Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he ashamed of me?!

59 replies

Alecop74 · 28/02/2022 08:10

Hi all,
I’ve been with my partner for 4 months now and everything has been absolutely great and we’ve become quite Serious very fast
He’s met my daughter (she’s 9) and they get on really well.
He’s going through quite a nasty divorce (separated for over 2 years) and has 3 children from his marriage - 22 yo girl, 19 yo boy and 16 yo girl. Whilst I’m okay that I haven’t met them yet I mentioned to him the other day that I was quite nervous about meeting them - his response was “I can’t really foresee a time when you would meet them anyway” I asked him to expand and he said well it’s not like we’ll be going to family parties or anything (because he wouldn’t be going where his ex is!) and I said “what so I never meet your children?” And I told him that that wasn’t right and he would have to instigate and facilitate the meeting - so ask them if they would like to meet me! If they say no then that’s fine!
Then yesterday on a day out, we were walking holding hands and he bumped into an old friend, he let go of my hand and a chat with this friend and the friends wife, he left me standing there and didn’t introduce me! I told him it was really rude and he apologised
Now I’m worried if he’s not ever going to integrate me into his life fully - EVER?!
Is he ashamed of me?! I’m definitely not ugly 😄 (even if I say so myself)
What should I do?!
Thanks everyone

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 28/02/2022 08:11

4 months???

TabithaTittlemouse · 28/02/2022 08:12

It’s a bit much after 4 months.
Why did you introduce your child? He’s a stranger.

1910username · 28/02/2022 08:15

I think 4 months is really early and seeing their ages, don’t take this personally, but they’re probably not that interested in meeting you.
If you’re in this position after a year, then I would start questioning the relationship.
Are you happy with him aside from this?
If so, why not take it easy and see where things go?

Sfumato · 28/02/2022 08:15

I think it’s totally inappropriate you’ve introduced a nine year old child to a very new boyfriend, and don’t think he’s at all unusual to put you meeting his YA children on the long finger. Having said that, along with not introducing you to the friends, it does suggest you may be misreading the seriousness of the relationship on his side. Not that I think that necessarily indicates a bad thing — I think his instincts about his children are better.

Lurking9to5 · 28/02/2022 08:15

It's only been 4 months, but dropping your hand like it was a hot turd potato when he bumped in to his friend would be a turn off and a red flag.

WTF475878237NC · 28/02/2022 08:17

Why have you rushed into him meeting your daughter? I'd say you're a bit full on and he's trying to slow down.

gamerchick · 28/02/2022 08:18

You need to remove this person from your child's life. He's got the better idea. Tell him you understand and that keeping your relationship seperate from your family unit is wise.

Unfortunately that means he doesn't get to come over when she's there. You have no idea whether he thinks this relationship has legs or not and you can't let your bairn get attached to him while he's hiding you away.

Lurking9to5 · 28/02/2022 08:20

Yes, agree. It may be less convenient for him if he cant come over, but hey ho.

danascully96 · 28/02/2022 08:20

I’d be mad too Flowers If I had to explain something that obvious to my partner all the time, I’d stop being attracted to them, even if I don’t know whether it’s because they’re dodgy or dense… or both. Either way, not a turn-on.

He’s being weirdly secretive and opaque and you’re owed transparency and respect in a relationship.

PliqueAjour · 28/02/2022 08:20

Totally wrong to involve your young daughter in this relationship so quickly. What we're you thinking?

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/02/2022 08:22

What proof do you have he’s getting divorced?

danascully96 · 28/02/2022 08:28

Hmm, after reading everyone’s responses, I will say that it can be quite dangerous to introduce new partners to your children. Maybe I watch too much true-crime or have heard too many stories from those I know, but single parents have to be extra cautious when letting new partners (or anyone) around their children. Not that you did anything wrong necessarily or that you didn’t know that, but I think it’s good to point out the dangers in general.

But I still believe even if he thinks the relationship’s going too fast or whatever reason he has, he should tell you instead of letting you worry. Also, the hand-drop is kind of alarming 🚨

crosbystillsandmash · 28/02/2022 08:30

I'd presume he's still married!

And yes, why the hell have you introduced your dd to him so soon? Totally inappropriate!

Brawnspawn · 28/02/2022 08:31

You mustn't think he's ashamed of you.

His behaviour is classic of someone who's hiding something or is living a kind of double life. By double life I don't mean like in the movies. It could be something like he's told his friends he's single, or that he hopes to get his wife back, something like that.

I think you need to talk to him about where he's at in his life.

ILoveYouMoreTheEnd · 28/02/2022 08:31

I've been in this situation and you need to back off and slow down. You sound needy and with no thought to his situation regarding the current divorce and his children. Come back in 18 months with the same question. Older children are the most difficult in a divorce, our solicitor said the same. Give the man a break, as for dropping your hand he's probably not wanting to fuel anymore fire with his ex wife. I had months of abuse from my now husbands ex, you don't want that especially as you have a young child of just 9. Put your feelings of insecurity to the side and prioritise your child.

Ragwort · 28/02/2022 08:46

Why do people use the word 'partner' for someone they've been seeing for four months? Hmm.

Far, far too soon to have introduced him to your DD, you really need to slow down - you sound desperate and needy.

SamuraiPizzaCats · 28/02/2022 08:47

4 months is no time at all. He could be fully invested in you but still not be ready to announce to children, friends or family. This is very early days and he's fresh out of a divorce.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/02/2022 08:56

Four months, he's still married, you barely know him, and you've allowed your child to meet him. This has disaster written all over it.

NerrSnerr · 28/02/2022 09:04

He's your boyfriend, you've been going out for only 4 months. He really shouldn't have met your daughter and I understand why he can't contemplate you integrating with his family while he's still married.

It was rude of him not to introduce you but you need to slow down, you hardly know him and you're already thinking about playing happy families.

jimpamdwight · 28/02/2022 09:04

It's been 4 months... I've been with my partner 3 years post divorce and he's only just starting to get to know my children and doesn't even stay at my house yet! Why are you in such a rush?!

Prescottdanni123 · 28/02/2022 09:33

Sorry, 4 months is too early to be meeting each other's children.

Fuckitsstillraining · 28/02/2022 10:03

He's the guy you are dating, not even a boyfriend yet imo and definitely not a partner. A boyfriend is someone that your life is entwined with, you've met each others friends/families and have discussed not seeing/dating others, a partner is someone that you live with, share finances/responsibilities, have longterm future plans with and who would feel comfortable making life changing/medical decisions with or for in the case of illness or accident. I know these are only my ideas and all aspects of life change circumstance to circumstance but you seem to be in a major hurry within this very new relationship. No way would I have introduced a date to my dc within the initial getting to know each other period, a person not yet divorced has so much to deal with that adding a new family seems like recipe for disaster. He is correct, you shouldn't be even thinking of meeting his children, maybe they are struggling with their parents split but in fact it doesn't matter, you are only dating and extended family aren't normally involved that early.

CrumpetStrumpet · 28/02/2022 10:06

He's not your 'partner' he's your boyfriend of four months. You barely know him.

It's too early to be meeting each others children. What were you thinking introducing him to your daughter?

It also sounds like he's got something to hide. I'd be very suspicious of the way he acted when he bumped into his friends.

ChickenStripper · 28/02/2022 10:37

Definitely far too much for 4 months. For all you know the old friend may not even know he has separated from his wife. Men tend not to broadcast these things about the place. Are you sure it is not you who is getting very serious? Meeting a 9 year old is very different from meeting young adults.

SamuraiPizzaCats · 28/02/2022 10:57

I really don't think you should be suspicious or thinking he's ashamed - my husband is 'very proper' and he might have done similar in the early days ESPECIALLY if he was not yet divorced. In fact we got together soon after he had split from a girlfriend of a few years and he was VERY conscious not to rub it in her face. So there you go.

Swipe left for the next trending thread