I’ve posted here before so some people may recognise my story but here goes - I’m married to the only guy I’ve ever been with (got together at 18), been together over 14 years, married for 5, we have a young child. For the past year + I’ve been unhappy in the relationship and have considered separation. Nothing is “wrong”, he’s a good person, works hard, maybe not the most hands on father but he’s a loving dad.
I think having a child and the past few years have changed us (me mainly) and I’ve started to realise truths about myself I never faced up to before. For example, I don’t think I’ve ever particularly “fancied” him. I think I did a bit at first, and I did/do think he’s attractive sometimes but I’ve never felt that chemistry with him in that way. Never had that “wanna rip your clothes off” feeling. This is an issue that’s been raised (by him) throughout our relationship and I’ve always just thought that’s the way I am although deep down I questioned this. We’ve never been sexually compatible. We’ve never really had a lot of sex (mainly because I don’t feel like doing it). It’s almost felt like a chore to me at times, or a duty. I could have happily gone without it and just cuddled instead 😅 I remember sometimes after sex (and I feel so sad and ashamed looking back), thinking “ahh that’s done, won’t have to do it again for a while” and feeling relief when I got my period because there’d be a few days where I didn’t feel pressure to do it. He never put pressure on me btw, I always put pressure on myself and it would worry me how infrequently we had sex because it didn’t seem “normal” but again I thought it was just me. There were times I’d feel “in the mood” and it would be enjoyable but those times were not as often. Sometimes I’d feel up for it and then part way through I’d just start feeling like I wasn’t into it and he could tell and we’d stop and I’d just feel awful. Sometimes I’d feel like I wanted him to hurry up and finish so it would be over and I’d have to sort of “zone out”. I’ve never told him any of this obviously, he’d be devastated. We haven’t had sex in over a year and the last time we did I cried afterwards and thought to myself “I don’t want to do this anymore”. Not forcing myself to do it has made me realise that although I love him, I feel like it’s more like how I’d love a family member and I think that’s why I’ve always struggled with the intimate side of things. I’ve always just thought it was okay but I’ve never known any different. I have nothing to compare it to. I’ve often wondered if it was something I could sustain really long term.
I’ve always lacked confidence and I think having a child has made me grow in confidence a bit and made me realise these things. I’ve also been attracted to other men more recently and in a different way. I could never imagine myself having a sexual relationship with anyone else before, the idea terrified me but now I think I could. I got married because for some reason I wanted that before having children and I really wanted children. And I was happy. It felt safe. I know this isn’t good and is unfair on him. I feel terribly guilty about it.
I’ve really drifted apart from him and don’t particularly enjoy spending time with him (he’s not horrible or anything, I just usually choose to spend time alone). I think it’s because I know I can’t be what he needs, wants and deserves. And my needs are different now too. Whereas before I was okay with all that, I’m not anymore. I want to separate but it feels like such an unfair thing for me to do. We’ve spoken about my feelings for a long time (first mentioned it to him over a year ago - not so much the sex side, although I’ve touched on that a little. More just a general growing apart. We have different interests and sometimes seems like all we have to talk about is our child). We’ve had around 5/6 conversations recently where I’ve told him I want to separate but he gets angry and defensive and questions why I married him and started a family with him, and he’s right but how do I explain all the above? I can’t without completely destroying his feelings. After every one of these conversations, he cries, I feel terrible and the next day it's like it never happened. In a way I feel like I'm not being taken seriously. It’s like he just won’t accept it even though things are not good between us at all. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to have sex with him again, thinking about it now makes me feel anxious. We sleep in separate beds and I much prefer it.
I’m not sure what he’s getting out of the relationship at the moment either.
Maybe I need to be firmer when I say I want to separate but it seems like something I’d want us to at least partially agree on, that that would be for the best, but maybe I’m living in a dream world. I feel sad that I’d be breaking up a family but I also feel that it may happen at some point sooner or later so would have less impact when our child is young. I’ve gone back and forth with this for months. I just generally feel like a terrible person a lot of the time. I’m also absolutely terrified - he’s all I’ve ever known really and it would be a huge life change but I feel like maybe that’s what I need. I used to be terrified of being on my own but I don’t feel like that anymore. Im annoyed at my younger self for not recognising my feelings or listening to my doubts, although ultimately I wouldn't change anything because we have a beautiful child and we have had some great times together.
Any thoughts/advice/similar stories?