing out at you). You already know that their clothes don't need replacing, and you have no intention of replacing any but your response will mollify him and he will probably stop being so horrible or bitching about you to the kids.

I know that coming up with a neutral response can feel like a tough pill to swallow, but keep in mind that you're you're not de-escalating this for his sake, but for your own and the children's, because your ultimate aim is to minimise harm to them and stress to you.

It's a management strategy, that's all.

This thread is incredibly helpful and turned up just at the right time.

I have just let my DH back in the house after years of this finally ended in a crisis. He acknowledged the problem eventually and went to therapy. This is week 3 of him being back in the house and slowly but surely the behaviour is creeping back in.

It is so difficult to pin down. He makes incontrovertible statements that are just not true. If challenged he will say that is not what he said, am I mad - he would never say that, I misheard/misunderstood/am deliberately making him look unreasonable.

If he wants something but doesn't get it he will try again and again twisting the situation until it seems as though I am completely unreasonable in not doing what he wants.

All his therapy now seems to have achieved is to give him an extra weapon to make me seem like I am losing my mind.

It is unnerving and unsettling at best and honestly terrifying at worst because the only option is to not respond and eventually if you arenin the same house you become a silent ghost of yourself.

I really feel for you. And especially as you must have been hopeful. I’m in a similar situation so I do feel your despair. All I can say is that I try and log the conversations or situations on my phone notes. Just to try and stay sane. I don’t know how to record on an iphone (looking into it) but I think these are the ways we can validate how we feel. It’s only in the last couple of years as narcissism and manipulative tactics such as gaslighting are being really talked about that I’m just beginning to realise why my 20 year marriage has been so difficult. There’s no reasoning and it’s so sad. You can do all the ‘work’ on yourself but it sounds exactly like you said. He can now use therapy as a weapon.
Have you listened to Dr Ramani on you tube? I’ve found her videos helpful, esp the recent ones x

Thank you, I will do that.

I was engaged to a gaslighter and it almost caused me a mental breakdown.

He made me feel utterly insane and powerless. It was the lowest ebb of my life.

My exes lying became pathological. He behaved in exactly the same way with other exes he had so this behaviour was deeply ingrained within him.

The only advice I can give is to maintain as low contact with these people as you can as they are dangerous.

Ex called me last week (drunk) sobbing 🤨 down the phone that he loves me and can’t bear to be without me. Moments before he’d been with his girlfriend and her kids. I was that girlfriend many moons ago and I thank the Lord every day that I found the strength to leave him for good as I wouldn’t wish that treatment on my worst enemy.

@Theaspidistraiswilting

This thread is incredibly helpful and turned up just at the right time.

I have just let my DH back in the house after years of this finally ended in a crisis. He acknowledged the problem eventually and went to therapy. This is week 3 of him being back in the house and slowly but surely the behaviour is creeping back in.

It is so difficult to pin down. He makes incontrovertible statements that are just not true. If challenged he will say that is not what he said, am I mad - he would never say that, I misheard/misunderstood/am deliberately making him look unreasonable.

If he wants something but doesn't get it he will try again and again twisting the situation until it seems as though I am completely unreasonable in not doing what he wants.

All his therapy now seems to have achieved is to give him an extra weapon to make me seem like I am losing my mind.

It is unnerving and unsettling at best and honestly terrifying at worst because the only option is to not respond and eventually if you arenin the same house you become a silent ghost of yourself.

I haven't read any of your previous posts, just this one, however I can tell you that this won't get better. I had all of this, the pathological lies etc etc. Eventually my ex was sent on a court ordered course to deal with his behaviour. It was 15 weeks long, so intense therapy. It didn't make a single jot of difference. Not one. He is "like it", the behaviour is so deeply ingrained in his psyche that absolutely nothing will ever make a difference. Narcissists don't "get better". They live by the rules of lies, manipulating and gaslighting. I would encourage you to give up on "D"H because you will not ever get the outcome you want

That's the best idea totally

Block him and let him just email details to do with dc

@romdowa

Best way is to just ignore it. I'd also block him and provide him with an email address so that you can communicate about the children. Only time I would unblock him would be when the children are in his care incase there is an emergency.

This.

Do not accept contact on your phone because of his abusive texts.

He's just a waster, always was, always will be.
Keep saying it on a loop.

He cannot bear that you are successfully moving on.

Keep reminding yourself of that.

Awful op feel for you. My mother tries to undermine me. Tell him very little/grey rock. They like to be in control. But no easy answers.

@Theaspidistraiswilting

If challenged he will say that is not what he said, am I mad - he would never say that, I misheard/misunderstood/am deliberately making him look unreasonable.

So, the trick here is to make a decision not to engage in arguments based on feelings any more. I know this seems impossible but while it can be tricky to shift your mindset, it is absolutely possible and will be very empowering for you in the long term.

The mind-set shift you need to make is to decide that you will not fall into the trap of reacting to feelings (his or yours – but don't worry, your chance to respond to those feelings will come later) during any discussion that involves a difference in point of view (conflict) and that the aim in any conflictual discussion with your husband is only to establish what facts and responsibilities you can agree on.

You also have to make a firm commitment to yourself that if no facts or responsibilities can be agreed on within a fairly quick time-frame, you will end the discussion and assess your options from there on your own.

So, for example:

Husband: (angry) Why am I the only person who makes any effort to keep this house clean?
You: (noticing but not responding to his anger and your feeling of offense at the false accusation). That's not true. I did the vacuuming yesterday.
Him: (contemptuous) If you call the shitty job you did 'cleaning' I guess so.
You: (noticing but not responding to his contempt and your feeling of shame at being harshly criticised) I do call vacuuming the house cleaning.
Him: (still sounding annoyed) Well, the kitchen is a mess now, why isn't that clean?
You: (noticing but not responding to his annoyance and your feeling of injustice) That's your breakfast mess.
Him: (angry) I was in a rush to get to work! Why haven't you cleaned it up, you've been home from work for an hour.
You: (noticing but not responding to his anger and your feeling of injustice) I've been spending time with the kids.
Him: (contemptuous) Oh right I forgot, you like to act like Mother of the Year while ignoring that the house is a wreck.
You: (noticing but not responding to his contempt and your feelings of hurt) I think it's more important for me to spend time with the kids than cleaning up a mess that you are responsible for.
Him: (outraged, self-righteous) I thought wives were meant to care about their husbands and help them out where they can. You're just trying to paint me as unreasonable.
You: (noticing his self-righteousness and your rising feeling of anger at the continued false accusations) Both spouses are meant to care about each other and I do think you're unreasonable. I'm feeling too angry to continue this discussion so I'm ending it now. (Walk away)

(In an ideal world, you would have walked away after his first false accusation by saying "You're not the only person who makes an effort to keep the house clean, and I'm not going to start a discussion based on that premise" but I wanted to show how the side-stepping of emotion works several times.)

When you walk away, that's when you consider your own feelings and decide how you are going to respond to them. You feel disrespected, angry, hurt, insulted, and unfairly shamed. You would like your husband to be able to understand that insulting you, making you responsible for his messes and disrespecting your priorities is hurtful to you, but you can see that's not happening. You've been calm and reasonable with him and explained your thinking and he's responded with more insults and criticisms.

You obviously don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't take on board your feelings and is unreasonable. He's a grown adult who is either capable of being reasonable when he wants to be but doesn't want to be reasonable with you, or is actually incapable of being reasonable due to a personality disorder.

So what responsibility will you show towards your own feelings that it's impossible for you to live happily with an unreasonable man?

You have to be take responsibility for your own happiness.

I went through gaslighting behaviour for a few years. Thank god no children were involved .. but since we split up over the months I kinda convinced myself I was the bad one (because that's what he'd convinced me) until I sent every single message ever sent to her to read over so she could make an impartial judgement. Its taken her weeks to get through it all but her conclusion was 'That was abuse. He knew how to hurt you, push your buttons then blame you for your reaction'. I felt sick to my stomach when it came from someone else.

A 👍 to each and every text he sends. He'll then say 'oh so you agree with me' send a 👍 back to that too.

Only ever respond with words if he asks a valid and direct question about the dc. Otherwise 👍.

He's trying to push your buttons and engage you, he WANTS even NEEDS you to engage with him and the easiest way to do this is to say something he knows isn't true and he thinks you will respond by trying to put his study straight.

Someone once said to me, the easiest way to stop the game, is just not to play, drop the rope and walk away. If he's away for 6/8 weeks then simply delete his texts. There is no need to answer anything as he's away. Actually I'd go as so far to say that you block his number when he doesn't have the dc.

@2DogsOnMySofa

A 👍 to each and every text he sends. He'll then say 'oh so you agree with me' send a 👍 back to that too.

Only ever respond with words if he asks a valid and direct question about the dc. Otherwise 👍.

He's trying to push your buttons and engage you, he WANTS even NEEDS you to engage with him and the easiest way to do this is to say something he knows isn't true and he thinks you will respond by trying to put his study straight.

Someone once said to me, the easiest way to stop the game, is just not to play, drop the rope and walk away. If he's away for 6/8 weeks then simply delete his texts. There is no need to answer anything as he's away. Actually I'd go as so far to say that you block his number when he doesn't have the dc.

Super advice👍