Difficulty ending relationship, sexual incompatibility, grown apart

[treasure47]

I’ve posted here before so some people may recognise my story but here goes - I’m married to the only guy I’ve ever been with (got together at 18), been together over 14 years, married for 5, we have a young child. For the past year + I’ve been unhappy in the relationship and have considered separation. Nothing is “wrong”, he’s a good person, works hard, maybe not the most hands on father but he’s a loving dad.
I think having a child and the past few years have changed us (me mainly) and I’ve started to realise truths about myself I never faced up to before. For example, I don’t think I’ve ever particularly “fancied” him. I think I did a bit at first, and I did/do think he’s attractive sometimes but I’ve never felt that chemistry with him in that way. Never had that “wanna rip your clothes off” feeling. This is an issue that’s been raised (by him) throughout our relationship and I’ve always just thought that’s the way I am although deep down I questioned this. We’ve never been sexually compatible. We’ve never really had a lot of sex (mainly because I don’t feel like doing it). It’s almost felt like a chore to me at times, or a duty. I could have happily gone without it and just cuddled instead 😅 I remember sometimes after sex (and I feel so sad and ashamed looking back), thinking “ahh that’s done, won’t have to do it again for a while” and feeling relief when I got my period because there’d be a few days where I didn’t feel pressure to do it. He never put pressure on me btw, I always put pressure on myself and it would worry me how infrequently we had sex because it didn’t seem “normal” but again I thought it was just me. There were times I’d feel “in the mood” and it would be enjoyable but those times were not as often. Sometimes I’d feel up for it and then part way through I’d just start feeling like I wasn’t into it and he could tell and we’d stop and I’d just feel awful. Sometimes I’d feel like I wanted him to hurry up and finish so it would be over and I’d have to sort of “zone out”. I’ve never told him any of this obviously, he’d be devastated. We haven’t had sex in over a year and the last time we did I cried afterwards and thought to myself “I don’t want to do this anymore”. Not forcing myself to do it has made me realise that although I love him, I feel like it’s more like how I’d love a family member and I think that’s why I’ve always struggled with the intimate side of things. I’ve always just thought it was okay but I’ve never known any different. I have nothing to compare it to. I’ve often wondered if it was something I could sustain really long term.
I’ve always lacked confidence and I think having a child has made me grow in confidence a bit and made me realise these things. I’ve also been attracted to other men more recently and in a different way. I could never imagine myself having a sexual relationship with anyone else before, the idea terrified me but now I think I could. I got married because for some reason I wanted that before having children and I really wanted children. And I was happy. It felt safe. I know this isn’t good and is unfair on him. I feel terribly guilty about it.

I’ve really drifted apart from him and don’t particularly enjoy spending time with him (he’s not horrible or anything, I just usually choose to spend time alone). I think it’s because I know I can’t be what he needs, wants and deserves. And my needs are different now too. Whereas before I was okay with all that, I’m not anymore. I want to separate but it feels like such an unfair thing for me to do. We’ve spoken about my feelings for a long time (first mentioned it to him over a year ago - not so much the sex side, although I’ve touched on that a little. More just a general growing apart. We have different interests and sometimes seems like all we have to talk about is our child). We’ve had around 5/6 conversations recently where I’ve told him I want to separate but he gets angry and defensive and questions why I married him and started a family with him, and he’s right but how do I explain all the above? I can’t without completely destroying his feelings. After every one of these conversations, he cries, I feel terrible and the next day it's like it never happened. In a way I feel like I'm not being taken seriously. It’s like he just won’t accept it even though things are not good between us at all. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to have sex with him again, thinking about it now makes me feel anxious. We sleep in separate beds and I much prefer it.
I’m not sure what he’s getting out of the relationship at the moment either.

Maybe I need to be firmer when I say I want to separate but it seems like something I’d want us to at least partially agree on, that that would be for the best, but maybe I’m living in a dream world. I feel sad that I’d be breaking up a family but I also feel that it may happen at some point sooner or later so would have less impact when our child is young. I’ve gone back and forth with this for months. I just generally feel like a terrible person a lot of the time. I’m also absolutely terrified - he’s all I’ve ever known really and it would be a huge life change but I feel like maybe that’s what I need. I used to be terrified of being on my own but I don’t feel like that anymore. Im annoyed at my younger self for not recognising my feelings or listening to my doubts, although ultimately I wouldn't change anything because we have a beautiful child and we have had some great times together.
Any thoughts/advice/similar stories?

He struggles to understand how I've changed "so much" but in my head I'm thinking, yeah I have changed, but it doesn't seem quite as drastic to me.

Because it's sudden/out of the blue for him, but you've been gradually changing every moment, every day, for years to get to this point where you know it's over. It will take him a while to understand it's the right thing - but that doesn't mean you have to wait for him to get there too. As long as it's over for you, it's over and he has to accept that however hard that is.

@GeneLovesJezebel

To start with you get your own bank account, if you haven’t already got one. Very easy to open online. Then you have your wages and any child benefits paid into it. Then you make a note of all bank accounts that you have, and his if you can. Do either of you have a private pension and where. Do you own your home. Then you get an appointment with a family solicitor, first chat is often free so ring around. They will want to know all bank accounts, any savings and investments. They will want to know how much you owe on the house and what it’s approximately worth. They will want to know what pensions you have. Then they will want to know what you want to do, and what you can expect to get.

Thank you, that's really helpful. I do have my own bank account, we have a joint account too where the mortgage and bills come out of. Would they be able to advise on things like benefits/universal credit? Or is that more of a Citizens Advice thing?

@GeneLovesJezebel

I am still in my marriage because its easier. I also feel in limbo, waiting for something to happen, knowing I don’t want this for the rest of my life. You are a lot younger than me, don’t waste any more of your life.

I'm really sorry you're in that situation 😔 I can totally see how it happens - there are times when I think should I just stay as is, it's easy and seems like so much effort and upheaval to change it. But I always come back to the same doubts.

@Pinkdelight3

He struggles to understand how I've changed "so much" but in my head I'm thinking, yeah I have changed, but it doesn't seem quite as drastic to me.

Because it's sudden/out of the blue for him, but you've been gradually changing every moment, every day, for years to get to this point where you know it's over. It will take him a while to understand it's the right thing - but that doesn't mean you have to wait for him to get there too. As long as it's over for you, it's over and he has to accept that however hard that is.

Yes that's true. Looking back there were a few doubts that I had that I actively pushed down/ignored because I didn't want to believe them, I didn't want to feel like that so I thought if I just ignored or dismissed it I wouldn't.

I am in the same situation. We have been together for 20 years and have 2 kids age 8 and 10. We have only ever been in a relationship with each other, and time just plodded on and 20 years had passed. We sleep in seperate rooms aswell. I daydream all the time of what life would be like on my own. That's what I long for. I dont want anyone else. I want to be in charge of my own life /home/day and I never have been. I went from living with my parents (controlling father) to living with my husband. He isn't controlling but I hate how all decisions etc have to be shared.
I know people say this is wrong to do but I have made the decision to stay together until my kids are older. Selfishly because I can't bare to be apart from them on the days he would have them, I can't bare the thought of them having a step mother etc. I will wait until they are teenagers where they will be more independent and don't need my day to day care. If you are brave enough to do it now whilst your son is young I advise you to seperate. The more time that goes on the harder it becomes to leave. Good luck

@Creamegg84

I am in the same situation. We have been together for 20 years and have 2 kids age 8 and 10. We have only ever been in a relationship with each other, and time just plodded on and 20 years had passed. We sleep in seperate rooms aswell. I daydream all the time of what life would be like on my own. That's what I long for. I dont want anyone else. I want to be in charge of my own life /home/day and I never have been. I went from living with my parents (controlling father) to living with my husband. He isn't controlling but I hate how all decisions etc have to be shared. I know people say this is wrong to do but I have made the decision to stay together until my kids are older. Selfishly because I can't bare to be apart from them on the days he would have them, I can't bare the thought of them having a step mother etc. I will wait until they are teenagers where they will be more independent and don't need my day to day care. If you are brave enough to do it now whilst your son is young I advise you to seperate. The more time that goes on the harder it becomes to leave. Good luck

It's crazy how things just plod on isn't it and before you know it, so much time has passed. At the start of the year I told myself that I wouldn't have another year like last year and here we are 2 months in already and nothing has changed yet. I'm also craving the independence that I've never really had, like you said. There was a time around 4/5 years into our relationship where I wanted to be on my own but I also worried that I wouldn't find anyone else and I'd be alone forever which looking back now is so silly. I've always lacked in confidence so I think that's why I thought like that. Having a child has forced me to be more confident in a lot of ways. I used to feel like I "needed" someone else more whereas now I may feel daunted by something but most of the time I'll do it and I'll be fine. Being apart from my son and "sharing" him makes me sad too, I can't really imagine what Co parenting would look like although I know it would take a while to get used to it. Do your children pick up on the fact you're not sharing a bed or aren't affectionate? (I'm assuming that you aren't) I'm sorry you're in the same position but at least you have a plan. Does your partner feel the same?

• I daydream all the time of what life would be like on my own. That's what I long for. I dont want anyone else. I want to be in charge of my own life /home/day and I never have been. I went from living with my parents (controlling father) to living with my husband. He isn't controlling but I hate how all decisions etc have to be shared. I know people say this is wrong to do but I have made the decision to stay together until my kids are older. Selfishly because I can't bare to be apart from them on the days he would have them, I can't bare the thought of them having a step mother etc. I will wait until they are teenagers where they will be more independent and don't need my day to day care.*

This is how I feel. Similar age dc. I also understand the bit about wanting to live on your own (I blame the peri-menopause for some of this) But, I also have a fear of being on my own (entering therapy to explore this further). I also wouldn't want to be away from dc. I try to ensure I show care toward my husband and blame sleep issues for sleeping alone (which are partially true thanks to the good old peri-menopause).

Unfortunately yes I think they do pick up on it. We don't argue in front of them etc, it's just the lack of affection and the seperate beds.
We have tried, it got to a head last June and we did nearly seperate but we both said we'd make an effort which we did for a few months but it's gone back to before again now. The intimacy has to be really forced.

@Creamegg84

Unfortunately yes I think they do pick up on it. We don't argue in front of them etc, it's just the lack of affection and the seperate beds. We have tried, it got to a head last June and we did nearly seperate but we both said we'd make an effort which we did for a few months but it's gone back to before again now. The intimacy has to be really forced.

That sounds really tough. We're the same, don't argue in front of our son but we're not loving with each other (but that's because I don't want to be, my husband would be like that with me if he could, which makes things more difficult as then I feel guilty). I think if we decided to just get on as friends we'd be fine and get along okay because there wouldn't be that overhanging feeling that I should be a certain way with him. I actually think that makes me distance myself more from him. I just sort of don't feel that close connection with him anymore - a lot of the time the things he'll talk to me about I don't find interesting and I'm almost wishing he'd hurry up and stop talking so I can go do my own thing. Sounds awful I know! I think I always used to be a bit like that before having a child but now because time to myself is so infrequent it's much more noticeable. Forcing affection is a really horrible thing to have to do, I actually think it affects your self esteem in a way too (and obviously will affect the other person's aswell!) I have made an effort to try to spend more time with him etc but it just doesn't feel natural anymore, it's not really what I want to be doing if I had a choice. Do you spend much time together just the 2 of you?

When I left, I just got everything ready and did it.
I rented a small place, furnished it with 2nd hand things.
Then the weekend I told him I was leaving and I packed up my clothes and left.

The advice about seeing the solicitor is sound. There are many threads on here about steps taken to get a divorce.
Once you get the legal and financial advice, it'll be easier to decide about where to live etc.

I knew I had to get out of the house as he'd be harassing me everyday to change my mind and didn't want him to get drunk and violent.

So as they say, set a timeline to get your ducks in a row, then just do it.

@RantyAunty

When I left, I just got everything ready and did it. I rented a small place, furnished it with 2nd hand things. Then the weekend I told him I was leaving and I packed up my clothes and left.

The advice about seeing the solicitor is sound. There are many threads on here about steps taken to get a divorce.
Once you get the legal and financial advice, it'll be easier to decide about where to live etc.

I knew I had to get out of the house as he'd be harassing me everyday to change my mind and didn't want him to get drunk and violent.

So as they say, set a timeline to get your ducks in a row, then just do it.

Well done for being brave and sorting all that out yourself! How long did it take?

I had wanted to leave for years but was to afraid and beaten down. My father passing was the catalyst that made me act. So about 3 months.
It was a matter of yes I'm doing this and setting a timeline. I had a little calendar with lists to stay on track.

I’m in a similar boat. DH complains I’m not affectionate, I tell him what I emotionally need - nothing major finishing the house, more help with the kids and nothing changes. We’ve got disabled children and both work and I think it has put me off doing something but I’m quite unhappy. I also feel quite resentful that he isn’t making any move to make changes to make me happy. We met in our early 20s and I think he’s very much the same as he was and we met when I was in quite a low place. I wonder if we were ever really compatible. His talk and his actions when it has come down to things like kids have been quite different to what he said. He just wants an easy life he said a few years ago, I’d never have married him if he’d said that as life typically isn’t easy. And usually if it is it’s because one person is carrying the weight. My kids unlikely will ever be independent so I don’t know. I just keep plodding on which maybe is selfish.

After feeling quite determined a few days ago I feel like I've sunk into a black hole and am questioning myself again. I start to worry about where l'll live, which school DS will go to (he's not even due to start school for another year and a half!), whether I'll just have intense regret if I leave, co parenting fears and what that will be like... I start to think things aren't so bad and am I just making a fuss for nothing? Have I tried hard enough to make it work etc etc?
Sometimes I feel like I think about it TOO much and I get in a spin about it. It starts to affect how I parent etc. DS has been quite difficult the last few days and I haven't handled it the way I'd like. I start to doubt whether I could do it on my own, even though I'm on my own with him a lot anyway.
It feels like an endless cycle sometimes 😔

Hi treasue47,

I am in a very, very similar boat. However, I have two children in primary school and live in a fairly expensive area. In order to leave my partner, I would have to uproot the children from their school, friends, etc. Plus, I don't want to hurt my partner, by ending things.

My advice would be to make the changes before your LO starts school, as it will be more difficult the older and more settled he is.

But, I totally understand how you feel, I feel exactly the same and can't find the courage to make a separation happen.

Let us know how you get on

Hopefully someone is still following this thread!

Tonight I had "the chat" - completely unexpectedly really. He'd started asking me some questions earlier about whether I'd "self-pleasured" recently and that thinking about it turned him on. It made me feel a bit uncomfortable and I tried to answer his questions but then he mentioned sex and got in a bit of a strop and snapped at me something like "not like you want to do anything with me though". He said sorry afterwards but I could see how it was bothering him and again made me think I need to do something. I've had an awful week this week, just felt so teary and down, what to do has been on my mind so much (thinking about solicitors, what to do with the house, imagining the future either way etc), I feel like it's consumed me but I couldn't stop. DS has also been difficult and I feel like I haven't handled things the way I'd like to, or the way I usually do. I've broken down a few times in front of him too 😔 But I keep all this bottled up because I think that my feelings are not as important as DH - he's the one who doesn't want this and who would be heartbroken. I think it's all just built to a head this week.
The conversation earlier started fairly calm and when I tried to explain how I felt he got angry and defensive. He said he was being backed into a corner. I remembered someone's reply on here saying that I didn't have to explain myself so I tried to stay firm. Ultimately I think this limbo period is hurting us both. I am absolutely terrified of the change and I still have fears that it's not the right thing but I think it is just a fear of change/the unknown.
One of the things I said was that I was trying to be true to myself and not force anything and he said something like "yeah but you do make choices too" and when I asked for an example at first he said he didn't know, and then mentioned that I hadn't been putting kisses at the end of all of my text messages to him anymore. This seemed like a petty example but something that I knew he'd bring up at some point.
At one point as I was explaining things he started dismissing what I was saying and I said to him that I felt like he was bullying me and I felt intimidated. He then got really emotional. I then said that this isn't doing either of us any good and I think we should end things and move forward. He was crying his eyes out and at one point he said that he had no choice and it's the worst thing that could ever happen to him. I feel absolutely horrendous. I got really upset and now I feel kind of shellshocked/numb. He's gone out for a walk. I can feel the doubt creeping in, like "can't I just carry on and go along with things and keep the family together" 😔
I feel lost and like the worst person in the world right now.

Bet you've been sad plenty of times because the relationship isn't working anymore and you've had to manage.

Not saying this to disparage him BTW, just that it's OK he's sad (even heartbroken) and it's just as normal you're upset by it, but that doesn't mean it was the wrong decision overall. Just that it's a sad situation.

Also from what I've seen, men tend to think that as long as their needs are fulfilled by a relationship, then it's working for everyone even when it very obviously isn't.

Something else he said was that we should try to be a family and that we're not. I didn't understand that because we have been spending time together, and going places (when we can). It made me realise that it's usually me who plans days out/holidays - it's kind of always been that way! I hadn't really thought of it until then! When I mentioned this he said "well it's because you're a bit of a control freak". I wouldn't say I am. I mean, maybe a tiny bit but I think I'm just more organised and motivated.

Or that you're responsible for all of the wifework.
It's ok if you want to try and go to counselling or similar, but it's OK even if you don't.

And I think that he's a bit she'll shocked and lashing out and blaming all of the relationship issues on you, not fantastically mature behaviour, but pretty normal really

@CheshireChat

Bet you've been sad plenty of times because the relationship isn't working anymore and you've had to manage.

Not saying this to disparage him BTW, just that it's OK he's sad (even heartbroken) and it's just as normal you're upset by it, but that doesn't mean it was the wrong decision overall. Just that it's a sad situation.

Also from what I've seen, men tend to think that as long as their needs are fulfilled by a relationship, then it's working for everyone even when it very obviously isn't.

I feel so so sad about it, it's been like a grieving process for me almost. I think I've just been better at hiding it. It is a really really sad situation, without a doubt.

"Also from what I've seen, men tend to think that as long as their needs are fulfilled by a relationship, then it's working for everyone even when it very obviously isn't."
Yes! This! I genuinely think if I acted a certain way he'd be oblivious. And I also think there's a part of him that would be fine knowing I'm unhappy, as long as I stayed.

@CheshireChat

Or that you're responsible for all of the wifework. It's ok if you want to try and go to counselling or similar, but it's OK even if you don't.

And I think that he's a bit she'll shocked and lashing out and blaming all of the relationship issues on you, not fantastically mature behaviour, but pretty normal really

Yeah I guess his behaviours and what he's saying are all because he's hurting and I just need to accept it 😕 We've had conversations like this so many times now and every time he reacts like this, like it's a complete shock. I guess denial is part of that reaction though. It feels so awful knowing I'm hurting him so much 😔

You feel awful for hurting him and I get that, but he (by your own admission) would be OK with you hurting as long as you did it quietly enough and it doesn't impact him in any way. And if he actually wanted to improve things before now, he's had the opportunity, it's not as if it's the first conversation.

@CheshireChat

You feel awful for hurting him and I get that, but he (by your own admission) would be OK with you hurting as long as you did it quietly enough and it doesn't impact him in any way. And if he actually wanted to improve things before now, he's had the opportunity, it's not as if it's the first conversation.

Yeah that's true. The feeling I get from him it's as if he's thinking that I have no right to feel the way I do. Instead of getting stuck in to making changes, he's spent a lot of the time over the past year wallowing I'd say. Fairly recently he's started to help out more. He also complains about his appearance a lot (which I understand he'll have low self esteem because of all this) but again makes plans (to start exercise for example) and then never follows through with them. I guess I just need to ride out this awful bit and hopefully we'll be able to be okay eventually. I'd really like us to have a good/okay relationship going forward for the sake of DS.

I know how you feel OP. I've never massively fancied my hubby either. We got together young and my wish to find love and settle down outweighed any of the lust/physical attraction side of things. Now I've 'grown up' I realise this, but the difference is we are best friends and extremely close. We still have sex but he's far more into it than I am.
I feel like I've got far more to lose than gain if I leave. We have dreams and goals we want to achieve together.

You're doing the right thing though. It will be sad for you both, but you'll fall on your feet and you'll realise once all that's passed that it was the right thing to do.